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Men who has live web cam addiction. I'm a woman seeking the truth

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by eKat, Jul 9, 2017.

  1. eKat

    eKat Fapstronaut

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    I saw that mainly men discuss this topic and seeking help. I'm a woman, a wife and a mother to a 4mo baby boy. I'm desperate to understand what is going on with my family and whether we have any chances of being a positive family example for our beautiful son! It breaks my heart!
    My husband is addicted to live cam chats. Recently we have been going through some difficult times where I begun to be depressed because he moved out of our bedroom into a spare room claiming he needs good night sleeps, then sex stopped. Then the gap begun to widen and we started to loose the connection between us not only in sex but also emotional, intellectual and even friendship. We no longer felt like a team. He was making excuses that it's all because we just had a baby and I'm breastfeeding and it's normal that dinamics in sex changes. And that with his new promotion he has a lot to deal with at work and needs a good night sleep. I've become depressed since I felt completely alone and without any moral support. Please don't think that I've got fat or anything like that. Men stare at me at the bars and when they find out I just had a. Any and I'm married they cannot believe it! I'm a good looking lass.
    So despite all the reasonable reasons my husband was telling me about, I always felt there is a lie! And my intuition has always been my blessing and hell!
    So I found out that he was seeing another woman in real life. Although he claims he didn't sleep with her but did other sexual things (I have no idea what it might be) and he did it because we lost a connection as a couple and claim he has never done anything like that before. He says that I have become difficult to live with because of my hormones and depression. But I got it all after he withdraw from me! I stopped feeling like I've been wanted, cared for, loved. I felt like an old furniture in his life. Who wouldn't get depressed and upset?????
    So going forward he regrets what he did and I forgave him! But yesterday I found out that all this time (before us opening up about cheating and problems and after starting fresh!) he has been chatting to other women on live chats (they r all from Russia and so I'm! Funny that!) and spending hours a day doing it! He blamed me and our son for not getting enough sleep where in reality he was wanking for hours and visiting multiple women and chatting. His dialogue with them is pretty sick actually. He doesn't treat them as a functional thing, he not only cares about his pleasure but also how they feel!!!! Now to me this is all a bit too much!
    He doesn't think it's cheating and that he needs a professional help because nothing will cure him! But he feels ashamed and knows it's wrong! By the way, he has been addicted to it for 12 years and addiction comes in waves.
    Please men out there who can relate to my husband, explain to me what is going on. Why is he doing it? Will it stop?
    My biggest pain is that he would spend so much time and money on it and sacrifice after that time with our son or me! He says he doesn't want to have sex with me either and he doesn't know why. He says he still loves me a lot.... I feel like I've been manipulated, used and abused!
     
    Xience likes this.
  2. Estus

    Estus Banned

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    How do I know you're not here to try to influence the 2018 election?
     
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    This sounds like a bad situation. Change is possible and the relationship can be fixed... but he needs to want to do it more than anything else in the world. I cannot tell you to stay or to leave. That is a decision that only you can make. Only you can decide when you have had enough.

    First I want to express that this is NONE of your fault. The things he is doing has nothing to do with you, the baby, your looks, or your attitude. This is all about him. Porn/sex addicts will blame others, minimize, gaslight, rationalize, and excuse their behavior and do not take responsibility for their destructive ways. You could be the perfect wife and it still wouldn't make him happy. Right now he is broken, unhappy, and out of control.

    You didn't mention porn but most likely that's how it started. Boys start looking at porn and masturbating because they are curious and find it arousing. However, behind the scenes, the brain is learning to use it as a coping mechanism to handle stress. Addicts learn to use things/images/objects/rituals to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape negative feelings. It can be as simple as boredom or loneliness, as serious as childhood trauma, or to medicate an underlying mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. Instead of turning to true sources of comfort their illness causes them to believe only their addiction can make them feel good.

    Addicts go into a trance when engaging in their addiction. It is a state of mind that is pain-free, stress-free, and judgment free. Parts of their brain literally shut down for a period of time. This trance-like state can last for hours or even days. The entire time he is chatting online or chatting up women at the bar he is riding a high that he never wants to end.

    Addicts also build up a tolerance and need to escalate to get that same high feeling. They can look at porn more often, look at more hardcore forms of porn, or start acting out in real life. Once they cross a line it becomes very difficult for them to never cross it again. Real life sex does not give the same 'high' feeling as web chats.

    Addicts also form a relationship with their addiction. They devote time, energy, and money to nurture it. When he moved into another bedroom essentially he moved in with his 'Mistress' and wants nothing to do with you. The real world is too stressful and too unpredictable for him so he seeks comfort in his porn/chat/sex rituals.

    Addicts will continue to abuse and escalate until they hit a rock-bottom moment. Addicts often do not respond to love, understanding, or logic. They are trying to medicate their underlying pain. A rock-bottom moment is when continuing the behavior is more painful than giving it up. Sometimes it's a financial disaster, sometimes it's getting separated or divorced, sometimes it's when the police get involved.

    There is absolutely a way for him to get better, but only if he's ready to change and sees a therapist. He's got an addiction that is just as severe as drug addiction, gambling addiction, or drug addiction. Addiction NEVER gets better on it's own and it ALWAYS gets worse. He needs to learn to deal with life in healthy ways and to get rid of thoughts and behavior that promote his addiction. You deserve better. You don't deserve to come in second to other people. You don't deserve to have to wait around for your husband to finally wake up. You have every right to feel the way you do. He has betrayed your trust and your love. I sincerely hope that something happens and your situation improves. You deserve to be happy and supported.
     
  4. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    IMHO, your marriage is already over, sad to say the truth. Terrible situation and I think you should do what's in the best interests of your child and yourself. Staying in a bad situation isn't the answer and you could still find another man that won't treat you like garbage in the future.
     
  5. Spiff

    Spiff Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like he's chin deep in his addiction and about to drown. Only you can determine if you can salvage the time you've already invested into the relationship, and if it's worth keeping him around for the sake of your child. I generally encourage people to stay together if possible - but he certainly crossed the line when he got involved with another woman.

    The things he's been telling you - blaming you for the problems - these sound like an addict justifying his own misdeeds to himself. Blaming a new mother for his becoming cold in a relationship? This is the time when he should be doing as much as humanly possible to support you and be affectionate and affirming. This addiction can turn a person into an incredibly self-centered and deluded person.

    Unfortunately, there's no way any of us can tell you whether or not he'll stop. Learn what you can about the addiction from this forum and other sources - and then, with the intimate knowledge you have of your husband, maybe you can make an educated guess as to whether or not he'll change.

    By the way - PA SO's - is it helpful for a recovering PA to post in this section, or do you only want other SO's? I won't get my feelings hurt if you tell me to get lost...
     
    WifeInTheDark, eKat and noonoon like this.
  6. Personally, I find having the PA perspective very helpful. Especially when they can look at both sides and be supportive as you have been. Many of us struggle with our PASO not admitting the pain they have caused let alone understanding or empathizing with us. I find having a PA who can do so in their stead to be comforting, affirming, and downright inspirational. :) It gives me hope.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Spiff like this.
  7. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Oh, shit. that made my day.
     
    eKat likes this.
  8. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Sad to hear of this. It must be heart breaking.

    The addict must be the one to seek help. It doesn't sound like he wants it, however. He's blaming you for his behavior and that is bullshit. It's called "gaslighting". I'd say based on what you report it justifies a divorce.

    Sorry, kid. You married a turd.
     
  9. eKat

    eKat Fapstronaut

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    If I was I would be focusing on Putin cheating on Tramp
     
  10. eKat

    eKat Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your reply. I know that he is not a bad guy! And he explained a lot of things to me since I've made this post and most of things you mentioned, he said as well.
    He wants to quit this bad habit and rebuild the trust and save the family with all possible ways available for him. He admits that he has an addictive personality and that he needs to get help.
    I truly hope he will get it because when he opened up to me, I was shocked to find out how much it has been taken over his life when he had episodes and how much it was destroying him when he had guilt trips.

    k you so
     
  11. eKat

    eKat Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for being so bang on with advise! I'm sorry but I'm not familiar what SO means? And I am open for any advises and opinions!
    I decided to give him my time and love because anyone can get lost in life and make mistakes and the fact that he has told me intimate details about his addiction has made me realise that he doesn't want to hide it anymore. He want me to know the truth so I can help him in any way I can. Only time will tell. But I really hope he can be free from it. Sounds like a nightmare! I feel sorry for people who has this problem and for all dearest to them to has to go through this hard time. It hurts so much!
     
  12. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    First off, I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

    It makes me very angry that he's blaming you for this behavior. His use of cam sites and seeing another woman has nothing to do with you. For whatever reason, he thinks there's some type of fulfillment he's going to get out of this behavior. He's either going to start working hard to recover, or he's going to learn the hard way that he'll never find fulfillment there--and it might not be until he's lost you.

    I encourage you to connect with some of the women in here and lean on them. There are so many knowledgeable, and (unfortunately) experienced women here who understand exactly what you're going through.

    The good sign is that he acknowledges that this is a problem, and he doesn't want to do it anymore. But there's going to be a part of him that still very much wants to keep doing it. That's the addiction.

    If he's serious about change, I would highly recommend some filters/blocks for the computer so he can't go to those sites anymore, and some kind of restrictions set on his phone. You can recommend that, but in the end, these are steps he needs to take for himself. If months go by and he doesn't take drastic measures to change, but you keep seeing the same pattern of behavior over and over, that will tell you something.

    Oh, and just to help you out with the internal lingo here on NoFap:
    • PMO = porn/masturbation/orgasm
    • SO = significant other
    • PA = porn addict
    • AP = accountability partner
    That's great. He will definitely need your support and love through this battle. However ... keep your wits about you, and be on the lookout for situations where it feels like your love turns into enabling.

    My ex-wife and I are divorced ... but we love eachother unconditionally. My wife was my biggest cheerleader in my recovery, and always believed in my best. In the end, there just wasn't enough progress from her perspective, so she chose to divorce me. But I never questioned her unconditional love. She was able to love me while still making the best decisions for her own wellness, and I encourage you to do the same.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  13. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Dude. Calm down. People can change. That's why you and I are in this forum.

    Comments like "your marriage is already over" are not helpful.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.

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