My 30 day self improvement journal

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Fighter_4_life, Jul 12, 2020.

Can I do 180 degree change?

  1. Yes

    59 vote(s)
  2. No

    2 vote(s)
  1. Cirilla

    Cirilla NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    You’re doing great! Nice to see Lavendaire here, love this girl
  2. Jarad999

    Jarad999 Fapstronaut

    Your doing great! :)
  3. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Day 20
    Target 1: MENTAL

    - breathing exercise: 5 minutes
    - mindful meditation 12 minutes
    - body scan 5 minutes

    - not practiced in morning
    - excellent quality

    I had fallen asleep asleep during meditation,and I liked it that way


    -Watched a spiritual video ❌

    -Watched a video related to self improvement obviously lavendaire video about creating your dream life.. I love journal prompts


    Maladaptive daydream =0%
    Ruminations /intrusive thoughts =0%

    Excessive past reflection =50%

    - woke up at 3 am
    -workout not done
    I didn't have time :(

    - 3 hours study
    - 10 minutes Spanish learning from duolingo
    - cleaned my room.

    Also made a stick to do time table

    -Quran (Arabic +English)
    -5/5, 3/5 on time, missed zuhr due to sleep and Magrib as I was busy..
    -Prayed night prayers - felt amazing
    -Prayed fajr on time

    Score 14/17


    Like I said I suffered from OCD and the best treatment for that was ERP (exposure and response prevention) so I started talking to my crush who caused this state to me.
    Counter intuitive but it works..
    I was finding it hard to forgive him but now I have forgiven him completely and I am moving on
    He likes to talk to me and we occasionally call etc.. He seems (or acts) very respectful to me.

    I hope he doesn't like me because honestly I have no feelings for him and I have trust issues over him that he can never solve.
    But as we know honesty is not the best policy and this guy is such a lier he doesn't even deserve honesty..

    Moreover to get rid of OCD I have to do ERP for at least 12-16 weeks ie 3-4 months ie I have to stay in contact for 2-3 months..

    I read somewhere that ERP is bad but living with OCD is hell..

    I dont care if he thinks I like him.. I don't..
    I am just healing myself

    This is against my principles as I never strand someone but who care this guy was/is player anyways...
  4. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Thanks Ciri :)
    More to follow
    I love that girl as well.. She is so filled with positivity and productivity
    Thanks a lot Jared :)
  5. Hey @Fighter_4_life Congratss great going .
    And BTW dont get hurt but could you please tell me what is fajr and also, i have the people who follow the muslim practise are very particular
    @Thors could you please tell me how to wake up early ?
  6. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Thanks you so much..
    Fajr is morning prayer.. The one we pray right at the starting of dawn..
    But it is valid only before rising of sun..
    So if I wake up after rising of sun the prayer is invalid..

    So i needed to wake up early to pray fajr on time
    Which is something I really struggle
  7. TheStranger

    TheStranger Fapstronaut

    The simplest way to wake up early is to sleep early. Before you sleep, be sure to exhaust yourself physically and do not drink any sort of caffeine because that keeps you awake for a while (or might have the opposite effect sometimes to some people) and something that helps me personally wake up in the morning is that I have a purpose to do so which is to pray fajr. However, I do not sleep and instead,stay awake till fajr. If I wanted to wake up at fajr, I'd need to sleep at 8-10 PM to wake up at that time. But It's very unlikely to happen since it seems that I'm more of an Owl than anything else. I wish you luck in your endeavors.
  8. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Day 21
    Target 1: MENTAL

    - breathing exercise: 5 minutes
    - mindful meditation 0 minutes
    - body scan 15 minutes
    - not practiced in morning
    - excellent quality


    -Watched a spiritual video ✔️
    -Watched a video related ✔️ to self improvement obviously lavendaire video about creating your dream life.. I love journal prompts
    -watches recovery video from
    My notes from

    -improve concentration =
    Meditation etc etc
    -find time for leisure and sports
    I wonder what sports I will pay for during lockdown.. I m living an Unproductive sedentary lifestyle. Poor me.. Might go for long walk and runs. Something that I can do in my compound...


    Maladaptive daydream =0%
    Ruminations /intrusive thoughts =0%
    Excessive past reflection =60%
    I was really Overthinking yesterday like of extreme level.
    I think this is side effects of leaving the addiction.
    I got email (as I subscribed) from Universal man and here is what it said :

    If lack-of-focus is an issue for you, quitting p*rn should be high on your agenda.
    When watching p*rn, same neurochemicals that you need for laser-sharp focus get burned like flashpaper.

    Explains many things

    - woke up at 6. 30 am
    -workout not done

    - 0hours study
    - 0 minutes Spanish learning from duolingo

    - cleaned my room.

    Also made a stick to do time table

    -Quran (Arabic +English)
    - 3/5 on time, missed fajr and Magrib

    Score 10/17
    58.8% really low score

    Things with my crush :
    1) yesterday i had I talk with that guy and I told him about my mental state. He kinda understood it was coz of his action (which he was still in denial about) but he was trying to help me in his own ways which won't work.

    Real thing is that I loved him very much and he wanted to exploit me at that time ( why? Coz he was into pmo addict +player + he felt that I was cheating with a competitively rich guy= ego hurt )
    I wanted to be with him despite all he did
    And that state of constant fear and codependency made my suffer from masochistic disorder and Ptsd + Ruminations +...
    I loved him until I could no longer endure the pain of repeatly masochistic fantasies and mental health I realized how messed up i was. Felt put of love and started hating him

    but he will never accept it.. he can't fix it

    But he is being respectful (I don't know why?) but I don't really feel he loves me.. He is too messed up to love..
    He is acting and so am I..
    He is like in a process to find who I am? Like getting out the details.. And i really feel that he can easily play innocent girl..
    He is a good player but I am better in recognizing him.. Obviously I did a lot of self evaluation so that I could heal my codependency + love addict before I made a move to talk to him..
    I am really really strong, assertive and quick to understand mentality of the other person..
    I wasn't like this.
    I could be very easily fooled .
    I love the growth though

    He does feel bad about hurting me though. And I feel it easy to forgive him and move on.
  9. TheStranger

    TheStranger Fapstronaut

    You must move on from this. This will keep holding you back,fighter. You can do this. You can heal and go beyond someone great. Believe in yourself.
  10. Zeezee

    Zeezee Fapstronaut

    Hey there sis. I just want to say that I don’t really know your situation a hundred percent so pardon me if I am wrong or say something that comes off as rude/ignorant

    i am very happy For you that you have come such a far way, and that you are getting strong with each day. Not only have you managed to fully understand your situation, your mistakes and your mental state, you have made an active effort to overcome all your obstacles in a way that many of us are not able to do.

    However, this particular part of your post has got me a little worried for you. I get that you are talking to that guy in order to heal and move on, but are you sure that talking to him is a good move? How can you find healing in talking to him when he has been the source of your pain? Sis the problem is, that even though you know your boundaries very well Alhamdulillah, talking to that guy is still a dangerous zone. You may not be in a relationship with him nor do you plan to be in one, but as long as you are talking to him, that door will always be open. You must understand that Shaitan is always around the corner, looking for chances to confuse us in what is right and wrong.

    You must get out of this situation and close this door as soon as possible, and find another way to move on and cope with the trauma, something that doesn’t involve that guy. I pray Allah makes things easy for you.

    -your sister in faith, Zee.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2020
  11. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    No sister I always treasure your advice

    Thank you so much by the will of allah.
    Living in denial is very dangerous.
    And i am glad that allah has helped me see the truth even if seeing the truth hurts but seeing it really helps me.

    Even I was confused for a long time..
    About it
    They say ERP is dangerous but living with OCD is worse...
    I had him blocked for months..
    And since Jan I tried to heal the trauma in my own way but nothing helped me.
    Then i realized apart from addiction I was dealing with OCD +Ptsd and Exposing yourself to dangerous situations to ease pent up anger, fear, anxiety is best solution.

    But i knew before I could face him I had to work on strengthening my boundaries which I did..

    Till Aug I must say a part of me still believed he has feelings for me but talking to him I realize more day by day he just loves his long term ex..

    And that gives such a closure sister even though I feel bad whatever I put myself through (this addiction and mental health)while being in denial about him while seeing the truth with my eyes...
    I was very much backward rationalizing his actions. Wallah
    But i forgive myself for my mistakes..

    It is juts I wanna forgive him n move on.. Get a good streak and get going..

    Even I fear sometimes..
    But i honesty don't have any feelings for the guy and nor do I stay in relationship nor does he propose.. Just friendly chat and helping each other in assignments etc...
    In sha Allah i will keep your advice in mind..
    Whenever you are free PM me..
    Will discuss in detail over there...

    May allah bless you for your kind words and help..
    I will pray for you sincerely.
    Thanks zee
  12. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Sorry Ppl no updates..
    I am really going through bad withdrawals..
    Will be more regular..
    No more Updates from my s*rewed up love life
    I am done with even thinking about him..
    Time to focus on my life, self improvement and goals..

    New vibes
    New life
    New love (after sometimes hopefully)
  13. TheStranger

    TheStranger Fapstronaut

    You'll make it. I believe in you.
    The problem is that I'm not sure how this crush thing works. I went to boys only elementary/middle school/High school. I'm pretty sure it isn't Haram to LOVE but it is Haram to act on that fake feint of love. I mean, look where it got you. That's in no way the love you sought the first time you felt it. My explanation (not really mine but I did end up believing it more than any other explanations) is that true love starts after marriage because that's when you start living your life with that person.
    Like I said above, it might not be the love that you're trying to seek. There will be a time for love as there will be a time for everything to take action in our lives.
  14. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Sorry Thors for replying you late..
    And as always I am glad for yore streak and happy for your constant support..
    I insanely agree with all the words you said. My new aim is to please the creator and remove bad habits from my life and be more productive...
    In sha Allah i will move forward
  15. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Final update :

    My mental health :
    Alhumdulillah I have healed, my Ptsd is mild, no Ruminations, OCD is very much reduced...
    I do excessively self reflect. But that has something to do with a part of me not wanting to ever be in the place I was..
    I never ever want to be in that situation ever...
    But Alhumdulillah I have learned a lot. It was indeed a life changing experience

    The real challenge is not to move on but not to look back

    And i feel I am looking back lot often trying to learn lessons for thousands of time..
    And i don't really like that.. So i will write the lessons, say that to myself once and be done


    1) never ever fall in love without knowing the other person fully..
    Like fully. His /her qualities and bad qualities..

    Also make sure that he also loves you before you fall for him..
    And to be sure about that check his actions not words
    Like whether he stands up for you, whether he fights for you, whether you are his priority, disagree with him on something close and observe how he reacts..
    Then fall for him. Till then enforce your boundaries (emotional boundaries ie vulnerabilities as well)
    Otherwise you don't know who you are falling for

    If people can say lol without laughing they can say I love you without loving - mufti menk

    Sometimes I love you means I wanna use you..
    Be careful - mufti menk

    Ps.. And the next person I love or fall for is going to be the one I marry simple..
    After I get engaged...

    2- if you are waiting for people to help you, you might be waiting forever...
    You are all you need, all you need to heal, you have All that you require to heal,
    You need no one.

    3- never stay with toxic people. And surround yourself with positive people.. Either they should be your really good friends or they should be really high achievers (so that they can give you productivity vibes)...
    Be vulnerable to your close friends/family..

    4) time wasted never comes back... So use your youth wisely..

    And this one I really like
    "if it wont matter after 5 years don't spend more than 5 minutes thinking about it "

    My reboot

    My reboot is going through mess...
    I had really good emotional baggage to relapse every now and then on masochistic fantasies...
    Initially I had to do 30 minutes mediation to make sure I remain clean for a day..
    But then as I talked to my crush forgave him and cut contacts with him..
    I could manage 20 days without practicing any routines, that's progress...
    I have no emotional reason to relapse.
    No toxic friends, no crush, no resentment, no regrets,..
    But still I think I need to meditate and workout..
    The only thing that is preventing me from leading a productive lifestyle
    Is brain fog, and concentration problems due to this addiction..
    So my next stop is to get rid of this addiction..

    So lets hope to be more productive in recovery and this journal..
    I will create another journal in main women's forums..
    This will mostly be checklist for my routines..

  16. The lessons seems pretty/ very true. And yeah the 4th lesson ( the first line describes my life ) Time wasted ( a lot ). BTW Best of luck for your new start.
  17. Zeezee

    Zeezee Fapstronaut

    Incredibly happy and proud of you!
    Indeed this is the first step (before moving on).

    I am glad you have a plan of action figured out for yourself. Do share the link of the new journal so I can follow up on it :)
  18. TheStranger

    TheStranger Fapstronaut

    It's all good. No worries.
    Respec. You deserve the support. Don't mention it.
    I pray that you succeed in achieving your new goal.
  19. TheStranger

    TheStranger Fapstronaut

    Glad to see this growth of yours. Keep up the good work!
    You hopefully will succeed. Good luck.
  20. Fighter_4_life

    Fighter_4_life Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone..

    I know this thread has been dead for a while and I was not in the mood to write and revive it partly Because I was starting my reboot again from day 0 and it was after a binge so I could not have to motivation to write properly..

    I wanna give you people like whoever reading this updates what happened in the time I was inactive..

    My crush
    A lot of things have happened. Many people here had suggested me not to talk to him but I did. He could have led me astray
    But i did, I needed closure I needed it badly.. I need to break the masochistic emotional chain that were causing me to relapse every now and then..
    I did a lot of research and watched videos, podcasts, looked at peoples experiences etc etc..
    And i enforced my boundaries well with this person..

    But i loved him deeply for years so a part of me liked when he talked good with me which another part of me knew was just a pretention.

    And i knew that in order to perfectly move on, no part of me should love him

    I created a thread trying to understand male perspective regarding women and I am glad for all the answers and did my research as well
    What I learned about him from my interactions with him.

    When I used to talk to him his words were fake, his actions were fake, his sorry was fake (in the beginning obv)..
    He never loved me..
    He loved someone else deeply his ex maybe.. When he used to talk to me he was talking to me as if he is in his mind with his ex's thoughts..
    Whenever a sad song appeared or we talked about a sad person hurt by a female he used to get lost in his mind or had extreme empathy to heartbroken guys..

    How can someone ever ever love someone while he is still in trauma (I am an example myself). If at all he had anything, was superficial liking which takes one day to forget..

    I was sad coz I ruined my career, mental health, eyes, everything, religion on a person who would at max take one day to forget me just because he used to fake feelings for me and I used to believe him..
    I should add I never talked to him at that point which in my opinion was good and bad..

    Bad : it kept me in denial
    Good : he could have really exploited me, he is a good player, I was very naive back then

    The kind of selfish and arrogant personality he is leave apart him being player , if I would have known it I would have never ever fallen for him and I am very glad I know it now

    I suffered so much because of this masochistic disorder for app 2 years and ruining my grades, study, academic coz of this guy who would at max take one day to forget me...

    This was really sad but something which silenced every part of me that wanted him that thought if him.

    RT now we are friends kinda and I really plan to end my ever contact very slowly..
    Cutting him off would maybe anger him..
    And bring out Narcissistic him..
    So i Wanna go grey Stone (= distance from him slowly)..

    I am really glad for support of guys here and I won't generalize the whole gender anyway and I am really thankful for my lessons and kinda smart and strong girl I have become today

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