Motivation

[Ozatm]

I was reading another thread which got me thinking about what motivates us to do or not do things. I feel that my greatest weakness is that I fail to find the proper motivation to my goals. And that if I could work out the correct motivation, I could do anything I set my mind to.

I try to lose weight because I'm told I need to do so to be healthy, or to look good. I'm told porn is bad, and so I try to stop using it. I keep reading about how I need to exercise more (or at all). Yet these reasons why are all external, I lack the internal motivation to see these changes through.

It is not a lack of willpower. I'm able to accomplish many difficult tasks (currently going back to college and getting straight A's). I gave up caffeine when I discovered I was highly sensitive to it. And trust me, there are times when I could kill for a cup of coffee. But because I have the internal motivation to accomplish these tasks, they are relatively easy.

Perhaps I do not value the goals that I fail to meet. If someone challenged me to eat nothing but celery for 90 days with nothing more than some vague promises that I'd be better for it on the other end, well I doubt I'd stick with it. On the other hand, if someone promised me $1,000,000 for the same feat, well I can all but guarantee success.

If anyone would care to share what motivates them to accomplish their goals, or what it is that they value in those goals, maybe that can help shed some light on why we succeed or fail in our own goals.

- Ozatm

PS In case anyone was wondering, you can find the thread that started the marble rolling here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-nofap-the-truth-about-this-community.149033/
I would recommend against reading it. It's mostly a rant by someone who disagrees with some of the opinions they encountered on the site. And rather than put forward their point of view in a constructive manner, they decided to say we're all idiots and they're leaving us. I must say that I kinda agree with some of their opinions, but certainly not with how they've gone about expressing them.

 

[Low]

"I try to lose weight because I'm told I need to do so to be healthy, or to look good. I'm told porn is bad, and so I try to stop using it. I keep reading about how I need to exercise more (or at all). Yet these reasons why are all external, I lack the internal motivation to see these changes through." So are you doing all those things because your being told that those things are bad or do you actually believe those things are bad? When I first started nofap i noticed that in the first 2 week my social anxiety was a lot better like 70% better and i had a reason to do it but now I'm lacking motivation to do nofap because its not helping my SA as much so i know were your coming from with the lack of motivation you really need to have a strong reason to do nofap in order to succeed in it. ps the post that was a rant was garbage i understand what he said about people wasting time on here but still people here have real porn addiction problems that guy was just a troll and i would not give him a second he expressed his opinion in a negative hateful way which should not be tolerated.

 

[letter]

Rather than trying to find motivation, think about training yourself to be motivated.

Because it is part of the action/reward loop in your brain, you need to teach your brain how to be properly motivated again. For me, something that really helped were finding real & powerful rewards to the actions I wanted to foster. This trained my motivation to expect a reward when I did a certain action.

 

[Deleted Account]

I've slowly been training myself to let go of the desire for motivation. In my opinion real strength is built from discipline, not motivation, since it takes strength to be disciplined; while motivation is just handed to you or requires very little effort. I've found the more I do this the more I start to view struggles and hardships as opportunities instead of obstacles.

 

[MyOwnControl2018]

Interesting take...I agree that Discipline is definitely the path to any achievement. But motivation is the gateway.

For example, I worked a really long day today (~13 hours). Was feeling tired and thinking I might go home and fap and eat some junk food. But on the train, I saw a dad feeding his mentally handicapped daughter. She kept spitting her food out and being difficult. He would just calmly pick up the mess and try again. Over and over...Imagine what his day must've been like

So that was motivation for me to be disciplined. I Came home. Cooked a decent meal with some greens and some pasta. Came on this forum instead of a porn site.

And definitely agree that viewing struggles as opportunities changes everything!

 

[WhoCares101]

For a long time I simply told myself "I am fat, there is nothing to do but die" or "I am alone, there is nothing to do but die", you know upbeat stuff. Then a year ago I found, after a lifetime of no motivation I finally said, " I want to loose weight because I want to live." I started a good diet (over 10 pounds a month and after less than a year I have lost over 100 pounds), and started pushing my comfort zone. Then I found nofap and it is helping give me more motivation to continue on. So my motivation is to simply live the life I have always been scared of reaching.
P.S. Ozatm since you said you struggle to loose weight, of are interested in a super effective, yet easy to manage diet that does not involve celery, message me for info. (Or anyone else)

 

[elevate]

The big changes mostly come from the seemingly boring, mundane, and small actions done over a long period of time.

Not the exciting, epic, highly motivated, and grand moments of life.

You don't change your body by doing a crazy weekend workout after being inspired by some movie. It happens over time when you decide to eat proper nutrition and a consistent workout rather than junk food and procrastination.

Motivation isn't something you want to be dependent on. A lot of things you do in life can be very important, but have no motivation to do. They can be scary, difficult, and a very long process. Motivation can run out. Repeated courage turns into competence. Repeated competence turns into confidence. Go through that process enough times and you'll see results. Those results become reference of the things you can accomplish when you're disciplined.

 

[Deleted Account]

Discipline makes you good at doing what you are told. Important, but not paramount for happiness. Strive for motivation instead: develop your own goals, and then become discipined enough to follow them, so the person you are answering to is yourself.

To get motivation, you need to prove to yourself that said activities are bad, which no one but you can do. You also need to have goals.

 

[Ozatm]

Discipline is great, when you're properly motivated. Otherwise you're just slowly draining your willpower and it is only a matter of time before that runs out. Unfortunately, motivation in our day to day lives can also wax and wane. But I still believe that it is the lynch-pin to success. Ignore it and every task becomes a herculean effort. They can be accomplished through shear willpower, but at great cost.

I agree that external motivation rarely works. True motivation comes from within, from finally deciding that something needs to change. And I guess that's my problem. Things are going pretty well right now. The "problems" I face are mostly artificial or imposed upon me by society (one of the areas where I agree with the rant). Could I be doing more? Absolutely. But I'm doing pretty good already and feel that many of the areas I want to improve in will see diminishing returns.

I'm not grossly overweight. My BMI is just outside of the "normal" range, and BMI is a notoriously bad measurement, though everyone still uses it. Could I be eating better? Probably. But compared to the average American, I'm doing pretty good.

I'm starting to exercise more (which more than none is not difficult), but not because society tells me I need to. I'm doing it so that I'll have more energy throughout the day.

Porn is a sticky wicket. Huge societal pressures saying how bad it is, though science is muddled on that point. I believe I have used porn problematically in the past and occasionally still do. But I'm beginning to deal with the underlying problems and don't feel that occasional use is all that terrible. Could I stop using it entirely? Probably. I went two years on probation without any porn. But not going back to jail was a pretty big motivation. Now that that is gone, I just don't feel the need to deny myself. Do I need to be aware of my actions? You betcha. But I don't see the need to wear a hair-shirt.

- Ozatm

 

[Joggyd]

For a long time I simply told myself "I am fat, there is nothing to do but die" or "I am alone, there is nothing to do but die", you know upbeat stuff. Then a year ago I found, after a lifetime of no motivation I finally said, " I want to loose weight because I want to live." I started a good diet (over 10 pounds a month and after less than a year I have lost over 100 pounds), and started pushing my comfort zone. Then I found nofap and it is helping give me more motivation to continue on. So my motivation is to simply live the life I have always been scared of reaching.
P.S. Ozatm since you said you struggle to loose weight, of are interested in a super effective, yet easy to manage diet that does not involve celery, message me for info. (Or anyone else)

Awesome story!!!! Keep it up and please keep sharing!!!

 

[franco216]

I was reading another thread which got me thinking about what motivates us to do or not do things. I feel that my greatest weakness is that I fail to find the proper motivation to my goals. And that if I could work out the correct motivation, I could do anything I set my mind to.

I try to lose weight because I'm told I need to do so to be healthy, or to look good. I'm told porn is bad, and so I try to stop using it. I keep reading about how I need to exercise more (or at all). Yet these reasons why are all external, I lack the internal motivation to see these changes through.

It is not a lack of willpower. I'm able to accomplish many difficult tasks (currently going back to college and getting straight A's). I gave up caffeine when I discovered I was highly sensitive to it. And trust me, there are times when I could kill for a cup of coffee. But because I have the internal motivation to accomplish these tasks, they are relatively easy.

Perhaps I do not value the goals that I fail to meet. If someone challenged me to eat nothing but celery for 90 days with nothing more than some vague promises that I'd be better for it on the other end, well I doubt I'd stick with it. On the other hand, if someone promised me $1,000,000 for the same feat, well I can all but guarantee success.

If anyone would care to share what motivates them to accomplish their goals, or what it is that they value in those goals, maybe that can help shed some light on why we succeed or fail in our own goals.

- Ozatm

PS In case anyone was wondering, you can find the thread that started the marble rolling here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-nofap-the-truth-about-this-community.149033/
I would recommend against reading it. It's mostly a rant by someone who disagrees with some of the opinions they encountered on the site. And rather than put forward their point of view in a constructive manner, they decided to say we're all idiots and they're leaving us. I must say that I kinda agree with some of their opinions, but certainly not with how they've gone about expressing them.

You bring up good points for a topic that is very relevant to me.

I had huge difficulties as a child (and all the way through my life to today) to adequately deal with things like rules, external pressure and often goals that I have set for myself. Very often I suffered from the feeling of inadequacy with this parental voice in my head: "How can you fail at such a simple task as ...". Tasks that were/are particularly difficult to me include things like homework (I successfully went through school without doing any homework whatsoever during the first 8 years), income tax declaration, cleaning my fridge and throwing out rotten stuff.

Sometimes those difficult tasks are kind of private things and my "sloppiness" was something I could laugh about - because other rather important things I managed quite disciplined, like finding a job.

And at other times my lack of discipline is actually problematic.

For quite some time I followed this logic

There is no such thing as discipline. I do the things I want to do. "Forcing yourself" to do something is nonsense.

I don't believe this anymore, however: It is still true on a certain level. It's a little bit like a Buddhist mantra like "everyone always does the best they can do". And as a method the above statement is still valuable. Whenever I'm unhappy with how things develop (eg because of my inaction, or because I relapsed), I like to seriously ask myself:

What is it I actually want?

This isn't a simple question. Whenever I gain insight into myself this way, I manage to align the different forces of my mind and regain focus, which is awesome.

When I think about what I actually want, there is no discipline, there is no external want. What others want doesn't matter because I can decide not to care about them if i want. Any goals I set for myself in the past don't matter, because I can decide to abandon them if I want. What god wants for me, doesn't matter because I do what God wants if I want. What is morally right doesn't matter, because I decide to do what is morally right if I want. Duty and responsibility don't matter because ... well you get the drill.

It is actually through nofap that I rediscovered the virtue of self-discipline. It is still an interesting philosophical question in how far I can discipline myself and what that really means, but the effects of practicing self-discipline eg with cold showers, workouts, ultimately: nofap are overwhelming. The there is no such thing as discipline philosophy kind of leads to a dead end in practice. While the psychologists are still working on a proper concept of will power, I try to get my act together and do whatever helps.

Now back to what you wrote:

Yes, it is indeed amazing what you can achieve when your motivation is right. And exactly because it is so easy - once the motivation is right - I would always talk about motivation first and about discipline afterwards. Imaging you can convince yourself to stay at a job or your partner by an effort of self-discipline only to figure out years later that the job or the partner is not what you actually ever wanted! What a tragedy! You only have this live, so better do what you actually want! Don't push yourself through stuff you don't like just to prove something to yourself - no-one's gonna care for your self-inflicted suffering.

And then, once you grow a certain confidence about your proper goals - goals that are not external and foreign but really your own - then you want to use discipline as a means to be effective in whatever you set out to achieve. And when it's tough and you start to question everything use your discipline to break through the wall. You can still, every day, repeat the mental exercise of asking yourself what you actually want - if you like. There shouldn't be any fear that you get distracted by too much reflection. Imagine a relationship where you honestly chose you partner every day - not because you overwrite your doubts with a previous commitment that, but because you want it in that moment.

I want to reach a point where I don't want to fap despite the craving. Only then, I believe, I will really win the fight and put the demon to rest.

I am ware, though, that there's no guarantee that I will ever reach that point. I followed the story of a heroin addict quite closely and he bluntly admits that he is addicted forever. Only now he copes with his addiction without actually taking the drug. So if I stay a porn addict, self-discipline will always be important so I can cope and live my life in the way I like.

 

[Ozatm]

You make some very good points @franco216 . I was just reading an article about mindfulness and self-acceptance which was making a similar point. That to be happy we should become better at knowing what we want, and who we are, and to be able to accept those for what they are. That's not to say we shouldn't strive for self-improvement, but rather that we must be realistic about our goals and acknowledge the reality of our situation.

Too often I have made goals based upon what others have said I should want. I've tried to work on figuring out what I want, but I find it difficult. Probably because it just hasn't been something I've really thought about before. I feel that our desires (and not those of others) are what is key to motivation. If we don't actually want to make a change, then that change will not happen (or won't last).

I agree that self-discipline is important. I did not mean to suggest that it wasn't. Rather, I feel that it should not be relied upon as the only means of accomplishing a goal. If you want to run a marathon, your determination to do so alone will not be enough, you still have to train for it. And that is how I think of motivation. It is the work we put in beforehand to ensure success in our goals. We need to figure out what is important to us, why we want to make a change, how we're realistically going to accomplish that goal, and what combination of punishments and rewards we can use to help make it easier to do so.

We don't get anything extra by making a goal harder to reach. And I've come across nothing that makes a goal easier to reach than finding the proper motivation.

- Ozatm