Mid 40's and never had a girlfriend-is it too late?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by zx125, Oct 26, 2021.

  1. zx125

    zx125 Fapstronaut

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    I am in my mid 40's and attracted to women but have never had a relationship. It's a long story, and partly explains the reason for my use of P and this website.

    For most of my life I have felt like I don't understand the rules of relationships. Throughout my teens, 20's and 30's I missed many opportunities because Of lack of confidence. I have just always felt that I am missing something that everybody else knows about. I have been told I am 'good looking' and 'attractive' but such have never been aware of female interest in me, while everyone one else around me seems to 'just get it'. I have recently made a concerted effort to gain a relationship through the use of online dating but have met with a similar lack of success, with a few indications of interest here and there. I am still determined do whatever I can because the attainment of a relationship is one of the things I would like most in my life.

    Is there anyone else like this?, and is there any hope of changing my situation?
     
  2. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. You're not alone in this. Confidence plays a large role in life, unfortunately. There's not a lot of room for the socially anxious in this world. We're social creatures by nature, so when socializing causes anxiety and one avoids it...well, I think that it's self evident that it will likely cause pain in some form or fashion. And when you let it go on too long, you end up older with little experience in the realm of relationships. I've had a couple brief stints with girls. One was more of a friend zoning, which sucked. Being a social outlet and good "rebound" for her as she bounced to someone new was rough. The second was interested because, like you, I'm not too bad looking. But unfortunately, when someone approaches you based on your looks (I'm not handsome, but I'm thin and relatively athletic, so I think that helped me), chances are that what they are after is shallow. And she was only interested in sex when all was said and done. So when I said no, that ended things relatively quick (we had texted a lot and been on some dates, but nothing too prolonged). But the pain it caused was inconceivable, especially considering the fact that the relationship wasn't even that long.
    To be honest, I've only really approached the first girl, and that didn't end awesome. The second girl approached me, and that didn't end awesome. But we don't have to let our experiences define us. We create our own fate. And the more you put yourself out there, the more likely you will have success. And I think deep down, we both know this to be true. But being rejected sucks. Especially if it's repetitive. But the more you throw the dart at the wall, the increased your odds of hitting the bullseye. Just keep throwing, man. You got this. And no, you're not alone.
     
  3. Talz

    Talz Fapstronaut

    My experiences are somewhat similar to what you guys describe. I used to get friend zoned a lot and it really effected my already bad confidence. I've been told I'm super hot many times, even by girls that did the friend zoning! Heck, I've had girls yell at me from across the street before that they think I'm hot. So looks don't seem to matter when you have zero game and no confidence. I have been putting a lot of effort into myself and leveling up a lot though, so as a result my confidence is increasing.

    I would definitely improve on everything you can as a start to gain more confidence. Are you in shape? Is your money sorted? Are your social skills improving?

    One book I would like to read that I know has helped a lot of guys is The Rational Male.
     
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  4. zx125

    zx125 Fapstronaut

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    I had social anxiety in my teens and early twenties, so possibly this could account for some of my problems. During those times when people learn about dating, I was hiding away. Then add pmo into that, and I almost see my use of p as a substitute for a relationship.

    Since my 40's I've started to take nofap and finding a relationship more seriously. It seems like an uphill struggle at times but I do believe I possess the determination because a relationship with a woman is something I've always desired.

    It can be hard though, because you hear so little about other men(people?) in this position. I mean how exactly does someone go about finding a relationship when they have so little experience? It's easy to get discouraged and recently, with the whole coronavirus situation, I must admit I have more or less given up trying.
     
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  5. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    By the time I'm marketable, I'll be in the same position for sure. But if you want something bad enough, don't let anything stop you. Persist. Keep approaching women in real life and online. Don't be creepy or annoying, but don't give up hope. Just move on to the next person if the original one shakes you off. The other thing that I've thought a lot about is what people truly desire. Simply put, it's to be cared for. How do you show a potential spouse you can care for them? They can't see inside your mind. Well, I would say they can tell by how you care for yourself...that means your physique and your overall appearance (groomed or not, clothes, etc.), among other things. They can also tell by how you interact with others. They see this by you ACTUALLY INTERACTING WITH OTHERS :). In some ways, I think volunteering is a great option because you are not only helping others, but those people who volunteer with you can see the care you provide to your work and the people you're helping. Now, I'm not saying all this to manipulate girls to like you. I'm just stating what I have concluded. If a woman doesn't know you, she will look for ways to assess your ability to care for her, whether that be physically, emotionally, or financially. But be wary of which she is interested in. That is my opinion, for what it's worth.
    But yeah, NEVER BACK DOWN!!! (said like the true hypocrite I am)
     
  6. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Haven't read it, but will include it on my list of books I want to read...eventually.
     
  7. Talz

    Talz Fapstronaut

    That first paragraph is me in a nutshell, and probably a lot of people on this site honestly. I agree it can feel like you're the only one in that position, but the struggle modern men have with women is very real. As I've gotten older I've realized how common this kind of stuff actually is.

    I don't think it's too late though, especially if all you want is a relationship. There are a lot of pretty lame guys walking around with girlfriends if you look around... The bar for getting a girlfriend is pretty low.

    I'm personally not really interested in having a girlfriend anymore. I feel like I want to be more of a casual dater for awhile.
     
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  8. bigbnoo

    bigbnoo Fapstronaut

    Never too late. For guys, the beauty is that you can easily date a woman 10 years younger (or more), very rare the other way around.

    There are no real rules to relationships though, different people are in all kinds of things. And even though it may seem that people have gotten their shit together, reality is many are fighting their own battles. Despite appearances there are also women out there with worries about the same thing.

    Experience doesn't really count for much; in some ways by simply being a human you have gained much of that experience. In a quite crappy way (I have done it), if you drop your standards you can get in a relationship easy enough, you gain experience but it simply tells you what you don't want in a relationship (which already is in your head)
     
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  9. Mazda647

    Mazda647 Fapstronaut

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    No.

    Find social events to connect with people face to face. Build general social skills. They say body language is a big part of communicating. I'm still bad at discerning that part. Honestly, I believe a big help is acknowledging one is lacking in the moment and progressively move forward.

    I went to church, though that's not the only place to go. One thing which helped me is to trust that I'm nearly 40 and go to a place where I can interact with people my own age range. While sometimes I may believe I'm mentally a teenager I have to be honest that I'm knocking on 40. The last thing I need is to predominantly hang around early twenty somethings who are in the transition between living with their parents and chasing youthful pipe dreams. Though I do see value in having some interaction with people that age as they can help ignite a spark in us. At the end I've already been that age so I don't want to go back.
     
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  10. zx125

    zx125 Fapstronaut

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    I totally get what you mean there. I sometimes see couples and I'm trying to work out what's the guy got that I havn't?
     
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  11. The Rational Male changed my life. It is the most important book I've "read" this year. Audio book makes "reading" easy. The problem we are facing is generational, cultural, and not at all your fault. Turn towards the pain, work through your anger, and transform yourself into the hero of your story.
     
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  12. This. A few years of hard work is all it takes.
     
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  13. It isn't everyone else. My guess is that only 10% of men understand what makes women tick. Another 40% or so stumble into strategies that sort of work. The rest are clueless. For your sake, I hope it isn't too late. I am 38 and I am only just now beginning to piece together the facts on the ground. I have been to bed with 8 women, most of them short term, a couple longer term. I'd count myself among the 40%. Your goal should not be a relationship. That's her goal. Your goal is success both personal and professional. Your goal is the perpetual attainment of an ever increasing standard of excellence you have chosen for yourself. Porn is a buffer against failure and rejection. But failure and rejection are our teachers. Stop pursuing women and start pursuing a life so satisfying that you don't particularly care whether you have a women on your arm or not. Do something with yourself that produces real and significant feelings of self worth. Understand that it is going to take several years of hard work and working though many painful failures before you really start to understand what works and what doesn't. Even if you don't meet with success in finding a woman that you want, you will be better for the effort.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2021
  14. Talz

    Talz Fapstronaut

    Probably nothing a lot of the time. If you want a girlfriend you can do it. There are plenty of resources to get you started with that.
     
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  15. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    All comes down to bad/missing parents. There's no way you had a good childhood and advice if you are in your 40's without ever having a girlfriend.
     
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  16. zx125

    zx125 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I was brought up by my mother after my parents got divorced. My father was absent and I only got to see him occasionally. I'm not sure if it is connected to that? Maybe it's a whole set of circumstances.
     
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  17. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    Of course it's connected. You've never had a father to teach you and be a mentor figire when it comes to life and dating. There is no easy way about this but you'll have to go out there and ask women out. Lots will reject you but learn from each one and one day you'll achieve your goal of having a woman.
     
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  18. Legacy of Lost Soul

    Legacy of Lost Soul Fapstronaut

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    Never too late. I was almost virgin at 34.. started nofap that year, now Im 38. Had 2 one year relationships. And many shorter ones. I had sex 1000s of times since than.
     
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  19. 1000 seems like a big number
     
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  20. Legacy of Lost Soul

    Legacy of Lost Soul Fapstronaut

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    I did it more than 1000s just with the lady I was 1 year with. We did it many times a day. I did non ejaculotary sex. Thanks for your concern.
     
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