Mighty have fallen...

L

lifewithoutpmo@1

Fapstronaut
My brothers. I come to you today humbled, disappointed, seeking advisement and making a plea for help from anyone in a similar streak or from anyone really.

I went about 18 months no PMO and felt great. I thought I had kicked this habit once and for all, and was feeling pretty good about all the changes that I’ve made.

I relapsed :( and let my guard down. At first, I got pulled in because I thought I was doing something noble, which just ended up being a trigger. I tried finding P on YouTube to report it cuz I was frustrated with how it’s always up there. That naturally lead to other thoughts and emotions and boom there went my streak.

I’m feeling it guys. The guilt, the shame, the disappointment, the loss of progress, etc. Physically it’s brought back lots of symptoms and anxiety. I know they say relapse is part of the journey, but damn I really thought I had strong willed and beat it.

What do I do now? What do I do next time? Feel like I’ve failed myself. P is bullshit! How can I keep from digging and going further down the rabbit hole?
 
lifewithoutpmo@1 said:
My brothers. I come to you today humbled, disappointed, seeking advisement and making a plea for help from anyone in a similar streak or from anyone really.

I went about 18 months no PMO and felt great. I thought I had kicked this habit once and for all, and was feeling pretty good about all the changes that I’ve made.

I relapsed :( and let my guard down. At first, I got pulled in because I thought I was doing something noble, which just ended up being a trigger. I tried finding P on YouTube to report it cuz I was frustrated with how it’s always up there. That naturally lead to other thoughts and emotions and boom there went my streak.

I’m feeling it guys. The guilt, the shame, the disappointment, the loss of progress, etc. Physically it’s brought back lots of symptoms and anxiety. I know they say relapse is part of the journey, but damn I really thought I had strong willed and beat it.

What do I do now? What do I do next time? Feel like I’ve failed myself. P is bullshit! How can I keep from digging and going further down the rabbit hole?
Click to expand...
 
I know you are feeling bad because you messed up, but 18 months is a long time. I would kill to be able to get on a streak like that, and to know that you were able to go that long is extremely encouraging to me. I guess you have to go just like the rest of us, and start again. You know what tripped you up, so be careful of it this time.
BTW since you have had that long of a streak, do you feel a lot more tempted now that you have slipped?
 
lifewithoutpmo@1 said:
What do I do now? What do I do next time? Feel like I’ve failed myself. P is bullshit! How can I keep from digging and going further down the rabbit hole?
Click to expand...
It may sound bloody cliche but I am going to tell you the eternal secret to permanent freedom from any bad habits... (Prepare yourself!)

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Yeah, it's this simple. You may have fallen down but it's your choice to stay down. What gives me the qualifications to say it? I guess my 24+ month ongoing streak has taught me a few lessons. (Or that's what I like to think.)
 
Similar thing happened to me last year.

I watched Bree Olsen's YouTube video where she is crying and saying regrets ever doing P and hates herself for it etc. I genuinely felt bad for her as she struggles to have friends these days, she is well into her 30s and married but anyone she becomes friends with ditches her when they find out she used to do P.

Anyway, her face was stuck in my mind and it lead to me searching for her pics, which obviously brought up her P and from there I relapsed.

Moral of the story, just doing do anything P related even if you are thinking it is a positive. A P addicts neuro pathways are so deep that even the slightest of trigger can open them up again.
 
Taternater said:
I know you are feeling bad because you messed up, but 18 months is a long time. I would kill to be able to get on a streak like that, and to know that you were able to go that long is extremely encouraging to me. I guess you have to go just like the rest of us, and start again. You know what tripped you up, so be careful of it this time.
BTW since you have had that long of a streak, do you feel a lot more tempted now that you have slipped?
Click to expand...

Yeah the temptation gets real bad and mentally your brain tries to justify it. It tells you you’ve earned it or see it wasn’t so bad.

Thanks for your encouragement. Best of luck to you on your journey as well.
 
MuscularSherlockHolmes said:
It may sound bloody cliche but I am going to tell you the eternal secret to permanent freedom from any bad habits... (Prepare yourself!)

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Yeah, it's this simple. You may have fallen down but it's your choice to stay down. What gives me the qualifications to say it? I guess my 24+ month ongoing streak has taught me a few lessons. (Or that's what I like to think.)
Click to expand...
MuscularSherlockHolmes said:
It may sound bloody cliche but I am going to tell you the eternal secret to permanent freedom from any bad habits... (Prepare yourself!)

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Yeah, it's this simple. You may have fallen down but it's your choice to stay down. What gives me the qualifications to say it? I guess my 24+ month ongoing streak has taught me a few lessons. (Or that's what I like to think.)
Click to expand...
 

Your advisement is actually pretty profound. You’re right, I shouldn’t stay down or keep myself down or keep digging. New day, new opportunity. Thanks bro. Congrats on your streak — it’s amazing. Keep it and preserve cuz I can tell you while I’m going to try and not dwell on this, relapse isn’t worth it even one bit for even for those brief moments of perceived pleasure.
 
lifewithoutpmo@1,
I've also just relapsed a handful of times after a 218 day streak. What I can say is this: It sucks having fallen from 500 miles high, but this is just the beginning. You are the author to your own story. Chapter 1 might not have ended ideally, but chapter 2 is where your truly good life begins. It's cliche, I know, but the main message is to stay on it. There's a future version of yourself that's grateful you made it.

I hope that helps,
AJ
 
lifewithoutpmo@1 said:
My brothers. I come to you today humbled, disappointed, seeking advisement and making a plea for help from anyone in a similar streak or from anyone really.

I went about 18 months no PMO and felt great. I thought I had kicked this habit once and for all, and was feeling pretty good about all the changes that I’ve made.

I relapsed :( and let my guard down. At first, I got pulled in because I thought I was doing something noble, which just ended up being a trigger. I tried finding P on YouTube to report it cuz I was frustrated with how it’s always up there. That naturally lead to other thoughts and emotions and boom there went my streak.

I’m feeling it guys. The guilt, the shame, the disappointment, the loss of progress, etc. Physically it’s brought back lots of symptoms and anxiety. I know they say relapse is part of the journey, but damn I really thought I had strong willed and beat it.

What do I do now? What do I do next time? Feel like I’ve failed myself. P is bullshit! How can I keep from digging and going further down the rabbit hole?
Click to expand...

Corruptio optimi pessima - The fall of the best (among us) hurts the most :( Jesus, I feel you friend. These quotes may sound cliche, but are very true. Keep your head high and continue on the right path. You might have stumbled, but you're still far away from day 1 and on the right track. We're all perfectly imperfect or as Salvador Dali would put it: "Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." :)

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Confucius
"Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes." - Confucius
“Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved.” - Lao Tzu
"Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills his own obligations and corrects his own mistakes." - Lao Tzu
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts the most.” - W. Churchill
 
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I have a personal plan for such case in my journal . I'll copy/paste it here, maybe you'll find it useful:

Plan in case of a slip

I'm doing fine, not planning on slipping, but it's better to have emergency plan just in case… I'm nearing the longest streak I've ever had and it's better to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst than to relapse into multi month long binge like I had last summer, just because I had no emergency plan in place.

I like to keep plan simple. All my relapses have happened in front of my computer so I have only 2 rules:

1) A) If I open porn related website -> B) I immediately unplug PC power cord (and stay away from the PC for the rest of the day)

I have always prepacked backpack in the case of lapse happening:

2) B) In the case of lapse (=one time MO or PMO) -> C) I immediately take my backpack and go for a 2-3 days hike to prevent lapse becoming full blown relapse

I didn't need to use second rule yet, but I decided that if lapse happens and I implement second rule, I don't have to reset counter if there isn't another lapse following inside the next 3 months period. I came to this conclusion after reading this article how to avoid shame and guilt cycle from ruining progress you've made -> https://www.smartrecovery.org/stopping-a-slip-from-becoming-a-relapse/

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"So does this mean that even a brief lapse must lead to a full-blown relapse? Does it mean a person must continue to drink or drug until the use returns to the initial level? Is spiraling out of control inevitable? Simply put, no. A lapse need not become a relapse. After a slip, you have not unlearned all that you have learned. You have not unchanged all that you have changed in your life to support your recovery. You do not have to start counting again from day one.

If you view your lapse as a mistake and as a product of external triggers, rather than as a personal failure, research shows that you will have a much better chance of return to abstinence quickly. Your lapse becomes a tool to move forward and to strengthen your motivation to change, your identification of triggers and urge-controlling techniques, your rational coping skills, and the lifestyle changes needed to lead a more balanced life."
 
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