More Ways to Offer Support?

I'm sorry in advance, but this is a very long and rambling post.

Hi everyone. I've posted on Reddit before (and I'll post my original post below) but I also wanted to reach out here. Three weeks ago, my boyfriend (31) told me he thinks he has a porn addiction. We did a ton of research (I specifically read studies and peer reviewed journals on addiction, sex addiction, etc to see the effects this was having on his brain) and I began helping him as much as possible.

We started the journey of 30 days hard mode but only lasted 15 days. He said it felt like he had sex for the first time - he didn't think of porn and only existed in the moment. He only thought of me and how he was feeling. He said he could have never expected sex to feel that way. Prior to me, he never orgasmed with a woman before (he began orgasming with me a few weeks into our relationship but often had to "force" it) - not even when he actually lost his virginity over a decade ago. He is currently on day 22 of no PM and since starting recovery, he said his attraction towards me has grown exponentially. He can't explain it but he feels a lot more attracted to me in all aspects.

I very much believe that if I am in a relationship with someone, their problems are our problems. It's not me vs him. It's me and him vs the problem. And while I don't have an addiction and don't understand the addiction on a personal level - only scientifically - I've been doing as much as I can and offering as much support as I can give.

Together, we've been reading George Collins' book Breaking the Cycle. We've been reading it chapter-by-chapter (out loud), we discuss it, then he journals/does the exercises in the book and accompanying workbook. It's difficult for him and it's bringing back a lot of memories (as well as urges and thoughts).

However, I reached the breaking point two nights ago. I was crying uncontrollably and breaking up with him. Recovery is a dark road - between the studies I've been reading and the personal anecdotes I've read (mostly on Reddit), it's not pleasant. I felt as if he wasn't committed to recovery fully and I can't keep putting myself through this if he wasn't committed - as much as I try to help, only he can want to change and facilitate those changes.

Eventually, I self-regulated my emotions and expressed what I needed from him (support, etc), my expectations, and how I was dealing with all of this. I decided I wanted to continue with the relationship and continue helping him. We reached chapter 4 of George's book and he did the exercises. We sat down to discuss his journaling from the exercises and it turns out that things seem a lot worse than originally anticipated. Save the day 15 sex, he previously not only thought of porn during sex but also past partners (although he never orgasmed with them). His thoughts aren't just of porn but also past partners. He also admitted that he used to masturbate to women he knew (friends, exes, old high school classmates who he hadn't talked to in years) on social media and also their friends (women he never knew) - although he did delete all of his social profiles prior to his addiction admission. He recognized that there's a chance - given the opportunity - that he would cheat on me (he wouldn't go out to find someone but if someone he found attractive approached him, he doesn't know how strong he'd be to say no). When we were on the verge of breaking up, his "addict self" (a term we got from George's book) was excited to be single, return to porn, and have the ability to date many new women (dating apps give him that shot of dopamine since each woman is new and exciting with just a swipe).

He told me all of this because he realized that if he wasn't being 100% truthful to me, he wasn't actually being 100% truthful to himself. He recognized that the only way to change was to be honest with me (and consequently himself) - to stop pretending the addiction isn't as bad as it is, etc.

He is already in therapy but is seeking out a therapist who specializes in ADHD and sex addiction (we did that yesterday as a "together" exercise) and is also seeking out help from George Collins himself (and George's colleagues). We have both spoken to George on the phone, which was helpful. We're not putting all of our eggs in George's basket so to speak, but my boyfriend has found George's book more helpful than anything else so far.

Now, I will say that we've only been together for five months - not a long time at all. Around the 2.5 month mark, he accidentally moved in with me (we came in contact with people who had COVID and decided to quarantine together - then it happened again, and again - just overall poor luck as far as that goes). He still has his apartment but we rarely go there - only to pick up things or grab his mail. Living together so quickly has forced a lot of things to surface that might not have surfaced until much later if things were "normal." It's been both good and bad. Things shouldn't be this difficult this early in a relationship but I also believe that a person is not their addiction. There are a lot of good and great things about him and the addiction is only a part of him - and it's not even his "true self."

It's difficult - no part of this is easy - but I want to believe a life with him in recovery (I know he'll be in recovery for the rest of his life) is worth it because he really does have good and great traits and characteristics. But what I am interested in hearing from others is if this will continue to get more difficult/worse before it gets better. And of course, "worse" is completely subjective. I know about flatlining and PAWS but what is the likelihood (and can this even be measured) of things getting exponentially worse before things really start to change and get better. And how else can I help - if I can at all?

Reddit post:
My boyfriend recently admitted to me (F) that he has a porn addiction and it seems fairly severe - started when he was 13 and is now 31. He thinks about porn while having sex, often needs to think about it to orgasm/get hard/stay hard, random words will just trigger him to start thinking about porn, etc. I am the first woman he has orgasm with from sex but he has to “force” it to happen.

He is talking to his therapist about this. However, we have decided to abstain from sex completely while he completes 30 consecutive days of being PMO-free. Prior to this, we had a very active sex life (having sex at least once daily if not more - however that didn’t mean he would finish, stay hard, or be present in the moment since his mind would often wander to porn). We both understand that success is not often a straight line and it may be longer than 30 days - making this harder for both of us.

I’ve hung signs around the house with reminders of other options he has depending on which room he’s in (snap the rubber band on his wrist, hold his breath, sprint on the treadmill, take the dog on a walk, turn off the hot water, etc). I also maintain physical contact with him but in a non-sexual way - hugs, quick kisses, hand holding, etc. He asked me to child-lock his electronics (no access to apps rated for 13+, limited sites on Safari, no Chrome - all locked with a passcode only I know) and has changed everything to black and white/gray scale, which makes his phone and iPad just disgusting to look at. He’s downloaded ad blockers as an extra precaution. I’ve downloaded (and subsequently had to print since they’re often considered too adult for a child) lots of reading material for both of us to review about the science before it. I print out success stories I’ve found here as additional motivation.

He leaves his phone and iPad with me when he has to go into a different room for a while. I check in fairly often - asking him how’s he’s doing. But is there anything else I can do to help support him? Is there something I’m missing? I’ve never faced addiction personally and I can’t begin to imagine just how difficult it is for you guys, so I just want to be as helpful as possible.

 

Thanks for your response! He understands it will span his lifetime and expects to be in a group and therapy for the remainder of his life.

I definitely need to take care of myself, i've recognized this and it's been pointed out to me by my therapist. I think since joining a program, a lot of the weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, which makes the initial recovery period easier.

 

Thank you! He entered a program in which the therapists and facilitators are all recovering (for 10+ years) addicts as well. I think this helps us both immensely.

 

Yes, D-Day #2 was yesterday. He unloaded all of the rest of his "secrets" to me. It was difficult for him but for some reason, he thought it was the right time. Perhaps to enter the new year with a clean slate? I'm not entirely sure of his rationale but he entered a new program yesterday and spoke to his program counselor last night. So it seems we've taken a more positive turn.

And of course if your girlfriend wants to talk to someone, I'd be happy to talk with her too!

 

Happy new year! He unloaded the "rest" of his secrets yesterday. As I mentioned in another reply, I'm not sure why he chose yesterday but he did. So I'm assuming there are no other "secrets" that he is concealing from me. And the only things that are left to be discovered are those he's hiding from himself.

It is definitely difficult to hear the truth but I know it's part of the recovery process. And if I am in the dark about things, I won't fully heal either. He actually joined a program yesterday that is founded and run by recovering addicts (10+ years). He had his first call with a counselor last night, did some of the work, and things have seemed to take a turn for the better.