motivation ruined my motivation

ok so i am not "as addicted" as i was back in 2017, 2018 when i was PMOing 3 times every day (or every 2 days doing so) but i am still addicted to porn, i realized that in 2019. I had my longest 16 day streak back in 2020 around a year ago, in march. Then peeked a youtube video and went back to porn which made my motivation go away and i went back to porn, tried to keep it once a week, that became once every 3 days and sooner i found myself again PMO once or twice per day.

Then i refocused towards the end of 2020 and beginning of 2021, i am usually doing it once every 3 days, and almost never do i have the physical ability to do it more than once a day, i need at least a day break in between.

This last month i was getting back on track, had a 5 day streak and was getting really motivated... my morning woods were getting back, and they felt stronger than usual. My stupid brain told me lets try if you can maintain such erections with porn, and i tried. It worked. The erections were strong, i lasted long (more motivation because i have been working on fixing P.E the last months) and the orgasm felt amazing. This all motivated me. I felt like i was cured.

Instead of using this motivation to try to get even longer streaks, i used it to PMO more. Again did it once every 3 days, thej every 2 days, and even did it sometimes 2 times in a day (with a day or two break between). Then i felt demotivated again because i realized i put myself back in the trap again. My motivation ruined my motivation.

Anyways i will try to get a better streak again. I need to pass my highest record of 16 days, i want to get 90 days to fix my pied (its hard to get erections without seeing porn or other sexual pictures) and i want my morning wood back. Also, my penis muscles are stronger again but not completely fixed yet (if u press the penis muscles, the penis should jerk up on its own, for some time it barely did so, especially left side, now it is working again but needs more improvement).

i hope i dont fall into the same trap again, and good luck to you all too.

 

i also recently passed my exams and was able to have conversations with randoms without feeling too shy, gaining back my social skills, hope this motivates me more and that i use the motivation the right way this time.

 

first wetdream today in months
unfortunately also woke up before that from sleep paralysis which didnt happen in months

still no PMO and almost zero urges so far

 

day 4 no PMO

 

day 5 no PMO still going strong but my sleep patterns are fucked

 

i tried both cold turkey & trying to decrease usage over time, both end up with me going back to porn lol

i am starting to become more pessimistic each time i fail, maybe its just too hard as a single guy not to release any sexual tension, i remember when a few yrs ago when i was with my ex, i had no interest in porn neither any other girls, that seems to be the most reliant fix for me, to be in love with someone to the point i don't even feel the need to find intimate content elsewhere but ever since we broke up i havent fallen in love with anyone else yet, and this was like 6 years ago..

but regardless if im single or not, that doesn't mean i should allow myself too much sexual release either, and the problem is once i take one cookie, i want the whole cookie box

i lost at day 7, then did it twice within 24 hrs and now on day 2