My Addiction and Journey so far .....

It all started when I was a kid, browsing the web, came across a picture of a women who's breast was uncovered and her hand up in air, but another hand censoring it. That image fucked me up , its forever censored into my head. My heart started to pain and feel weird . I don't even remember how old I was at that time.
I remember another day when I was in 5th grade , Instagram was the new thing, so I went ahead and created an account. and then I came across another picture which is still scared into my brain. A picture of a nude model.
Soon it escalated , almost once a few months, I was browsing the web for images, of supermodels and pretty women , I was hooked, one night too scared to actually watch it , I spent an entire night , with my brain and fantasizing about a model, I didn't even sleep that night. My brain was beginning to get fucked. The thing is I used to ejaculate without masturbating , weird as it sounds, I hadn't learned how to masturbate until "friends" at school taught me , once in a while. I spent hours looking at erotic pictures and eroctic material online,

I never watched videos , and hardcore pornography was just to graphic and repulsive . This image-addiction soon escalated , to short movie clips, or more explicit images. This time I was approximately fapping twice a month.

Soon I discovered videos, my mind was fucking blown ,it was like a new drug, I remember taking out a calendar and then marking the days I could jerk off. My monthly relapsed went to almost 4 .

I was 15 at that time, no girls , no hugs , no kisses and I was watching girls getting of each other, my sad loneley life at my house , made me more addicted , I was hooked. I remember one day, searching my entire house to find out where the laptop was hidden . I spent hours and found it , turned it on , and jacked of. I repaired my own pc , opened up the screws and turned it on, and jacked of, I was completley hooked. My brain couldn't handle the pleasure.

At 16 years I got into hardcore pornography, this was a very fcked up part of my life, I never in my wildest imagination thought I would end up watching this. but all of a sudden it was appealing, enter creampies,anal,bj, the real hardcore shit got into my brain. I started jacking of more and more , twice a weeek , I remember fapping before my school bus arrived , and then missing it. I grew more lonley to women , never talked nor befriended any of them . They just didnt do it for me the way porn did . Peer fucking pressure made it worse, kids in my class used to watch hardcore movie scenes in the middle of class, it made me relapse more and more, I couldn't go past a week , my brain was fucked up, the images of those videos came up in my mind when I was talking to my friends, relatives and family . I felt like a slave, I couldn't do anything.

I was 17 when Covid came in, I made the worst mistake in my life, I was feeling stressed so I decided to watch P as it would help with stress and help with my immunity. I was wrong , this time , my brain got destroyed, I was jacking of 15 times , I didnt attend tests, I was jacking of in between online classes ,tests, and just destroying myself, when everything went online ,I lost it. My addiction became worse and worse with the worst month of September 2020 , when I jacked of almost 20 times. Hopeless without any support only blockers saved me, that was a very bad time when I couldn't do anything, I tried almost everything , nothing worked except the blockers , I was able to reduce the relapses to 8. Even though I was able to bypass many of them it reduced, the worst was behind me. There were days I felt like a slave who just mindlessly jacked off, only the blockers saved me


April was the month I was free, free from hardcore pornography and this 1 studio which destroyed my heart, this cursed studio , I simply cannot express in words how much I was addicted to it and how much I hate it now. I am free from it for 7 months.
I personally want to burn the videos and the people in them in hell.
The thing that free me was Exposure Response and Therapy, my mind was fucking liberated. I barely remember those scenes these days, It feels good. It feels liberating and free.

My addictions till hasn't ended as I still relapse to softcore phonography available everywhere. These days I can relapse to almost anything, mostly relapsing to non-nude/ semi -nude stuff on YouTube.

I am trying my best to get rid of it, its the last part left in my addiction. After this I shall be free from the demon that has haunted me over the years, as a child and as a teen . The worst is left behind.

Here are the two threads that changed my life.
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...vices-give-your-willpower-an-aid-easy-streaks.
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/too...osure-response-prevention-therapy-extinction/