Mermaid's Journal (SO)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by BetrayedMermaid, Apr 20, 2018.

  1. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    MELTDOWN AT WORK TODAY

    Today I had a meltdown at work just because someone asked me how my daughter is doing. My daughter has just rejected a full ride scholarship with the ROTC to pay for nursing school at University of Portland (expensive nice school)... she says "I don't want to leave my cat and I want to dye my hair pink", but I think the real reason is she does' t want to leave me in the state that I'm in.... she sees my sobbing episodes, I try to hide them from her, like I go into a different room or outside.

    I feel like because I'm not strong, she feels like she can't leave me. She also has seen all the vandalism I've done to various items in the house. I try to destroy the evidence of my outbursts (cleaning up the glass or whatever)... but she is the one seeing me at my worst... and I'm so sad that I have given her the idea that she can't leave me and then I blame my husband for hurting me so bad that I can't control myself from crying and anger...

    I'm so mad at all of the ripples this porn addiction has on our kids.... so mad and so sad.

    I went into one of the doctor's offices and hyperventilated for a few minutes and then used breathing techniques to calm myself down... maybe took about 10 minutes, then I went back to the floor to take care of my cancer patients who have if far worse than I do.... although I did just listen to something that says that Betrayal Trauma pain is rated only 2nd to losing a child... that's a lot of pain and I do feel like I'm dealing pretty damn well for that kind of pain... I haven't even missed a day of work!!
     
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  2. So sorry to hear that .. it's these things--the tangible and intangible effects on our kids that just sucks. It's so unfair to our kids. As the PA, it makes me sick that I have hurt my wife so much that her personality is so drastically different than who I know she is / who are kids know her to be.

    I just hope and pray that somehow, the kids / the family dynamic, the family LIFE is restore'able .. with time and healing.
     
  3. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I’m not in a good place. I’m negative. About everything in life... big this is not me. It’s not my baseline...I’m happy and fun loving. I have a zest for life and I love.... I emit love usually...
    but not now-
    I texted this ungraceful text to my husband:

    “You know I think it messed with me more psychologically that you treated me so wonderfully and made me feel like I was the only woman that would ever turn you on..Because I really counted on that. I really believed you. So you coaxed me to climb this ladder of actually trusting that a man really feels that way about me and then when I get to the top, if you bludgeon me on the head knocking me clear to the ground and now I’m supposed to start climbing the rungs of the latter with this bashed in head?

    It would’ve been way better had you not coaxed me up that ladder. I wouldn’t have climbed so high. Also I could have ducked when you went to bludgeoned me.

    The way I’m feeling right now I will never even set 1 foot on the ladder for you or any man ever again. And I will constantly have a helmet on.”

    Then I drew a graphic comic strip of ladder climbing and bludgeoning. The last strip is me lying on the ground and that’s where my stopped.

    What do I do now? Get up? Lay there and fester till my spirit dies? I don’t have the energy... I’m at a spa right now, just had a massage and am sitting in the pool— I can’t relax...

    I’m sure some of you think I’m so dramatic... yes I’m a passionate person and this is how I’m dealing with pain.
     
  4. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    I don't think you're being dramatic. I think you're just trying to deal with the damage that's been done. Don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to hop up and be happy after going through all of this. You're doing great. Maybe the analogy you sent your husband will help him have more understanding of your perspective.

    I'm not sure what you can do to help you relax. I've tried meditation before and it's worked somewhat for me, and there is guided meditation you can use with phone apps and stuff like that. Maybe try that?
     
    Torn likes this.
  5. I don't know how helpful or worthwhile this is (I haven't listened to it all):
    http://beyondaffairs.com/audio/for-the-betrayed-spouse/betrayed-spouse/

    About the 34th minute, she says this [about coming out of the darkness as the betrayed spouse]:
    "No longer was my life all about my spouse...I was just able to be me..no longer was I trying to copy somebody else...able to fully dare to be myself, and it is the most freeing and most wonderful thing."
     
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  6. My wife has been listening to this Betrayal Trauma podcast and learning a lot...this is the main site and their overview of the healing stages (23-minute audio):
    https://www.btr.org/betrayal-trauma-healing-stages/

    Cliffnotes below.

    ..

    Betrayal Trauma Recovery Stage 1 – Safety and Stabilization
    * finding safety and stability

    * find space to express yourself in response to the turmoil that your life has just been thrown into

    * address issues relating to all aspects of safety; emotional, physical, spiritual, sexual and financial

    Betrayal Trauma Recovery Stage 2 – Remembering and Mourning
    * FEELING stage

    * create time and space to feel the emotion produced by the trauma

    * delicate balance of courage and pacing. To heal from the trauma and grief we must be prepared to feel it and allow the pain to ‘pass through’ but we must do so carefully and sensitively so as not to become overwhelmed

    * includes telling your story, often repeatedly, which can help you to come to terms with the traumatic memories by ‘making sense’ of what has happened


    Betrayal Trauma Recovery Stage 3 – Reconnecting
    * reconnect with the world around you

    ..

    "Whilst there is no specific timeline for each phase of healing, it is important to recognize that this is a long term healing process. It is also not a linear or ‘end to end’ process and there are likely to be a number of bumps in the road, setbacks and occasions where you find yourself circling back.

    The behavior of the addict has much to do with the ease with which you pass through each stage. The aim, at every stage, will be for you to feel empowered to heal."

    ..

    Podcast episodes:
    https://www.btr.org/recovery-podcast/

    ..

    Hang in there.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2018
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.
  7. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I’ll listen. Thanks.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  8. FYI: I listened to that 23-minute audio .. it's ok / not horrible, not stupendous ... kind of a commercial for their APSATS coaches / Recovery Club thing. The full overview of those 3 stages on that webpage are interesting -- and the audio talks through it.

    I think my wife has listened to at least a few of the podcasts .. and she learned a lot from those.

    Hopefully some of the content there will be helpful.
     
    BetrayedMermaid likes this.
  9. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    It makes me laugh that hitting the head with a stick is described. I completely relate. I did not listen to this before my analogy of the bludgering club..
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  10. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    So now I’m feeling really overwhelmed by all the work that supposedly has to go into me healing from Betrayal trauma- workbooks, coaches, ugh.... this is not how I wanted to spend my time in my mid 40s. My kids are finally grown and now I wanted to do something fun in life. Work on things like painting, things I have put off for 22 years while raising kids. I don’t want to have to work on healing from this shit. This was supposed to be my time!!! Now I feel robbed of years worth of trying to recover from this fucking pain. I just can’t even tell you how pissed off I am at my husband right now. I don’t want to do this !!!!!! I just feel like running away taking a travel nurse job and starting over completely!!! I do NOT FEEL LIKE Doing the work! I don’t have time for this shit. I’m 45 fucking years old and I’m supposed to be working on solidifying my retirement and figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my life not healing from some fucking trauma that my husband gives me !!! I’m so angry right now!!! This is me letting it out. You PAs freaking suck so bad. You’ll never know how you hurt us because we wouldn’t dream of hurting you guys like this because we fucking love you and it sucks so bad !!!!! So I could delete my rant or I could post it. I’m posting.
     
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  11. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I’m posting it for all the wives that are quiet about this because they’re more graceful than I am. This is what you’ve done to us... fuck all of you guys- unless you are honestly in recovery.... that’s the thing how would we ever know if it’s honest again?
     
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  12. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I’m fucking losing it. That massage did me no good.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  13. You have accelerated through this process like few people I've seen here on NoFap (not that I have seen hundreds of examples or anything).

    I see and hear from you what I know is raging within my own wife. I personally think it is much healthier to be venting and unloading like you are. Even the smashed dishes or whatever -- let it out..in the notes from above, this phrase stuck out to me the most:
    "allow the pain to ‘pass through’..."

    Later in that same sentence it mentions "...not to become overwhelmed" -- that is difficult, I know.

    ..

    Keep pressing into the pain .. pushing through it .. continue to use the community here at NoFap to read / to vent / to learn / to grow. Besides your therapist, are there other trustworthy people to see and talk to in person?
     
  14. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I need a break from Nofap. It’s a trigger right now. Fuck it all...
     
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  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I went through this super intense anger at my husband as well. It really seems unbearable at times. I'm sorry you (and all of us) are having to go through this. I don't wish it on anyone, it is truly terrible.
     
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Yes, sometimes this place can be the greatest source of support, and sometimes it can be the greatest trigger. Take a break. Breathe. We are here when you need us. PM us. Post in the SOS group. Come back when you are ready. Take care of yourself.
     
  17. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    45 is still very young in this day and age. Retirement could be 20 years away if not more. Healing will take time, but not 20 years. How do you want to spend the rest of your life? If you’re on this site like me, I have a hunch it’s because you want more. Not more stuff, but real fulfillment and meaning. Sadly, I believe the only way to get that is to do the work and find whatever it takes for you to heal and move past this.

    I’ll be praying for you. Best wishes.
     
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  18. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    I get this. I was thinking last night as I was reading NoFap, "This is my life right now??" Not what I had hoped for at this point in my life after all the hard work I've done to get to a peaceful place... only to leave it behind... for this? How could what was so beautiful and promising turn into something so painful?

    Your anger is normal and healthy. I'm glad you're letting it out so you can heal from this trauma.
     
  19. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree with you. I’m in a very similar situation. I spent 7 years in therapy to process and get over my childhood and first failed relationship. I thought I did “the work” I needed too before getting married. The problem is, I stopped doing the work, even the little things that would have reminded me what I learned so long ago. Slowly, my pride and anger got the best of me and I returned to my old habits.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m order to live a really fulfilling life, there will always be work to be done, and challenges to overcome. If there weren’t, it wouldn’t be very fulfilling.

    What I’m trying to learn and remember right now, is to find joy and gratitude in the work, and even in the suffering. There is beauty in all of it.

    I hope you have a great day and feel more comfort in the near future.
     
  20. Yes this!!! I was JUST reiterating this to my husband recently regarding my own personal journey.

    I did tons of personal growth and recovery prior to meeting him. I was in a very healthy place and mindset. DDay set me back into unhealthy patterns and ways of thinking. Spiraling on & off for the last almost 4yrs. I’m only NOW forcing myself back into personal recovery and leaving it up to him to do his own (this is the difficult part for me).

    Ladies hang in there. Remember to be loving to yourselves and take good care of yourselves.

    Betrayal Bonds book @TryingHard2Change mentioned is a great place to start!
     
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