I'm such a fuck up, you know what I'm tired of hearing? I'm tired of hearing my school counsellor or my soccer coach telling me shit like 'It's in your head', 'Get out of your own head' and the most useless of all 'Combat/Challenge those negative thoughts'. Surely, one would think, if they were capable of basic human tasks, i.e. Not fucking up everything you do, the most basic of tasks in a sport, or talking to people, or giving people eye contact for god's sake, you wouldn't need to artificially boost yourself esteem. Because you are capable of those things, you are capable of functioning as a social-able human. You know how fucked my self-esteem is? Sometimes, well actually, most of the time, I hate having a fucking shower because I hate seeing my disgusting fucking body in the mirror. Despite being told by some that I'm too skinny, or that I'm normal, etc etc. I still feel and I still am a fat fucking loser. I do pretty decent at school, I got an estimated ATAR of ~84 for Year 12. I wanted to be a pilot in the RAAF, but how the fuck am I ever going to achieve that if I'm just an autistic bumbling piece of shit who can't have a conversation with their mates one on one. I can do speeches to a class, or hell, even the school fine; but when it comes to talking to someone or having a conversation, I just can't. I literally want to kill myself as an escape. I remember early 2019 (I think), I was plus-oned (since I never get invited to parties, not even my own friends') to a girl's party who I somewhat had a crush on (if you'd even call it that, I don't think I had ever spoken to her, even to this day). Being the socially inept fuckwit that I am, I practically held on for mercy to my friend group as it slowly deteriorated as they spoke to other guys, and women who they did or didn't know at the party. Eventually I was all alone, kinda just awkwardly sitting on my phone in the corner while everyone was having fun in the pool. You want to know what I was thinking while everyone was exploring their teenage lives with girls or having fun with their mates? I thought about I could smash my skull on the edge of the pool hard enough so that I'd knock myself out and drown, or how I wish, how I begged that I had a gun and could just shoot myself in the fucking head. I eventually had the nerve to walk out on the party while some of my mates asked where I was going, or that they didn't want me to leave. Staying at that party would have done far more harm then good I estimate, in fact I know it would have made me more depressed on the walk home then I already was going to be as I walked home. Why can't I just be normal like everyone else, is it because I'm an only child who spent 90% of his childhood staring at the wall or watching TV on his own because no one was ever home? Is it because I was a fat little fucker throughout the entirety of primary school, and how being picked on for being a fat cunt has subconsciously impacted by self-esteem? Or was it that time in 2019 when I got completely dacked doing a pullup on the oval infront of the entire fucking school? (I was already a social anxiety-having fucking back then.) Holy shit typing this just feels good man, wow. Do I have asperges? I don't fucking know. Do I have social anxiety? I don't know. Am I just shy? I don't know. Do I have depression? I don't know. I hope I don't but I kind of hope I do at the same time so I have a reason to be so mentally fucking defective. All I know is that I've fantasized about killing myself since I was a 10 year old, and NoFap has merely granted me more time to think about how badly I just want to kill myself. How bad I just want to buy a gun, or join the army and just shoot myself in the fucking skull and just obliterate my existence from this Earth. On that note, I'm not like most people who say they've "Given up on humanity" and how they are "turning their back on humanity". Because I'm not angry at society or humanity, I know I'm the issue, I'm the defect. I'm so lonely and I love this solace, this hole that I'm in, this melancholy. It feels warm, cozy, it feels like I belong here and it feels like I'm here to stay. I don't give a fuck anymore, I just want to die. Maybe I'll regret it when I do kill myself one day. I'm just so tired of being an autistic little fuckup loser. Sometimes when I get mad at myself or I feel stress, I just like to rant in my head how I'm so much a fucking fat little cunt fucking loser, it feels good. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm holding a gun to my head (or in my mouth) with my hand and just pretend I'm pulling the trigger and that I won't be here anymore. I remember when I was a little younger, I used to go sleep, making a prayer (Eastern Orthodox) and just pray that god will kill me or end my life. I'm just listing my thoughts here so if this feels a little disjointed, I apologise. I just wish I could be normal, I wish I didn't hate the very existence of my being, my body, my stupid ugly fucking face. I wish I could look people in the eye while I talk to them. I wish I could talk to people. I wish I could talk to girls, I wish I could feel not lonely. I've done research on how to do those things, and it just brings me back to where I started. 'It's in your head', 'Get out of your own head' and the most useless of all 'Combat/Challenge those negative thoughts'. Just read that, kind of liked how I brought it full circle. I know other stuff about helping my social anxiety and stuff, people say just talk to people or talk to strangers, even just shallow talk etc. and it will get easier. Sure maybe it might, but I don't want to have to try man, I'm so fucking sick of having to strive to be average instead of just 'being average'. I don't want to try, I just want to kill myself and not have to bother, just give up. Some of you reading that message above might be a bit smug and say, 'then do it, nothing is stopping you, just do it, you're just going to be another statistic.' Do you really think I care about being another statistic? If I had a gun, I would have already killed myself lmao. I would probably be dead in the pool or on the couch, I don't fucking know. I'm listening to some Radiohead and just writing these things while putting on a good album of their just feels right. I'll wrap it up here, how the fuck are people cocky? How are people arrogant or become overconfident? I want that shit man, surely it's better than every thought you have in your brain is either a plea for suicide or a neutral thought which manifests itself into a negative one. Anyways, that's all I can think of for now in my smug essay. Comment what you guys think or something so I know my block of text didn't go unnoticed. Or even advice, I dunno, I haven't totally given up yet. Thanks guys.