Moments in time... my journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by GID2020, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    It's Day 43 today. The weekend was with the kids was pretty good overall. I feel like we had a really great talk with them all after dinner about stress. We all talked about what stresses us and what we can do when we are stressed. B4L and I even talked about how as grownups we have a lot of stress so sometimes we don't always handle all the kids they way that we want to (ie. yelling when we shouldn't) Honestly though I know that both my husband and I are pretty patient with all of the kids and 4 of them are teenagers so that is saying something! Lol.

    As far as me and B4L, it was an interesting weekend. The kids keep us very busy but we did have some time to fool around as the younger ones were all at friends and the older ones were in sports and other activities. Unfortunately we got interrupted and didn't really finish. I did feel bad... but now I'm thinking that that's okay..I think before all of this I would have felt like I failed at something but I don't now. In my mind I think I sometimes feel that we both have to get to the O, and that's just not always possible or true. I started my period too and I'm sure that was a time when B4L would use porn more so that was in the back of my mind... but it is nice to believe him now if I ask how he is doing without PMO. Not to borrow a catchphrase from my favorite tv show as a teenager but "I want to believe", and I think that is a really big step, because I think I was becoming apathetic about believing him about anything. I just didn't really care. We've been off track but we've never completely lost "US" and I'm very grateful for that. :)

    I'm happy that this week will be busy and hopefully fun. And I'm really looking forward to our weekend without kids and doing even more connecting. :)
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  2. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    The children gave me their cold, so I'm being just a little lazy today. Lol. I will go do some yoga after I write in here. I've been enjoying talking to people on here and reading others stories. So many sad stories and my heart hurts for everyone PA and SO going through this. All of it made me remember the day that @Browns4life was crying and telling me that "IT" was in the back of his head and I just felt so horrible for him. IT is what we call the addiction, and if you've ever read the book or seen the movie "IT" you will understand why I see and evil clown when I picture what is in the back of his head. :( I hate so much that I didn't see IT for what it was. I know that B4L is responsible for his own actions but I also can understand the nature of addicition better now and that in some ways "IT" wouldn't let him go.

    I don't want to live in the past. I know that the hurt that "IT" caused us both is still there but I really want to chose to move forward. I shared part of one of my favorite songs from the musical RENT and I want to share it here too.

    The heart may freeze or it can burn
    The pain will ease if I can learn
    There is no future, there is no past
    I live this moment as my last

    There's only us, there's only this
    Forget regret or life is yours to miss
    No other road, no other way
    No day but today

    There's only yes
    Only tonight we must let go
    To know what's right
    No other course, no other way
    No day but today

    I can't control my destiny
    I trust my soul
    My only goal is just to be
    There's only now
    There's only here
    Give in to love or live in fear
    No other path, no other way
    No day but today
    This is the woman's part in a duet and it always makes me cry when I sing it. I don't really know if I knew why before but I do now. Especially "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss". I think B4L and I can relate. I don't want to regret anything with you @Browns4life . I know you don't either. I love you. I'm getting all emotional and crying over my own journal just about thinking about all of this. Lol. I know you understand.. I was thinking about her first line.."The heart may freeze, or it can burn" I think it means that you can turn away (freeze) from love or let it fill you with passion (burn). I think that makes sense, especially now where it must feel that I do that to you sometimes. I don't mean to. I'm learning about the "new" us. We were already pretty awesome so I can't wait for the 2.0 version. :)

    Alright, I'm done crying (tears of joy and I love, I promise) all over the computer. I need to get a move on... Besides, there's no day but today. :)
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  3. Hello @GID2020. I follow Mr. Tumnus' journal and have been intrigued by your thoughts. I generally agree with you. This quote jumped out at me:
    I also have a son who turns 8 tomorrow. I'm curious as to your thoughts about when it would be appropriate to broach the subject with regard to pornography. My wife and I have a more guarded mindset with regards to technology. I also have an 11 year old daughter, and both of my kids have their amazon fires, but we refuse to give them smart phones at such an early age (there are kindergartners that have smart phones which blows my mind). I'm not assuming you are as strict or that your young children don't have phones, but my assumption is if they do that would necessitate talking to them earlier since the chances of them becoming exposed to porn are greater. We've already had the birds/bees conversation with our daughter, more critical especially with her due to puberty rapidly approaching, but I'm still unsure about my son.

    I know it's far more important for him than it is my daughter (not that girls don't watch porn, so that will be a topic I discuss with her at some point, but the tendency for boys to get hooked on it are far greater), but I'm just unsure of when to approach the subject, how to approach it, how much do I reveal my own struggles with it, etc.

    I don't expect you to answer those questions directly, but I'm just curious as to your general mindset about it. Feel free to challenge any assumptions I've made that you don't agree with. Thanks.
  4. I love you too, without you, your support, your guidance I wouldn't be doing this. I know I am doing this for me too, but you give me strength and help me see who I really am inside. I am the luckiest man on the planet!
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  5. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    @daemonswithin , thanks so much for writing me here! I didn't want to continue to hijack mrtumnus's journal anymore. Lol.

    First, happy early birthday to your little guy! 8 is such a great age! :) I have so much fun with our 8 year old. I think the 5 to 12 age range is the most fun with little boys. I have 5 boys so I feel confident in that opinion. Lol.

    As to your questions, I would say that we seem to be on the same page when it comes to our opinions on technology and children. No way is our 8 year old getting a smart phone!! Our general age for letting the kids get a phone is 12 because that is the age they are when they get to middle school, which is 6th grade here. Our thinking on this was that in middle school they will be getting into more after school activities and will need a way to get a hold of us. Also, they should be able to talk to friends without using us as the middle man, because with very social children that can be kinda irritating for us. Lol. At school their phones are in their lockers, (thankfully that is the school's rule but it is ours too) and they can use them at the end of the day, if needed, to text friends or call us, since they may be staying after for a club or going to a basketball or football game that is happening. I think in middle school (the 12-14 age range) it's an okay time for kids to start having more autonomy.

    When my husband I went to get the boys their phones, we were talking to the salesman at Verizon about getting flip phones for them because that is what we had always gotten for our kids, but the salesman told us that they had smart phones that had full parental controls options for them. That was exactly what we were looking for but didn't know actually existed. Lol. It's called Verizon smart family. Basically we can see everything they are doing, they can't go on anything without us knowing about it, it blocks whatever we say we want blocked, we know the password to open their phones and they aren't allowed on social media. I'm sure they think it's harsh but we don't care. I'm not here to be friends with my kids. Lol.

    As far as the subject of pornography goes, we've had discussions with the teenagers about that topic. Unfortunately for my husband and I we have two very stupid ex's who do think it's okay for children to have devices without any parental controls so we have to be diligent with everything! Maybe it's good because it keeps us on our toes more! Lol. All of the kids have had the birds and bees talk, except the 8 year old but I suspect that is coming. I do actually check in with all of them as they mature. I ask them if they have questions about sex and more specifically about who they might like and how they can approach talking to them, because I know that just talking to the opposite sex can be terrifying as a teenager. It's all age appropriate, obviously. I don't ask the questions the same way to the 13 year olds that I would the 15 year old. Nor do I discuss the same topics because they are all different people so I try to cater those conversations to their specific personalities.

    I can tell you that we had a specific conversation with our then 12 year old last winter because at school he had searched for "naked women hot and sexy" and "hot and sexy naked women" "boobs", and "porn" on his school Chromebook (everyone at school gets a Chromebook in our school district). Apparently a boy in school told our son how to get around the school's system to search for things like that. My husband got the phone call about this from the school and I remember him calling me from work to discuss what we should do. Our son knew that the school had called us, so he thought he was in BIG trouble, but that's not how we approached it. My husband knows what it is like to have a parent basically tell you that you're bad for looking at nakedness, so our goal was to let our son know that we completely understood that he is maturing and that seeing nakedness is a pretty natural urge to have at the age of 12. We wanted to stress this point to him very clearly because I never believe that shaming a child (or anyone) is the right way to handle a situation like that. He knew that it was the wrong thing to do anyway, because he felt sick that day and came home early from school. We talked about how, even though its a natural thing to be curious, that looking for things like that is not very healthy for him physically or mentally. Mostly because what he could find wouldn't be real sex and also because there is so much that you could find online that is very degrading to women. We want him to be a gentleman, but we also aren't stupid and know both know what's like to be hormonal teenagers! Lol. We also stressed how looking for something like that on a school computer was not appropriate at all and how he could have gotten him into much more trouble than he did. In any event, I think it was a great talk and we still check in with him from time to time about how he felt about seeing "hot and naked women" and how we want him to understand that he is NOT bad for wanting to see it. We just don't want him to make false associations in his mind about what sex is or isn't or about how most women online are not going to look like real women! We told him, and all of our kids that we have talked to about sex, that sex is something that is supposed to be about an act of love between two people. I think, and we told our son this, that we were just sad, more than anything that he saw something that we don't think he was old enough to really understand. That's not what we wanted for him to be his first "sexual awakening" if you will, but I think we did a great job handling it, as my husband I do with most things! :)

    I don't know if you've read any of my husbands (@Browns4life ) journal but I think if you want a classic example of how not to talk to your kids about porn, that would be it. His mother, I'm sure did her best but I think she handled it very poorly and the consequences of that have lead him and I both here. I don't want that for my kids. I will never shame them for wanting to see "hot naked women" but I do want to make sure they understand the difference between girls on line and girls in real life. Obviously one is real and one is very fake. Which is another reason to not them on social media because that is the place where people go to be fake! Lol.

    All that being said, you and your wife are the best people to decide what you think is right for your children and family. I appreciate you asking me for my opinion, because I'm sure you can tell, I'm not super shy about sharing it! Lol.

    I think I answered most of what you asked but if I need to clarify anything, let me know! The kids are home now so I must go! :)
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2019
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  6. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I know how lucky I am too! I'm so happy you are doing this for you and us.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Your husbands story is a lot l
    your husbands story is a lot like my husbands.... his mom, a devout catholic, shamed him and made him burn the magazines. Like what the heck? I can’t even understand the reasoning behind that.
    GID2020 likes this.
  8. @GID2020 thank you so much for your response! I have some thoughts and comments to further the conversation (if you don't mind), but I got distracted with other issues and today's going to be busy, so it may be a bit before I get around to it, but I did want to express my appreciation.
    GID2020 likes this.
  9. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I realize @daemonswithin that I didn't really fully answer your question, not directly. Even after all of what I wrote! Lol. I can't always see the forest for the trees sometimes!

    Anyway, I think because you found what I wrote on mrtumnus's thread to be interesting, I feel like maybe you might have agreed with me that telling a 6 year old about a porn addiction is not appropriate? But I don't know if that is the case and I won't make you confirm that. Lol. If you're asking when I think is an age appropriate time to discuss the topic of pornography with your son I would say probably 12 or 13 depending on how mature you think he is as far as his puberty is going. You may have to before that though if something happens and he finds it through a friend or what have you. I think the importance of that talk will be in explaining how you completely understand how he would find nakedness and sex exciting and interesting to him and you never want him to ever feel bad about thinking those are good things. However, you also don't want him to get a false impression of what sex is and that you don't ever want him to mistreat a woman, because as a man, your job is to be protective of the women in your life. You could also say that watching porn would change the way he viewed sex and women and you don't want that for him. I also think before you have the porn talk, the sex talk obviously should happen before that. I remember explaining what sex was, just the biological part to our then 11 year olds and they were curious and asked great questions. I think the key is just making sure that your child never comes away from a conversation about sex with the impression that it is a bad thing!

    Now if you wanted to share your own experiences with him about your struggles that is totally up to you and your wife. So, lets say that from this day forward from now until your son is 13 you never did PMO again, you would be able to discuss (if you wanted) your journey of recovery from what you think of as something that you hurt you and your wife. (I've not read any of you journal so I don't know your experience, so I'm just guessing here.) Only you and your wife can determine if it's the right thing for your family. My point to mrtumnus and with talking to psalm27 about it was that telling your kids at that age, when they clearly don't get what sex even is yet, is not something that I would ever do. I've seen what it does to kids to tell them things that you don't understand and the resentment that can build for them against one parent. It's not pretty and does NOTHING to heal anyone.

    I hope that was a bit better of an answer for you. I wish you all the best and always feel free to challenge anything you see me write! :)
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  10. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Of course! Hope your son has an awesome birthday!! :)
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  11. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Yes, it's very sad. I know my husband's mom did her best but it was the wrong way to approach it obviously. I'm happy that my husband recently got to tell her a bit about how that affected him. I think that helped him a lot. :)
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2019
  12. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Day 45. I think. Lol

    I'm just going by the counter that B4L has. I think it changes at 8pm. Doesn't matter that much to me. Lol

    Last night I thought we had a good talk about how things are going. It's not always easy for us to talk during the week but I'm always happy when we manage to squeeze it in. We talked about some travel that B4L is going to have in January. It makes me feel anxious to think about it but I also am not going to sit around and worry about it all the time either. I really just have to take every day as it comes. I need B4L to just be honest about everything, and I know he has been. I'm endlessly fascinated by some of the threads on here about guys saying "Can't tell my wife about this PMO thing". Dude, really? The lying is way worse! If men really think it helps to lie to us instead of just admitting they are human and have a problem...sigh. lol. It obviously doesn't help to lie to the person that you are supposed to share your life with. But I guess everyone has to find all of that out for themselves.

    My cold is a little bit worse today. Guess my plan to Clorox wipe everything down didn't work as well as I hoped. Lol. I feel okay just tired and my voice is in and out. Fortunately it's not our day to have any of the younger kids so I get a little bit of a break tonight! I'm thinking about just going and cuddling up with my puppy, but know that I should go be a grownup instead. Ugh. Lol

    I did want to note on nofap how I noticed that a lot of people really take the opportunity to change a lot of their other bad habits besides just porn watching and I think that is so great! For myself I gave up sugar completely last January and do a pretty hardcore keto diet and it's really paying off! :) I know that I was addicted to sugar and it was pretty tough to give up! Losing weight and wearing size small clothes is a good motivator to keep going! I hope that B4L feels the same way about the benefits of no PMO. I think we can both see them in different parts of our relationship! ;)

    Well, I better go do grownup stuff. Lol. Hope to write later if I have time! :)
  13. This is good to know, but I doubt we'll be open to getting our daughter a phone next year. I'll see how my wife feels and whether or not my daughter becomes more active with here school. Our ISD is weird in that she's currently in an Intermediate school (5-6) and next year goes to a middle school (7-8), so the new school may have additional challenges. The problem is my daughter is overly sensitive, and the stress of social media and the potential bullying that comes with it is something I have zero interest in exposing her to until absolutely necessary, but I know we can't shelter her forever.
    This is tremendous and awesome. The more shame is associated with sex, the greater the chances of sexual dysfunction including addiction to enter the picture. It doesn't matter what a family's beliefs are (we're conservative Christians who believe in abstinence until marriage), it's entirely possible to have open conversations about sex and desire and developing an understanding with our kids that the sexual relationship has its rightful place. We've been open with our daughter about it, but we should probably continue to check in with her as you do just to see if she has any questions or has been exposed to things we aren't aware of at school.

    Related to the rest of what you wrote, your husband's story is eerily similar to mine in some ways. My parents never had the sex talk with me, and my first real experience with porn was a magazine I found hidden underneath the laundry room freezer. I immediately took it to my mom, and I watched her throw it away outside, only for me to sneak out and retrieve it. It became an obsession. I did everything I could to get my hands on porn, but it was a source of shame for me because I knew it was something wrong, but I didn't understand the trap I was falling into. I wonder if my parents were more open with me if things would have been different, but what's the use of speculating.

    I do think my son is still too young to understand. Doesn't help that he's short for his age so he looks younger than he is. I don't think I will have to reveal in detail my personal struggles, but I will let him know I have experience with what I'm talking about and hopefully give him an open door to come to me with any questions he may have.

    I do agree that 6 is way too young to have a discussion about porn addiction or marital issues, but I wasn't there for the conversation so I can't really judge it. I can just go with my own experience and judgments with regards to my children.

    I know I didn't start having issues with masturbation, fantasy, or sex until middle school. I think I may have been in the 6th grade if I were to guess, but it may have even been later than that in the 7th grade. My son is in 2nd grade, so I know there's still time. I appreciate the way you frame some of the issues. In many ways I would frame it as to how it can be personally destructive and wreak havoc on relationships, but it's absolutely critical to instill proper attitudes with regards to women and treating them with respect. Porn has the gift of creating a lens that views every woman as a sex object. It's tortuous, disrespectful, and cruel, and eliminating that lens take diligence and effort. Better to not even have that lens in the first place.

    I respect the support you're providing to your husband, and @Browns4life I think you're doing excellent work in addressing this issue. Porn is a relationship destroyer. It sucks you in and escalates the longer you use it. I saw the escalation in your story. The antidote is focusing on connection and intimacy with your wife. This community has been essential for me in my recovery, and I hope the both of you find continued success in this battle. I'm here to help in any way I can.
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  14. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I think that is so great that you and your wife really understand what your kids needs are. Middle school is the absolute worst for bullying and girls are especially harsh. Being a kid today is pretty tough and I don't envy them even for all the technology in the world!

    I love that you are able to have those conversations with your daughter. I'm sure that you will do the same for your son as he matures. There should not be anything shameful about sex in my opinion. Not when it's done properly! Lol.

    I'm so sorry to hear that you had a similar story to my husbands. It seems to me that it is a story on here that is told a lot. After all our parents are really our first role models in what relationships look like so I guess it makes sense that they mess us all up. Lol. :p

    My parents were much more open in discussing those kinds of things with me so I know that helped me as I was not afraid of sex when it came to actually doing it. I believe that my husband has noted that that was huge for him when he and I got together so I'm really glad for that and also that I was able to get him to see that sex could be a really good thing! I don't mean to say that my parents were so much better than my husbands because in some ways I feel like they weren't at all, but they definitely always made sure I could have an open dialogue with them about sex and for that I am very grateful!

    That is just perfect! So glad to see you write that! :)

    I respect that you don't want to be judgmental but (to add a little bit of levity) you're not a woman so I would expect you to be less so than me. Lol. I should have tried harder not to be, I can see that, however the absurdity of it was too much for me. And I know that most women think that it's men that judge us the most harshly but the truth is that women are (generally speaking) much harder on each other and themselves. I have no qualms about being so honest about my gender because I usually don't get along with women that well. Truth be told that I am much more comfortable talking to men.. a fact that I'm sure any therapist would love to discuss with me in depth. Lol. Anyway, I need to try to be less judgmental for sure and I appreciate the very tactful way you and others wrote to mrtumnus. Sometimes I just like to talk about the elephant in the room. I'm a little bit of a brat in that respect. :p

    Totally agree with all of that! It sounds like to me that you will be very prepared to have all of the different kinds of talks that you want to have with your son about these topics! :)

    That's so kind of you. It's so nice to know that other people are willing to help you with the same struggles they are having. I've found a lot of good people on here already. I definitely have really rough days sometimes.. It's all fairly new for us, as far as us both acknowledging that my husband was struggling with this addiction. 46 days in, I think. Sometimes I wish I could be better at understanding it. I don't feel like I always help him as much as I want to. I love him SO much and that's what I hold on to when things aren't going so great. I just know that everyday we are together is much better than any other day I've ever had in my life without him, so I'll take every moment as it comes and just do my best. We always tell are kids that everyday they should get up and try to be better than they were the day before. I need to take my own advice sometimes. :)
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  15. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    50 days today!

    Kind of a crazy 50 days! But really rewarding and good overall I think. I was telling B4L that I prefer going through all of the things that we need to go through together,because of the addiction, to the way things were before. I realize that he might not feel like it's better right now but having him be in a fog before was no way to be in a real relationship. He's always liked the John Mayer song "Shadow Days" His favorite part is:

    "Well it sucks to be honest
    And it hurts to be real
    But it's nice to make some love that I can finally feel."
    I think we may use song lyrics and movie lines the way some people use bible verses. Lol. I think our separate upbringings have led to that. His parents being too religious and mine being too.. well, not super religious. My step dad was an intellectual but definitely believed in God, just not in the church... Anyway, B4L should actually go listen to the whole song again because it sounds A LOT like him. :) He is "a good man, with a good heart." Good people can do crappy things, even to, or maybe especially to, people they love. I'm not perfect either, although I wish I were.

    This weekend was really nice. :) I know that B4L thinks it a roller coaster but I think I just call this life. Lol. When you numb yourself to feeling things for a long time then I guess the ups and downs can feel much worse, but I think it's much better to feel these things, even if it's hard. You can't really feel real happiness if you don't ever experience sadness.

    Well, I have a lot to do to get ready for Thanksgiving so I should go do some of that while crazy puppy is sleeping. Hope to write this week if I need to and if I have time! :)
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  16. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I didn't really get a chance to write much over the holiday week. Our crazy puppy decided to eat some ibuprofen last Tuesday, which led to a long stay in a pet hospital for her and an anxious holiday for the rest of us. I really thought she wasn't going to get better and she still isn't technically out of the woods but all of her kidney levels are finally in normal range and she is acting like her crazy puppy self at home so I will take those all as good signs. Holidays are tough enough without having to deal with the fact that I almost killed our beloved family pet. I know it's not my fault but she did knock the bottle off of my nightstand and I didn't see that she had gotten into them... I should have put them away but I can't go back and change the fact that I didn't. Just glad that she appears to be on the mend.

    I guess besides the fact that our crazy puppy almost died, Thanksgiving went pretty well. I made up a fun game for everyone to play after we ate. I had them all give me 5 things they were thankful for and I read them out loud randomly, and then everyone had to write down who they thought said each one. The winner got the biggest piece of cheesecake. Lol. I thought it was pretty fun because we were all laughing at their answers. Our one son said he was thankful for his hair. Lol. I told them to do silly ones too to throw people off of who said it. It was cute and nice to be laughing to everyone's reactions to what everyone said they were thankful for. :) It was fun! :)

    We went in on Friday to see B4L's family and that actually went alright. I really didn't feel like going but I'm glad that we did. The kids had fun and his family was fine. It's hit or miss sometimes with them. Lol. I think they all have a lot of issues that they haven't dealt with and I think that they put a lot on B4L in regards to who they think he is.. and therefore I don't think they know what to make of him and I. Lol. Because they seem uncomfortable with displays of affection... but I don't understand why though because both of B4L's parents were affectionate with him. Maybe it has something to do with them being so much older than he and I. I'm not sure. Anyway, the less time spent worried about what they think will be what is best for me.

    I want to try to embrace the holidays this year. I'm hoping that I can make it through without too much stress. Wishful thinking I am sure but it's always worth trying! Lol. It's going to be a tad more stressful with the 3k bill we just got for our dog being in the hospital but all the kids were great about that when we told them that Christams will be paired down and I do think they meant it, so that was nice. Despite the fact that we aren't always together, we are a pretty close family. I love that B4L and I did that and I think we need to be proud of it and not forget that that was hard work, but so worth it! Our boys love each other and play like they are brothers. Our 13 year old is on a rec league through the school system the kids go through and when I picked him up from practice he said " No one knew who I was really until I told them I was (our 15 year old son's name ) brother" He didn't say step brother because they just don't see it that way and as a step kid, basically my whole life, that makes me incredibly happy! :) :)

    As for me and B4L, I think that things are going as well as we could expect. I still feel like I have moments of anger that bubble up that aren't necessary for the situation and I know that has everything to do with the PA stuff. But overall since we do talk A LOT, we are getting things out. It's nice to have nofap too because I can read his thoughts on here and that helps me to see where he is at too. And also it helps to see other people have similar experiences and writing about what they do for certain situations. Although, I need to be careful with that because it can become easy to try to compare your journey with someone else's and that is never a good idea, in my opinion.

    Yesterday B4L mentioned that he needed to do some research and that he was going to hop on Facebook to look up a few people's profiles. It's for work so I really didn't think anything of it. He uninstalled Facebook on his phone a couple of weeks ago because he didn't want any triggers and he felt like if he had access to social media at his fingertips, that he might try to go look for "Sexy" pictures. Yesterday he said that he "definitely thought about looking at stuff". You know, I totally get that and really appreciate his honesty, but I can honestly say that that sucks to hear. :( It does bring up feelings that I have of not being "enough", which is my thing to work through. I get that it's not about me at all (it's the PA) but it doesn't always feel that way. I do understand and appreciate him for telling me about urges though. I would much prefer that to the alternative!

    Well, I have a lot to do and crazy puppy will need another walk soon. I'm going to try to really sit down and write out some of my feelings about this whole recovery process for myself, very soon. I need to try to organize my thoughts because they can still be all jumbled up in my head. NO thoughts of not going through this journey together with B4L...nothing like that. Just thoughts about who I am and how I feel about the beautiful mess that is my life sometimes. Lol. The fact that I can see that it is beautiful, even if somewhat of a mess, shows me that it's going to be okay. It might even be way better than okay. In fact, I think if we let it, than our lives could be extraordinary. :) The only thing standing in our way of that is us.
    Browns4life likes this.
  17. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Yes, you have to be careful not to compare! All addicts have similarities but all addicts are different and every relationship is different! What kind of puppy! I hope it gets better soon. I have a Belgian Tervuren who eats everything! Had a close call with chocolate chips :(
  18. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Totally agree @Psalm27:1my light! I think it is human nature to compare but it's not helpful for us to do so!

    Sent you a picture of the crazy puppy! :) Sorry that you had a close call with yours too! They really become members of the family and I was devastated at the thought if losing her. She is just a year old. She's a border collie/Norwegian elk-hound mix and she is very hyper. Lol. She's lots of fun and the kids adore her and she adores them! :)
  19. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Just trying to do stream of consciousness writing so not sure if this post will make much sense..that's okay though. It doesn't need to be perfect.

    I don't know how to carve out more time to write in this journal. I think part of me thinks that I don't really need to write because I have it way better than the majority of people on here but that is my hubris again. And also I'm reading through a lot of PA's journals on here and thanking God that B4L never had an affair, or went to an escort or liked cam girls, etc...Jesus. And I don't say that in a blasphemous way. I often say Jesus when I'm upset because I know He is someone I can talk to. I'm not "religious" the sense that not only do we no longer go to church..but I also don't call myself religious because of the negative connotation that that conjures up in my mind. But I digress...

    Despite this time of year being more stressful for me in general,I think that B4L and I are talking a lot and having great conversations, and that helps my stress a bit. I feel like he is trying to understand me. Unfortunately, I don't always feel heard. Most of that has to do with not having enough time in the day, not taking time for myself and putting a lot on myself because of the holidays. But like last night we were talking and he said he didn't want to make the conversation about him and he asked about me but somehow we still ended up talking about him... Which is fine with me, I don't have a problem discussing what he is thinking and feeling. Part of me thinks though that maybe he doesn't want to hear what I'm thinking and feeling because he doesn't want to feel bad?? I mean, who WANTS to feel bad? I suppose some people do but they are just weird then. Lol. Anyway, so we finally got around to discussing my thoughts about 10:55pm. And by then I just feel like I have to hurry through them. It's difficult to tell someone that you love SO much that you feel hurt because of things that they did. I truly believe that like B4L has said several times to me "I didn't go use PMO as a reason to not be with you, and I NEVER thought to myself 'I'm going to do this to piss GID off'". I mean I get that. I think if I could say what is the most hurtful part of this is that he didn't come to me to tell me that it was a real problem for him. Therefore I was convinced (because of his rationalizations to me) that it wasn't..even though I knew it was. And THAT can make you feel like you are crazy. I did tell him that last night. It did make me feel crazy.. when he would admit it was a problem (after D-day's) and then a few weeks later after I would ask him how it was going "Oh, I'm fine, I can do it. It's not a problem." That does make you think that you're going a little crazy!! I understand that I'm his "game changer", I understand his very emotionally abusive ex and their terrible 15 year relationship. I understand his growing up with a strict Catholic mom..I get it all. I get that this "habit", or addiction, whatever you want to call it, was in place way before he met me.. I just don't feel like much of a game changer if I clearly couldn't get him to stop doing something that was hurting him and hurting us...

    I do read PA journals on here..titles like "Back after 3 years", "Another Attempt" "Journaling my attempts" "For my wife, kids, and self I'm quitting PM forever." The first guy has 2 days. Second guy has 3 days. Third guy has 10 days and the last guy has 1 day. They have been here for years!!! I know, I know, I know that I CANNOT compare their journeys to my husbands or ours but the fact that B4L has 65 days clean now, do I do some kind of victory dance now? .. I mean that's what I should be focused on.., his sobriety and MY recovery. But it's hard. He talks about not having time for anything but he said that he wanted to go talk to someone, a counselor..but when will he have time? Will that happen? Does he really need to do that? what will they say? I don't like unknowns.. Sort of a control freak in that sense, even though B4L thinks I'm not.

    I told him that I think (and I realize this is going to sound super selfish and narcissistic) that I hate the thought of him telling anyone about this addiction because of how I think it makes me look. Like, "Oh, I guess GID didn't give it up very often, huh?" Or "maybe she is starting to look older or fat.." It's ridiculous, I know because first of all I enjoy sex very much and we've never had a situation where months go by were we aren't intimate.( I would say that it's rarely ever even been a week!) And second of all I am adorable. Lol. :) So, I know that is not what anyone will say, and I also shouldn't give a crap what anyone else thinks....but on the other side of it I hate the thought of anyone thinking badly of B4L too. He IS a wonderful man, even if he doesn't always think he is. At some point we all need to decide between being the person that we are right now or being the person that we know we can be. Am I the girl that sits in front if her computer screen crying to a bunch of strangers because her husband has a problem that isn't actually related to ANYTHING she has done? I sure hope I'm freaking not. Lol. I'm the girl who is going to go get some things done for her family and stop wallowing in the past that I can't change. The serenity prayer helps me a lot. I need to accept that I can't change his past or mine and have courage to change our present/future and start having wisdom in understanding the difference!

    So, I did start off feeling sad but I do feel a bit better now. Just writing it out relieves some of the pressure. One day at a time is a phrase I heard a lot as a kid. My (Step) dad was in AA and I went to the meetings when I was little. I would just color and stuff like that but I remember some of the stories people would tell about their addiction to alcohol. It was all very sad...but I remember thinking that they were pretty selfish to do that to their families. I didn't understand what was SO difficult about not drinking. I understand now that it just wasn't my addiction. Everyone's addicted to something... For example I think most people are addicted to outrage..that's why I'm glad to have gotten rid of social media. it was like 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 all rolled into one. If you've read those books you will know what I mean.

    Anyway, I think I can finally start my 11am. Lol. I love you @Browns4life . I really do. I want to be better for you and the kids. I don't want you to think that all of this is on you. We are in it together. :)

    PS: Happy note today that our little crazy puppy had her blood work done and her values are perfect. So, yay! I didn't kill our beloved family pet. Something to definitely be thankful for. :)
  20. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    The holidays kick my ass. lol. Also, helping our 15 year old study for midterms is no picnic either but since he is finally taking an interest in studying I want to encourage that as much as possible. He made the basketball team and has to keep up a certain GPA. He is SO smart but incredibly lazy with school. Just glad that B4L is actually great at math because I suck. Lol. Anyway, so I'm trying to fit in holiday stuff with the kids all of the while balancing trying to finish Christmas shopping, taking care of our sick 13 year old, taking care of the house and the crazy puppy. It's a lot but it's pretty typical around here. Lol.

    I think that things are mostly going okay with B4L. We did get into it yesterday a little bit. With his new job he works with a lot of younger people (millennials) who don't have families so some of the things they want to do sometimes don't really jive with our schedule. For example, there was a bigwig coming in to give a talk or something like that, with a meet and greet and it was from 6-9 at night last night. Well, I have a sick kid, another who has basketball practice from 8-9 and another who needs help studying for mid terms, plus an 8 year old who thinks he is 13..So that wasn't going to work. I admit to not telling B4L how I felt about that in the nicest way possible. Lol. But I will also say that being "nice" usually ends with me feeling incredibly resentful and unhappy. I need to find that balance between asking for what I think I need and not being a bitch about it. That can be tricky. I don't think I'm bad at being assertive. Just need to find where the line between assertive/bitchy is. Lol

    Last night when we were talking a little bit before bed B4L mentioned the movie that we watched the other night. It's called Love Actually. It's a total chick movie but I love it and he said he thought it was pretty good. Anyway, right before bed he mentioned that one part was kind of arousing. Two of the characters are playing stand ins for actors and they are doing a sex scene. They first start with their clothes on but eventually both end up naked and pretending to have sex, all of the while just talking about normal things. I remembered the scene but didn't really think anything of it. B4L said that the part where the woman takes off her shirt was probably the most arousing.. i don't know why but that hurt my feelings... That sounds and looks really dumb as I write it but it did. I was thinking "seriously?" It's played for laughs because these two characters are just talking about random things, like their drive into work that day, all of the while doing the stand in stuff that the actors in the movie they are in would be doing. I also feel that sometimes these things are told to me as a throw away comment and usually right before bed or when I'm tired so that it's like "well, I told her that and if she had a response she would have given me one so it must be okay." I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. I don't even know if that is true but it feels that way. Anyway, it's a stupid thing to be hurt over...I don't know if hurt is the right word..surprised in not a nice way is a better way to put it. I don't know.. I wanted to write about it because we get so little time to talk and really won't this week that if I write about it, I think I will feel better.. I think. lol

    Anyway, I have to run, of course. Hopefully I will actually be able to sit down and write out some thoughts that I have on everything else that is going on in our lives.

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