My accountability journal thoughts and how his recovery is going.

[Sad_wife]

54/31 for me, 79/57 for him

Last night we went out to Karaoke. was extremely nervous. I have not truly sung in front of my husband. And I have not Karaoke in probably 13 years. The music was way too loud to have proper microphone dynamics of soft and loud singing but otherwise it was really fun. I did three songs one my brother ran up and joined me. It was so great. My husband said I did awesome. And a lot of people complimented me. It was a lot of fun. We will probably do it again sometime. I will probably tell the KJ to turn the music down just a tad and the mic up on my turns as I mostly sing songs that need dynamic play. All in all I was proud of myself for doing it.

 

[Sad_wife]

55/32 for me, 80/58 for him

I feel so uneasy and not trusting right now. Probably due to the trust breach. He swears me didn’t M at all. But his bathroom times are getting longer again. This time 35 minutes. He apologized and said he was just reading a long passage in the book he’s reading. We did have sex but it took him a while to get erect. That could be nerves from knowing that I’m wondering if he’s telling the truth. Idk. He sometimes went longer in the bathroom without. He does have bowl issues sometimes. But the other thing is his penis would have a strangled look (smaller near the base) after he was actively PMO. It hasn’t looked like that for a while until recently and maybe tmi (trigger warning) the other morning he tasted like soap. I asked if he washed he said no. So… honestly I’m at a loss. I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m on edge and seeing signs where there are none or he’s lying. I know just M is the next big thing that pops up. And the lying goes with it. He was doing good with bathroom times being 15-20 minutes. In the last month more often then not he’s nearing 30 minutes or going over. Oh and the other thing is it was very early this morning when he got up. I was just opening my eyes when I saw him turn around and look at me. It seemed like he was checking if I was awake. I know a lot of you are going to say trust your intuition. But is it possible that I’m just being paranoid?

It’s horrible to feel like this. I think the only thing I can do is just track how often he’s going over so I can confront him. This is eating at me. Especially with him going out of town next week.

 

[stmos]

55/32 for me, 80/58 for him

I feel so uneasy and not trusting right now. Probably due to the trust breach. He swears me didn’t M at all. But his bathroom times are getting longer again. This time 35 minutes. He apologized and said he was just reading a long passage in the book he’s reading. We did have sex but it took him a while to get erect. That could be nerves from knowing that I’m wondering if he’s telling the truth. Idk. He sometimes went longer in the bathroom without. He does have bowl issues sometimes. But the other thing is his penis would have a strangled look (smaller near the base) after he was actively PMO. It hasn’t looked like that for a while until recently and maybe tmi (trigger warning) the other morning he tasted like soap. I asked if he washed he said no. So… honestly I’m at a loss. I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m on edge and seeing signs where there are none or he’s lying. I know just M is the next big thing that pops up. And the lying goes with it. He was doing good with bathroom times being 15-20 minutes. In the last month more often then not he’s nearing 30 minutes or going over. Oh and the other thing is it was very early this morning when he got up. I was just opening my eyes when I saw him turn around and look at me. It seemed like he was checking if I was awake. I know a lot of you are going to say trust your intuition. But is it possible that I’m just being paranoid?

It’s horrible to feel like this. I think the only thing I can do is just track how often he’s going over so I can confront him. This is eating at me. Especially with him going out of town next week.

I mean, you do have reason to be concerned.
I hate to say this back in the day there were nights when I would wait for my wife to fall asleep before I would do my deed. With my wife, she snores very loud, so I can always tell.

(Trigger warning )
My wife would also notice when I was M that my ejaculation would be a lot less, when she performed oral sex. So she did that for a period of five days. And then confronted me saying she knew I was Ming all those days.
I would not confront him I would just be aware. And just tell him that you can tell me anything.
Usually, that’s what guilt me into confessing

 

[Sad_wife]

I mean, you do have reason to be concerned.
I hate to say this back in the day there were nights when I would wait for my wife to fall asleep before I would do my deed. With my wife, she snores very loud, so I can always tell.

(Trigger warning )
My wife would also notice when I was M that my ejaculation would be a lot less, when she performed oral sex. So she did that for a period of five days. And then confronted me saying she knew I was Ming all those days.
I would not confront him I would just be aware. And just tell him that you can tell me anything.
Usually, that’s what guilt me into confessing

Your right. That’s usually a dead giveaway too.

If it starts to trend and sex gets less again I will ask him/tell him he can tell me anything. I want to be supportive. It’s the lying. I can’t take the lying.

 

[stmos]

Your right. That’s usually a dead giveaway too.

If it starts to trend and sex gets less again I will ask him/tell him he can tell me anything. I want to be supportive. It’s the lying. I can’t take the lying.

Exactly, I hope that you are incorrect and that he’s being honest. But I get your suspicion. My wife and I wish you the best!

 

[Sad_wife]

57/34 for me, 82/60 for him

Yesterday day was cycle day 1. So IVF moves forward. We have testing this Friday. Mandatory no sex or M until the analysis. Yup. This will be hard.

I started reading the book Takedown PHub. Great book by the way. It’s almost maddening how pro-consensual p she is. But honestly I think truly consensual p make up less the one percent of all P. If any of you decide to read it be well warned they go into some very graphic and highly disturbing descriptions of criminal/illegal P. Some of which I read and have high anxiety and depression from. All of these the company mindgeek was fully aware of and not taking down and profiting from. I can never go back to not knowing what I know. And my heart hurts for the world.

 

[Sad_wife]

59/36 for me, 84/62 for him

We did it! Mostly him. He actually gave me O last 2 nights. After giving him O this morning he say he was still horney! that hasn’t happened in quite some time. I’m so happy this is going to be a great weekend. His trip is delayed too. Not sure when he’s going. I’ll throw a fit if they make him go Thanksgiving week. Not towards him. But I don’t think I could hold myself back from giving the company a piece of my mind.

All in all it feels like I’m calming down again. I love my husband so much. I’m done reading and researching. I do think we should put a legal ban on internet P. Honestly it has no benefit and does mass harm. But I’m not an activist. I’d be willing to sign petitions vote and spread the word. But I’m ready to get back to normal life.

 

[stmos]

59/36 for me, 84/62 for him

We did it! Mostly him. He actually gave me O last 2 nights. After giving him O this morning he say he was still horney! that hasn’t happened in quite some time. I’m so happy this is going to be a great weekend. His trip is delayed too. Not sure when he’s going. I’ll throw a fit if they make him go Thanksgiving week. Not towards him. But I don’t think I could hold myself back from giving the company a piece of my mind.

All in all it feels like I’m calming down again. I love my husband so much. I’m done reading and researching. I do think we should put a legal ban on internet P. Honestly it has no benefit and does mass harm. But I’m not an activist. I’d be willing to sign petitions vote and spread the word. But I’m ready to get back to normal life.

Congratulations!
I’m so happy for you, you made it!

 

[Sad_wife]

62/39 for me, 87/65 for him

Wow how time flies! He’s nearly to 90 days clean from video P! He said it feels like longer. I had a few moments of urges for M. But they were very fleeting.

We had a great weekend. Got more done on our kitchen talked about the future. Things seem normal. His times in the bathroom went back down.

Update on IVF: our preliminary tests were awesome. His stuff is more than perfect. My blood shows in am in perfect fertility health. Not even close to low egg reserves. More in the 25-30 range. No more high Testosterone!!! I think our chances are excellent. Haha! Being health conscious really pays off I guess. I can’t believe my levels. For being 46! Over the moon. I just know we will be successful. He asked me if I wanted my tubes back. lol they do that now. I said no. Not unless you want more than one. I don’t want to deal with the headache of preventing again. We are too fertile for that. I have to go under this Friday so the can put a camera in my uterus. Not really looking forward to that but it’s my last test before moving forward. I’m really excited.

Also he’s not going out of town this week. So happy about that.

I’m going to do the thing. thank you @Warren of fleabags for the idea.

Things I’m grateful for:
Good health
My wonderful husband
Moving forward

Thing I’m hopeful for:
Quality time with husband
New beginnings
Getting more done

 

[stmos]

62/39 for me, 87/65 for him

Wow how time flies! He’s nearly to 90 days clean from video P! He said it feels like longer. I had a few moments of urges for M. But they were very fleeting.

We had a great weekend. Got more done on our kitchen talked about the future. Things seem normal. His times in the bathroom went back down.

Update on IVF: our preliminary tests were awesome. His stuff is more than perfect. My blood shows in am in perfect fertility health. Not even close to low egg reserves. More in the 25-30 range. No more high Testosterone!!! I think our chances are excellent. Haha! Being health conscious really pays off I guess. I can’t believe my levels. For being 46! Over the moon. I just know we will be successful. He asked me if I wanted my tubes back. lol they do that now. I said no. Not unless you want more than one. I don’t want to deal with the headache of preventing again. We are too fertile for that. I have to go under this Friday so the can put a camera in my uterus. Not really looking forward to that but it’s my last test before moving forward. I’m really excited.

Also he’s not going out of town this week. So happy about that.

I’m going to do the thing. thank you @Warren of fleabags for the idea.

Things I’m grateful for:
Good health
My wonderful husband
Moving forward

Thing I’m hopeful for:
Quality time with husband
New beginnings
Getting more done

Congratulations that’s so awesome!
My wife and I are so happy for you!
We wish you the best and we will keep in our prayers!

 

[Sad_wife]

Congratulations that’s so awesome!
My wife and I are so happy for you!
We wish you the best and we will keep in our prayers!

Thank you! It has been a struggle for me to get to this point. I do take a lot of supplements, work out and keep good eating habits (mostly plants Whole Foods). I reversed a good many ailments being very very health conscious. Our body is our heaven or hell our personal temple to be worshipped. And I have treated my body with extreme disregard in the past. I am a full believer that we can heal from anything with our mind. And anything is possible. I brought my lungs back from extreme damage and COPD. Now the drs think I’m lying or was misdiagnosed until looking at my documented history. Of course they don’t give me any credit. They just shrug and say you’re lucky I guess. It had nothing to do with luck. But I feel very blessed and grateful nonetheless. Thank you!

 

[Sanitarium]

I am a full believer that we can heal from anything with our mind

so much truth in these words!

 

[Sad_wife]

64/41 for me, 89/67 for him

Things are still calm and smooth for the most part. Husband’s company is making him leave Sunday to go to the job site due to weather. I’m not happy about loosing one of our weekend days but it makes sense so… ugh. I’m not looking forward to next week.

Not much else to report. Sex is good and frequent so I am confident that he hasn’t even M. I know I haven’t. He’s nearly at 90 days! So proud of him. But we /he couldn’t have done it without Canpoy Shield. So thankful for that app. And still super pissed that companies like Phub are legal. It really does nothing but harm for the sake of greed.

 

[Sanitarium]

I am glad for you guys!

 

[The Shift]

64/41 for me, 89/67 for him

Things are still calm and smooth for the most part. Husband’s company is making him leave Sunday to go to the job site due to weather. I’m not happy about loosing one of our weekend days but it makes sense so… ugh. I’m not looking forward to next week.

Not much else to report. Sex is good and frequent so I am confident that he hasn’t even M. I know I haven’t. He’s nearly at 90 days! So proud of him. But we /he couldn’t have done it without Canpoy Shield. So thankful for that app. And still super pissed that companies like Phub are legal. It really does nothing but harm for the sake of greed.

Have you seen the reports about the North Korea soldiers going to Ukraine?

I’ve seen some reports about how this is the first time they’ve had any amount of access to the internet because in NK it’s extremely restricted and controlled. The reports state that they’re watching an insane amount of porn.

If anyone has any doubt that porn is possibly one of the most destructive things in our current society this story should be a huge wake-up call if true.

Think about it. These guys are in the most oppressive state in the world they could be running. In fact they could be shot just for looking at it! Instead they are allegedly watching it constantly. Again I’m not sure of the actual accuracy of this but if true wow. What a damning statement it speaks

 

[Sad_wife]

Have you seen the reports about the North Korea soldiers going to Ukraine?

I’ve seen some reports about how this is the first time they’ve had any amount of access to the internet because in NK it’s extremely restricted and controlled. The reports state that they’re watching an insane amount of porn.

If anyone has any doubt that porn is possibly one of the most destructive things in our current society this story should be a huge wake-up call if true.

Think about it. These guys are in the most oppressive state in the world they could be running. In fact they could be shot just for looking at it! Instead they are allegedly watching it constantly. Again I’m not sure of the actual accuracy of this but if true wow. What a damning statement it speaks

I wouldn’t doubt it. It seems very plausible. I wonder if it is true. As they can draw a lot psychologically from that cause effect and known dire consequence.

 

[Sad_wife]

69/46 for me, 94/71 for him

It’s been a while since I checked in or wrote in here.

We have been doing very good. He left at 12 for his work trip. Before that he seemed tense and anxious. He said he didn’t know why but will be glad when he’s done with this job. We were talking about keeping the kids safe and I expressed that I didn’t want them spending the night at one of our friends houses anymore. They have an alt lifestyle (which is fine as long as your safe) but their kids all have electronics, phones computers etc. and they don’t restrict thier kids or protect the devices. They are very pro P. He said at a certain point I have to let them make mistakes and their own choices. But even when they are teens I’m allowed to say that place isn’t safe your friends can stay the night here instead. He said I have to calm way down with all this. Because the most strict we are the more the kids will want to hide behaviors and sneak these things. I didn’t get a chance to really express the fact that I want to nurture them coming to us for any reason or any question. And really teach them how these things are not good for your brain in a non combative or damming manner. He just said he couldn’t have this discussion right before he left. Which is fair. But I feel like he is still defending his use in youth. And wants to allow the kids to explore that on their own. Hard no there. We will have to talk about that at some point.

I just can’t wait for this to not be a topic anymore. Does that even happen?

We got a lot done on our kitchen. Stone work is up. And wow… way easier than I thought. We will have an oven by Thanksgiving!!!

Things I’m grateful for:
My wonderful husband
A nearly complete kitchen
My health

Things I am hopeful for:
To talk with my husband tonight when he settles in.
Working on parenting
A big happy thanksgiving dinner

 

[Sad_wife]

71/48 for me, 96/73 for him

Ups and downs still with my mood. I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Woke up every hour. It’s hard to sleep without your other half. I’m tired. He texted it was the same for him. He can’t wait to be home. He is keeping his phone charged. And actually texting me first and texting me back. So I feel a lot more calm this time around. Plus he was very genuine before he left on the fact the he has not engaged in M nor plans to at all. It’s the difference you can see and feel. I know he’s not lying. It was a huge relief and made a big difference and impact on my trust.

My daughter has a performance at school tonight. My husband is out of town so I will be alone. What I fear most because my dangerous ex may show up. And possibly try to interact with me. This messed up state will not provide adequate protection for me. So messed up. I mean does it matter how long ago someone attempted to kill you? Really? Shouldn’t you get protection from that person for life? So messed up. But I guess that’s why this state has so many problems with DV and murder. Just beyond comprehension. Wish me luck.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

71/48 for me, 96/73 for him

Ups and downs still with my mood. I didn’t sleep well at all last night. Woke up every hour. It’s hard to sleep without your other half. I’m tired. He texted it was the same for him. He can’t wait to be home. He is keeping his phone charged. And actually texting me first and texting me back. So I feel a lot more calm this time around. Plus he was very genuine before he left on the fact the he has not engaged in M nor plans to at all. It’s the difference you can see and feel. I know he’s not lying. It was a huge relief and made a big difference and impact on my trust.

My daughter has a performance at school tonight. My husband is out of town so I will be alone. What I fear most because my dangerous ex may show up. And possibly try to interact with me. This messed up state will not provide adequate protection for me. So messed up. I mean does it matter how long ago someone attempted to kill you? Really? Shouldn’t you get protection from that person for life? So messed up. But I guess that’s why this state has so many problems with DV and murder. Just beyond comprehension. Wish me luck.

Not sure what state you are in but can you get a concealed carry? I was stalked and threatened for about a year by a man I had never even met. I would not wish that fear on anyone.

 

[Sad_wife]

Not sure what state you are in but can you get a concealed carry? I was stalked and threatened for about a year by a man I had never even met. I would not wish that fear on anyone.

I have officially filed and had a court date to reissue a protection order. Here is has to be a current threat of harm or death. The only thing that they did was make a no contact order through our parenting plan. And I had to do it through creating a change to our parenting plan. So he can only talk to me about the kids and nothing else. Exchanges are at the police station. But this is a huge grey area. He’s allowed to attend school events. He’s allowed to talk to me about the kids. But this state doesn’t have anything less then the criminal or civil protection orders. And those are only issued in 2 instances. Criminal orders are if the got arrested with violent crime. Civil if there is a proveable current ongoing threat of death or harm. So harassing doesn’t matter. And stalking has to be very evident and provable. I’m kinda stuck. But I do have cameras inside and outside my house.