Memoires of 24-year-old that survived a suicide attempt

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by PrinceDaniel, May 23, 2021.

  1. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Hey,
    No, I am not married yet. I will in the future, when I am with a good girl. Am 24, single, and still in college. I believe dating a good girl will be beneficial for my recovery as a man.
     
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  2. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Medicine for social anxiety and nervousness

    I have experienced a lot of social anxiety and nervousness over the past few years. I believe it all started when I was 18 years old. Before that, I never had social anxiety. I was popular in high school, had a lot of friends, and loved being around people. Between the age of 16- 20, I started to avoid people. I loved being alone in my room; watching YouTube, playing video games, and doing other things that made me feel comfortable.

    A few months ago, I saw this quote of Tom Hardy: ‘’Being alone for a while is dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people anymore.’’

    However, ‘being alone’ became my greatest enemy. Because I wasted a lot of time during my teenage years watching useless stuff, I got kicked out of high school. After high school, I failed two times to get a degree, because I would rather play video games than do homework. Luckily, I got my act together at the age of 21. I rebuilt the way I looked and behaved; I changed my mindset and my work ethic. So, at the age of 22, by a lot of hard work, I managed to get into college again.

    I worked my ass off in college, I still do. However, the social anxiety never went away. Sometimes, especially when I hadn’t any scheduled classes, I would lock myself up in my apartment for days. The only thing I did was PMO, smoking weed, drinking alcohol, eat junk, playing video games, and watching hours of YouTube. During that dark period, I humiliated myself by visiting BDSM-dating platforms, and communicating online with dangerous people. Sometimes, I wouldn’t see sunlight for days. And guess what, my social anxiety only got worse. So, how did I get rid of it?

    Last September, I moved out of my apartment, and got into a student house. I live there with 5 other people, all age 18-25. We do a lot of things together, like eating, studying, drinking, partying, and doing groceries. A few months later, my social anxiety significantly decreased. Why? Because I (voluntarily) exposed myself into those social situations. Not only my social anxiety decreased, I feel a lot happier, and less depressed than before. So if you have social anxiety, or you think you are an introvert; move to a student house.
     
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  3. cresyhorse

    cresyhorse Fapstronaut

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    courage isn't never being afraid. courage and bravery is doing something despite the fear, standing up to it.

    never being afraid is something only lunatics and fools share.

    also agree with you that being alone and isolation aren't good.

    quoting entertainers (actors, singers, sportsmen and other celebs) and living by their advice and principles is foolish in my opinion... celebs have an augmented reality, they don't represent the real world.
     
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  4. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    That state of maniless and confidence I was looking for

    Today something great happened! When I walked towards the gym, I experienced a lot of confidence. I find it hard to describe this feeling in one simple word, so I’ll try to explain it over here.

    Like I have told you guys before, I am a pretty anxious, and nervous guy; a typical nice guy that is socially submissive towards other men. To give you an example, last year, if someone would ask me in the gym ‘Are you almost done with this exercise?’, I would automatically respond ‘Sure, here you go’. To give another example: I used to be very anxious to cross a pedestrian crossing. I always felt objected about the fact cars had to stop for me, so I used to avoid pedestrian crossings. Over the cause of last year, I forced myself to be more brave in these kinds of situations. I literally forced myself to say ‘No’ to people, and use the pedestrians crossing. But the big difference is, that was bravery, courage. However, that I experienced today was totally different.

    What I experienced today was a ‘state’ of confidence/manliness. I crossed multiple pedestrian crossings today without feeling bad for it or even thinking about it. Also, instead of avoiding people on the street, I walked with confidence towards them. Furthermore, during conversations I had in the gym, and on my way back, I felt strong eye contact, without forcing myself to do it.

    Who or what to thank for this? Is it 29 days of no PMO? I never believed in all the self-proclaimed benefits of NoFap. However, I feel way manlier that before. I believe not watching femdom-porn, and masturbating is very beneficial in my road towards manhood. I am praying to God every morning consistently for more over a month now. Furthermore, I pray the rosary for two days. Since the beginning of my Christian journey, I never doubted the power of God for a second. However, I do feel like all my prayers finally have been answered.
     
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  5. 野良西木

    野良西木 Fapstronaut

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    Bump, the story's way too good, and learned a lot from your story, the world works like taichitu,

    Yin_yang.svg.png

    When the bad goes away, the good will come, the worse your bad is, the stronger the good will be, I can see life still holds a lot of things for you and your future is bright, stay tough for life is never black and white.
     
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  6. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Insecure about being gay

    I have been insecure about my sexuality in the past. I don’t crave sex with men at all. Not only that, but I get disgusted by even thinking of me kissing a man. For me, that is very comforting because it is a strong signal that I am not gay or bi. However, I do get sexually aroused by men humiliating me, and using me as their slave. I strongly believe there are a few reasons why I am wired like that. And I am eager to find out.

    A huge part of it is definitely porn-induced. At first, I watched female foot fetish content only. However, at a certain point I craved more extreme content. And what is more humiliating that kissing a woman’s feet? The feet of a man. And that developed into watching cuckold and forced-bi content.

    Another reason might be my dad. My dad left when I was young. I did meet with him every week for dinner, and we are still on speaking terms. However, I believe I missed crucial lessons and guidance a dad in my opinion supposes to teach his son before becoming a man. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. However, I was always in search of someone more dominant, a leader, confident. To give you guys a good perspective he isn’t those things. And that’s what I am looking for in a ‘master’.

    Another reason why I am wired like that is because of my low self-esteem. I have had a lot of dark thoughts telling me that I am not worthy of having a woman, so instead I turn to men.

    Luckily, I never physically experimented with men. And I hope I never will. Lucky for me, I am moving in the right direction these days.
     
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  7. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man! It's great to hear that you didn't experiment with men, I was once so close to having sex with a transsexual woman (mtf) but I pinged my accountability partner in the grp chat we have, he was able to persuade me NOT to take that step. I consider myself fortunate to stop myself from doing it. All the Bi, Gay fantasies are not natural, sure, some people might develop genuinely gay tendencies which are innate, not induced by P, But I believe the majority of the cases are induced from excessive usage of P and pursuit of extreme fetishes because regular man and woman P isn't satisfying the PMO fangs anymore.

    I hope you find a good girl, man! Love to hear from you when you are on Day 90. I had tremendous social benefits when I was around day 100. People around me were trying to help me, I was being told that I was friendly and nice by strangers with whom I would engage in conversations in the Subway, it was very new to me and it has sadly ended with my streak, ever since I haven't been able to do 70 days. I did 160 days back in April 2019. So be careful, man. Lets keep our streaks clean and keep it going. Godspeed!
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2021
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  8. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, going by your counter, looks like you've relapsed. Years of addiction won't go away so easily, man! Its allright. Forgive yourself for what happened. Identify what made you relapse. Try to make it to 3 days and then 7, 10, 14, 21...30.... you get the gist.
     
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  9. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Hey guys,

    I am sorry it’s been a while since I have posted on this thread. It’s Sunday, and I had a couple of hours off, so I decided to give a little update of my life. Looking back, things have improved immensely. However, I had some ups and downs over the past months.

    My running and lifting has improved significantly over the past few months. I can run at a speed of 13 km/h for more than 14 km now. I’ll slowly push this pace towards a marathon. Also, weightlifting is going well. I can bench 80 kg for 8 reps now quite easily, and my lower back pain is almost entirely gone, although it’s still a little stiff, and I lost a lot of confidence in my body while doings squats and deadlifts. I lift and run now almost daily again.

    Career-wise, I am stuck. It’s summer break and I have no college until January ’22. Until then, I have no idea what to do (study, work, learn). I wanted to join the army reserves. However, they don’t accept any new guys in the distant future. So, that’s something I have to think about. I’ll keep you guys updated, and should you have some advice for me, please DM me.

    NoFap, is also going alright. Over the past few months, I slipped once or twice. Nevertheless, I am not fapping compulsively like a year back. The femdom-addiction is still there, and I am kinda desperate if it’s ever going away.

    A month ago, I had a major relapse. Not only PMO, but in all aspects of my life. My parents went on a 3-week holiday, so I was home alone for that amount of time. Long story short, the first two weeks consisted of video games, shit food, self-isolation, PMO, hours of Netflix, and no gym. Sometimes, I woke up, went to work of a couple of hours, and played Minecraft for the rest of the day. Luckily, I defeated that nerdy person inside me, and got my act together after 11 days.

    I’ll keep you guys updated in the next posts. Thanks for reading again!
     
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  10. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Height insecurity

    Today, I came to the realization that a huge part of my social anxiety and low confidence is because of my height. I am 175 cm long, which I believe is 5'7 ft. If I were American, I would consider myself ‘average’. However, for Dutch standards I am very small. I believe the Dutch are the tallest people in the world. Therefore, I feel ‘small’ and ‘less’ than other people when I am in a crowd.

    Yesterday, I was at a great party in a fraternity house. Everyone, including myself, were having a great time. While everyone was dancing, singing, and drinking, I realized that I was the smallest guy in the room. Even almost all the girls were taller than I was. That fact made me very unconformable and vulnerable.

    I believe that my height and the insecurity I feel about it has caused a tremendous low self-esteem. For example, I skip hot girls on Tinder because they might be taller than I. Also, I don’t have the courage to walk to a girl at a party to talk to her. The strangest fact is, that I’ve kissed, fucked, and dated taller girls when I was in high school. Back then, I did not feel insecure about my height at all.

    The thing that frustrates me the most is, the fact that I can’t do anything about it. I was insecure about my body, so I started working out. I was insecure about my professional life, so I got back into college. I was insecure about talking in front of groups, so I put myself out there frequently. At the moment, I feel kinda stuck. Does someone have any experience with height insecurity?
     
  11. cresyhorse

    cresyhorse Fapstronaut

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    as I was late to the puberty party I experienced it back then. now I'm 6ft2 (187-188cm) but am considered slightly above average in my country.

    so yeah I experienced it , it can be an anoying thing..
     
  12. whitelion41

    whitelion41 Fapstronaut

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    Hi man,
    I think its amazing that you are able to share, but please try and end your posts a bit more optimistic - as it really is. Remeber that there are alot of youth here reading this and what you write with all the actions you did can be triggering for people in similar situation.
    Personall, I would delete your last post and maybe do write about your feelings b4 and after, I am not sure how telling people 'how' you did it can help anyone here - especially youth and people with depression.

    I am not the the site councellor, Im just another sex addict - but I think you should think about what is your MESSAGE.

    Besides the 'how' part, I think your story is amazing and you made me feel better to know that you have recovered. YOu are definetly an inspiration. Would be very interesting and inspring o hear from you:
    - how you feel today?
    - how is your recovery?
    - what do you do today to keep being sober?
    - what thoughts u have now days about your adiction.
    These questions are much more interseting and helpful than giving detls about how how you nearly did what you did.

    Anyhow this is only my personal opinion.
    Thanks for sharing
    x
     
  13. whitelion41

    whitelion41 Fapstronaut

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    Hi man,
    I think its amazing that you are able to share, but please try and end your posts a bit more optimistic - as it really is. Remeber that there are alot of youth here reading this and what you write with all the actions you did can be triggering for people in similar situation.
    Personall, I would delete your last post and maybe do write about your feelings b4 and after, I am not sure how telling people 'how' you did it can help anyone here - especially youth and people with depression.

    I am not the the site councellor, Im just another sex addict - but I think you should think about what is your MESSAGE.

    Besides the 'how' part, I think your story is amazing and you made me feel better to know that you have recovered. YOu are definetly an inspiration. Would be very interesting and inspring o hear from you:
    - how you feel today?
    - how is your recovery?
    - what do you do today to keep being sober?
    - what thoughts u have now days about your adiction.
    These questions are much more interseting and helpful than giving detls about how how you nearly did what you did.

    Anyhow this is only my personal opinion.
    Thanks for sharing
    x
     
  14. cresyhorse

    cresyhorse Fapstronaut

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    that's true.. just ranting, complaining and sobbing truly gives a hard chance of giving a positive impact.

    well anyways I hope you do well and keep in mind that pmo is a curable addiction. femdom is just the way porn has programmed your brain.

    if porn was a drug, femdom and humiliation would be the heroin. catching onto it is very hard to let go of at first. but with a long time of abstaining from pmo and also implementing healthy lifestyle changes, it's definitely fixable.
     
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  15. cresyhorse

    cresyhorse Fapstronaut

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    as an example look at me.. i was hooked to the strongest and ugliest fetishes.. (don't want to list them but most of them we're demasculating) now im free of it and don't even watch porn.
     
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  16. jos_neko_kopa

    jos_neko_kopa Fapstronaut

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    Porno is drug.
     
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  17. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Dark Magic

    About a year ago, I started my Christian journey. Before that, I was completely godless, and so I lived that way. When I was 16 years old, I got into a relationship with a girl. She was the first woman I had sex with, and we had sex multiple times a day, multiple days a week for a long time. This relationship eventually turned toxic and we broke up.

    After the relationship ended, I got fat, lazy, and depressed. I watched a lot of Netflix, including the series ‘the Originals’. In this show they practice dark magic a lot, and since the only thing I did was watching Netflix, I started believing in its existence. So, I started googling dark magic practices, and eventually started performing them. I remember ‘cursing’ my ex-girlfriend, and other people who wronged me in the past.

    I don’t know if it cast any harm on them, but I do know that it backfired on me. I started developing a depression, and eventually tried to kill myself. I don’t believe dark magic only made me kill myself, but looking back, I do believe that it played its part.
     
  18. AspiringHuman

    AspiringHuman Fapstronaut

    Regarding height: the mind is more powerful than the body, which is matter.

    It was unwise to get involved in dark magic. Now that you’ve learned your lesson you can move on.
     
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  19. PrinceDaniel

    PrinceDaniel Fapstronaut

    Neglecting God and having bad luck

    It has been a while since I have posted in this thread, but I feel like I have to write something. Over the past few months, I have been doing well. I have been very disciplined with training and dieting. After 4 years, I finally found what I was looking for: breathing exercises that calm my restless mind. Because of that, I finally feel at peace even when I don’t work, train or do something productive. However, because I am at peace, I neglected my time with God. I stopped praying daily and stopped reading the Bible every day. At one point, I realized I neglected my faith, but I did not take any action. Today, it all backfired.

    I went to a shop to buy some sport supplements, and when I walked out of the shop, the alarm went off. Few minutes later I almost got killed by a car which went through a red traffic light. I went training in the gym with a friend, and that workout sucked for me; I felt quite weak to be honest. When we walked out of the gym, my bike had been stolen. And now I finally realized the reason of all of this. Forgive me, but I have sinned quite frequently by PMO over the past few months. Let’s say on average once a week. I also signed up for a BDSM social media again. I am so sorry, and I’ll make this right!
     
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  20. jw2021

    jw2021 Fapstronaut

    I want you to know I am praying for you. I'm cheering for your full recovery. I encourage you to get back up and continue on your journey to freedom.
     
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