Mind of an addict

I would suggest finding some meetings that (1) address your major addiction(s), (2) are close by and (2) fit with your schedule - and then just go. Not only is every Twelve Step program a little bit unique, but every group as well! So try a few out and see how each fits. When you find one that feels right, dig in for the long haul.

 

I highly recommend a book by Richard Rohr titled: "Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps". Judging by your profile and post history I think you would be open to it.

 

Thank you for this post.I've been binge watching youtube for the last 2 days and this made me realize exactly what I have been doing and why I am doing it.

 

Whether I'm on a streak or not, I'm an internet addict.

 

It is difficult getting into a new pattern of behaviour especially when the old patterns gave a sense of thrill and excitement but that doesn't mean you can't adopt healthier coping mechanisms in the future which are still rewarding. Personally i attended CA (Cocaine Anonymous) because i had a problem with narcotics, but the interesting thing is it also helped me with my addiction to online porn and cannabis and alcohol. The focus on the meetings and the programme was obviously on narcotics but really there are people who use multiple drugs and porn too, when it comes down to it you understand the only real thing we all have in common is our addictive and compulsive behaviours, whether it's drugs or porn becomes more insignificant as time goes on because you start to work on yourself with the help of a sponsor who has been through the 12 steps. I would say that AA is strictly for alcoholics but there are groups like SALA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) or just SA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) the whole point of 12 steps is to apply a spiritual approach to the problem of addictive behaviour where you abstain from all mind altering substances, I chose from the offset to see porn as a mind altering 'thing' along with my other substances.

 

That's great. I hope you find it helpful. The book was recommended to me a couple of years ago when I was struggling with alcohol. I'm using it now for my 90-day PMO reboot.

 

I’m in SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). I love SAA, it’s hanged my life totally for the better. I’m in AA too.

 

I’ve discovered that I’ve been a sex addict since age 10, when I discovered boys. I started playing doctor and fooling around with friends in Cub Scouts, classmates and neighborhood buddies. I couldn’t get enough. Something happened inside me that sort-of flipped a switch and I found a secret world of my own where I was in control and no one (parents) could intervene & make me wrong, or take that away.

I had an insatiable need to feel close to someone & FEEL like I was loved - something I wasn’t allowed to feel in real life cuz I wasn’t into girls. But my denial was so very deep. Being gay was not an option, it wasn’t permitted and I couldn’t allow myself to feel emotions or feelings for any boy. I’d been scolded and told I was bad & wrong all my life by a verbally and emotionally abusive father. I found a way to live in this world of my own that was my secret place. From then on, thru school, into an all-boys’ boarding school where I was very sexually active, I lived for sex. Any boy I went after, somehow I always got, it was shocking, really. I had a gift of gab, was blond and pretty, and a jock - somehow I pulled it off. I don’t say this to brag, only to say that I was OBSESSED with a need to be physically close.

In SAA I discovered I can’t stop acting out. I love porn and jacking off, edging for hours and having several orgasms. My dick was my best friend. It lead me around hrs life & I did anything and everything I could possible do to keep it happy. I’ve had days where I was on porn 8-14 hours straight. I’ve stayed up all night til sunrise. I’ve sexted & video Skyped with guys in many countries. I’ve fallen in love & had a love affair that was totally based on fantasy. I’ve been a predator and manipulator, believing my own lies. I tried to stop porn or acting out and could not.

The 12 steps of AA that all the sex addiction 12-step programs use have changed my life and I’m so very grateful. I had to come to a place where I could honestly admit I was completely powerless to stop on my own. This is the 1st part of the 1st Step; the 2nd part is that I concede that my life is completely unmanageable..... cuz as an insane sex addict, my life in every other area besides sex was a mess. My studies suffered, my family and friends relationships suffered. I would sacrifice anything & everything to wank to porn or act out. I skipped classes, missed appointments, flaked out on friends & loved ones so I could act out. I did illegal stuff that could have gotten me arrested and sent to prison. Hookups with strangers could have gotten me robbed, beat up or killed - it happens every day here in Los Angeles. After I turned 18, if I had contact with anyone under 18, I could have been arrested and gone to prison and had my life ruined & become a registered sex offender. You can’t tell someone’s age by their appearance, & people lie.

The 2nd Step of AA/SAA is: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore me to sanity.” This meant admitting I was insane. Well I was! A definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing over & over, thinking this time the result will be different.” If I ever thought “this time” I’ll quit in time, or stop when I want, that never happened. I had to find some power greater than me I could rely on to help me, I use the word God for simplicity although I’m no longer in any religion. Some call it Higher Power, The Force, the Universe, or other things. Many people use different things they know are more powerful than they are, like the ocean.... have you ever tried to stop a wave? You can’t - so the ocean is more powerful than you are.... or some use Nature.....

The 3rd Step is: “Made a decision to turn my will & my life over to the care of God (this Higher Power) as I understand Him/Her. I also add, “.... as I understand Him/Her, praying ONLY for knowledge of His will for me & for the power to carry that out.” (From Step 11). My own will always gets me into trouble. Being powerless over my addiction and over life, I had to give up thinking I can control anything & become willing to let God run my life.

How’s that for an answer? Please keep up a dialogue with me, I’ll do anything to help you.

- Beach

 

If I may ask, what have you been binge-watching?

 

Brilliant! Thanks for the post!

 

This is a beautifully heart-wrenching post, @Fighter84. Much of what you describe echoes through my life as well. I too know that feeling of being trapped, that sense of something in me screaming get out. I have spent many, many sleepless nights silently crying for such release.

The good news is you seem to be moving in the direction of freedom. Whether it seems like this is happening or not, you are here and you are beginning to do the work and you have a couple good, clean days under your belt. Keep going. Use every resource that makes sense. And, if my experience is anything to go by, much of the above with begin to shift and lift.

All the best.

 

Thank you so much for your beautiful reply. Please keep this in your personal journal for reflection. It’s something you want to always remember in terms of where your sex addiction took you and what it’s done to your life. This is the “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” (AA Big Book) we reached that is the force driving us to recovery. I have felt everything you wrote, and my SAA friends have been to this place too. There is hope, always, and this life we’ve known is already moving to the past as we’re both in a little better place today than we were yesterday or weeks/months past.

I’m really moved and am feeling emotional, thank you.

 

I wouldn't answer the phone or open the door when my friend came knocking during my PMO sessions. Eventually people stopped caring about me. I lost all my real friends for fake imaginary pornstars..

 

Having just read through the latest in this thread, I was sitting here considering what @Fighter84 had shared, considering the impacts of this addiction on my life when @Empty Red Cloud 's post appeared.

Curiously, this is exactly what I was thinking about! How the images I saw onscreen - especially the faces, interestingly enough; especially the eyes - became the centre of my relational life. They became my 'friends' and I spent much of each day longing to return to their company. To the sense of acceptance and escape I believed they offered.

It all seems so crazy as I type the words out here, but crazy or not it is true. And while I have come a very long way in recovery, it still is true to some extent. I still miss my 'friends' and this is one of the pulls / seductions I have to be very, very wary of as I deepen my sobriety. It's so easy to slip into believing that one little 'reunion' would do no harm. But as we all know...