Modafinil

On day Sept 19, 2018 I was in modafinil a smart drug used for working, though I'm not in regular work status. A have a part time job of tutoring person who want to learn some basic MS Excel knowledge.

I used this drug modafinil because, of it's market that it will make your job done, and as I take it 100 mg per day it actually work for me, but as the effect of the drug fade away next morning, so is the motivation and momentum is gone, everyday although I have an active lifestyle, twice or thrice a week I go to the gym, the motivation and happiness is not the same as before when I'm younger. My main reason for that I think is that I'm gettin some age, although I'm just 24, I don't it's just there is a feeling like everyday my life is fading away. On that day September 19, 2018, as I take that drug a huge momentum of clarity burst out in me until 6pm,as I finish some of the lessons I'm preparing in MS Excel Office, that maybe the reason why I have all these feeling of lack of focus, concentration, feelings pf depression, mind numbing, or mind fogging is because of PMO. It wa so frustating because that activity is soo undeniable, and it's like the capital of my brain to were I get the main event of my day haha.

I remember when I was a child I was so religious, and condem those act of perversions, and as I grew there are son many temptations and the unspoken norms of society drew me in that activity it was so frustrating in my part because I had been a group leader in our church before and yet I have this activity going on me, and since then I always feel so guilty about yet submissive to it at the same time. I also remember my father (who is a Pastor) saying masterbation is iresisteble and no one is above it, it's in our nature to have orgasm, it's okay, it's natural, nothing's wrong. Maybe those words also give the strongholds to the activity that I fully regret now. Because back in those days I believe them much that all their words are true and tested, so I didn't question, and besides PMO is soo great and awesome, a roller coaster of emotion. Back on the day September 19, 2018 as the burst of full clarity bring by the drug I taked, there is an emergence for me to search the effects of pornography in my brain, and as I search through it was like a cold water to me. That all this time addiction is so hidden that it corrupts most of my life, contributes many factors of bad decisions, feelings, conversations, and worst case scenarios, that is why I can't have the fulfillment of confidence that I have before. Although I have so many acne scars before yet I have more confidence, unlike now although face seems okay yet the confidence is wavering, and to look in the eye on the person whom I'm talking is such a hard time. Realizing all this things makes me cry a lot that night at the end of the day, begging forgiveness to God, (sorry for those agnostic or atheist here this just my thing, so please if you don't like this part just overlook this) knowing there are so many years, days, person and opportunities is wasted because of these perversions, and short term excitement yet it has a toll in life. Since that night I decided to have nofap, It's either have sex to the woman I will marry or nofap forever, I'm aware of temptations. . I'm oj day 14 now and life has been filled with true joy, and it's like the smell of food is a whole new world of delight, I enjoy and feel now the warmth sun unlike before, although this are just trivial things but for me It's been an experience through these 14 days and keep looking forward for more.

God Bless you all may your dreams, endeavours, become reality and true bliss not on PMO, but joy that comes from life itself<3