Moments in time... my journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by GID2020, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It was very distressing because it showed the progression from porn to escorts. I think for me, ( might not distress someone else) it was the wife and her unfailing love, her struggle to maintain the marriage for almost 30 years when she really trusted God and thought God would heal her husband. She not only had so much faith and it grew, but even after she left her faith continued. I was just so sad for her. The other two books are great though! I think you can get intimate deception for free on audio. I liked the hard copy though because I am visual and answering the questions works better if I read it rather than hear it.
     
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  2. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Today I decided to make time for myself. I took an hour to do yoga and meditation and it REALLY helped me focus the rest of the day. I need to do it every day or at the very least do something for myself every day. I find myself not being upset easily if I've done something for me on that day.

    I told @Browns4life that I've been thinking about going back to work. Our youngest is turning 9 very soon and the older kids are 13, 13, 15 and 17 so they are capable of watching him if need be. I'm thinking about becoming a yoga instructor. I haven't really gotten that far into researching it yet..just mulling the idea over. I used to be a cake decorator/baker but since I dont eat sugar or bread I dont really want to go back to that. Lol. Anyway it was just a thought. B4L was really excited about it though and told me he was proud of me. I'm not sure why since I haven't done anything yet but I think I understand. It was pretty cute how excited he was and I told him that I know it's because he just wants to say "This is my wife, GID, she's a yoga instructor " Lol. I like that I can tease him about those kinds of things.:)

    Must get going now but I want to incorporate writing in my journal as part of my "me" time so hopefully I will be back tomorrow when everyone is at work or school! :)
     
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  3. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    Never feel guilty about having some time to yourself to focus on whatever you want to do. All part of a healthy lifestyle and relationship, let alone recovery.

    Have a great day!
     
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  4. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I don't think I feel guilty about having time to myself. I didn't feel that way yesterday, at least, so that is good! I guess I was trying to say that it would be good for everyone if I do take that time for myself everyday. Anyway, I have no intention of feeling guilty about taking care of myself. I think that was the old me. Lol

    This morning B4L and I were talking about nofap a bit and I was telling him about some of the journals I've been reading. I try to focus only on the PA's in the over 40's crowd that are in a relationship and that have been in recovery for awhile. It's a short list, unfortunately. I do refuse to believe that this is something that can't be fixed though. I look over my 10 year relationship with my husband and we've gotten through quite a bit together. What is one more thing? lol. That's sort of sarcastic but mostly sincere. He has hurt me and I do have days that are bad where I'm feeling angry or upset but despite that, I am choosing our life together, not because I'm weak or because he has coerced me into this life. But because I honestly love him and I know he loves me. I do feel that I have made it clear that recovery is the only road I want to go down. Meaning that I need to recover and so does he and while we are fixing ourselves as individuals we can also come together at the end of each day to work on US. My goal, since I first ever laid eyes on him, is to be with him. I still have the same goal. I just also know that I have things that I am working on for myself that are important to me. There is no US if we both can't get our crap together. Lol. I know that we are waking up everyday and doing the best that we can and I'm proud of us both for that.

    Anyway, when we were talking this morning about the stories on here, B4L got emotional right before he had to leave for work. He said because he sees that there are multiple paths that he could have gone down but he says he didn't because he met me. He also said that the longer that he is away from PMO the more empathy he has in general but especially for the PA's on here that he sees struggling. I think he feels that maybe if he hadn't met me that he would be where some of them are now. That made me think about trying to work harder at not judging anyone on here. It can be hard not to sometimes, not going to lie. But it doesn't do anyone any good. I think that I mostly just feel sad for everyone here. I hope that everyone on here can find peace someday. I'm working on mine everyday. :)

    I think my crazy puppy wants a walk so I should go do that. Maybe I'll try to write a bit more tonight since I will have time this evening to myself. :)
     
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  5. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Next week, my husband will be going out of town for the first time since our last D-day. I'm trying to decide how I feel about it. I think how I feel about it changes depending on the hour of the day. Lol. I don't like being apart from him but I don't want to be depressed all week long either. I will have plenty to do. We have 3 kids with birthdays in February so I have some planning to do for their parties. That will occupy a good portion of my time so that will be good. :)

    I was trying to think about what distinguishes my bad days from my good days that I've had since our last D-day. Everything has been good in that my husband and I communicate now...I mean we always did, but not about his porn "habit" being an actual addiction. So, we talk a lot now, but the conversations are deeper than they have been in the past two years. And even if I have a "bad" day, B4L senses it and makes sure that we take time to talk and get everything out. I do feel like he is working hard on recovery and I don't think, now, that our problems had to do much with porn. By that I mean that we both had underlying issues from our past that we weren't dealing with and his way to deal with it was the PA. Mine was to try make everything perfect and to be perfect. Lol. I failed miserably but I did try. I am trying to understand what he is going through and I think I've felt better about US now than from what we were going through in the past 2 years. I think that is what I am trying to recover from. I'm working on it and working on trying to not beat myself up for not being perfect. I think I can understand my husband more now and that is HUGE. We have always been best friends and very close but with the previous D-Days I was thinking "Who is this guy? I didn't marry someone who doesn't care about my feelings!!" but that is how it felt. I think I spent a lot of time thinking that he was SO great so it MUST be ME that was fucked up. I honestly don't think HE made me feel that way. I have my own issues to deal with that made me feel that way. As I've told him though, the PA didn't help, to say the least.

    Yesterday, before he went to work when he was getting emotional, I forgot to mention what really upset him. It was him remembering that I said to him on October 6th, 2019, "I don't trust you". He said how he remembers a long time ago when we first met how I told him that I trusted him right away and that he felt SO bad that he broke that. I think that is what we are working on the most. It might sound dumb but I have no desire to check his phone or computer for anything now. I used to do that a lot, but after he admitted his addiction, I have maybe picked up his phone once to check for something. I just let that go and I feel better for having done so. I can't control him.. that's not the kind of relationship I want to have. He has to be free to make his own choices. He knows what will happen if he doesn't make the right choice for our relationship and I am just letting go of trying to control everything. That goes back to the whole being perfect thing, I think. I can really only control what I do. So, I'm going to focus on that. :) I think that is the serenity prayer....accepting what can't be changed, courage to change what we can and having wisdom to understand the difference between those two things. I need to remember that.

    Okay, I guess I'm done being philosophical this morning. I have plenty to do because its all weekend with all the kids so it will be loud and fun here. Hopefully we will have a good weekend. I'm sure I'll be writing a lot next week. I think I will need to write to keep my sanity with 5 kids and a crazy puppy to take care of by myself. It's always an adventure around here. Lol
     
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  6. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I thought I might have more time to write this week with not having B4L to talk to every night but I really have been swamped with the kids. I'm finishing up with birthday party plans for our soon to be 9 year old, running everyone to basketball practice and games, plus the crazy puppy. So, I haven't had too much time to sit and write out thoughts.

    I think I'm doing pretty good so far emotionally while B4L is on his business trip. The night time is the worst part. Not having him to cuddle up to sucks a lot. But the rest of the day I am doing okay with. The kids and the dog keep me busy.

    So where am I at? I'm trying to really work on me. I think that's been something that has been important to come out of all of this. I'm focused on myself for what feels like the first time in a very long time. It's kinda nice. :) I've been keeping up with my yoga routine everyday and that has helped me a lot in the patience department, I think. I suppose I am pretty patient most of the time but with the yoga/meditation practice, it's like I'm actually able to focus on being patient in my mind and not just outwardly appear patient. Not to say that I don't still have my moments, but everyone does, so that's okay.

    I've been doing a lot of reading on here lately. I think B4L thinks that that could be bad for me but it's really not, at least I would say that most of the time it isn't. Lol. I feel really bad for everyone on here. Not a lot of happiness on here... I mean obviously, why would there be?

    Not too long ago I wrote B4L a letter. It wasn't the spectacular masterpiece that he has since made it out to be, but just kind of a rambling, stream of consciousness that I had running through my head. I asked him if he would do the same for me and he said he was going to write it during this trip that he is on. I'm excited to read it. I have no expectations of it. Meaning, I'm not expecting Shakespeare. Lol. Just something heartfelt. I know it will be so he should really stop worrying about it. :p

    Well, I had a thread that I wanted to respond to but I think I'm too tired to do that right now. Hopefully I will have some time tomorrow.:)
     
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  7. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I have some time today so I thought I would write in my journal before I start my yoga/meditation for the day. It's Wednesday so only 2 more nights until B4L comes home! I miss him a lot but I'm doing okay.

    Its funny when I writing on here I'm usually listening to music at the same time. Music does really have a big impact on me. I imagine because growing up I didn't have a tv in my house (until I was 14) that it makes sense that music means a lot to me. It was a major form of entertainment for me. I do think that music can have such an impact on your mindset..it's why I decided to make a playlist of songs for me and B4L after our last and final D-day. It's been really nice to share my thoughts with him through music, because it's something he really likes too. :)

    I was thinking about Valentine's day.. it's something we don't really celebrate. We joke about not celebrating made up holidays. Lol. If we need a specific day to show each other that we love each other...well, we just don't like the implications of that. Plus, our son's birthday is on Valentine's day and I like the kids to feel special on their birthday, especially when it's on an actually holiday! Poor kid. lol

    Anyway, I guess something I have been thinking about is this whole recovery thing is not wanting the feeling of us being close to go away. I don't know if I have been able to articulate to B4L that I really feel like I need to recover from the last two years and that the closeness that we have gotten to over the past 115 days is what I don't want to lose... In fact, we did discuss it and his opinion to me seemed to be "Well, we might not always sit together for an hour every night to talk and we might have ups and downs"..something to that affect. But I'm not talking about that stuff. I'm talking about this connection. I don't want it to go away because we both think he is cured from the PA. I don't even know if that makes sense...it makes sense to me. Lol I'll have to maybe explore those thoughts more to articulate them better. Maybe the best way to sum them up is that I don't want us (and specifically him) to stop trying to make our relationship the best that it can be. I don't want complacency. In fact I hate complacency. If I'm so amazing, spectacular, wonderful, awesome, terrific, (etc) then I think that I should be told so and shown through actions that he actually believes that. I think words of affirmation was like second on my list of love languages. I guess that just means that I really enjoy compliments. Lol. But I prefer them not because B4L is feeling guilty that he hasn't complimented me enough in the past but because he legit feels that way now. (Not saying he does that) None of this is meant as some kind of weird demand on my part. I'm just thinking out loud here. Lol I think a lot of the problems between men and women are that women want guys to say and do certain things but when they do them if we feel that they are just saying or doing something because it's what we want them to, then we don't want it. We WANT YOU to want to do it! I know, I know, women are super weird like that. Lol. :p

    I was thinking that I feel like we had a split in mindset on that day that I told him that I hated him. I think he just thought " I will just keep porn completely separate from GID" and I just thought "Why is he still doing that knowing that it hurts me?" I think part of why he did continue was that I (other than the day I said "I hate you") didn't do a great job of expressing my feelings. The other part was that it IS an addiction and neither of us knew that. However, I still need to recover from that and figure out a way to trust that what he is saying is true. I don't think in general that I do have a problem trusting him now. I mean right at this moment in time I don't have a problem trusting him at all. He's been away since Monday and I'm not sitting here ringing my hands and thinking that he is using PMO. I wonder if though that that is more to do with me than him... What I mean is that I can't sit here and worry about getting hurt all the time. It doesn't mean that I won't do that sometimes, but I think that I would feel pathetic if I was constantly worried about him using PMO. In fact, I know I would feel that way because I have! Not to say that that is an excuse for him to go do it. I guess I just mean that I CANNOT control this situation and that is a very freeing realization. The ball is in his court (so to speak) and I am going to be here to support him in any way I can but I'm not going to be... pathetic is the only word I can think of to describe it. I don't want that at all.

    I've been listening to this song a lot lately. It must mean something to me.

    Lyrics for people who don't like to click on youtube videos. Lol

    Tomorrow never comes

    I've been climbing my way through the sky
    Searching for answers that I'll never find
    Losing my breath as I fall
    Learning to fly, letting go of it all
    Learning to fly, letting go of it all


    I'm gonna live
    Like tomorrow never comes
    There's no end in sight
    Tonight we black out the sun
    Better hold on tight
    Before you know it's gone
    And live like tomorrow never comes

    I've been trying to open my eyes
    Take it all in as the world passes by
    Getting lost in the twists and the turn
    Finding these questions inside me still burn
    Finding these questions inside me still burn

    I'm gonna live
    Like tomorrow never comes
    There's no end in sight
    Tonight we black out the sun
    Better hold on tight
    Before you know it's gone
    And live like tomorrow never comes

    I keep looking for some kind of sign
    Trying to hold on in this race against time
    I can't say where the next bend might be
    That is the beauty in life's mystery
    That is the beauty in life's mystery


    I'm gonna live
    Like tomorrow never comes
    There's no end in sight
    Tonight we black out the sun
    Better hold on tight
    Before you know it's gone
    And live like tomorrow never comes

    There's no end in sight
    For tonight we black out the sun

    I put the lyrics that are particularly relevant to me in bold. I'm letting go of it all. I'm taking a deep breath and actually living my life in the present. The part about "I can't say where the next bend might be. That is the beauty in life's mystery".. I love that so much. I don't know what is going to happen around the next bend...it would be nice to know but I can't know. And that is the beauty in life's mystery. :)
     
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  8. I just want you to know that I wrote your letter before I read these posts :D. You will see what I mean. I love you!
     
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  9. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Lol, ok then. I love you too!:)
     
  10. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Today feels like a blah kind of day. I'm hoping that if I write about that feeling that it will go away!

    I actually have a lot of running around to do this morning but I wanted to write here first. I'm tired today. I didn't really get as much sleep as I wanted. Being tired physically never helps because I'm going through a period in my life where I feel tired emotionally. I'm sure that comes from much of what we are dealing with now.

    I've read through a lot of SO's journals on here and can relate to many of the feelings that they share. One thought of particular interest to me was the idea that their PA wanted them to "hurry up and get past it". I don't know if B4L feels that way. I do feel that way about myself at times, and I think that is due to wanting to be at peace. I don't think peace works like that though. Seems like there is some difficult work ahead to deal with but I do feel like I have days where I just would rather not deal with any of it. I think today might be one of those days.

    I found a podcast to listen to about betrayal trauma. It's been helpful. I think maybe the go getter side of me just really wants to immerse myself in all of this. Finding stats on how many people can actually recover for this type of addiction has proved to be challenging. I asked in another thread about it because the consensus on this website seems to be that only 5% can recover??? Seems pretty low to me but I'm not an expert in anything so what do I know?

    Well, I don't think writing has helped that much. Maybe a little. I just have too much to do today. I have to take the time to do stuff for me today too (ie yoga/meditation, maybe even a bath later) So, I guess this is where I kinda just suck it up and go be a grown up... even though I REALLY don't want to.
     
  11. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Our 15 year old has been sick since last Thursday. That is why I haven't been writing in my journal. I suppose I should find ways around that but with B4L being gone last week and trying to do everything for the party on Friday, I just didn't find time. I should make more time for me but when one of the kids is sick it just takes up a big part of my focus.

    I have lots of thoughts running through my head today. I feel like I'm struggling to not go too far down into despair. I think I could have done that this morning. Instead I decided to make myself breakfast and start cleaning up the kitchen. I think I would call that progress for me. Old me would have just decided to go back to bed and stay inside all day. New me says that while old me has a good point about staying inside and going back to bed, old me should just shut the fuck up and grow up. lol

    I think I am struggling a lot because... I'm even struggling to finish the sentence about what I am struggling with... I think I'm struggling with not feeling very worthy. Which just sounds super pathetic but its true. I think when you've been stuck in a bad cycle for awhile (and I feel that I have been for at least the last two years, maybe more) you find out that old habits die hard. Like reacting poorly to things you never thought you would. I should back up a bit, I suppose. My husband and I have always looked at the parents guide to movies and tv shows. I know that one time, when we first got together, I reacted poorly to a scene we were watching in something where it was implied that someone was raped. After that I revealed to him that I had been raped by my ex. That's always a tricky one for people to believe, isn't it? Can you be raped by your spouse? I'm being sarcastic, of course, because I know you can but also I know how some people think. I realize this is a fairly big revelation for my journal but it isn't to me so I'm not diving into it at the moment. I'm only trying to make a point about something. The point being that he and I are always mindful of that, of what happened to me and we adjust what we watch accordingly. I am not sure why anyone would want to watch someone get raped, period...I mean, I don't give a shit how great Game of Thrones is, I'm not supporting a show like that. Anyway, we are always very mindful of those things and much to my husbands credit, we've stopped watching shows before when they did have something like that, and I appreciate him for that. That all being said I feel like maybe I have some more of a grasp on some of my recent triggers. They haven't had anything to do with rape at all, just watching overly sexualized things together is probably not a good idea at this moment in time. For example, the Superbowl half time show. As it got closer to the half time show I started to really think about watching Shakira and J-Lo shaking their asses and I thought to myself.. "I don't think I want to watch that with B4L..." and "I'm not sure I can watch that with him right now." I got stuck in an old habit which was instead of telling him, "I don't think this is a good idea, I think this may trigger me" I decided to make sarcastic remarks about it to him and I guess he just thought I was joking. So we started to watch it and I could just feel myself getting mad and getting triggered (I STILL hate that word). It feels like I get very hot (not in a fun way) and I shake a little. I was making snide comments to him about Shakira's ass and he in turn decided to say something snarky back and left the room. I kept watching a little more with our 17 year old and 15 year old and they both thought that much of it was very inappropriate. In fact my 15 year old said "I hope (his youngest brother's name) isn't watching this at his mom's!" We turned it off after I saw that basically it was just going to be shots of J-Lo's crotch and some guy dry humping her. SO ridiculous! IN fact a headline about it read:
    To some, the show was a Miami-infused explosion of dance and high-energy music that got you out of your seat. To others, it looked like softcore porn. Kinda!!! :rolleyes::rolleyes:

    However, the aftermath of that was where things did get better though. B4L and I talked. I talked about how I could have just been more upfront with him about it being something I didn't want to see. I will point out though that I felt like he made a big deal about wanting to see it. I can't be sure if that is true or not or if that is the betrayal trauma talking, but I can only say how I feel. Anyway, I think he did a good job of trying to see my side and realizing that he reacted poorly too so I think that was a good thing to come out of it. I just want him to understand where the triggers are coming from. They are there for a reason.

    Something that I just remembered as I was typing which I want to write down. I was telling B4L that I feel like I have had anxiety for a few years but didn't really want to tell him. Especially at night, trying to sleep, with my heart pounding really fast and my mind racing. I'm not sure that I knew that that was from feeling anxious about him watching porn in bed. I had woken up to that a couple times before and he totally dismissed me about it. I don't even know if he remembers that but I do. I told him "You really think that's okay to do, lying right next to me?" and his was response was "Was I supposed to wake you up? I just wanted to find something to help me sleep and I didn't want to wake you" I remember thinking, "Well, I sincerely hope the shower scene you were watching was helpful to you, you stupid douchebag." I also remember one time I fell asleep on the couch while he was watching House of Cards (that's a rare occurrence in our house, because I hardly ever fall asleep while we are watching tv) So, I woke up to the sound of people having sex and I was livid. It's funny to me because it is not as if I object to sex in movies or tv shows at all but I know now that I was just super triggered. And of course, I was made to feel like it was no big deal and that maybe I had some problems. That's just one of the best things about this addiction bullshit, isn't it? That I was made to feel like I had a problem. NOW I understand more about addiction but at the time I just thought that my husband was being a big bag of dicks so I didn't know. And that, ALL of that, is what I am trying to recover from. The feeling that if I wake up in the middle of the night and he is on his phone...I can't even tell you how many times that happened and I would just will myself to go back to sleep. I don't even think he was watching porn the majority of those times, but that damage had already been done. I also think he thought that when he "couldn't sleep" that coming out to the couch to "sleep" would be a better idea, but even though he thinks that I am a very heavy sleeper, I did notice him not being there in bed for hours at a time.

    I also think I got triggered because I said something to him like "Well,you left the room before the real show started at half time" meaning that he missed J-Lo showing the world her vagina and I sort of triggered myself because right after that I said something about them getting fined for that show and he went to check about that on bleacher report and I was thinking he was going to look up the show. He says he doesn't have any interest in seeing it but I have had so many experiences with him where I have told him about something ,ie. "Omg, we need to be careful of this social media app because I just read about how they can't control the porn on it" or where we are watching a movie and he goes to look up an actress and the next thing I know I would see that in his history "(famous woman''s name here) naked" and also a search for the app I told him about!!!! Basically, his curiosity could never leave anything left to his imagination and I don't really have the trust in him to think that that isn't happening now. I don't think it is happening. I just don't trust that it isn't there as an urge when he says it isn't. It is difficult to trust someone after all of this.... I want to be able to and I want to get to a good place. I'm not there yet though. I realize that I sound like an idiot. I understand that right now, but I don't care at the moment. I will later, but right now I don't.

    Okay, so that was a lot of anger... I feel a little better for getting it out.I wish I could write out more but I don't really have the time right now. Hopefully I will tomorrow.. I don't know if B4L will see this today. I hope to discuss it with him later if we get the chance. I do hope that because I wrote out everything here that I am able to be more rational about it later. I'd like to think that will be the case, anyway
     
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  12. I did see and I will be there later to discuss. I will work really hard to work on my keeping space, empathy, and not coming at it from shame. We can work together to get better at this. I love you!
     
    GID2020 likes this.
  13. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I know we will get better and I love you too. :)

    PS. Sorry about the douchebag comment. To be fair that happened a long time ago. :p
     
  14. That's ok, I'm holding space for it! :p:p:p
     
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  15. Jonnyb4

    Jonnyb4 Fapstronaut

    You guys are inspirational, seriously!! The openness you have with each other now is amazing, and sharing your journey in here I'm sure helps a lot of people (myself defo included).
     
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  16. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Lol, you're a brat. :p:p
     
  17. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    You're so sweet @Jonnyb4. We are really trying!!:):)
     
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  18. bms1985

    bms1985 Fapstronaut

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    I just wanted to say I'm with you on all this. For months before I found out the real truth I was waking up regularly to naked scenes, sex scenes e5c and being snappy about it. I now think it was my subconscious telling me something, my high alert status. It doesn't happen anymore though.
    Also, the searching thing of so and sis name naked. That gets me to. I know he's not doing it, but I don't believe him when he says he doesn't think about doing it. Like, how can u suddenly switch from do8ng it with every Dan woman you see, hear etc to not having any desire to do it whatsoever. Cos for mine it wasn't just a porn addiction, it really was an addiction to looking at other women naked, whoever they were. Kind of like an information addiction, he would search out every female in a movie he was watching whilst next to me, whatever time day or night. Or any female singer etc. Not to get off to as such, but like he just had to see it. He's kindabreplaced that with football now, having to know the latest info asap. But I just can't accept that the thought iof looking isn't there if you know what I mean.
     
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  19. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Hi, @bms1985 . Thanks so much for your response. My husband and I read it this morning and he was saying how he can understand how that desire to not look anymore happens. I think I can agree with him. At least on an intellectual level but probably not an emotional one. Having watched "Your brain on porn" I do understand the science behind it, however science is usually not helpful when I'm in the middle of feeling triggered. Lol. We are both working hard on our recovery though and I think I will get to a place where I don't feel like he is looking for things like that anymore or even that he wants to look for them. I know it will take time though. I think that is one of my problems in recovery...I want to skip to the end of it. I'm working on that too!:)
     
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  20. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I've said before to my husband and to other people that I think most people are addicted to something. I was definitely addicted to sugar. I would say that the pull to eat it and carbs in general is not really there for me..until I get stressed. I think that that is something I will try to keep in mind for my husband as well. If he is stressed I'm sure that is when the pull to the addiction happens in his head. And so I think, just like I had to, you try to replace that pull towards that thing that is bad for you but that you want when you are stressed with other things. For me it's been yoga and meditation and eating keto. Replacing sugar with healthy fat has been amazing for me and I feel so much better than I ever did on sugar! Our bodies and brains are pretty amazing things and all we really need to do is feed them the right stuff and we will feel and become better!

    I guess my point in bringing that up is just what I said. Everyone is addicted to something. I don't think my sugar addiction was steeped in shame the way my husband's porn addiction is. I just like I like sweet things. Lol. I've never been overweight (well I was when I was pregnant but I don't count that, lol) but as got older and became more health conscious and realized that my really bad migraines came from my sugar consumption, I knew something had to change! I think if I can give up sugar then I'm pretty sure B4L can give up porn. Lol I know it isn't the same but I think he is way stronger than he knows. I hope he sees that one day!

    Well, I suppose I should get to that yoga and mediation while I have the time today! Hope to write more tomorrow when I am (hopefully) kid free. We've had 2 kids go down this week from being sick! Poor things.:(
     

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