Megatherium's Journey of Self-Discovery

Hello, my name is Megatherium. I chose this name on a whim, but rather conveniently it aligns with how I see myself at the moment. For those unaware, Megatherium is a genus of extinct giant ground sloths, who were big and lumbering and would knock anything the fuck out if they wanted to. I feel similar. I have gained lots of weight, I am lazy and eat whatever, and I get mad easily, though thankfully I do not hit people. I was into PMO from 11 to 18, when my gf finally found out about all my issues. I had done lots of gross and odd sexual things outside of porn as well. I was on and off for over a year, and until recently was doing quite well with her help and support. However, as it is want to do, life switched it up on me. My gf recently moved to go to school about 100 miles from me, and now things have changed a little. Now that she no longer has her strict parents controlling everything, she realizes that she wants to explore what being a college kid is like. We discussed what to do about this for a week, and decided to take a break. It is a very amicable split, we still love each other, but have both realized that there is a lot more out there and that we shouldn't just tie ourselves down at the age of 20. We both plan on a break between 6 months and a year, and we both have the same rules. We can have casual sex, which neither of us has ever had, but we cannot date other people. I am comfortable with all of this, and I am excited to discover and decide who I want to be, outside of the context as her partner. I am having trouble with PMO though, now that we are no longer talking. I did not realize how much I relied on her to fight these urges, and I thought I had conquered them, but I have not. I PMO'd yesterday and today, one time each, and I am disappointed in myself. I am writing this just to be more accountable to myself and to maybe build up that support I need. I intend on going classic NoFap, no PMO, for the first 6 months to really build up that self-control and discipline. After I intend on going out to parties and talking to girls whenever I please. We are going to meet up in two months, and I want there to be a marked improvement in myself, both physically and mentally, so she can see that I am doing well for myself. I don't really expect anyone to read this, but I will be posting daily. If you read this, send a message or response or however this works. I need help and I am sure many others do too. You guys are all gonna make it, I believe in you, and there's someone in your life who believes in you too. Talk to y'all tomorrow, bye

 

Hola Compas, it's day 2. Did not PMO today, though I did want to at some points. I was pretty lazy today. Got up, took my younger brother to school, watched YouTube, then went to my buddy's house to do hw. I went to school after, then came home. I'm working on the skill of non-attachment so that I will be able to live in the moment and not worry about my gf, or ex, or whatever she is. I think I will refer to her as my girl since that is my favorite label anyway. Tomorrow is the first of my last four shifts at Vons. Don't work at Vons if you have the option, it sucks ass. I go in at 6 tomorrow, 4 Thursday, 3 Saturday, and 11:30 Sunday. All A.M. After this week, I want to stick to a schedule that works for me and my ADHD, and that will keep me on the right track. I am more excited to see myself at the end of this journey than I am to return to my partner, and I think that's good. She contacted me yesterday and it definitely seems like she's having a harder time without me than I am without her. I don't know if that is a good thing, or if it is something to care about. Just an observation I guess. You guys can do whatever you set your minds to. Very rarely is there an actual obstacle to doing the things you want to do. No one stopped me from working out, from studying, from practicing guitar, from going out on hikes, from taking care of myself. The only person in my way is me. You guys can do it too. Si se puede!

 

Yo what's up, it is the end of Day 3. I confirmed working at Vons blows, not very fun at all. I talked to my girl today a little even though we aren't supposed to. She didn't want me to go to any Halloween parties. I thought she was saying that just because she was insecure or something and I didn't see how that was fair of her to try to control me. We talked, though, and she said it was because she is uncomfortable with the objectification of women on Halloween, which I have to agree with. I am just plodding my way through this week. Hopefully, tomorrow won't be too bad. I have to get up at 3:30 to be at work at 4, which sucks, but that's life for the next few days. It is almost over, and when it is done I can really begin an unobstructed journey to self-realization. Like I said before, you can do pretty much anything you want. That is it for me, later guys.

 

Hey guys, end of day 4(?). I think it is technically day 4. I've been doing good, a few urges here and there but overall keeping busy and occupied. I deep cleaned my bathroom today, and I even fixed the loose knob in the shower that was stuck on hot water. I go into work in 6 hours, so that sucks, but it's almost my last day. I am very happy that I will soon not have to be at work anymore. My girl and I are both feeling good about the break, we talked two days ago and we are confident and happy. I definitely procrastinated a lot today, but I also found a report from Texas Instruments on electric bicycles that I am going to use to make my own e-bike, so I think that's a win. Also thank you to User lampt7392 for liking some of these posts, it actually does motivate me to continue writing and stay accountable to myself. I'll be back tomorrow, auf wiedersehen.

 

Hey, been a while since I posted. I just relapsed, so feeling pretty down. I've been working through a lot of shitty emotions and I got weak and allowed it to happen. It feels more like a breakup to me than a break, so it is really hard. She is surrounded by new friends and everything and I am here feeling alone and sad. IDK, sometimes I am mad at her. I am bummed that I relapsed, but I know it is because I have been having a hard time regulating my emotions and I have started to feel self-destructive. That's ok though. I have recognized that and I will be ready to fight next time. You guys can do it, so can I. Good luck

 

I actually disagree with you. It is a chance for us to explore what life has to offer so that we don't settle down while we're in college. I am still avoiding PMO for the next few months, but if the opportunity presents itself after that I have no qualms about it. Sex is natural, and it is fun. It is ok to have it with other people as long as both people are safe and respectful of the other. I have other issues outside of porn that I need to work on. I didn't have a problem with porn until we went on this break, and hadn't had one for some time. Why would it not be the same? Because she fucked someone else? How many people have broken up with someone, only to get back together in the future, where both people have slept with other people in between? Sex is just fun, and we already had a plan for if we started catching feelings for people. We specifically said we would only hook up with strangers, and not on tinder, but just naturally at a party or whatever. If we do start having feelings for someone, we are supposed to be straight up and say "Hey, I have feelings for you, but I am in a relationship on hiatus, so I am going to have to separate myself from you." Obviously, this isn't foolproof, but relationships shouldn't be. And yes, I would love to go into the woods and write shit down, but I have things I have to do. I am in the process of figuring out my feelings. I am also an engineering major. And I am also trying to reconnect with my friends who I haven't seen since the pandemic started. I am also trying new strategies, because before I didn't want to put away all of the stuff she got for me. I realized that I have to just get over her, so I am in that process. I moved all the clothes, stuffed animals, and anything else she's given me, from birthday cards to headphone cases, into storage. If we get back together I can pull it all out and be happy about it. If we don't I can donate the shit I don't want anymore and be done with it. Sorry for the wall of text, I always feel like I have to justify myself to strangers online. Maybe that's another thing I should work on, IDK. I challenge you to reach 100 days with me. We are offset by two days, so for you, it'll be 98. January 2nd, we both can do it, and then we can go beyond.

 

Relapsed again earlier tonight. Been feeling weird again, but slowly that feeling of disgust towards porn and the industry has come back. I've started being active in the NoFap community and I feel like I have a little more support than before. I will be posting daily updates. Probably a paragraph or more. Like a personal journal. We can do it.

 

Yeah man, I'm super hyped to have more people to help me be accountable and vice versa. The issue for the past few nights has been me trying to cope with shit that's happening rn. It also didn't help that I took some stuff that kept me awake until 3:30 in the morning. I just need to find myself, and I need to find something consistent to do. I was always with my gf before, but now that she's gone I need to fill that hole with something.

 

Yeah, the power that reading these posts can give is crazy. It reminds me that we're all doing this, and all simultaneously. If one guy can do it, why can't I? I know we both can do it. I'm hyped for a new day.

 

End of the day. It is hard to believe that less than 24 hours ago I was PMOing. I designed a solid and reasonable weekly workout routine for myself that I will be beginning tomorrow. I am also going surfing with one of my best friends after that so that's fucking cool. I am so excited to lose weight and improve my coordination. I live in SoCal so I need to be in shape by the start of winter to take advantage of the kickass swell that will come through. I also just want to look stronger and healthier. When I look good I feel good. I'm ordering a balance board to improve my balance and coordination, and I'm doing lots of calisthenics to build the functional strength and endurance that I lack. That's the plan anyway. TTYL, goodnight bros

 

Yeah, you're a little out of touch on this one homie. Half the time the woman doesn't even orgasm in hetero sex (exaggeration, it's closer to 35% of the time). Not to mention that you make it seem like women will automatically love whoever they fuck. Your attitude towards casual sex actually shows an ignorance of how sexual activity is a fun and light-hearted aspect of life, and that it is ok for people to have casual and consensual sexual activity, especially in their early twenties. Yeah, she might feel a closeness to some guy she has sex with. I could do the same. However, fucking someone you don't know at a party who you'll likely never see again probably won't have the same emotional connection as making love with someone who's been in a committed relationship with you for several years. Please don't reply to this either. I didn't ask for your opinion on my situation with my relationship. This is a page for me to log my progression with porn addiction, not to discuss the validity of unrelated life choices of mine. BTW, if you're a Celibate Cenobite, how would you even know how women feel after a sexual encounter? You talk to a lot of women right after they have had sex? Pretty odd. I've known the girl for almost three years. She was my first and vice versa. If some random guy is better than I am at getting her to orgasm, maybe I should step up my game before we restart our relationship 10 months from now. TLDR nobody fucking cares about what your interpretation of Yahweh has to say about women and sex because it's fucking tired, annoying, sexist, and comes from a lack of security in a person's own manhood. Please stay off my page. Thank you.

 

Sorry I missed yesterday, my friend got dumped so I stayed over with him and we just talked about shit. I'm slowly building up the mental strength to be productive, it's just difficult. I've been handling my urges better, although they aren't as strong rn. I'm gonna go to school and work on a lab with my buddy. Maybe I'll post later. Good luck with everything you guys, and if you're here to say some shit about my relationship or something not directly related to my journey fighting porn, please just see the post directly above. I don't want to hear it, and an internet argument is not really gonna change my mind. Later dudes

 

Don't worry about it bro. Exams take precedent over pretty much everything. Good luck man

 

Tomorrow I start being a productive human being again. I am writing this here so I will fucking stick to it. I will get up with my alarm, work out for my full routine, shower, take my brother to school, then work on the homework I have gotten behind on. I am very behind in my Network Analysis class and my Statics class, and I need both of those to transfer. I will also talk to the transfer center at my college and look into which schools I really want to transfer to.