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Morphing Sexual Taste?

Discussion in 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions' started by Deleted Account, Apr 25, 2022.

  1. So, I've noticed what has happened to me from when I was in my late teens - when I started this addiction at 19. Now, I'm 33 years old. I'm confused - and this is probably the biggest factor that causes the most anxiety and confusion to me.


    So, when I was younger, I recall my first wet dream when I was 13 years old - I had a wet dream of a very shapely brunette woman who was in business attire. Some people would probably classify her body type as a BBW. I came to struggle in high school that I had an attraction to larger women. Oddly enough, I looked at porn, but none of it was the fast-paced stuff you see now - it was just images mostly - and I wasn't equipped with a smart phone that would ruin me.

    My girlfriend I lost my virginity to - was white, brunette and slender. I never M or O'ed with her. Sex was actually great. My first time having sex with her - I had no issue keeping a climax. In fact, I believe she authentically climaxed considering how long I lasted. But, I was able to climax after a second try.

    This would continue - I even remember telling myself - even though I looked at bigger women, the reality of sex with a woman of normal size was nice.

    Fast forward six months later - She was away at school and I fucked myself. I started fapping and looking at porn all the time - BBW porn. She found it and called me sick. To this day, I'm very ashamed of my taste with women. Then, we broke up.

    I had a few sexual encounters around 22 years old where the I couldn't perform because I had fapped non-stop - 3 times per day. Or, I was just too nervous to do it.

    The next sexual encounter I had that was good - I was 23 years old.

    The sex was good, I stopped fapping for 2 weeks, and after some little difficulty with her - maybe a little anxious - I was able to have sex with her quite a few times. She was italian, tan and dark hair. She was what you'd call a bbw, and I had a panic attack because I was insecure with myself and she knew - I hurt her really bad and I will never forgive myself for it.

    Throughout my 20's I would have less and less interest with slender women - and would just kinda feel "blah" - they did nothing for me. Eventually, I grew more into interracial porn and bbw porn and some other fetish - feederism, which has always been part of the porn viewing. A few other tries with women happened, and of course, PIED once again. I was on antidepressants for most of my time, and while people

    I bought a house in my 30s and a woman who sold me the house was half white and half haitian. My parents thought she was cute and said I should ask her out - I did - and it was a big mistake. She was very unstable with daddy issues. At the same time, my dad was having an affair. So this girl was seeing a guy in his 50s and my dad was 72 seeing a woman in her 20s. I was very very very very very depressed and heart broken - especially because, she move back home away from me. She was a woman who was not the body type I viewed in porn, but I was in love with her emotionally. When we were intimate, I was able to get an erection, but it wasn't strong and we didn't have sex for very long. I had not been sober for very long an I just didn't get the gratification out of it as I get from porn.

    When covid started, I decided - what the hell. I'll be fine. So, what'd I do? I started down the road of trying to stop quitting porn. I was on medication though - still - viibryd - which I am no longer on now, after workginw ith a doctor to come off of it.

    Anyway, a girl I was seeing - a bigger girl was with me and when my family voiced the feedback of not approving of her size, I had a major panic attack. Couldn't perform at all, and ended it. I even found myself switching preferences over time from lighter skinned to darker skinned women. All of this stuff has scared me to death because of how the pmo dopamine shifted me. I'm not sure if it is all related to viewing porn rewiring my brain, or if it is just my natural preferences.

    Now, what do I do? I am 33 and trying to quit. I don't get a morning wood anymore. Had some testosterone flucutations - was in the mid 400s, then went down to 300 while experiencing a panic attack and then it went back up to the 400s. I met another girl, also a bbw, and was able to have sex - had an erection after some trouble and was able to enjoy it. But, I also noticed my emotional connection with a lot of dates has just fallen apart. Is it the porn? I don't know. I don't know if it's our world, covid, the porn, but I am scared.

    I appreciate you for reading the above. This is my story and I'm not sure where I am going in my life. I feel very lost. I really do. I'm clean a few day snow - never made it past 30 days or so. So, now it's just stay away from this crap and finally kick this habit and maybe get some normalcy back? I don't know...advice? feedback?
  2. Well, I apologize for the info - maybe I am just losing my mind.
  3. I_Am_Strong_54

    I_Am_Strong_54 Fapstronaut

    No need to apologize for anything. Your story is like a lot of us here, viewing excessive porn and masterbating to it has messed us up in someway. Staying away from porn will eventually help you get back to normal, where you can enjoy a relationship with a woman.
    Raven King and WestCoast like this.
  4. For some reason, maybe because I have only felt the flatline and nothing else - I am scared these are hardwired and not changeable things if that makes sense. But it does seem like others have been fixed.
  5. Raven King

    Raven King Fapstronaut

    Dude, you cannot do this on your own. The opposite of addiction is community. See if there are any S.L.A.A or S.A groups near you and get a sponsor. Having someone to talk to who understands what you are dealing with is the key. You've tried quitting on your own and so have I. It does not work.
  6. I'm in a community for PAA and have a therapist. I wasn't sticking to it, but I am back attending meetings and building positive aspects of my life.
    Raven King likes this.
  7. Raven King

    Raven King Fapstronaut

    Glad to hear it. The key is sticking to the program, going to meetings frequently and building connections. Then you can make friends who will support you in your recovery. Good luck!
    WestCoast likes this.
  8. Without a doubt. I may go to some meetings locally but idk i like the online ones too.
  9. What are your thoughts on the above of my original post?
  10. Raven King

    Raven King Fapstronaut

    I have a few thoughts.

    I can relate to your story. We are a similar age. You feel lost. That's because of your addiction. You have panic attacks. That's because of your addiction. It's time for you to quit this thing. I recommend doing a 2 week cold turkey start, no internet, social media or anything that is triggering to you.
    Then you should get a porn blocker. I recommend Detoxify.
    But remember. You being online every day while trying to quit porn is like a recovering alcoholic hanging out at a bar. Not a great idea. Get outside more. Find new hobbies. You need to stay busy. Think about your life. What do you want? What are your goals? Create some. Work towards them.

    Personally, I could not make it past 30 days either. Tried quitting for years. Mostly just by using this forum. Then I joined a S.L.A.A group (In person) where I have a sponsor and friends I can talk to every day. These guys have similar experiences and struggles and we help each other. They do not judge you.
    Now I am finally healing. My anxiety is gone, my lack of ambition in life is gone. I have goals and dreams now, and I'm working towards them. Life feels great. My PIED issues are gone. Sex feels awesome.

    You can have this to, but then you have to be serious about doing a recovery program and meeting people like you. You need healthy connections. Not self help formulas or books.

    As for your BBW preference, it sounds like it is created by your addiction. Maybe not. All that will become clearer with sobriety.
    When you start healing you will be less concerned what others think of you.

    Good luck!

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