My accountability journal thoughts and how his recovery is going.

S

Sad_wife

Fapstronaut
For all intents and purposes this will be an online accountability journal tracking progress on my M recovery and his recovery of PA. Co-Recovery thread.

Progress: Me 7days M free. Him 38 day video P free and 13 days entirely stimulated and M free.

I can’t help but feel like maybe we are sex addicts. It occurred to me reading over the threads here and reflecting on how much sex we have and just how uncomfortable I got with sex being only one day a week. It seems selfish and wrong of me to complain about. And I know I need to reach out to my therapist and start sessions again. It gives me anxiety to think about talking to her about all this. Which is one of the indicators that it’s definitely the right thing to do.

Our first stint of absence from O entirely only lasted 2 days. And that was the longest we went. We thought it would be good for both of us to give our bodies that break and let the natural tension build. I still think it would be a good ongoing practice to try to not have sex at all (goal of 7 days)so we can really reboot. He has never let himself just be horney. He has always taken care of it immediately or didn’t even let the feeling get there. I think it would be good for him to experience. I can’t imagine never having that experience. It would be like never feeling hunger, sadness, happiness or anger. How can you truly know desire without fully feeling the depths of its intensity? So after the first go we never made it a day and sometimes are intimate 2x in a day. I can admit that it feels great. But at the same time I wonder if this is holding him or I back in truly healing. Again feels weird and selfish to complain. After all this is what I truly wanted. And at the same time as I write I have a very strong put to feel the sensation of climax. Knowing M will be hollow and set us back I resist. I am committed to him heart and soul.

also we are having morning sex now. The time when he would use P. This morning tho… He had PE that was also very weak. This has never happened to him. He admitted immediately. We both felt the marked difference. He was confused and I could tell bothered by it. The first time we ever had sex it was fast(PE). But intense and it made me feel so sexy that he couldn’t hold it. But we always climax together and it usually lasts longer. He has had recent DE and PIED problems before quitting. Weak o has never happened. I reassured him it was normal. Told him it could be the start of a flatline. I could tell that bothered him too. Can weak O just happen separately from flatline? Or is it definitely an indicator of impending flatline? This makes me sad to have him going through this. At least we are in it together.

This morning I also noticed that since I quit with M I am wet well before penetration again. Since I stopped M my body responds to indicators of real sex. This is amazing. I realized that in our 4 years this has been a problem. And guess what… it started when I started to M. This made me feel horrible. I asked him if he noticed the change he said he did. Truly a wonder that more people don’t make these connections or haven’t. Why was it taught M is healthy without research?! This was a blatant and selfish assumption. Where was the proof? When so many indicators are glaringly obvious that it’s not good. I am livid with the sex industry. And at myself for not making the connection sooner. He admitted that it added to doubts, self esteem and performance anxiety. Doubts about my desire and attraction. Doubts that I was turned on. Which in turn on a subconscious level made P more enticing for the ease of it. There are no worries with P. It goes exactly how you plan without having to feel doubt and performance pressure. Even though I would reassure him, my body told a different story. And this has a profound effect on a man. I feel terrible. And also my mind goes back to hormones and pheromones. Yet another indicator that his pheromones (or lack there of due to P) could have also played a part in my body’s response to sexual indicators. I have always been attracted to his scent. But there was a sharp underlying scent the more he used P. Now that he is P free his scent is stronger and yet softer. More arousing. I could actually smell the scent of M in the bathroom after he used it in the past. It was infuriating. I said nothing for so long. I shouldn’t have. I should have confronted him sooner. We are very open with each other. I feel uncomfortable with the fact I wasn’t honest with my concerns.

I also downplayed my M to him. He would ask about certain things and I would only answer that question knowing he wanted more information. I lied to myself about how frequently my M was. And this morning when he confronted me about my dishonesty I brushed it off saying “I couldn’t be honest with myself.” What a lame excuse. The fact is I did Lie. I did lie to him. I just texted to apologize for brushing him off and took full accountability for my dishonesty. I told him that I will accept any doubts to my honesty in the future as a result. My only hope is he does hold me accountable. He often gives me a slide due to his own discretions.

next step…. Very scary. Although I mostly M without P, I did use it. I would look up things he was into to put myself in his shoes. Probably more often than I would like to admit. I need to come clean tonight about this. I feel terrible. I am a fraud. I don’t think I was addicted. But I did use it. I feel so low.
 
Hi sad_wife,
Quite understandable that you feel low when you sense you seem not to have things under your control.
I would like congratulate you though for having an exceptional partnership, you appear to be working together, struggling together to make the best out of your partnership, and that is wonderful!

I’m probably the last person to give advice. It just appears to me that feelings of shame (or regret or sorrow) may be overcoming you often and that this then the moment where you cannot avoid giving in to urges.
A logbook is a great thing (I started recently, too), trying to observe in yourself(ves) what feelings or perceptions were going on in your mind the moment before you felt uncontrollable urges? Is it some shame? Is it stress from work?
From what you write here, there seems to be not much you need to be ashamed of, you two together appear to have a pretty intense sex life, complemented by enjoyable solo sex which you talk about (sometimes). Just try not to be obsessed with performance. Whether either of you have O or not, whether you have penetration or not, whether he gets a as hard on or not, i wouldn’t even bother a second about it, just enjoy being together!
 
CaptainMate said:
Hi sad_wife,
Quite understandable that you feel low when you sense you seem not to have things under your control.
I would like congratulate you though for having an exceptional partnership, you appear to be working together, struggling together to make the best out of your partnership, and that is wonderful!

I’m probably the last person to give advice. It just appears to me that feelings of shame (or regret or sorrow) may be overcoming you often and that this then the moment where you cannot avoid giving in to urges.
A logbook is a great thing (I started recently, too), trying to observe in yourself(ves) what feelings or perceptions were going on in your mind the moment before you felt uncontrollable urges? Is it some shame? Is it stress from work?
From what you write here, there seems to be not much you need to be ashamed of, you two together appear to have a pretty intense sex life, complemented by enjoyable solo sex which you talk about (sometimes). Just try not to be obsessed with performance. Whether either of you have O or not, whether you have penetration or not, whether he gets a as hard on or not, i wouldn’t even bother a second about it, just enjoy being together!
Click to expand...

Thank you for you kind words.

We do have a pretty good sex life. It started off just a fling and that’s what we initially connected over. the read I’m here is things slipped in my eyes. And He was using P every day (or nearly, and sometimes 2x a day sometimes less and rejecting me. I knew about his porn use through teens and that he still did it. Just assumed it was not insead of sex. When that became obvious we had a conversation. He stopped for a bit then went right back. I confronted him again and still he slipped with stilll image drawings. After that I Doug deep because I wasn’t getting and answers and was shocked by just how damaging P and M was. And here I am.
 
Day 8 for me. 39/14 for him.

He didn’t hold me accountable. He mostly blames his actions for mine. I understand that I probably slipped into my habit more because of lack of sex but I still feel in the wrong. We did the talk naked non sexual touch cuddling. He feared I was going to admit to cheating. I would never. I am a fully monogamous person. Well… I guess that is where my heart was at and I can say cutting M that I am truly monogamous now. My body is to share with only him.

further more it’s clear the more I research just how much I messed up my body. Mainly when I was a teen. But M continued through my 30s. I stopped in my 30s for the most part. Maybe 1x a month. Maybe I know there was 3months or so of nothing. Maybe 6… I don’t recall. I just wasn’t interested at all.

We had sex 2x yesterday. So without his habit things are going up. Going to be alone today for 3hours before work. No kids. Nothing. That’s always the hardest part. Even tho I get the urge… I can ignore. It’s not that bad really.

Husband is coming down with something. Some virus I had 4 days ago.

I truly believe we are one of the lucky couples that can overcome this. We had so many unintentional fail safe measures that helped us stay connected in spite of the damage P and M was doing. We talk a lot. We have a lot of deep interests. Our sex life helps in the way that I don’t shy away from kinks and roll play. I like things that other women would shy away from. The variety and playfulness in any direction is there. And of course non sexual naked touch. I think this is a biggie that most people don’t consider. Massaging and cuddling naked is so important to raising that Oxytocin. Plus I think the big factor is that we were both really open and honest from the beginning. And I was accepting and thought on a level (very misguided propaganda induced) that P and M was good and healthy. So he never felt shamed. I was someone he opened up to at least verbally about it. So this journey we are taking is very much together. We value health. We value our connection. Plus I had 4years of deep therapy for PTSD. We both are neurodivergent. Hmmmmm…. Was that caused by P or M? Have there been any links or studies on this?

His job asked him to do a job out of town. This has never happened before. It would be an overnight. That makes me nervous. But he said he’s sharing a room with another guy from work. He always was quite nervous and private about P. So He would feel uncomfortable to begin with. Maybe the 2days apart will be a benefit. He still has downtime on his phone. Probably set it up earlier than normal. Right now the downtime is set from 1:30-7:30. His habit was occasionally if he woke up at night and in the morning first thing. But I’m really worried the urge will be there and being away the temptation may be a bit much. He is confident it won’t be a problem. He said he doesn’t know how to M without P and it would take too long (be obvious) which makes him uncomfortable. I know just how easy it is to come by pictures. But all apps on his phone are blocked. Downloading is blocked. All VPN sites are blocked. That one was hard and took days. The way back machine is blocked. Reddit is blocked. Can you think of anything else that would be useful to block? The only thing he could get to was pictures through google images. Those were quite tame but he still used them. Google is blocked now. But not the chrome browser. So… still can get to some images. We will see how it goes. They have yet to schedule this out of town job.

A lot is getting done around the house now that habits have changed. Which is good, our kitchen has been under construction for 4 months. We still don’t have the Oven installed. At least we have a lot of things we should be doing. We also have a YT channel (will not disclose the niche for privacy sake). Honestly I would cut all social media. But this is a passion project of ours. Hopefully when it gets bigger we will employ people to do social media for us. Going on there 1-2x a week personally to add a personal touch. But ethically I can’t in good conscience have anyone doing more than an hour a day for us. Screen time should be 2 hours or less a day and dang, we all consume more than that. We’ve been doing great only getting an hour or less. Me ore since I read a lot and use my phone to do so. It’s just hard as the library there doesn’t keep physical copies of much of the topics I read on.
 
Day 9 for me 40/15 for him!

wow… day 40 for him video p free. I think that’s his longest streak. He is very grateful for the Canopy app. He’s says he more relaxed knowing he just can’t get to it.

for me it’s been easier and easier. Especially knowing just how much harm it’s done to me. I mean high Testosterone, smaller boobs, lower voice, infertility, painful ovarian cysts… I wonder how I would have looked it I didn’t have a buch of testosterone influencing growth factors during puberty.

we had another long naked talk after watching the Netflix Movie Uglies. It does a number having porn win over me. But he’s actually been super honest with how I’m not his idea of the most attractive. And of course his views are brainwashed by media and porn. I’m so sick of perfection culture. Great movie btw. But it really upset me. The thing is he said he doesn’t want me to change a thing about myself. He’s always had a strong ideal that natural is better. But most of the women he likes are super fake. Knowing this was a wake up. I guess it will take being away from P and M for a while for things to change in his brain.

we went one more day O free. Talking about him being carnal worked him up. So… yeah today is day 0 again.
 
Still day 9 for me, 40/15 him

what is wrong with me? I honestly think I did permanent damage to myself. It some way I know that’s true. We were both sick today. Him more than me. But I still wanted sex. I get so turned on by him.

Anyway back to 0 again for no O. Sometimes it feels easy. I have not done M at least.
 
Day 10 for me! Day 41/16 for him. Let’s go!

im feeling good about everything. Just worked up all the time. I just abstain from M. Trying to not O at all. This is day 0. Got past the morning. But we woke late and were rushing to get ready for the day.

I really wish the sex industry would burn to the ground. I’m upset with just how much damage it has caused.
 
Day 11 for me, 42/17 for him.

we have talked more and more. I’m getting calmer and more secure again. It helps when he is honest. I talked to him about my feelings about how he felt and urge didn’t do it but also didn’t come to me for sex and how I knew it was wrong but in the moment I wanted to be used but I wasn’t even a substitute. His answer was that he knew it was the addiction and didn’t want to use me as a substitute because he would be thinking of porn and he didn’t want to do that. Wow. He’s very self ware and that is a fair a noble reason to not want to have sex. I can’t fault him at all. I started a conversation with “I won’t get mad, but I just need to know…” Asking him if it was sometimes more then once a day. Because I had noticed other times he was a long time in the bathroom. I already knew the answer. And of course it was yes. If he felt stress or that there was a lot of tension he would go do that. Also one of the reasons he gave himself for using P on weekends when we don’t have the kids was that we talk they day away. So staying in bed longer and being intimate puts us in a time suck. We do that anyway. We talk a lot about everything. We are very very close like that. At 4.5 years in. We always have run away deep conversations. Perhaps another reason I feel why we are lucky and things are going so well. He also says he doesn’t want to burden me every time he gets an urge because he knows it upsets me and he knows it’s just addiction and tells himself that every time so he doesn’t dwell on the feeling. He doesn’t like the feeling of an outside source gaining control. And when I told him how long it had been since the videos he lit up. He hasn’t been keeping track. But he was so proud that he was nearly half way through 90 days clean of video P (longest time ever for him) and excited to get to 90 and start the clock over for his slip. I really am lucky.

I did reach out to my therapist. I’m getting ready to go in and talk everything through. Which I feel sick and scared. I know it will be good. But also tough.

btw no sex so has been super difficult. It’s 1-2x a day. I guess that’s great but also wish we could abstain and build the tension. I want to try to go 7 days. I really want us to be able to give ourselves that gift. It’s an ongoing exercise. But things continue to be so great in that department. I am very grateful for our closeness. I love him so much.
 
Still same day update

it was so good to see my therapist. She validated my feelings and the fact we are doing the right things and are on the right path. Plus she knows all about P addiction and how many other problems it causes globally. Which is an issue I wish more people saw. Human trafficking is a huge problem. And is fueled by P consumption. Sex slavery. Children taken in youth and forced at puberty or younger in some cases to do these violent sex acts. Watching P funds these violent crimes. And my therapist is very involved in that side and doing conferences about the psychology and evil behind everything that keeps people addicted. It’s not consensual sex between two people that is being watched. There are many factors and it’s all bad. Very bad for the people involved even when the go into the industry “willingly”. These people are so hurt and being damaged more. It is a great wrong. Huge. And if you watch you are not only standing idly by and letting these things happen. You are an advocate for all of these horrific atrocities. That is the ugliest truth.

anyway. My therapist is the best. I shared how my husband wouldn’t come to me about his urges and why. She melted. He really is a good guy. And P is one of the hardest and cruelest additions there is.
 
Day 13 for me 44/18 for him

wow best sex and O ever last night. I wonder if we abstained how much better it would get. I mean holy cow. We were both fully present. And it was amazing.

we had a good day yesterday. Productive and lots of great talks.

He’s having bladder issues. I read somewhere on here that it feels like the urgent need to pee but nothing comes out. But that can also be a bladder infection. I think we need to abstain to let him heal either way.
 
Officially 2weeks for me!!! Let’s go! 45/19 for him

Well yesterday we were celebrating Marbone (2nd harvest) and had a fair bit of Mead and ate good food. We had a great time watching movies and had fun just having a very light foreplay. He was really keeping me high up in a very elevated state (like how I would imagine edging would be like. But the thing is he wasn’t really touching the zones. This was very fun and completely satisfying on every level.

well during one of the breaks we got to talking about trauma and I remembered some stuff from very very early childhood. A babysitter have put me in a scalding hot bath when I was around 2. Same one really got pissed off when I accidentally wet my pants potty training, it was mortifying. But also… when I was around 2-3. Our family doctor did an exam where he put his fingers way up inside me. My mom was there. I don’t remember the exact conversation but it sounded like he was telling her he was checking for something. Is sounded official. It felt very wrong. And I honestly can’t think of a good reason (as an adult) someone so young would need fingers inside them. Please tell me if there is some normal non molestation reason.

anyway we headed to bed. Put something on and 30 minutes later we had sex. Way more aggressive than he’s ever been. I think he was more uninhibited due to the alcohol. But there was choking pushing slapping. I’ve been begging him to go nuts. I don’t mind. But some of the choking was a bit more tight. It actually cut off my airway. He didn’t remember having sex at all this morning. That was more concerning. I started to describe what happened and bits and pieces came back but he felt terrible and ashamed. For a long time (in the beginning of our relationship) I wouldn’t even let him put his hand near my throat. I have ptsd from my x strangling my to unconscious (not related to sex at all). So it was something we discussed. Because I felt safe with him and it was more him just putting his hand there I was comfortable with it. But last night was more intense and we definitely don’t normally drink that much which definitely played a roll. He doesn’t want to have more than 2 drinks ever now. As the experience scared him. I know this is very P style sex. Aggressive and more violent P. I’m not really into violence. I did ask for him to let that side out and be more aggressive. As I do like power play and struggle. But the airway being cut off was a bit too much. He really doesn’t like that he wasn’t aware of how ruff he was getting. I don’t want him to feel bad though. As I think it was mostly because we were drinking.
 
Day 15 for me 46/20 for him.

yesterday was weird. Everything felt off. By the end of the day I felt good about the future but also frustrated with society. But that’s pretty typical.

I have been trying to have an open conversation with my x trying to nail down and navigate P and M co-parenting. He says he’s on board with teaching them it’s bad… I hope he’s not brushing me off. He’s not a good person.
 
Same day…

I would just like to add my husband has not had a wet dream since he was an early teen. Last night he almost had one. He still doesn’t remember his dreams. But it must have been a good one he was I would say 98-99% erect. Which is rare. It was common I think the first month we were seeing each other. Since he gets to 80-89%. Sometimes more. He was thrusting making sounds. I see it as a good sign his brain is healing. He didn’t cum. But give it a month or too.
 
Day 16 for me, 47/21 for him.

off and on I’ve been feeling tense and on edge. But overall I feel great. More feminine. More focused. I’ve been getting more done and I don’t feel drained during the day.

Husband is way more calm. There is a huge difference in his vibe. More attentive, more focused. It’s like how it was in the beginning on our relationship. My tension tho… whew. He actually asked me why I raise my voice. I didn’t even realize I was. I felt bad. Feel bad. I can do better.

Reading a great book on tantra. Not sure if I want to change everything about sex. But I do want to try the practice. At the same time it seems like to actually achieve tantric growth and high levels you have to abstain from traditional sex and for sure no hardcore kink stuff. Not sure we are ready for that. And there is no clitoral stimulation to peak. Barely any touching with that part at all. I would miss the peak type of O. It’s supposed to be better, beautiful and literally connecting in a different way. I’ll have to ponder this.
 
Day 17 for me 48/22 for him.

Thoday I have mood swings. I have urge to M. I’m not going to. I’m strong. I will meditate and exercise instead.

although I have been feeling a lot better and trusting my husband I realize I still have trust issues. Especially when he takes a long time in the bathroom. I know the say 6-8 months to heal from this sort a betrayal. Man… that a long time.

I’m glad I read the tantra book all the way through. We don’t have to convert entirely to only tantric sex. You can have your primal side. What a relief. I do think we both have been passively applying tantric principles without knowing what we were doing. Both of us. We can delve deeper and do it more intentionally. But maybe it’s those passive moments that saved us. It’s crazy to think about, but the more I read about it the more I believe we are soulmates. We had that connection immediately. We did those things without being taught and never have with other people. This gives me hope. I believe in us.

so interesting about not doing M. It’s changing me physically. I feel more feminine. My curves are curvier stomach flatter with less stored fat. I mean it’s probably not all due to quitting M. We also cut sugar. I’m reading books on dopamine detox. What an eye opener. I mean, I came to the same realization without a book. But to see the studies and have someone else saying what I thought is very validating. If you really want to win this cut all dopamine junk or “quick” on demand habits. They are right. No sugar, no caffeine, no scrolling, no social media, limit tv and movies. Set an intentional time to watch one show or movie. And have a day of the week where you don’t engage in any of these habits. It does help reset the brain. Make all your food that day from scratch. No box foods, tv style dinners (heat and serve) go to the store and pick out fresh ingredients. Be creative. Create sauces and dressings yourself. Don’t add any sugars, don’t add fats (or keep them low). Slow down when eating. Taste. Feel the food. Feel when you stomach is getting full. Stop. Wash your dishes right after by hand. Clean the junk drawer. Go to the library or bookstore. Get a physical book. And read it. Feel satisfied open alive. Go for a walk. Do anything but empty dopamine habits do them intentionally with purpose. 1 day a week.
 
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Sad_wife said:
Day 27 for me 48/22 for him.

Thoday I have mood swings. I have urge to M. I’m not going to. I’m strong. I will meditate and exercise instead.

although I have been feeling a lot better and trusting my husband I realize I still have trust issues. Especially when he takes a long time in the bathroom. I know the say 6-8 months to heal from this sort a betrayal. Man… that a long time.

I’m glad I read the tantra book all the way through. We don’t have to convert entirely to only tantric sex. You can have your primal side. What a relief. I do think we both have been passively applying tantric principles without knowing what we were doing. Both of us. We can delve deeper and do it more intentionally. But maybe it’s those passive moments that saved us. It’s crazy to think about, but the more I read about it the more I believe we are soulmates. We had that connection immediately. We did those things without being taught and never have with other people. This gives me hope. I believe in us.

so interesting about not doing M. It’s changing me physically. I feel more feminine. My curves are curvier stomach flatter with less stored fat. I mean it’s probably not all due to quitting M. We also cut sugar. I’m reading books on dopamine detox. What an eye opener. I mean, I came to the same realization without a book. But to see the studies and have someone else saying what I thought is very validating. If you really want to win this cut all dopamine junk or “quick” on demand habits. They are right. No sugar, no caffeine, no scrolling, no social media, limit tv and movies. Set an intentional time to watch one show or movie. And have a day of the week where you don’t engage in any of these habits. It does help reset the brain. Make all your food that day from scratch. No box foods, tv style dinners (heat and serve) go to the store and pick out fresh ingredients. Be creative. Create sauces and dressings yourself. Don’t add any sugars, don’t add fats (or keep them low). Slow down when eating. Taste. Feel the food. Feel when you stomach is getting full. Stop. Wash your dishes right after by hand. Clean the junk drawer. Go to the library or bookstore. Get a physical book. And read it. Feel satisfied open alive. Go for a walk. Do anything but empty dopamine habits do them intentionally with purpose. 1 day a week.
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Just fyi I’m not sure where you saw 6-8 months to heal from betrayal trauma? It’s pretty standard 18 months to 3+ years, more if you don’t get help. I know after first dday it took me 3 years, but I had no help in any form except marriage counseling because p addiction and betrayal trauma were not even talked about ( known?) in 1997. Second dday/subsequent ddays. I’ll never 100-% trust him especially knowing what I now know about addiction. I don’t get anxious though about him in the bathroom, or getting up late at night, I trust that l will know based on how my body feels if he has slipped. 5 years sober and in recovery is considered long term recovery for the addict. My husband really started to change at the 2 year mark then 4 year mark. Even with slips and relapses. Major changes in everything
 
Sad_wife said:
If you really want to win this cut all dopamine junk or “quick” on demand habits. They are right. No sugar, no caffeine, no scrolling, no social media, limit tv and movies.
Click to expand...

Very true. It's a lifestyle. Quitting p impacts our life as a whole.

Sad_wife said:
I know the say 6-8 months to heal from this sort a betrayal. Man… that a long time.
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Healing is highly individual. It takes whatever time it takes. Don't let anybody tell you that you have to suffer for such and such great lengths because they did. Also, don't be upset when it takes longer. It's like griefing. Noone can tell you what amount of time you need. It has a function and when that function is fulfilled, it will dissolve.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
Just fyi I’m not sure where you saw 6-8 months to heal from betrayal trauma? It’s pretty standard 18 months to 3+ years, more if you don’t get help. I know after first dday it took me 3 years, but I had no help in any form except marriage counseling because p addiction and betrayal trauma were not even talked about ( known?) in 1997. Second dday/subsequent ddays. I’ll never 100-% trust him especially knowing what I now know about addiction. I don’t get anxious though about him in the bathroom, or getting up late at night, I trust that l will know based on how my body feels if he has slipped. 5 years sober and in recovery is considered long term recovery for the addict. My husband really started to change at the 2 year mark then 4 year mark. Even with slips and relapses. Major changes in everything
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That seems like a long time. I don’t doubt you at all. My therapist said it can take 6-8 months. But that’s based on my history and my husband and I combined histories. I wasn’t blindsided. I knew he used P just didn’t know the extent. I didn’t think it would be a problem. Over time it became clear. And just the fact that it was while I was home all the time. But we have a strong bond and connection. I don’t think it will take years.
 
HeartOfTheOak said:
Very true. It's a lifestyle. Quitting p impacts our life as a whole.



Healing is highly individual. It takes whatever time it takes. Don't let anybody tell you that you have to suffer for such and such great lengths because they did. Also, don't be upset when it takes longer. It's like griefing. Noone can tell you what amount of time you need. It has a function and when that function is fulfilled, it will dissolve.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I do understand it can take longer. I’m not forcing and timelines. I already feel tons better. And I’m in therapy. My therapist is awesome and I do EMDR therapy for ptsd. So I don’t think it will take years. I could be wrong. Depends on how well we stick to things.
 
Sad_wife said:
That seems like a long time. I don’t doubt you at all. My therapist said it can take 6-8 months. But that’s based on my history and my husband and I combined histories. I wasn’t blindsided. I knew he used P just didn’t know the extent. I didn’t think it would be a problem. Over time it became clear. And just the fact that it was while I was home all the time. But we have a strong bond and connection. I don’t think it will take years.
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Yes knowing he used and your background will make it less traumatic for you. I think it’s more damaging if you have no idea, and you’ve been lied to about the reason he doesn’t want sex. For me, it wasn’t the porn use per se, it was the fact that he chose that over intimacy with me. That was what infuriated me. The betrayal was all his lies about why he didn’t want sex. I had high expectations of what my sex life would look like once I married. To be turned down was not what I expected lol. Especially when everything I had ever heard was how much men want sex, how often they think about sex, how as a Christian the only time in marriage you shouldn’t have sex is if you both agree to abstain for a short time to pray! That was a rude awakening to realize he would rather masturbate than have actual real sex. We had also been together 10 years by first dday. So a lot more damage.,
 
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