THIS IS MY THREAD WHICH I LINKED TO MY JOURNAL IT IS FOR KEEPING MYSELF MOTIVATED LINK TO MY JOURNAL IS- https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...al-my-last-journal.169702/page-2#post-1470931 IT DOSENT MATTER ANYMORE FOR THIS IS THE LAST TRY SO THINK NOTHING AND GIVE EVERYTHING I HAVE . So let me begin- So first about me-So i am a 23 year guy with no job not so focused on studies and most of the times confused with my career and my choices. (THATS NORMAL PERCEPTION THOUGH LOT HAS CHANGED IN THIS YEAR) I wanted to join defence from my childhood days (though i m underweight )but it was always in my mind, i did clear the written but could never clear the interview stage i.e SSB is what it is called.So i tried for MBA Last year did get reasonable marks in written and again could'nt clear the interview for my desired college.So now since i completed my graduation in 2015 and wasted 3 years till now, again i m trying to get a reasonable job, also since my background is maths i am gonna give exam for actuary though i know its long process thats why i am trying to get a job and also i m planning to do CFA but thats after i pass actuary exam.SO as u can see i m a dreamer but i think i will work it out(I HAVE TO....) HOW I WAS BEFORE I WAS INTRODUCED TO PORN?? So it was in 9th or 10th class that i was first introduced to porn because of certain factors like books and movies etc. and after 10th i got access to mobile phone and then there was no end to misery, so before porn i was always more expressive or oversensitive guy and was dreamer(i am still a dreamer!!) also i used to actually study and then porn was introduced and i just liked one thing i.e watching porn and i stopped studying and it was like i used to ask myself lets see how much worse it can become and guesss what???? I got my wish. WHAT STARTED HAPPENING AFTER I STARTED WATCHING PORN? Well one thing that i think happend was i stopped listening to my conscience and gave up myself to porn, i didnt fap till i was in my second year of graduation but nonetheless watched the porn like it was my water without which i could not live so no amount of data was enough and not just straight i wanted all types of videos and since i didnt fap i was always aroused.I just closed myself to everyone around me specially my family it was a time that i needed to give my best to them i.e 12th to graduation and i failed them thats all i think today and i feel how selfish i am to them to everyone that cared about me. Also i remember i blamed them for my failure and i remember i made my parents cry i was thrown out of one of best schools after my 11th and my parents were humiliated because of me and yet i didnt give a damn abot it, i was like in other world never listened to anyone. Sometimes i think what if i would have never forced my father to give me a phone and may be i had a little control over myself but alas ........its all past now something that i can never change so this is everything that happend to me after i started watching porn and wait i didnt mastribute at the time, u will know what P did to me WAIT NO ITS WHAT MY INABILITY TO CONTROL MYSELF FROM P DID TO ME. WHEN DID I REALLY GOT ADDICTED TO PORN AND WHEN DID I START MO ALONG WITH PORN? So it was in my second year of graduation till then i only used to see porn but never MO , so my freind made fun of me when while having conversation i told him i m not mature enough, so he said i should try it and that was the day i did it once and didnt feel like doing it again but still i faped because i thought i had become man now, and since alas!!!!!! It has haunted me ever since. WHAT HAPPEND TO ME AFTER I STARTED PMO ON DAILY BASIS? i.e PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. So talking about physical changes i never had a single spot on my face before but now my face was filled with rosacea like spots and they were so worse they looked like someone has hit me on my face.I had low energy and i could sometimes feel sound coming from my bones after i PMO one time i remember i did PMO and went to play football and in warmup exercise i could hear the sound of my bones from knees and my freinds also noticed it i did regret doing PMO and was also afraid that i may have done something to myself but time passed it healed and i was back on old ways. NOW talking about mental loss the worst one is loss of memory i.e i started forgetting names of people i met and i still have that problem and not able to find soln. on it, Also i had vary low concentration from beginning but it became worst after PMO and not to forget low confidence alwyas wanting to stay alone most of the time i still like to stay alone, i never backed of from fight before though i was small but it changed so much that now i dont like to get in to a fight even if i m right that was never the case before also i didnt fear big guys but now i just back of and listen to their verbal spat and just laugh i have gon blunt though my mind wants to fight them but now i dont get any energy or need to stand my ground my mind tells me like dont pay him any attention he is idiot but old me would have taught him a lesson without caring about consequences but now i just cant gather the strength. HOW WAS I BEFORE I JOINED NOFAP?? Well thats realy an motivating question since i made a lot of improvement after joining nofap. So as to answer it i never considerd PMO as addiction until it got under my skin(and here i mean like really gave me worst acne)because i tried sometimes stopping PMO without nofap well maybe for 10-12 days and my skin became better and i reaserched thats where i came to know about its bad effects on our body and as i have mentioned before i did suffered from many such ill effects i just didnt notice them or was fool to ignore them thinking it happens to everyone. WHEN AND HOW DID I JOIN NOFAP?? Well i got to admit i never liked this video which somehow found its way to my youtube about why nofap people are successful or something like that and after many times ignoring it i saw it or may be i just visited the site i dont remember really well but i had this in corner of mind that if i join this then i m agreeing that i m addict and as i thaught i m no addict i just thaught why not prove it (thanks to god) and thats when my journey began on NOFAP. WHAT CHANGED AFTER I CHANGED AFTER I JOINED NOFAP?? Well the simple answer to it is A LOT. Though i may not have been able to keep a long streaks but i have noticed that i have started to convince my mind to do what is right and what is needed at the momment and there is growing hunger to become better stronger me today than yesterday and acne is gone (ALSO THANKS TO MY AYURVEDIC DOCTOR). There is space in mind for many things now that porn is no more option on many days compared to previous where mind was filled with urge to see porn. There is change in attitude, lifestyle and health and ofcourse the mindset. So some things have been achieved some are on the verge and there are many more to come (THAT I FEEL CONFIDENT ABOUT). MY JOURNEY IN NOFAP. My journey in NOFAP hmmmmm so here i will tell u one thing lots of ups and downs as i got success till 73 days and falled back and got many positives out of it but struck again and still struck i thaught i was cured and left nofap after 73 days and realised it was mistake much later. Got many 10-20 streaks along with 20-30 few 30-40 and dont recall any 40-60 except the 73 day which i tell to myself that i can do it and i have it in me. WHERE DID I GET STRUCK IN NOFAP? So i remember on my longest streak my AP stopped visiting forum so i also thaught that i am also cured now but i failed to realise i was not doing what she was doing that is making good use of time that gets created after there is no room for PMO i just failed to understand i was just a lucky one because i was always PROCRASTINATING not following the timetable and never had clear plan it was just my AP that kept me in long run or my sense to not fail him(I still wonder how i did it) i was just waiting for time to pass without making good use of it. So as soon as SHE left i was back to beginning but now i notice it and this article is to remind me of that i.e become independent and walk the talk even this article should have been completed much earlier but i have failed. So i guess thats where i m struck. WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS I FACE IN MY STREAKS? First is as i go further there is less desire or lack of desire to cling to the aim. Forget the motive behind all the process. THIS ONE IS LATEST FOUND I.E PROCRASTINATION. New born attraction towards porn i.e i feel there may be some new P that i should watch. I tell myself i will only P and not MO though i know i never MO witjout P. Lose faith in myself. Inability wait...i have been using this word INABILITY BUT INSTEAD I SHOULD USE MY OWN DENIAL YES MY OWN DENIAL TO FOLLOW MY TIMETABLE . Denial to take measures when i sense the problem. Having this thaught lets see how long i can watch it and it starts. It starts with some comedy then some hot songs then XX followed by XXX and finally MO. Well there may be more but this are the ones i remember now but they all have roots and i have mentioned all of them here. WHAT MAKES RELAPSE??i.e MAJOR TRIGGERS. SO major triggers are as follows- loneliness as i m lonely most of the time. Depression well it eventually leads to in i think everyones case. Frustration Yeah i get frustrated and i damage myself which i much later realise and this one is most common for me . So this three are major ones i think. HOW I FEEL AFTER RELAPSE?? Let me tell u when u do it once and stop its frustration and want to do it more but when all is done and dust is settled then comes the worst part that is feeling that u r nothing and cant do anything to tell frankly feels like shit and takes a lot more than what it would have taken had it been controlled. WHAT I DO AFTER MY RELAPSE? Well i do many thing which have only one thing in common so i am gonna come straight to point i.e pass the time somehow though it includes getting up again but so far 90% is passing the time convincing myself. NOW BEGINS THE STRATEGY PART LET ME SEE WHAT I CAN GET OUT OF ME. Well the first thing is to tell myself that i deserve better than just fractional satisfaction:- Well thats the question i will have to ask myself IS IT REALLY WORTH IT ?? what if i get if i dont relapse what will happen to me if i dont watch porn will anything worst happen than my mind getting mad for some time NO THATS THE ANSWER NOTHING WORSE THAN THAT instead i will have next momment to fight for more goals and challenges to worry about than just the shitty porn. What lies Ahead of me ?? I thaught of many answers to this one but guess what the best one was CERTAINLY BETTER THAN WHAT POSITION I M IN AT THE MOMMENT AN ENDLESS OPPORTUNITY AND A BRAVE SOUL LIKE ME TO ACHIEVE THEM ALL(FORGIVE ME READERS BUT ITS CONVINCING PART I NEED TO KEEP MYSELF HIGH AND RAISE MY MORAL) My responsibility towards my family and no more running:- To tell the truth everything good happened or happening to me is because of my family and they deserve a lot lot more better than an addict which leaves me with only one option that is only succeed and give them anything and everything good that u can. BEING MORE RESPONSIBLE:- Being more responsible means being accountable for myself, walking the talk, trying hard to achieve every goal that i set up for myself and ofcourse living with the positive energy mindset and remembring consequences if there comes any hard time i.e thinking and preventing the loss at any cost. Setting target for me:- Well the target is bit tricky part but for now i will set myself three targets one ofcourse is PMO FREE LIFE,GAINING MY HEIGHT AND WEIGHT AND PASSING ACTUARY EXAMS. SO THESE ARE TARGETS WITH TOP PRIORITY. Making myself more self concious and serious about my goal:- Till this point i believe i will be more than self concious about my goal but still i know that i m better than this. P.S SO THIS ONE IS SUGGESTIONS BY MY FREIND IN WHICH HE SAID I SHOULD WRITE "what will happen if i dont quit porn?" So i thaught to myself that answer to this can be really long or just may be can be summarized in a sentence i.e "nothing but depression and negativity will replace hope and bright future". Also now i know mere raising motivation and consiousness and seriousness dosent work so for first time i m gonna introduce a new suggestion my AP gave me which gives me chills i.e fear factor and i think it might prove X FACTOR IN ALL THIS BECAUSE ITS LAST THING I WANT TO DO BECAUSE IT WILL BE MUCH MORE EMBARRASSING BUT I NEED TO TAKE EXTREME MEASURES NOW So its like this-(THE PUNISHMENT DOSENT MATTER ANYMORE BECAUSE ITS MY LAST TRY OR SAY CHANCE) EVERY TIME I RELAPSE AGAIN I WILL TELL TWO PERSONS NEAR TO ME ABOUT MY ADDICTION TO PORN.. Its the plan i have prepared and i believe my hardwork will bear fruits and i believe i will be able to free myself from this shitty PMO Habit. Thanks Any suggestions are really appriciated.