My story... Warning, not holding this back, so may contain triggers... Not really sure how to go about journaling... I should start at the beginning, but I can't remember the first time I hurt due to my husband's porn use. It has been painful from the start. I remember seeing a crap ton of porn on his computer when I first moved in. Figured, well he had been single for a while makes sense. I remember realizing he continued to look at it a lot... I remember feeling frustrated with our sex life and his inability to hold an erection... I remember noticing that what he looked at was increasing in intensity... I remember feeling betrayed, lied to... I remember feeling inadequate... Feeling unloved... Unappreciated, unworthy... unsexy... I am struggling to think of a time when I didn't feel this way! I have been with my husband 15 years, married for 13. I struggle to remember a time when I didn't feel like shit. Though if I am honest most of these feelings started long before I met my husband. Poor self esteem has been a huge emotion for me for as long as I can remember. About 3 and a half years go I saw that my husband tried to contact someone to meet up with, using a message board for people with fetishes and kinks. He originally told me he was just meeting with her to find ways to introduce this lifestyle to me (oh just wait he tries to use that bullshit again). We went to counseling, we added date nights, I lost 40 pounds... And I said I was fine with him looking at porn and his fetishes, as long as he didn't contact someone. I wasn't fine, but I was afraid he would choose porn over me... 1 week and 1 day go, I knew something was off... I didn't know what, but I could feel him distancing from me. This has hppened over and over. I would be busy, tired, or just wouldn't be there for him and he would detach from me. We would go into periods where we were just roommates- coparenting... I could feel it spiraling, so I decided to create an account to attempt to catfish him. I wanted to see if he would respond to someone asking to meet or communicate. I created a fake email me account on a site he often visited. Even went as far as to start joining groups so I would look legit. I broke down and realized that I couldn't go through with it... And didn't want to see if he would fall for it. I called him and talked to him about my worries of us falling apart (I was at a conference). When I got back we talked, we shared ways of incorporating his kinks in a way I felt comfortable. I felt better, like he listened to my concerns. He promised he hadn't and wouldn't contact anyone ever. The very next day, not even 12 hours from when he promised he never had or never would contact someone... my life shattered! I went on his computer to look up recipes, even texted him a picuture of our supper marinating. I went on an account that he used to share pictures and saw a message from a person who wanted my husband "plugged and locked" and asked how he was doing. My husband responded saying he was good, burning time at work, and asked "any dirty kinky thoughts" My husband continued by saying he made progress with me- the person asked how and I stepped in at that time and started messaging this person as if I were my husband. I later told this person that I was the wife and found out that this Person was training my husband's sissy side. My husband denied that he was cheating. He claimed he was trying to find ways to involve me with the sissy side that he wanted to explore. seriously what a fucking stupid explanation! Really? i had told him before I wasn't interested in Sissy stuff (he wants to be controlled, humiliated, forced to do things... I don't understand it!) so he thought if he tried it out on his own he would decide if he should try to encourage me... He had other equally as stupid explanations and was pissed that I didn't believe him. I wanted to scream do you think I am that big of a fucking idiot... But honestly I had been for YEARS! I was worried tht I would lose him if I didn't. I moved some of his things to another room, and told him we would pretend everything was okay until my daughter left for camp two days later, but he was not welcome in our bedroom. I told him the next week he would need to move out and I was filing for divorce. That night we had supper as a family without devices. My husband made promises and plans with our kids. I saw him in a way tht I hadn't in so long. I decided I needed to try for my kids. So that is about where we are now... I tried to find a support group for us, but everything was a bit too religious for my husband. And I don't think my husband truly feels he is addicted... He feels that looking was just him being "curious". He has an account on here. We agreed to no Pornography at all and only masturbation or orgasms with me. We have a lot to do. I am overwhelmed, but found great resources and lists from here already. Looking into counseling options too. I am so relieved to have found this forum. I feel like for the first time we are creating a plan tht we can actually follow. In the past we would say we will try to do this... Spend time together... Look at porn less and so on... But they were just empty promises. What we wanted to happen but never followed through with. I am feeling hopeful for the first time in a LONG TIME!