Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Sorry don’t know why that posted twice
My accountability journal thoughts and how his recovery is going.
- Thread starter Sad_wife
- Start date
Okay went to Dr Weise website. He isn’t exactly Intimacy annorexic. He has some aspects. But it’s more that he cannot be deeply close with anyone. I am the only one he does bring down some walls with. A lot of our relationship is extremely close and intimate. Then there are aspects where he’s extremely shut down and closed off. But he can be personal and share details with people. That’s evident with not bringing up important dates (like my birthday). He’s not critical or angry twowards me.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
My husband is not critical or angry towards me, nor does he try and control our money ( which apparently is a big one and common?) I’m the only one my husband can be close to as well. He can be personal and share, my husband is very well liked and has many “ friends”. So when his group first brought up IA my husband did not think he was one. So he skipped that part in the workbook ( facing the shadows) . As I went through his book, I asked him why he skipped that. Then I told him he most definitely was. The “ more that he can’t be deeply close anyone” is the definition of IA. P addiction has been called an intimacy disorder.
Woah. Thant makes sense. My husband doesn’t have many friends. 3 that I can think of and me. Everyone loves him though. His is very well liked.
We had a chance to text back and forth while I am here at work and he’s on his long drive home. He had only 2 the first night and 4 last night. He said he figured this was his “last hoorah” because IVF has strict rules. No vape, no weed, 4-5 drinks max a week… etc. I told him I thought we were going to do that with the karaoke night we planned. I’ve never sung in front of him. It was a big deal that I planned that out. He said he forgot. I think that was the most painful part. He knows what a big deal it was… and he forgot. Even if he didn’t why wouldn’t he want to do his last hoorah with me. I was honest and told him how much it hurt that he was choosing another situation over me. Again. He says he knows he fucked up bad. And reset healing on trust. He’s going to show me just how serious he is from now on.
He does have to go back next week. No way around that. But he doesn’t want to travel for work at all anymore. So that’s an interesting development. I like to hear more of his thoughts on that and what changed. I’m thinking he doesn’t trust himself. And the fact that this trip was a huge pain in the ass in all other ways.
I told him when he goes back up there’s no smoking or drinking at all. That’s what I would like. He can just tell them he’s doing a health cleanse. Which is true. We haven’t talked about that. He didn’t comment. So we will see when we talk.
This trip was such a catastrophe on so many levels and I know he had a very hard time of it. I’m cutting him some slack. It was a learning experience for us both.
52/29 for me, 77/55 for him
I would be lying if I said things went smooth yesterday. He mentioned they are not going back next week but the following week. Probably the whole week. We have the kids 50/50 shared with my x weekly exchange. He’s going back on a week I will be alone. Our alone week. I asked what the plan was and he said idk is co/workers drink and smoke so… we are supposed to limit and quit certain things right now for IVF. Plus breach of trust etc. he said it’s to hard idk. My response was no IVF then. I can’t go through all that if we are going to lower the chances which are low enough already. It would be to stressful and heartbreaking. He thought that was unfair. He said it was too much to have him just flip a switch then just shut down and didn’t want to talk about it. Fine. I was hurt though because I took his words to heart when he said he would show me he was serious. We got dinner, I asked about today and when he would be off work. He said not late, 5 at the latest. Fine, still more than an 8 hour day. But then he said why don’t you go out with your friend (the plan was for her an I to take the kids trick or treating if he wasn’t back so I didn’t have to be alone on my birthday) and we will do something after. I lost it. I said now you want me to take the kids trick or treating with out you? You need more alone time on my birthday? This man is incredibly smart but sometimes he doesn’t think. He didn’t understand why I went from 0 to 100. And he was mad. He said all of this is unfair your putting words in my mouth (kinda true) and he just thought I would like to spend time with my friend. He also said it was unfair to think impulse control would be healed overnight. I was so done. More words were said. Worst fight we’ve had. But I calmed down and said let’s just put a pin in it until Sunday. We have plans And I don’t want to have them ruined by this fight. So we are going to talk about it Sunday. I still don’t think he should drink or smoke at all on this next trip. Am I being unfair? I would specifically like husband’s opinions here. All are welcome though.
I would be lying if I said things went smooth yesterday. He mentioned they are not going back next week but the following week. Probably the whole week. We have the kids 50/50 shared with my x weekly exchange. He’s going back on a week I will be alone. Our alone week. I asked what the plan was and he said idk is co/workers drink and smoke so… we are supposed to limit and quit certain things right now for IVF. Plus breach of trust etc. he said it’s to hard idk. My response was no IVF then. I can’t go through all that if we are going to lower the chances which are low enough already. It would be to stressful and heartbreaking. He thought that was unfair. He said it was too much to have him just flip a switch then just shut down and didn’t want to talk about it. Fine. I was hurt though because I took his words to heart when he said he would show me he was serious. We got dinner, I asked about today and when he would be off work. He said not late, 5 at the latest. Fine, still more than an 8 hour day. But then he said why don’t you go out with your friend (the plan was for her an I to take the kids trick or treating if he wasn’t back so I didn’t have to be alone on my birthday) and we will do something after. I lost it. I said now you want me to take the kids trick or treating with out you? You need more alone time on my birthday? This man is incredibly smart but sometimes he doesn’t think. He didn’t understand why I went from 0 to 100. And he was mad. He said all of this is unfair your putting words in my mouth (kinda true) and he just thought I would like to spend time with my friend. He also said it was unfair to think impulse control would be healed overnight. I was so done. More words were said. Worst fight we’ve had. But I calmed down and said let’s just put a pin in it until Sunday. We have plans And I don’t want to have them ruined by this fight. So we are going to talk about it Sunday. I still don’t think he should drink or smoke at all on this next trip. Am I being unfair? I would specifically like husband’s opinions here. All are welcome though.
stmos
Fapstronaut
I don’t think you’re being unfair. I mean as far as IVF goes you have to have prime sperm in order to make sure that works. And gives you the absolute best chance possible., And IVF is expensive believe me we did several rounds of it and just got done paying it off.
You’re gonna do your part he should do his. As far as men go, I know with me I always try to fix things. Which leads me in the problems. I don’t know when the back down. And since I don’t know how to back down, I keep going and going and going and dig myself further and further into a hole.
You’re gonna do your part he should do his. As far as men go, I know with me I always try to fix things. Which leads me in the problems. I don’t know when the back down. And since I don’t know how to back down, I keep going and going and going and dig myself further and further into a hole.
Thank you for this. I just gotta make him aware. It’s all important maybe we need to get back on the phone with the doctor so they can make it clear.
Got my tattoo. It was an apprentice. So it didn’t come out exactly how I drew. But it just needs a touch up. Kinda disappointed that it didn’t hurt at all. I heard collar bone tattoos are one of the most painful. Just felt like she was drawing on me. Kinda boring. But she had an amazing playlist of music so that was nice.
53/30 for me, 78/56 for him
Well my birthday was absolutely perfect. The kids had a blast. We all stayed up too late, ate too much candy and watched Wednesday. It was perfect. He got me a new combo air fryer/ toaster. So we can get rid of 2 appliances for the one. And it bigger than the last air fryer we had. It fits a whole pizza! I’m very excited. He’s working late today, but then he doesn’t have to go back Saturday. We talked a little bit. Not in depth. That talk is Sunday. Fx it goes well.
I general I’m not sure how they are going to make this next trip. There is a massive snow front hitting all next week. So driving in and out of the mountains the following week is going to be crazy. Not to mention dealing with the snow up there. Logistically is doesn’t make sense. In top of that he calculated what he got paid for the first trip where things went smoothly and… same amount of money if he just stayed in town. So money is no longer a perk. He is entirely uninterested in work travel because it’s not going to be like the first time where they got their own rooms. He was looking forward to having his own space. It’s not really what he thought it would be. The work is way more stressful. If he was single without responsibilities here it would make more sense and he would probably just run with it. I’m glad I met him before. Because these co-workers seem like alcoholics. And he would definitely pick up a habit if that was his life.
Well my birthday was absolutely perfect. The kids had a blast. We all stayed up too late, ate too much candy and watched Wednesday. It was perfect. He got me a new combo air fryer/ toaster. So we can get rid of 2 appliances for the one. And it bigger than the last air fryer we had. It fits a whole pizza! I’m very excited. He’s working late today, but then he doesn’t have to go back Saturday. We talked a little bit. Not in depth. That talk is Sunday. Fx it goes well.
I general I’m not sure how they are going to make this next trip. There is a massive snow front hitting all next week. So driving in and out of the mountains the following week is going to be crazy. Not to mention dealing with the snow up there. Logistically is doesn’t make sense. In top of that he calculated what he got paid for the first trip where things went smoothly and… same amount of money if he just stayed in town. So money is no longer a perk. He is entirely uninterested in work travel because it’s not going to be like the first time where they got their own rooms. He was looking forward to having his own space. It’s not really what he thought it would be. The work is way more stressful. If he was single without responsibilities here it would make more sense and he would probably just run with it. I’m glad I met him before. Because these co-workers seem like alcoholics. And he would definitely pick up a habit if that was his life.
stmos
Fapstronaut
First off congratulations on 30 days!
Second off!
I’m so happy that your husband is starting to realize that maybe being out of town all the time is not a good idea! Your company really needs to take care of you well to make it worth it to work away from home. Unless they’re giving you top dollar it’s just not worth it most of the time.
I’m so happy y’all had a good birthday! Good luck with the IVF!
This company give the illusion they take care of the employees. Out of town give a 35% mark up on piece rate. A out of service area bonus and trip fee. Also $50 per diem for food. And board is paid. But it can out to the exact same he makes here. Plus they tell their employees they don’t get overtime as they are piece rate. Treating them as though it’s contract work. They are Full W2 employees. Not salary. Price rate by law gets overtime too. He just texted me now how is boss was telling him to not clock in and out cause he’s piece rate. They have the hours and overtime greyed out on the timesheets. It’s over a year they owe him. It’s going to be a big bill. They are not going to like it. But if they don’t pay within 14 day of being made aware they get astronomical penalties that they are force to pay by the labor board. I don’t see this ending well for them. The only reason my husband knows is because I get fired up about justice and pay. They mess with the wrong guy. I don’t give 2 shits if the company goes under. But they won’t. They donate millions a year to charities just to relieve taxes instead of paying employees right. F them. You know? He definitely doesn’t want to do any out of town work for them anymore. I’m so happy about that.
I’m hoping the IVf goes well too. I take care of myself. He’s young and they are going to test embryos before implantation to make sure of quality. So 65% success rate. He is young so that makes it a bit easier. I’m hopeful that he is going to stick to our plan. We will see how Saturday goes.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Who told you 65% success rate?I thought the rates were much lower for older women? That seems really high. My sister did ivf for her best friend, and then 2 of my friends did it and they were told much lower success rate? All eventually got pregnant though. One spent over $200k and 5 years! Yikes ! she was very upset that I got pregnant on the pill ( I absolutely did not blame her either!) I do know if you’ve had kids before your odds are better. I agree, with what it costs, you both should be doing everything possible to help get the best outcome. You guys could always adopt? My husband and I were both adopted and we adopted an older girl 8 years ago.,
It’s 10% at my age but goes up to 65% with the genetic embryo screening this company does. I could be wrong… that may have been second transfer rate??? Not sure. We are lucky as insurance covers it. And we (I) have 3 kids. His step kids. He wants to have a genetic child with me. That’s the only reason for trying. Otherwise we are good with the 3.
stmos
Fapstronaut
You are so blessed. Both of you. It’s amazing how much technology has improved in a few years. My wife’s success rate with IVF was only 10%.
My wife and I have had multiple rounds of IUI, and IVF. We’ve had many miscarriages.
We’re in the process of adoption, but it’s hard and it’s a long road. It’s been two years on the list. We’re looking in the foster care now.
I’m so happy that you guys are doing this. It gives me hope. And it gives me a reason to stay clean.
Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
Very fortunate insurance covers it!
I do feel extremely blessed. It’s absolutely amazing. I’m not a stranger to IVF. I had many friends in support room going through this same thing. And yeah just 5 years back I don’t think there was anything about sending embryos for testing pre implantation. They just grew a bunch and stuck 2-3 in to increase odds of one sticking. They are also sticking a camera in my uterus overnight to see if everything it all good in there. Just incredible. I feel as if we are in good hands.
Adoption is a great choice too. Especially if the STC has run its course. That is very traumatic to woman. It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around. One of the most heartbreaking struggles. It robs us of womanhood. Give your wife a hug for me.
I am very grateful for sure.
stmos
Fapstronaut
I will give her a hug.
I think the worst part for her, is the fact that she’s wanted nothing more in her life be pregnant and have a child. We used to joke about it when we were dating that it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t use condom lol
Plus, her family makes it pretty hard as they treat her very poorly, especially her extended family.
It’s hard on her, especially when her friends get pregnant, my wife usually sends them a nice message and then tell him she’s not gonna be around them until they deliver. That she shares their joy but it’s just too hard for her right now.
But she’s very happy for you and your husband to get a chance to have another child! So good luck and good fertilization!
I know that pain well. I do have kids now. But when I was with my X husband it took 5.5 year to conceive our first. That’s why I know so much about IUI and IVF. I joined support groups online. I had so many friends struggling with the same pain. I have one friend that it broke. One friend lost an ovary and eventually had a successful IVF after a second term miscarriage with her first IVF. That nearly broke her. It was devastating. My last miscarriage and the reason I have no tubes was with my current husband. We were actively preventing and I was shocked beyond belief because of how hard my struggle was for my kids. I was beside myself. We were just “friends with benefits” and at the time he didn’t want kids. I was going to give the child to my friend who was struggling. Open adoption and still be a part of his/her life. Then his family stepped in and said they wanted it. The whole point was that he didn’t want any association. I said well then I might as well keep the baby. Because adoption was going to be very hard anyway. I am the same as you wife. That was one of my biggest draws in life, to be pregnant and have a kid. The only way I could give the baby up was because I knew someone else that was hurting the same way I did. Then the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. I had a dnc at 10. And had my tubes removed. I never wanted to go through that again. Now we are married and he wants a baby.
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Psalm27:1my light
Fapstronaut
It’s crazy how fertility works ( or doesn’t). People who get pregnant on the pill while others are jumping through hoops to get pregnant. We take it for granted that pregnancy is easy and safe. I had a friend die in childbirth along with the baby.
That is absolutely heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.