Moments in time... my journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by GID2020, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. If I could chime in here for a second, I have a bit of standing in this realm. It is VERY possible that he has no desire to do this anymore. Its also very possible that he has the desire and is controlling himself, and its also very possible you are right and he is just doing it in secret. I know that isn't very reassuring but all three of those things could have been true at one time or another. I know they were for me. Before our last D-Day, @GID2020 knew I looked at porn, she also knew that I searched up actresses to see if they had done any nude scenes in movies. I thought I was hiding it well but I wasn't. When we started sobriety on Oct 6th, I still had the desire to look up someone naked, but I worked really hard to control myself. Now that we are entering, and I mean at the very beginning of recovery, I don't really think about it anymore. There are a lot of things that turned me on at one time or another during porn use that don't anymore. If you go to the Problematic Sexual Behavior Board you will see many there talk about gay, tranny or other extreme porn and confusion as to why they like it because they are none of those things. Many who successfully get away from it, are no longer attracted to that genre of arousal. If you haven't yet, go watch Your Brain On Porn. It does a great job explaining why all the things I have said are true.

    I will say that nudity was a big one for me. That's what excited me the most. I think because my sexual growth was stunted at the age that is arousing (12-13) though many embarrassing moments getting caught with playboy and penthouse magazines by mother. As I am doing more digging, revenge for those that wronged/embarrased me seems to be a big underlying reason for my tastes and what excited me. I understand what your husband felt. Its a compulsion that is hard to control. I think if he starts to understand where that comes from it will help.
    GID2020 likes this.
  2. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Hey, I have no sick kids in my house today! Lol. Thank goodness for that. Hopefully I have navigated through their illnesses without actually getting sick myself!

    Today feels like it's going to be a good day. It's kinda nasty outside now so I'm not sure if I will be able to do much running around today, which is fine with me! Lol. I have enough to do around here anyway.

    I think that lately B4L and I have been really having good talks. We talked about sobriety versus recovery and how we feel that we are just now starting real recovery. I think that is an important distinction that we never thought about before. He had mentioned that he didn't feel that he was quitting PMO for himself and I told him that I thought he should be. I mean I appreciate that he isn't doing that anymore for me as well but I don't think I should be the only reason he isn't. I want him to get better for himself, not exclusively for me. That doesn't sound sustainable.

    Last night we talked more about a Csat therapist. We will need to research this more I think. He was doing that a little at work but thinks that might be a bad idea, and I would tend to agree. Not that there is anything wrong with looking for a therapist but just not at work.

    Yesterday, B4L was feeling "sentimental" about me. Lol. I thought that was cute. I was worried that something was wrong, but he said there wasn't anything wrong that he just missed me at work and so he came home earlier and we had dinner without the kids and that was really nice. :) Also when we talked last night he mentioned the podcast we have been listening to (The Betrayed, The Addicted and the Expert which is all thanks to @Jagliana !) and how they talked about relapses and how to disclose one. We talked about that maybe being like having a fire drill. Lol. So like you make a plan for what you would do if that happened and we discussed that a little. On the podcast the couple talks about having a 24 hour rule, disclosure within 24 hours, which we both agreed was a good rule and then we talked about how that might look to us. I told him that just thinking about it was making me mad. And he said he figured that I would be (he does know me after all!, lol) and then he asked me what I thought I would need and I said I would need time away from him and that I wouldn't want him to touch me. After we talked about how we would handle that I did feel better and I hope he did too. I understand that it is smart to have a plan in place but we both know that neither of us will be happy if that happens. However, we are both human and very fallible and sometimes things happen! I guess the best thing would be that if it did happen that would could have our plan in place and really both learn from it. I think I have learned that what he does has zero meaning when it comes to my self worth. I determine that. No one else can do that for me!

    Well, I should probably get some stuff done around here. We will have the kids this weekend so it will be busy as usual! It's also a lot of fun around here too when they are all home. Hopefully I will get a chance to make everyone some cookies and maybe hot chocolate for movie night tonight! :)
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2020
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  3. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". That's a quote that is generally attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt. How true that is for both porn addicts and the people that love them. Its difficult though, when that person that is making you feel inferior is yourself...that is a lot to contend with. I think that is what a lot of porn addicts seem to struggle with, the shame of it all...The cycle of shame has to be broken some how. I was talking to my husband last night about his shame and my trauma (I guess that is the best word for that) and how I don't want to be stuck in trauma anymore. I know I will have bad days but my goal now is let myself feel the bad stuff but then don't wallow in it. I can't sit in past hurts..that is just SO unhealthy. I'm NOT going to do that or if I do, I won't let myself do it for very long. I can't punish him for the past. I can talk to him about how I feel/felt and hope that he will hold space for those feelings but I really refuse to let another person dictate how I feel about myself. And for a person that considers themselves a bit of a control freak, this is kind of huge for me! Lol. I won't let anyone make me feel like I'm less than or not enough. It's ridiculous to me that I ever let that happen. I've been trying to explain this to my husband for awhile and I think he understands...that whatever happens, wherever life takes us, I want to be okay with me. I'd like to be more than okay but I will settle for okay right now. I have to get myself right because I matter. I think I've felt for a long time (not exclusively because of the porn addiction but other things too and not even in our relationship) that I didn't matter. Well, I just have to say fuck that! Lol. No more! And if at any point in this recovery B4L doesn't like or want to be with me...I mean that would be difficult, but I'm not going to let it define me or stop me from improving myself. I told him at the beginning of this 127 day thing we've been doing "Someone has to care about me...and I guess it has to be me". And he should take the same advice for himself too.

    If you're reading this B4L, this is not what I wanted to mention this morning. I was thinking of something else. But I don't think it's something I will mention here. It's nothing bad. Just something I was thinking about and will talk to you about it later. :)

    Well, I need to get a bunch of things done today, so I should get moving. Today is going to be an okay day.. It might even be great if I let it. ;)
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  4. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    So I haven't written in awhile but not for any nefarious reasons. Lol. Just haven't made my journal a priority. I've decided to try to journal every day but just for 10 minutes. Otherwise I will write War and Peace everyday and I really don't have time for that. Lol

    Things have been going really well. I truly believe that once I figured out that I really need to work on MY self worth and having the light bulb moment of understanding that my self worth does not come from what my husband says or does...well, that has been a big breakthrough. It might sound obvious to emotionally healthy people, but I don't think I was one of those people. Lol. I'm working on that now.

    A very important part of my recovery is working on me and letting go of trying to control everything. I feel like I am doing a good job with that. Self care is not something that I prioritized, EVER, so to actually sit down at the beginning of my day and write out my day and include "self care" in it is a REALLY big thing for me! And not controlling everything means that I don't pick up my husbands phone to go through it and I don't ask him to go through a checklist of what he needs to do for his recovery everyday. That is HIS job, not mine.

    I think the next step in all of this process will be talking to someone about this in person. Whether it's someone I know or going to a sex addict spouse support group. I think I'm ready for that. I'm hoping to find a group that is focused more on healing and less on "my husband is a dick and I'm a victim". I hate that kind of mentality. Even if he was a dick and I felt like a victim, that's a terrible place to sit and wallow in. I don't want to do that.

    Well, it's been a little less than 10 minutes but I need to start my day. I may try to write for 10 minutes at night too but I won't be upset if I can't. Going to talk to my husband more tonight about finding a group to go to and see what his thoughts are. His thoughts are important to me and I do want to know how he feels about this. More than anything he will probably be amused at my struggle to try to connect to other women. It's not my strong suit but I will write more about that another time!
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  5. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    So, after saying yesterday that I didn't want to wallow, it's kind of what I did for awhile yesterday. Lol. I think that's okay though. It's going to happen and I need to forgive myself when it does and move forward.

    Last night I did talk to my husband about some things from our past (not porn related) that had led to some bad memories for me. He did a really wonderful job "holding space" for me and I felt like I could share with him. I felt like I could tell him about my triggers and he didn't go to shame and even though I didn't feel that much better, it really was a good conversation. I didn't feel better because I was still wallowing in some of my own shame. Going to work on that.

    I mentioned before that going and talking in a group of women about sex/porn addiction sounds like it would be awkward for me... Not because of the topic but because I find that I don't get along well with most women. I think I should try to figure out why. I mean, I don't think that is 100% true because I actually can get along with anyone just fine... Maybe I just feel that I tend to get along better with men because they are much simpler to understand? Lol. That isn't meant as an insult, even if it sounds like one. I always got along much better with boys in school. In fact, one of my best friends in school was a guy. Unfortunately though I never really had a guy just want to be my friend. Don't get me wrong, I had lots of guy friends but usually they always mentioned that they were interested in more and I just really wanted a friend. I don't know if I just don't relate well to most women because I'm not super girly?? Like I have zero anything pink, anywhere. Lol. I was telling my husband the other day that maybe it has to do with growing up in a small town where I was literally the only girl my age and all my friends were boys. I didn't get a girl "best friend" until I was 14. And she wasn't super girly either. I do enjoy things that I would consider "girly". I like to get dressed up nicely and do my hair and makeup and all of that. I guess for me, a group of women is synonymous with a bunch of catty b!tches

    (side note. I find it TOTALLY ridiculous that given the content of this website that I got chastised for actually writing out the word b!tch in a journal entry in reference to my husband's ex. I was told to "please change it and please don't use the words lightly in the future." Riiiiight!! Cause a website where it is mostly men talking about how they can't keep their hands off their dicks for more than a few days at a time while viewing naked women in all kind of degrading scenarios seems like a place where they would be super concerned about my use of the word "b!tch" in regards to another women, :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:who, btw, is a b!tch and any other word that you can think of that means "terrible person of a female persuasion". I'm not sure the moderator got the irony in asking me to change it but it didn't allude me...I mean rules or rules and I get that but I thought it was fucking bullshit...)

    But I digress... I think I just need to find the right kind of women to hang with. I need to find someone who is willing to listen to the fact that I don't hate my husband even if I have felt very hurt by his actions. I need to find someone who will let me vent but not let me slip into victim mode. I am so done with that. I totally understand why it happens, because I let myself go that way, but I really refuse to do that now. My self worth has ZERO to do with anything my husband has ever said or done and I refuse to get caught up in that kind of cycle. If my husband was continuing down the path of PMO and not into recovery that would hurt A LOT and we would end up not together because I am no longer willing to go forward with a relationship where I feel that not only am I being disrespected but that he is ultimately hurting himself more than anyone else. That is one of the main problems with PMO, right? You really not living your life in truth... That makes me sound like a new-agey, obnoxious person, doesn't it? lol. Oh, well, it's true.

    So, where does that leave me? I guess it leaves me with the understanding that I need to change. I don't have to like pink to get another women to my friend, at least I really hope not cause I don't wanna. Lol. I do think what I wrote above does have something to do with my lack of female friends.. I don't relate well to other women so what can I do about that? I can try to be as empathetic as possible to them and see if maybe the thing that I see as them being catty is just them not being able to express themselves properly because they don't have the coping skills. I don't mean to sound like I hate every women I've ever met or anything like that. I've talked to a few very nice women on here so it's not as if I think I couldn't get along with them or be friends with them. But the thing about this place is that it isn't really real, is it? Any of us could be portraying ourselves as anything.. I need to live a more authentic life... I'm not sure if I know what that means yet...

    Ok, so definitely went over my 10 minutes today but I gave myself until 9:45 to finish this so I think I'll make it. I guess I have a lot to contemplate and a lot to do for my family today so time for myself is over for right now. I never have time to write on the weekends when we have all the kids but I will give it a try this weekend anyway.

    I REALLY wish my mom was still here because SHE was my best friend for a long time. It's hard to do this without her.:(:(
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  6. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I have a little bit of time today so I thought I would write for a few.

    I'm feeling all out of sorts today. It's been a long weekend and I'm not feeling that great about some of the feelings that I've been feeling. Lol, that's a lot of feelings! I hurt my wrist too.. or more accurately my dog hurt it on our walk the other day because she is part Norwegian elkhound and part border collie and ALL crazy. Lol. She is very sweet but still will jerk a lot on walks and she jerked my wrist with her yesterday. My husband gave me a brace for it but that made it hurt worse. I'll live though, I suppose. Lol

    Anyway, I'm going to say something that isn't particularly nice but not anything that anyone who actually knows me doesn't know: I am not sad that I couldn't make it to my Mother in law's house today. I think it's probably a very good thing that I had an appointment to take our oldest son to. There is a lot of the shame cycle that goes on in there and as much as I don't like that my husband is facing it alone, I just can't today. I think he has been trying to work on coping techniques to handle his family but I also think me not being there will actually help with that. He doesn't have to get triggered by my triggers. So in that sense, I think it's good that I'm not there. I think my relationship with my husband has been pretty codependent and I'm trying to navigate it more towards interdependent. So maybe that will also help him today with his family...although I don't know if even a really great therapist could help with that family. I want to always say that they are nice but I kind of choke on that a little bit. Maybe, well intentioned?Because nice is the wrong word. I don't think they are bad people. I mean he is the baby of his siblings so that could be part of the way they act toward him and me and us. It's just funny to me that the majority of people I tell our story to (you know, how my husband has 2 boys from his first marriage, I have 2 boys from my first marriage and how we were the guardians of my much younger brother and sister because both my parents past away) say "wow, you guys are so great for doing that and making it work", but mostly from them they just had "concerns" about it. I suppose if I let myself go down the path of letting others determine my self worth, I would say that they have made me feel like a bad mom and wife more times than I can remember...Mostly a bad wife, which I find ironic, given everything that I've ever said on here...But, I'm not going to entertain the thoughts that I used to have about how they felt about me or treated me. I know that I am not those things and I'm not going let how they act or what they say determine how I feel about myself. Not today anyway. Lol

    So triggers today. They come in really interesting packages sometimes. I was actually just listening to a podcast on them. A person on the podcast mentioned that when her husband would say something like "I want to go back to school" that was a trigger for her. I was thinking about that and I guess it might sound silly but I think that I understand that. It's about feeling some stability. She was saying how when her husband said that that all she could think was "NO, everything is so good right now with our jobs and our finances. Why would we mess that up? Can't you just provide for your family?" And so I think I might understand why when my husband talks about the real estate investing stuff it can be very triggering for me. It feels unstable. It feels like if he does that then he won't be spending time on his recovery. It feels like if he does that then he will be able to act out because we won't be together as much...And I think a big part of what triggers me with that is that one of our D-days came during a time when he and I were working on a flip together. It was when I said "I hate you" to him. Which is a REALLY big deal to me.

    I think the worst part about the "I hate you" moment for me was that it didn't stop him. I can't imagine doing something to upset him and him telling me that he hates me and not stopping that thing. It was the worst too because I always used to feel like I was little crazy. Like I knew he was "acting out" with porn but he just assured me that it wasn't a problem. I really do understand the addiction side of things now but back then I was just a b!tch (he never called me that, it's how I felt) because I felt uncomfortable that he was buying pictures of women online. I mean it sounds so messed up because I think I was entitled to be pissed off about that. I guess I didn't realize at the time though that his actions have no bearing on me.... This is huge for me to understand. And so I can remember those things that he did and feel angry and upset about them now but I'm not going to turn it around onto me or make excuses for his behavior that have anything to do with myself. Meaning, I'm not going to say "If I was thinner, if I was prettier, if I was sexier, then he wouldn't do those things". Nope. Cause first of all I don't need to be any more of those things and second of all, the addiction has nothing to do with me, how I look, or my self worth as a woman. It's difficult at times to believe that still but I think I'm getting better. AS I said though before, my feelings are kinda all over the place today but writing about it all has helped.

    I need to write more about this but also have many other things to do today so I will have to put this on hold for now. I do feel a little better just writing in this journal. Maybe I will have more time later to make these thoughts a bit more coherent. Lol
  7. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I think maybe I feel more compelled to write in my journal if I'm having a bad day. Seems that way to me anyway... Today hasn't been a good day, although I don't know if I could pinpoint one thing that made it "bad".. I just feel out of sorts with my emotions. I feel like as if one thing or another hasn't gone my way today, it's been one domino falling on the other. I feel like crying but I'm not exactly sure why. In fact I am crying a little as I write this. I have been doing a lot of recovery work but I think at times it overwhelms me. I have so many other things to do that the self care stuff seems like an indulgence. I KNOW it isn't. But what I know and how I feel are two different things.

    I kinda wish I could just go to bed and not deal with the kids or the dogs or anyone else's problems. I feel very anxious and upset and I also don't feel like anyone really cares.Again, I know that isn't true. I just don't want to have to be strong today. I really wouldn't mind just going and wallowing but usually my wallowing sessions need to be planned and by the time I get to wallow, I don't feel like it anymore. So, I'm going to finish crying, be thankful that the kids are all at their friends house at the moment, wash my face and go start getting all my evening work done now so that I can be done at 830 bedtime. I really need 830 to be bedtime tonight. :(
  8. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I will say this - I've been learning (but by no means have NOT perfected) the simple truth that our thoughts directly correlate to the feelings and emotions we experience. If we pay attention and even rationally analyze what we tell ourselves, the causes for our feelings will often reveal themselves. To that end, what you wrote here jumped out at me because even though you "know" that what you're saying isn't true (I don't feel like anyone really cares), the fact that you're telling yourself this, as irrational as you know it to be, can quite easily contribute to depressive moods.

    People absolutely care about you. I know for a fact at least 1 does (Browns4Life), and people on here do as well (even though we are anonymous). Take care of yourself.
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  9. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    @daemonswithin , thank you so much for your nice post. I really appreciate it. I totally agree with everything you said. I find that when something happens beyond my control that I start to spiral downward into that "not enough" feeling and sometimes it takes me awhile to pull myself out. After I wrote my journal entry yesterday, I actually did feel better. I think it was helpful to write out those feelings and then see that how I was feeling doesn't really match up to what is actually true. I know that people care about me. I think on days when all the kids are here and the dog is being a brat and I have to help with homework and there is basketball practice, and track practice and driving lessons, and all of the other running around that I do and I have to make dinner alone for 7 people because B4L has to work late...I just get overwhelmed. I still have the "I need to be perfect" mentality and I'm trying to stop my brain from going to the negative self talk crap that it does sometimes when it perceives that I am not being perfect. Lol. It's okay to have a bad day, now and then I think. I have been doing much better over all.:)

    February always feels like the longest month to me, even though it's the shortest. We have 3 kids birthdays, my mom's birthday (she has passed away in 2014) the anniversary of my (step) dad's death, plus some not so nice memories for me and B4L. But I do feel like I have navigated through most of that much better this year. I've been getting up at 5:45 everyday to do yoga with B4L and then I do some in the mid morning by myself. It's definitely part of my self care routine. I would like to incorporate more things into that routine and I'm slowly figuring out how to do that. I find that when I do more for myself I have a lot more to give to other people!

    I'm reading a funny and helpful book right now called "Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes". Lol. It's not as slanted as it might sound. It's written by a couple and I like all the fun insights. I had to laugh over the one part that said "Why do men have to watch that one sport play over and over again and get sentimental over it?" and I was thinking, "hey, I do that!" Lol. This book is supposed to help you understand the other sex better but maybe it will help me understand women more? Lol

    Anyway, I'm going to try to go through my day and not to spiral down into the negative self talk. When I do that I can almost see myself walking down a long spiraling staircase, and it looks as if it goes on forever and it feels pretty hopeless. So, I hope to not let myself on that staircase in the first place today and step into the light again! :):)
  10. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Yesterday I didn't feel very well. I had a headache most of the day. I feel better today though. Not sure if I had a little bug or if I was just sad and my body was reacting to that... It can be hard to tell some days. The weather was crap here so that didn't help at all. Seems to be a bit better today though so hopefully that will help my mood.

    I feel like my yoga practice has really been my saving grace lately. I've been able to do it twice a day for the past 14 days so that has been really nice. It has helped me relax and also helped to remind me that I can take a deep breath when life gets me down.

    My 13 year old and I have gotten into watching "Red Dwarf". I used to watch that when I was a kid and I'm excited that he wants to watch it with me now. I'm looking forward to binge watching it tonight with him and my husband after dinner tonight! We also got Brit Box on Amazon, which is exciting for me since I grew up watching a lot of British comedies. Well, not grew up on them.. After I turned 14 I watched them. Lol. They probably weren't appropriate for me to start watching until then anyway!

    Well, I should probably go since my 10 minutes is almost up. I'm hoping this weekend will be more relaxing than last weekend. Lol. Basketball season is almost over and thank goodness for that! Lol
  11. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Kinda funny (not funny haha) how much and how often my mood changes from hour to hour now. Maybe I've always been like this? I'm not sure.

    I had a fairly nice morning and midafternoon today. My younger brother came over for lunch. It was nice to see him and it was bittersweet to talk to him because he is 21 now and no longer my "little" brother. I think that after my mom died and I was appointed his guardian I didn't really know what to expect but I think he's doing well in his life and I'm proud of him for how he has grown up.

    This afternoon was a mess. I'm still trying to figure it out. The story is that my husband texted me around 2 to say that his son, my step son (O) (and I'm only using that term to clarify this in the story) was going to sleep over at his friends house. This boy is a mutual friend of O and my biological son (J) but J wasn't invited to this sleepover. This made me very angry. I was even more angry when I saw that his O didnt ask this mutual friend to invite his brother, J. Mind you that I'm already a bit pissed off that I have to make dinner for everyone today even though it's not our weekend to have them all but my husband ex thinks I'm her fucking babysitter/person chef for HER kids, so I was already annoyed. Then I saw in O's phone that he did nothing to advocate for J to be there. And that really made me mad. Then my husband said he would just ask this little brats mother if J could come and I said "no way!" I don't want him to go if he's not invited and I don't know what that would have solved...I wasn't looking for my husband to fix it anyway but to just see why I was pissed off. Anyway then I saw O said "my dad wants me to ask you to invite J" and this little jerk said "I dont want him there"....

    Gotta say I am sure this must come from feeling rejected as a kid too (even though my husband seems to think I've never been rejected, which is ironic given why we are on this board) and I think this really sucks and I think O should have stood up for his brother but my husband doesn't agree and thinks O is "in a hard position". So much for family loyalty. I mean I get it, they are 13 but I think that is a crappy thing to do... it has probably made me more angry than it should though. I'm having a tough time letting go of the angry, which makes me think that this has very little to do with a kids sleepover. I think its probably about the hard work that I feel like I've put into this family and my relationship with my husband and I feel like I just get shit on for it. What do I get in return? I dont know if that makes sense but it does to me. I'm sure it has something to do with having 4 moody teenagers in the house too, who aren't always super respectful. At the very least it doesn't help me feel like I'm doing a great job in any area of my life. I mean I couldn't even get my husband to pick me over PMO for 10 years...and believe me I know that is on HIM but it doesn't matter.

    I feel like a huge failure tonight. I obviously can't raise a kid that other kids like and I don't have enough influence over my step son to get him to see that this whole scenario is pretty mean and crappy. I honestly don't think he gave a crap that J wasnt invited and that hurts my feeling for J's sake.

    That sounds really dumb when I write it out and read it back. Imagine losing faith in myself because of some little 13 year old's pretty stupid.

    I think if I look even deeper into this then I can see that this might come back to the fact that I have no one to talk to in real life about this fucking porn addiction bullshit in my life except for my husband. I literally have no friends I could talk to. So my choices are: the person who brought this into my life or I could go talk to a bunch of strange women in person about this crap too. I have no one I can turn to. And that is making me feel sad and angry and hurt and rejected. My husband threw in my face earlier what I have said before about it being difficult to be the person that everyone is attracted to (or at the very least I felt like he was throwing that in my face because I said it must be "hard" for O being popular. I wanted to say "Yeah, being attractive has gotten me what exactly?? My ex was an abusive jerk and you preferred pixels over me and my feelings for 10 fucking years!!!!" The first part of that is true, the second actually isn't true but it's what I wanted to say.

    I'm sitting on the floor in the bathroom crying when I should be watching Red Dwarf with my son. I'm going to stop being pathetic and go be with my kid. Who is blissfully unaware of the fact that his once best friend is now his brothers best friend and who "doesn't want him there". Yeah, I guess its good to have him get used to being rejected. Apparently it happens to the best of us.
  12. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Reading your post. Sounds like you are in a temporary funk of a mood.

    Kids can be real jerks... also, lots of times there might have been something that happened that caused your son and his friend to get mad at each other. Totally understand everything though. Nobody wants their kids to be treated poorly or their siblings to be a part of the problem. I occasionally deal with the same ostracizing in my world as an adult, it cuts deep when you are on the receiving end of it.

    Stay strong mama bear. And go enjoy some Red Dwarf with your son.
    GID2020 likes this.
  13. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    Thank you @JustADude. I kind of wish that my husband had said that
    Sort of all I was looking for but I am still just hearing that it isn't O's fault that J wasn't invited, which is very true, but doesn't change the fact that he did not even think to include his brother until my husband said something to him and even then it was "my dad wants you to invite J" not something like "hey, I want J there too", which leads me to spiral down into thinking I am a huge failure at this whole parenting thing. Because clearly one of my kids isn't wanted and the other one could give two craps about how his brother might feel. Yet, somehow I am just being an unreasonable female (this was not outright told to me, just my impression) and I am not feeling very heard on this topic and I think that is triggering me because I didn't feel like I was heard very much before on the porn "issue". Which is more likely what I am actually pissed about.
    Still I have to tell J about this because I think this scenario is going to happen again and he deserves to know that this little boy is not a good friend (I've never liked him anyway) but I know this will hurt J's feelings a lot and that really sucks. I told my husband last night that I can see the correlation between this and him just using PMO whenever and not giving a shit about my feelings, but again I am told that this isn't true that he cared about how I felt...Sorry, that doesn't compute in my head.

    My two step sons have basketball games today and I was not really wanting to go in the first place because of the timing but I'm thinking going today would not be a good idea. I do not want to take anything out on them because,as my husband has frequently reminded me, it isn't their fault. I don't want to compound these feelings of negativity by projecting them on to O. I don't actually think I would but I'm feeling all over the place and I would rather not chance it.

    So overall I'm not feeling that a great mom or wife these days. Going to try to cry this out and then get myself to stop being a wimp. I'm better than this.At least I really hope I am.
  14. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Someone shared this video with me today. Made me think of your recent posts.

    Good for you. Taking some time to relieve those emotions.

    You really need someone in your life you can talk to other than your husband. You need someone who can be honest with you while be unconditionally supportive. Lucky for me, I have my brother. He will tell me when I screw up, but somehow he is able to do that while being supportive. I think it is because we have a relationship in which we both know that there is practically nothing either of us could do that would make either one of us mad at the other person, we accept each other without reservation. I have found that when my wife and I are having a difficult time, things just get so confusing and full of emotions, that it is near impossible to know if I am just being crazy or if my wife is being crazy or maybe we are both being crazy, and my brother helps me find clarity through that fog of confusion.

    If you don't have anyone to talk to, maybe that is a sign you need to put more focus on yourself in your daily life. Spend some time building friendships and being social. Or maybe join one of those therapy support groups. Or, maybe you already have someone in your life who you can talk to, but you just need to push yourself to open up to them about everything so that person has power to actually be supportive.

    You have a lot going on, it can be very difficult to navigate the complexities of your situation without someone in my corner.

    Have faith in yourself. Make sure you are getting your basic needs met, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, taking brakes when you know you need a brake, exercising.
  15. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I agree. I think that's a point I've been trying to make to anyone who will listen. I'm so glad for you that you have your brother @JustADude . That must be really nice.

    I think my husband and I did a great job of resolving our fight over what happened with the kids. I told him that it really just came down to feeling like he didn't care how I felt and that triggered me because that is how I felt about the porn stuff. I felt like he just went to "This isn't MY fault" and that just made me mad and we spiraled from there! Anyway, it was a good lesson for us on how we can handle something like that if it happens again. For example, last night my son J came and asked me about some birthday money that his brother O got from his aunt and uncle. J didn't get anything from my husband's brother and sister in law for his birthday but he obviously noticed that his step brother did. Last night J asked me about that and I just told him straight up that I didn't like that either but that I can't do anything to change Uncle P and Aunt S. When I spoke to my husband about that this morning he did a good job of not taking it personally and we had a good talk about it. I think (and this is easy for me to say because my mom isn't around) that my husband really needs to set up boundaries with his mom because she is the one who insisted that O and C (my youngest step son) have a birthday party at her house, even though my husband told her repeatedly that that was not necessary. That was a day I couldn't go to her house with them and that is probably for the best since I know that would have been an argument. I think it's pretty shitty to treat step kids that way but I can't change them. I'm going to have a talk with J tonight about how we can't change other people but we can change how we behave and we can even choose to not react when someone does something that hurts us, because what they say or do says way more about the other person than it does us! And also, we don't get our self worth from how other people act towards us. We already have it intrinsically.

    And btw,
    that is great advice and I am doing those things. I work out everyday, I don't eat sugar or wheat, or very many carbs. Sleep could probably be better but for the most part I do well with it. My husband and I get up at 5:30 everyday to work out and that has been a great way to carve out more time together. :)

    So, overall I'm doing much better than last week. Yoga is helping. I'm not doing as much meditation as I would like. I think I'm not that comfortable with it yet. I will put it down as a goal for myself though. I am writing about what I am grateful for everyday and that is helpful as well. :)
  16. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    You just gave me an idea! My wife is always asking me to do palates with her. But, I don't want to do it because we cram ourselves into a small space and the mat I use always slides around... The whole thing is just uncomfortable for me. But, if I could make us a space that IS comfortable for working out, we could workout together and I would enjoy it more, she probably would too. Thanks for the idea spark!

    EDIT: Point being... i need to be more proactive about these little things, keep an open mind, and be present in my daily life so I can see opportunities like that for marital improvement.
    GID2020 and Browns4life like this.
  17. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    That's a great idea @JustADude ! Glad I could inspire you. Lol

    Pilates is a great exercise! That's so great that you are willing to do that with/for your wife. I'm sure she will really appreciate that! :)
  18. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

    I haven't been able to really write in awhile but I have a few minutes right now. Things have been going well in our relationship so I guess I don't feel the need to write when that's the case. I should try to write every day but I kind of find this place to be depressing. I'm thinking of just switching to a regular pen and paper journal because I've read that is actually better for you anyway plus I'm not sure what I'm getting out of staying on this forum...

    Today my husband had to go to his moms and I couldn't go again because of our 15 year olds appointment. She lives an hour away from us. I know going there is difficult for him and I also know that he feels guilty about not wanting to go. His recovery process has led him to really dig deep into his family's "stuff" and I don't think he likes what he is seeing. But I'm glad that he is trying to work through his feelings. I think it's really important and I'm hoping it helps him.

    As for me, I'm doing well. I have been working out every day and keeping to my keto diet, which is really amazing and I'm so glad I found it. I don't have any issues waking up at 5:30 now and both my husband and I get a lot more done. I think we are both hoping to work our way to getting up at 5:00 am but we will see how that goes. Right now though I have no issues getting up and going. I used to not be a morning person at all but I am now. Feels pretty good! We've also done a good job of making sure we stick to our schedules but with 5 kids at home that can be tricky. Still it's worth it. :)

    Although things are going really well with my husband and I, I still think we both need other people to talk to and possibly a therapist to talk to together. We are best friends but with everything that we've read about this, you're really not supposed to have your spouse be your accountability partner. I understand why. I think it just adds to people's codependency. Plus, it feels too much like I'm "checking up" on him. Or at least it did feel that way when we first started this. I don't want to treat my husband like he is a child so checking up on him is not going to work for me or our relationship. We can't build trust that way either. And trust is very important since it is something we have lost. I do feel like that is getting better every day. I think trust is built back up back actions anyway, not by checklists and words..

    As for writing on here. ..I'm not sure its healthy. In the beginning it seemed vital, now it just seems...I don't know. My husband hasn't updated his journal here in awhile because he's using a pen and paper one now and I think he's getting a lot out of that. I think I may try that and then maybe just check in here once a week. I think I don't fit in here but that doesn't surprise me. Lol. I think I'm okay with it too.
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2020
  19. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    I journal on paper rather than here just because it’s easier. Typing on my phone is tedious. I’ve found journaling to be very healing. A great therapist can really help when you start to feel stuck. Finding one can be difficult but keep trying if the first few don’t work! Lol. This place can be depressing but I’ve also learned to understand how difficult this addiction really is and really appreciate all the effort and changes my husband has made to stay clean. Is the keto diet something you will stick to forever? I don’t know anything about it, I watch my macros in order to maintain my weight. Great to hear everything is going well for you!!
    GID2020 likes this.
  20. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I am the same way. When things are going well, I don't feel a need to post on nofap. And, just browsing some of the posts on here... lots of people who are hurting, lots of people saying hurtful things, lots of opportunities to get sucked into unhealthy conversations.

    I think a good accountability partner needs to be someone I can go to for support and encouragement without having to worry about offending or hurting the accountability partner when revealing the truths about what is happening. I just can't see that working well with 99.9999% of spouse accountability partners.

    If @Browns4life is looking for accountability partners, @Wade W. Wilson created a Discord channel which provides a much better medium for discussing accountability. Only porn addicts are on the channel and the discussion is much more civil and controlled. I copied and pasted the following form @Jagliana 's journal...
    For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link:
    GID2020 likes this.

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