Midnight rant: Socially retarded!

For quite some time now I have suspicion that I might be mentally retarded, in the Social and Emotion departments. Left brain still fine. Right brain? Hannibal Lector scooped it out!

Spoiler: Wall of text, mostly depressing shits

Since birth, I frequently find myself having a hard time making new friends, frightened whenever there are lots of strange people, not knowing what to say in a conversation, or how to maintain interest during one. These are IMO the less severe symptoms.

The worse ones showed up later in life. I fail to understand others’ emotion and even that of my own. I can’t remember having an emotional connection with anyone, even those I find myself attracted to.


I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings, so as a child I just mostly stay silent. Puberty spent wearing this nice guy mask, always faking smiles, pretend to agree to shits that I don’t align with! Almost never showed my true self, my wants and needs. Just so people would continue to play with me! It fucked me up big time. Now my expressive capability is equal to that of a rock!

I couldn’t remember anytime someone give me credits for anything. Parents are like drill sargeants, study study more and more. What your favourite show is on, *turn off tv* not anymore now. What you got 8.5/10? Where the fuck is the rest? Here’s your can of asswhooping, get them while it’s hot, we restock tomorrow! Suit up martial art class in 15. English class weekend! But I wanna go pl...DO YOUR HOMEWORK NOW!

I’M YOUR SON NOT YOUR MULE OF FAILED DREAMS!!!

Inside I was a problem child, couldn’t sit still in class, always yearning for adventure. Outside, scared shitless from all the hitting and intimidation all the way from home to school. In between, sad and depressed, mute and deaf, boring and lonely! And was never enough for anyone!

Used to love science. Biology and physics. Used to love football, played every recess, before and after school. Used to love hanging out with friends every second of my childhood. Used to love computer, the magic box of beep boop!

Threw it all away in exchange for the depression and addiction!

I got myself to the best tech uni in the country, learnt to speak new language like a native, learnt to play an instrument and join a band. Still didn’t feel enough.


I wasn’t fucked up enough to successfully kill myself. Maybe there’s still a glimpse of hope for me after all this. I mean some people got it way worse than I do. If they can do it so can I!

Now here I am, after 30 days, realising there is still so much work to do, a body to fix, a soul to search for, achievements that I want to accomplish. A new self waiting to be rediscovered.

Friends I’m going blind here, could really use some advice on how to reintegrate into society.
Thanks for reading!

 

I’ve been a fool my whole life, for not taking action and victimized myself! Thanks man, going to read the book too! Don’t know if there’s an answer to all of this, but I’ll try anyway!

 

Yeah, summer break for people like you and I can be pretty. tough!