So, I've noticed what has happened to me from when I was in my late teens - when I started this addiction at 19. Now, I'm 33 years old. I'm confused - and this is probably the biggest factor that causes the most anxiety and confusion to me. --WARNING POSSIBLE TRIGGER CONTENT BELOW-- Spoiler: Original Tastes with Women So, when I was younger, I recall my first wet dream when I was 13 years old - I had a wet dream of a very shapely brunette woman who was in business attire. Some people would probably classify her body type as a BBW. I came to struggle in high school that I had an attraction to larger women. Oddly enough, I looked at porn, but none of it was the fast-paced stuff you see now - it was just images mostly - and I wasn't equipped with a smart phone that would ruin me. My girlfriend I lost my virginity to - was white, brunette and slender. I never M or O'ed with her. Sex was actually great. My first time having sex with her - I had no issue keeping a climax. In fact, I believe she authentically climaxed considering how long I lasted. But, I was able to climax after a second try. This would continue - I even remember telling myself - even though I looked at bigger women, the reality of sex with a woman of normal size was nice. Spoiler: Start of My Downfall Fast forward six months later - She was away at school and I fucked myself. I started fapping and looking at porn all the time - BBW porn. She found it and called me sick. To this day, I'm very ashamed of my taste with women. Then, we broke up. I had a few sexual encounters around 22 years old where the I couldn't perform because I had fapped non-stop - 3 times per day. Or, I was just too nervous to do it. The next sexual encounter I had that was good - I was 23 years old. The sex was good, I stopped fapping for 2 weeks, and after some little difficulty with her - maybe a little anxious - I was able to have sex with her quite a few times. She was italian, tan and dark hair. She was what you'd call a bbw, and I had a panic attack because I was insecure with myself and she knew - I hurt her really bad and I will never forgive myself for it. Spoiler: Continuing in my 20s Throughout my 20's I would have less and less interest with slender women - and would just kinda feel "blah" - they did nothing for me. Eventually, I grew more into interracial porn and bbw porn and some other fetish - feederism, which has always been part of the porn viewing. A few other tries with women happened, and of course, PIED once again. I was on antidepressants for most of my time, and while people Spoiler: Love in early 30s I bought a house in my 30s and a woman who sold me the house was half white and half haitian. My parents thought she was cute and said I should ask her out - I did - and it was a big mistake. She was very unstable with daddy issues. At the same time, my dad was having an affair. So this girl was seeing a guy in his 50s and my dad was 72 seeing a woman in her 20s. I was very very very very very depressed and heart broken - especially because, she move back home away from me. She was a woman who was not the body type I viewed in porn, but I was in love with her emotionally. When we were intimate, I was able to get an erection, but it wasn't strong and we didn't have sex for very long. I had not been sober for very long an I just didn't get the gratification out of it as I get from porn. Spoiler: 30s, Covid and now When covid started, I decided - what the hell. I'll be fine. So, what'd I do? I started down the road of trying to stop quitting porn. I was on medication though - still - viibryd - which I am no longer on now, after workginw ith a doctor to come off of it. Anyway, a girl I was seeing - a bigger girl was with me and when my family voiced the feedback of not approving of her size, I had a major panic attack. Couldn't perform at all, and ended it. I even found myself switching preferences over time from lighter skinned to darker skinned women. All of this stuff has scared me to death because of how the pmo dopamine shifted me. I'm not sure if it is all related to viewing porn rewiring my brain, or if it is just my natural preferences. Now, what do I do? I am 33 and trying to quit. I don't get a morning wood anymore. Had some testosterone flucutations - was in the mid 400s, then went down to 300 while experiencing a panic attack and then it went back up to the 400s. I met another girl, also a bbw, and was able to have sex - had an erection after some trouble and was able to enjoy it. But, I also noticed my emotional connection with a lot of dates has just fallen apart. Is it the porn? I don't know. I don't know if it's our world, covid, the porn, but I am scared. I appreciate you for reading the above. This is my story and I'm not sure where I am going in my life. I feel very lost. I really do. I'm clean a few day snow - never made it past 30 days or so. So, now it's just stay away from this crap and finally kick this habit and maybe get some normalcy back? I don't know...advice? feedback?