step-by-step
Fapstronaut
Hi everyone,
my success story is a rather modest one, but it is a veteran's one which has withstood the test of time. There might be others who have been more consequential, more successful than me over the years. But I also often read stories of people who started out NoFap very successful, but relapsed sooner or later like myself. But I still made progress over all the years, never went back to the place where I started, did not escalate either, and in this sense this is definitely a success story!
Right now I am at 45 days of abstinence from both P and M.
I first came to NoFap almost 10 years ago. Back then I had been addicted for a decade, using PMO once or twice daily. Because of that, I was suffering PIED and very slight "incontinence" (dripping after urination), which was a little worrying as I was only approaching my mid-twenties. Regarding my ED, I had only lost my virginity at age 22 and never knew about it before, and even afterwards it took me three more years to mentally connect this to PMO, and realize its psychosomatic nature. There was no public education on this subject back then, and I doubt there is now.
I also kept questioning my sexual orientation every now and then, so you could call me "bi-curious", but I never acted out. To this day I have no simple answers in that area. I don't even know if this questioning was caused by my P addiction, or if my PMO use was a coping mechanism for that insecurity. Or if everyone in this world is really a little bisexual and I am just a little more. But I have found my peace nonetheless, as I will explain below.
In all areas of life other than my sexuality, I had been successful. You could call me a functional type of addict. I successfully studied physics, which is not an easy thing to do, I have always been athletic and I had a solid circle of friends around me. But I've also felt a sort of suffocating emptiness inside. During my teenage years I was suffering depersonalization and derealization experiences (where you feel yourself or the world dissolve into nothingness). Back in school I also had social anxiety with a very physical expression: Because I was intellectually aware of the irrationality of my fears, I emotionally suppressed them, and so my hands were constantly shaking, I kept sweating, felt tired all the time and stuff like that. I guess PMO also was a way to cope with my mental state, but it made things worse in the long run.
Then I had stuck with NoFap for a couple of years and did two 8-month streaks, one in hard mode because I was single, one in easy mode because I was not. This period cured my most obvious symptoms, the PIED and dripping issues I mentioned before. That was a huge relief.
Over all these years, I have also progressed emotionally a lot. I usually feel mentally stable and at home in my body and mind. I have overcome my social anxiety, partially by realizing that some of it was because I was trying to be someone I was not. The older I get (35 now), the more I am living in the present. My career, if you can call it that, has been a bit of a mess, but that is alright: It is partially because I tried stuff and was being adventurous, trying to break free from all-too linear paths. While I could celebrate small successes, they just weren't sustainable career-wise. So I may be kind of failed, but at least I tried! I miss nothing from my childhood, teenage years or even twenties. I wouldn't want to go back. Consider me anti-nostalgic.
But over the course of a weekend relationship that lasted for years, my PMO habit snuck back in. I noticed that PMO still affected my performance in bed. So I made sure to PMO only in the beginning of the week, so I would be recovered on the weekend again. Last year we finally made an actual plan to move together, which made me rejoin NoFap to end this once and for all. To be honest I couldn't at first, and so I left the site again, but now that we finally moved together at the end of march, I came back and have been consistent since. As of now, I am determined to make it to 90 days and beyond. I won't say "forever" because I don't know if I can do that, but I haven't abstained for this long for years, and it is only getting easier as time passes.
I also notice that my performance in bed has become better again. During my PMO habit, I would sometimes need to fantasize about the woman who I gave my virginity to to climax. Now I fully stay with my girlfriend not only physically, but also mentally. I feel she is also being more engaged than before, which could be a reaction to me being more present. The lesson is: Do not underestimate the subtle ways in which PMO affects your relationships, even when the obvious symptoms are gone.
It is so much easier to abstain when someone else is around, and that is alright: Man is a social animal, and being alone most of the time is not his natural state, even less with all the digital surrogates for social interaction around. To be honest, I don't know if I could keep this up if I was living alone again, but the good news is that I don't have to. Are you living alone? Not meaning to discourage you in any way. Remember the epic 8-month hard mode streak I did years ago!
I should add that while my PMO habit had returned during the past years, I made progress in related areas: I had a sweet tooth for most of my life (I guess partially because I did so many sports), and this had turned to occasional binge eating over all the time I lived alone. Regarding this, I went through similar phases as doing NoFap: I abstained by trying low-carb and intermittent fasting. By now I understand that my sugar cravings are mostly an emotional issue, even when they hit. I never go to the grocery because of cravings for junk food anymore. And even when I am thinking that I will get myself a huge bar of chocolate: Standing right in front of it I typically lose interest. Junk food often looks dull to me, just like the empty calories with fancy packaging that it is really. Sometimes I say to myself "This will not give you the salvation you seek!", and then it is fine again.
I have also gained the athleticism from my youth back. At 35 years I am not only strong, but also lean.
And how did I make peace with my bi-curiosity? First and foremost, it has ceased to be a pressing existential issue, because I realized that it really is just a curiosity, or in other words that I am definitely mostly straight, and that is all I need to know. And regarding PMO, I learned how using these questions as an excuse to relapse would only leave me more confused: As much as I would crave men for a second, I would become bored of men-only P in the next second, and crave women again. This cycle would only make things worse.
I also have other thoughts that can turn into triggers. For example, there is a certain woman I liked and still have occasional contact with (through a shared circle of friends), but here applies the same thing: PMO will never satisfy me, it will only distract me, and that won't solve anything. It will only keep me from doing the emotional work.
Identifying your triggers and your typical cognitive and behavorial patterns related to your addiction is a powerful tool in overcoming them. When you crave P, there will usually be a voice in your head rationalizing why you should allow yourself to do it now. That voice is lying, or building upon lies. If you can see through those lies, it will lose its power over time. And when that voice becomes more quiet, you can learn to read between the lines and glimpse behind the veil for a bit. My new-found insight is that PMO and my overactive sexual fantasy is not even something sexual, not an expression of my sex drive, but more a reaction to feeling alienated from the world, a search for connection, but of course a futile search as it will never give me what I am really looking for, a search in the wrong place.
TL;DR: When I first joined NoFap I was very successful regarding abstinence for a couple of years, and I was able to cure my worst psychosomatic symptoms, which is great. But this addiction will affect you and your relationships in subtle ways as well. During our long-term weekend relationship, I honestly could not find the strength inside of me to abstain again. But now that we are living together, I can and I already notice the benefits.
my success story is a rather modest one, but it is a veteran's one which has withstood the test of time. There might be others who have been more consequential, more successful than me over the years. But I also often read stories of people who started out NoFap very successful, but relapsed sooner or later like myself. But I still made progress over all the years, never went back to the place where I started, did not escalate either, and in this sense this is definitely a success story!
Right now I am at 45 days of abstinence from both P and M.
I first came to NoFap almost 10 years ago. Back then I had been addicted for a decade, using PMO once or twice daily. Because of that, I was suffering PIED and very slight "incontinence" (dripping after urination), which was a little worrying as I was only approaching my mid-twenties. Regarding my ED, I had only lost my virginity at age 22 and never knew about it before, and even afterwards it took me three more years to mentally connect this to PMO, and realize its psychosomatic nature. There was no public education on this subject back then, and I doubt there is now.
I also kept questioning my sexual orientation every now and then, so you could call me "bi-curious", but I never acted out. To this day I have no simple answers in that area. I don't even know if this questioning was caused by my P addiction, or if my PMO use was a coping mechanism for that insecurity. Or if everyone in this world is really a little bisexual and I am just a little more. But I have found my peace nonetheless, as I will explain below.
In all areas of life other than my sexuality, I had been successful. You could call me a functional type of addict. I successfully studied physics, which is not an easy thing to do, I have always been athletic and I had a solid circle of friends around me. But I've also felt a sort of suffocating emptiness inside. During my teenage years I was suffering depersonalization and derealization experiences (where you feel yourself or the world dissolve into nothingness). Back in school I also had social anxiety with a very physical expression: Because I was intellectually aware of the irrationality of my fears, I emotionally suppressed them, and so my hands were constantly shaking, I kept sweating, felt tired all the time and stuff like that. I guess PMO also was a way to cope with my mental state, but it made things worse in the long run.
Then I had stuck with NoFap for a couple of years and did two 8-month streaks, one in hard mode because I was single, one in easy mode because I was not. This period cured my most obvious symptoms, the PIED and dripping issues I mentioned before. That was a huge relief.
Over all these years, I have also progressed emotionally a lot. I usually feel mentally stable and at home in my body and mind. I have overcome my social anxiety, partially by realizing that some of it was because I was trying to be someone I was not. The older I get (35 now), the more I am living in the present. My career, if you can call it that, has been a bit of a mess, but that is alright: It is partially because I tried stuff and was being adventurous, trying to break free from all-too linear paths. While I could celebrate small successes, they just weren't sustainable career-wise. So I may be kind of failed, but at least I tried! I miss nothing from my childhood, teenage years or even twenties. I wouldn't want to go back. Consider me anti-nostalgic.
But over the course of a weekend relationship that lasted for years, my PMO habit snuck back in. I noticed that PMO still affected my performance in bed. So I made sure to PMO only in the beginning of the week, so I would be recovered on the weekend again. Last year we finally made an actual plan to move together, which made me rejoin NoFap to end this once and for all. To be honest I couldn't at first, and so I left the site again, but now that we finally moved together at the end of march, I came back and have been consistent since. As of now, I am determined to make it to 90 days and beyond. I won't say "forever" because I don't know if I can do that, but I haven't abstained for this long for years, and it is only getting easier as time passes.
I also notice that my performance in bed has become better again. During my PMO habit, I would sometimes need to fantasize about the woman who I gave my virginity to to climax. Now I fully stay with my girlfriend not only physically, but also mentally. I feel she is also being more engaged than before, which could be a reaction to me being more present. The lesson is: Do not underestimate the subtle ways in which PMO affects your relationships, even when the obvious symptoms are gone.
It is so much easier to abstain when someone else is around, and that is alright: Man is a social animal, and being alone most of the time is not his natural state, even less with all the digital surrogates for social interaction around. To be honest, I don't know if I could keep this up if I was living alone again, but the good news is that I don't have to. Are you living alone? Not meaning to discourage you in any way. Remember the epic 8-month hard mode streak I did years ago!
I should add that while my PMO habit had returned during the past years, I made progress in related areas: I had a sweet tooth for most of my life (I guess partially because I did so many sports), and this had turned to occasional binge eating over all the time I lived alone. Regarding this, I went through similar phases as doing NoFap: I abstained by trying low-carb and intermittent fasting. By now I understand that my sugar cravings are mostly an emotional issue, even when they hit. I never go to the grocery because of cravings for junk food anymore. And even when I am thinking that I will get myself a huge bar of chocolate: Standing right in front of it I typically lose interest. Junk food often looks dull to me, just like the empty calories with fancy packaging that it is really. Sometimes I say to myself "This will not give you the salvation you seek!", and then it is fine again.
I have also gained the athleticism from my youth back. At 35 years I am not only strong, but also lean.
And how did I make peace with my bi-curiosity? First and foremost, it has ceased to be a pressing existential issue, because I realized that it really is just a curiosity, or in other words that I am definitely mostly straight, and that is all I need to know. And regarding PMO, I learned how using these questions as an excuse to relapse would only leave me more confused: As much as I would crave men for a second, I would become bored of men-only P in the next second, and crave women again. This cycle would only make things worse.
I also have other thoughts that can turn into triggers. For example, there is a certain woman I liked and still have occasional contact with (through a shared circle of friends), but here applies the same thing: PMO will never satisfy me, it will only distract me, and that won't solve anything. It will only keep me from doing the emotional work.
Identifying your triggers and your typical cognitive and behavorial patterns related to your addiction is a powerful tool in overcoming them. When you crave P, there will usually be a voice in your head rationalizing why you should allow yourself to do it now. That voice is lying, or building upon lies. If you can see through those lies, it will lose its power over time. And when that voice becomes more quiet, you can learn to read between the lines and glimpse behind the veil for a bit. My new-found insight is that PMO and my overactive sexual fantasy is not even something sexual, not an expression of my sex drive, but more a reaction to feeling alienated from the world, a search for connection, but of course a futile search as it will never give me what I am really looking for, a search in the wrong place.
TL;DR: When I first joined NoFap I was very successful regarding abstinence for a couple of years, and I was able to cure my worst psychosomatic symptoms, which is great. But this addiction will affect you and your relationships in subtle ways as well. During our long-term weekend relationship, I honestly could not find the strength inside of me to abstain again. But now that we are living together, I can and I already notice the benefits.