My 21 year addiction ends today (well 2 days ago...)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by roaringdog, May 14, 2020.

  1. roaringdog

    roaringdog Fapstronaut

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    Okay, so like many other first posts in this forum, this might be a bit long but please bear with me. I am a 35 year old man with a 21 year old addiction to pornography. My affliction has taken many forms and expressed itself in many ways, from anal, to lesbian, to teens and eventually (causing the most hurt to me) transwoman porn. It has become so bad recently that I cannot stop thinking about transwomen 24/7, so much that it has affected who I am, as a parent and a husband.

    To start, I was about 13 or 14 when I first encountered internet port. A neigbour of ours, who was a couple of years older, had recently installed "the internet" in their house. He called around to ours and showed us a few pictures of naked women that he had downloaded and printed off his computer. I had seen pictures before and remember a few dirty scenes on TV, so it wasn't exactly new to me. But a couple of the pics he showed were quite strange to me - one was of a girl with a dick in her ass. I wondered why it was in there and he told us "yea they can do that". I just remember after that being fascinated with the idea of anal sex. It seemed so naughty and taboo. After getting our own internet installed soon after (with some convincing by my brother!!!), I found myself logging on after school to download pics of teens, lesbians, anal, and some vanilla too. Over the years I never really thought anything of it.

    But it wasn't all porn at the time, I was able to use my imagination when I needed. Sarah Michelle Gellar was just starting out in Buffy and I though about her every tuesday after 8pm. Jennifer Anniston would bounce on top of me as I sat on the toilet seat with the shower running. Saturdays were Baywatch days, say no more. You get the drift, normal teenage years right??

    After school, when I moved out of home, I would always buy a top shelf magazine to keep me going for a few weeks. But I mostly would just use my imagination. I never really had a girlfriend during my teens, and only remember getting off once from a girl. I could never figure out why girls didn't like me. Was I just ugly, no confidence, smelly and unhygienic? Well yes, I know that now, but back then I never knew. It troubled me a lot that my friends had all lost their virginity and I was still waiting for the right girl. Tbh, I was always looking forward to doing it in her ass. At school and in the streets if a girl was walking front of me or across the street I would stare at their asses, hoping that nobody caught me. Later that night, I would fantasize about banging their ass.

    I got caught up in smoking a lot of pot when I was 18, and this dragged me into a pit of depression and self loathing. I climbed out after a year, got a girlfriend who I fell in love with very quickly and vowed never to go back to smoking pot. We've been together for 16 years, married and two kids. But I've done a lot of stupid and bad things during these years. After moving in together and getting a laptop with internet, I was back online, in secret of course, searching my favourite fetishes - Lesbian, anal and teen. This soon adapted into all three being searched at the same time, resulting in my first viewing of strapon porn. Although it was a new concept and a huge turn on, I didn't think it got too problematic for me. But then one day, I'm not entirely sure how, but I found it - transwoman porn. It was a very blurry video of two very feminine girls. I didn't even realise they were trans until they rolled over and the dicks were flopping. At first I thought it was funny, but as they were so feminine I kept watching. I didn't jack off to it cos I thought it was wrong but I came back searching for it the next day. This lead to finding more and more, Thai girls were my favourite. As long as they were convincingly looking like girls they would get me off. I actually preferred 2 transwomen together or solo, rather than with a guy. I could just never concentrate or get off if there was a guy with his balls flapping all over the screen. Strange isn't it?? It had to be feminine, any resemblance to a guy would be a complete turn off.

    After every orgasm I would feel absolute shame and disgust with myself. "What the hell am I watching?", "this is so stupid. I'm not watching that again!!". But over the years I constantly found myself coming back for more. I used to start the search for some lesbian or anal and quickly switch for a trans search instead. As time went on I slowly started to realise that I might have a problem with it. I just couldn't resist this cutie asian girl with a hard cock bouncing up on down, knowing she was actually enjoying it. And that's the thing. When watching the lesbian or any straight porn, I hated it when the girl faked their orgasm. For me it had to be real, she really had to be into it. With the transwomen, I guess that was part of the turn on. They just loved sucking and fucking and it showed how much better they were than the cis girls.

    I got to know all the best models by name, I won't give them out to tempt anyone here but there was one in particular who I kept coming back to. I would try and stay away from transwoman porn for a while, to re-wire my brain, to get a sense of normal sexuality but I couldn't stop thinking about her when I got horny. Anyone with a transwoman fetish will know her - Jane Marie. My god she was hot. She was my weakness. I knew I had to stop though but the most I would ever get was 2 weeks. I checked out noFap after hearing about it but I never signed up. I just read a few forum posts about others experience and thought it might help. But it really just helped validate my decision to keep watching transwoman porn. I thought, "well I'm not the only one, so I might as well, it's not a big deal and if they're not gay I'm not gay". That was something that popped up every time too. I've often questioned my sexuality ever since I first started watching porn, even before the transwoman stuff. I've watched some gay porn here and there but never found a real attraction to it and often got turned off by it before I could finish.

    All this fantasising and curiosity eventually got the better of me. About 4 years ago I started searching for TS escorts in my area. I'd look up their profiles and think maybe I should try it to see if I like it. Just to verify with myself. I know it sounds ridiculous and stupid but in the end I couldn't help myself and I called one up to go and meet. When I got in the door, I immediately looked at her face and could see the masculine features. It made me feel uneasy but I was determined to proceed. I'd prefer not to go into the details right now but I can just say it was not a nice experience, never mind the fact that I'd just cheated on my wife. In fact it was horrible, I'm gonna be honest here. Kissing her felt bland, her tits were fake, sucking her dick didn't turn me on and I barely even got hard the entire time. I walked out of there feeling utter guilt, shame and disgust and vowed never to do it again. As the emotions subsided, later I felt a strange sense of relief. "At least now I know I don't actually like it, and it's just a fantasy", I thought.

    But as weeks and months went by, I got back into the transgendered person porn again. Searching for newer models, different positions, Aubrey Kate was another fave. After some time I thought I'd give it another try, meet a different TS escort this time. I thought I'll be more relaxed. So I called another one to meet up in her hotel room. She was more feminine and attractive. But then I went down on her and she submitted me until she came in my mouth. I felt disgusted again, but I didn't say anything. I had convinced myself that this is what I wanted and I should be enjoying this. After all I payed 150 quid for the privilege. Again I couldn't get it up. Again I left feeling disgusted with myself and vowing never to do it again.

    But I did.
    Twice more in fact over the next 2 years, and both experiences were pretty much the same again. I would always go back to my computer when no ones at home and turn on the incognito browser, grab some toilet paper and search for some hot anal hardcore transwoman teens. Still always thinking maybe I'll visit another escort and it'll be different this time.

    Throughout all of this I've never really considered how my wife would feel if she ever found out, either the porn or the escorts. I know she would leave me and I couldn't blame her. But just how heartbroken she would be that I have done this and gone this far. Jesus, this is eating me now writing this. But I need to get it off my chest. I wish I could go back and not sleep with those escorts, they did nothing for me.

    I've really started to realise over the past few months the scale of my problem and what effect it has had on my confidence in life. On a pornhub search one day, I found a new upload of my favourite model - Jane Marie. From what I know she starred in a few films years ago then went into escorting (never got to meet her), now it seems she has a few new films out again. And boy was I shocked - she looks terrible. All plastic and just worn out. I hate to say that about somebody but I was instantly turned off by her. It got me thinking more though, is this the future for all TS pornstars and escorts once they get to a certain age? I started to feel sorry for them. I thought about the escorts I was with and how dejected and lonesome their lives might be. I could even sense it in a couple of them when I was with them. They knew I was married. One told me not to worry, 90% of the guys that come to see them are married. I knew there was no future for me with transwomen but I couldn't turn the porn off or get it out of my mind. I'd watch some transwoman porn now and feel like they're throwing their lives away. They went through years of hormone drugs and surgery to look like this and use it to make money fucking on camera for the world to see. Imagine how hard it must have been to tell their parents and friends and go through school. The mental depression they would have battled to try and be accepted like any other woman. All that just to be treated as a sex object. Sometimes I just wonder if some of them are really just gay guys looking for a few quick easy bucks...

    So I've come to the conclusion, I'm not gay and I need to accept it and move on with my life. I have no attraction to guys sexually. I've thought about it in real life I look around at guys I know or guys in the pub and I just cannot picture myself doing that. I know you might be thinking "well if you're thinking about it, and you've done it with TS escorts, then you must be gay or bi". But I just know that I could not live or settle down with anyone other than a cis girl. I have absolutely no desire to hook up with a guy or run off with a transwoman for life. The only reason I hooked up with TS escorts was they looked feminine in their pics, I wanted to find out if I would enjoy it. I didn't!

    It has taken me so many years of anxiety to realise this and the only way I can see forward is by abstaining from porn for life - no transgendered people, no gays, no anal or lesbian or anal strapon lesbians again. I need to wire my brain to think straight and put my life in line. I don't think I will ever tell my wife about my wrongdoings. She may find out but I hope she doesn't. You might think she deserves to know and she deserves better than me but that's fine. What I did was stupid and wrong and I can't take it back. I wish I could. I wish it didn't take me so long or to go so far to realise what I need to do to cure myself of this anxiety, but this is what is in front of me now.

    Two days ago I decided that was it. I'm quitting internet porn for life. The most I'd ever gone was a couple of weeks but I am preparing myself for the next 21 years+ no matter what comes before me. I have a lot of making up to do and I will get to that soon. My priority right now is looking after myself and staying on track.

    Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I'd be interested to read if anyone has a similar story and what advice you have for me.
     
    Lexaed likes this.
  2. righthand

    righthand New Fapstronaut

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    Dude i felt sorry for you, even tho im still porn addict, im very gratefull that you are come back to your normal sense, i hope you well get soon bro and may god bless u too...
     
  3. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

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    It sucks being exposed to porn when your young and having it corrupt your sexuality as you age. Been there.

    It's great that your ready to kick it for good now though. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.
     
  4. roaringdog

    roaringdog Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys, yea it's been a weird few days for me. I get the urge now and again to turn on incognito but haven't been finding it difficult. I know it will get tougher though. Righthand I hope you can find the strength to stay porn free soon. Set yourself some goals alongside nofap, like exercising or learning a new hobby. And stay away from drink and drugs for a while, they'll only get you down.
     
  5. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Tell your wife. It's the first step in healing.
    If you love her she deserves the truth.
     
  6. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    I want to add the shame you feel of what you did will eat you alive and send you right back to porn to self medicate all the anxiety, fear and turmoil you feel..
    Will your wife leave you? Good chance. Maybe not?
    You won't get better unless you unburden the guilt you feel. Laying it out on a message board is an emotional dump that will not heal the root of your issues.
    Good luck.
     
  7. oldpunk

    oldpunk Fapstronaut

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    @roaringdog, in many ways my story is quite similar to yours. Already when I was young teenager (I'm 43 now) I developed some sort of obsession for girls' asses and anal sex. Pretty much all of my fantasies about neighborhood girls or girls in my school revolved around anal sex. I guess it's fair to say that I have lived with that damn obsession for almost 30 years. That's damn long time now that I actually wrote it here.

    I have never been with TS escorts, but during past five years I have visited escort for exactly 109 times (yes, I have document with dates about it). In nine out of ten cases I fucked them in the ass and if some escort was not in mood for that I felt instantly disappointed. The relationship with my ex-SO never really worked and even though she never found out about my little secret each visit to escort made me sink deeper into my guilt. At first I convinced myself that I needed that kind of sexual release, but the more I visited escorts the more sad and broken I felt. Eventually I divorced and my last visit to escort was about four months ago. Never again.

    So here I am, 23 days porn free and determined to continue on that route. I'm in a new relationship now and I really want to be good man for her. I don't want to hurt no one anymore, not her, not myself. I suffer from ED problems (I get strong morning erections, but years of porn and edging has left me with inability to get properly excited with real woman). Anyway, I can manage it with ED drugs somehow. I hope that eventually, after a lot of rewiring, I get rid of those drugs, but if I won't; so be it. The only thing that matters is that porn and escorts are not part of my life anymore. I am determined to be good man for my loved one, man she can be proud of. I feel really lucky for having her in my life.
     
  8. roaringdog

    roaringdog Fapstronaut

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    Yea you might be right, but it has already eaten me alive. It eat me alive every time I logged into incognito. But the way I see it, that was not me. That was a different person. Nobody needs to know that I was watching porn and I can't understand how people believe part of the healing process is telling the world about your problems. The world doesn't need to know because it's not their problem. I hope you understand I'm not trying to justify what I did in any way. I know I'm no angel, but I just want to get on with my life. I'm sick and tired of the piece of shit I've secretly become. I'm not saying I won't relapse, I hope to fcuk I don't. I just need to get my brain wired right before I can decide what I need to do. This is going to take a lot of discipline I know, but I can't go back to my old ways again or I'm heading down-cliff!
     
  9. roaringdog

    roaringdog Fapstronaut

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    Haha yea from 14-18 it was insane how much I fantasised about other girls like that while my friends were actually getting laid. I'm pretty sure I was one of only a few people in our class who had the internet at home, so it was an easy access for a cheap quick thrill for me. I've been reading the forums and just found out about edging and the damages it can do to your brain and sexual performance. It makes so much sense now. I've been suffering ED for the past 6 years but I feel like I've always had trouble getting it up quickly or keeping it hard for longer.

    Man that's a LOT of escorts to be with. I hope you can stay clear from them too.
     
  10. oldpunk

    oldpunk Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I have had quite severe ED problems for very long time too. For so many years I was sure that I just happened to be a type of guy who needed a lot of manual stimulation to get erect. But now, looking back, I understand that my consumption of porn surely had its impact on that too. Based on my regular morning woods I know there’s physically nothing wrong with my dick. It’s all in my head. I’m sure eventually it will get better, but as my history with porn and edging is rather long I know it’ll take a lot of time.

    Regarding escorts, I have absolutely no intention to visit them anymore. I don’t even want to. It might feel physically good for a brief moment, but it leaves you so empty and broken from inside. I have hurt myself enough already.
     
    roaringdog likes this.

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