Most Important Decision Right Now

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Lucrative, Mar 27, 2021.

Tell Her?

  1. No

    5 vote(s)
  2. Yes

    10 vote(s)
  1. Lucrative

    Lucrative Fapstronaut

    I asked my girlfriend yesterday if there was anything that would keep her from marrying me. She said, "If you were addicted to porn". I didn't have a chance to comprehend it correctly to know whether she was joking or my mind literally played a trick on me. I greatly fear if I tell her about my situation, she will leave and I will enter a cycle of pain that makes the situation worse. I would rather recover and bring it up to her long after abstinence. What would you do in this scenario?
  2. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    It sounds like she already knows. Best to tell her
  3. It sounds like a big oof to me. I mean... Tell her.
  4. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Women I tell you they are witches, they know things, not always, but great intuition.

    Don't tell her, just use that as a big motivation to quit it.
    Because you are not going to marry her tomorrow right, so you have time to work it up.
  5. Chug

    Chug Fapstronaut

    This is her telling you “I already know, you don’t have to admit it, but cut that $**t out NOW.” And once you’re clean, don’t ever bother telling her. It won’t matter. How women know this, I have no idea. But my wife of 20 years knew *every* goddamn time I wanked. I have no idea how she knew. She just did.
  6. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    You hit right on the spot
    Chug likes this.
  7. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    Don't tell her but use this as a wake-up call. You will tell her after you will be recovered. She probably know.
    Chug likes this.
  8. Lucrative

    Lucrative Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for the responses. My plan is to recover and mention long afterwards. She is highly intuitive and we are practically the same person. Definitely taking it as a wake up call.
    CarP likes this.

    1ANDDONE Fapstronaut

    Easy. Quit watching porn.
    Slimjimjones likes this.
  10. luckydog

    luckydog Fapstronaut

    OP, I voted Yes, you need to tell her. Because 1) she deserves to hear the truth (she wouldn't have brought it up otherwise), 2) you deserve to be honest with yourself and others and 3) do you really want PMO to be a part of the rest of your life?

    As one who negotiated with PMO for 40+ years, and now have a 20+ year marriage in jeopardy, be a man and do the vulnerable thing. Admit to yourself, and to those close to you, that you need help and that you are willing to change.

    If I had the ability to go back in time, I would have been honest with myself and others, and get out of the PMO loop early on in life. The hours (and energy) that could have gone into worthwhile things is incalculable.
    MeTP likes this.
  11. Nexus7

    Nexus7 New Fapstronaut

    I think that you have everything to lose telling her that you have an addiction.... after all, you didn't killed anybody (I hope :D ).
    I don't think that every time a man looks at a girl with lust eyes, have to tell his girlfriend.. there are things that simple it's better don't tell anybody.
    The important thing is that you know that you have to stop and you try to quit. Telling her or not, will not stop you, if you don't want to stop. sorry for my bad English, byebye
  12. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    Be careful with confessing to her too quickly. Once I read a text about Anonymous Alcoholic recovery in term of confessing it to SO - the point is that it is better to be clean for 90 days and then tell "Honey, I have problem with addiction but I'm now 90 days clean, doing good and seeking further support in recovery" than be like 2-7 days sober at longest and confess in words like "I'm an addict, I need to find support and help (while indulging in weak moments into addiction patterns)".
    Lucrative, Nexus7 and ElSabio like this.
  13. luckydog

    luckydog Fapstronaut

    For those who think “my SO cannot handle it” of course any excuse will work to justify the lies, the shame, the self-loathing, and go right ahead.

    Why would you sabotage your own path to healing, to honesty, to get the Porn and Masturbation problem you struggle with out in the open? To get everything out in the sunlight, in the disinfecting rays, to get you to a place where fundamental change can take place?

    I am hardly 1 week into a porn-free life. I can talk with my spouse anytime, and do now, about how I feel and how I am doing about my addiction to pornography, without shame or lies or hiding.

    Last night I had a dream that I was watching porn on my phone, and was caught by my spouse. Woke up with the vivid feeling of shame and guilt and regret. Told her first thing in the morning- and of course all I need from her is a listening ear. No judgement, no worry, she didn’t need to even say anything. Felt awesome. No bottling feelings up anymore.

    I really, REALLY do not want to throw away a 20+ year marriage over PMO. I feel strong today, and know it will be a long road. Heck I’m only week 1 in, and am in “Monk mode” for the next 11 weeks. But this time around, after a 40-year struggle with pornography, it IS DIFFERENT. Starting with my spouse, continuing with an AP (2x daily check-ins), psychotherapy scheduled (first time in my life), NoFap group sessions (starting tomorrow), and daily journaling and meditation: this time it’s different.
  14. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

    Dont tell her ,sometimes telling is much worst

    For example, my parents always told me to say the marks i have and even if their bad they wouldnt be mad.......BULLSHIT ! So the bad marks i always never told, eventually they always discovered but it delays a bit the bad moment

    There are some stuff i will never tell people , like porn for example
    Nexus7 likes this.
  15. luckydog

    luckydog Fapstronaut

    The truth comes out one way or another. You can take the consequence of that truth now, or take it later, it's your choice.

    A really good book, whose lessons I am relearning in my leaving-PMO-for-good journey, is Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled. In it he talks about dedication to the truth, and in what circumstances it is acceptable to withhold the truth. The circumstance has to do all with the benefits to the recipient of the truth, not the benefits to the one deciding to hold onto it or not.

    I've hurt my spouse plenty enough as it is. Would I continue hurting her by further hiding my PMO struggles? Really?
  16. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut


    I understand your point and respect it, and honnestly its the better way to handle things to be far but at same time, speaking for myself, since kid i was always a bit of a liar, i always lied about non important things and eventually the majority of lies did helped me in some ways , dor example, cleaning the teeth, sometimes my mum asked me if i did that, i said yes dispite i didnt so she would be mad at me because of forgeting doing that, and i would secretly go wash my teeth

    Even today has 22 years old i lie to my parents , when we didnt had corona, i couldnt train because my parents were of risk and i could pass corona to them , but dispite that i did a secret train and never told them (eventually we all got corona but it was not because of that and were are fine now)

    Lie is a sin and i should be punished because of that but white lies , sometimes are understandable
  17. Lucrative

    Lucrative Fapstronaut

    This is a better way of thinking about it. Yes I will eventually tell her, but not too early. My last girlfriend told me, "I broke up with my boyfriend because he said he was addicted to porn". My current partner is also a high performer and has very little knowledge on addiction or inner struggle. We've talked about addiction in general and she can't comprehend it. However as @luckydog mentioned, the truth will come out, however I would rather be an incredibly long distance from addiction when that happens.
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  18. Overforme

    Overforme Fapstronaut

    What no one has mentioned is, porn in relationships is toxic and will cause the relationship to break down entirely. If you are suffering from a pmo addiction and perhaps another one on top of it as well.. good luck holding together a relationship. There isn't proof she knows you use porn, she could assume you do, as perhaps you display actions that tell her you are a porn user.

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