My parents have always been good for me when i was a child, but when i became an adult, things started to go downhill... I've first discovered this addiction at the age of 8, because of a friend of mine that pushed me towards it. Everytime i'm on a relapse: i lock myself in my room, sleep late at night, eat junk food, ignore the people around me, indulge into instant gratification... You can see that this is nothing more than a storm of madness that gets bigger as the time goes. The most scary thing about this is that my parents don't even know that i'm addicted! Let me explain: I'm sure you've also experienced that shame, that unrelenting feeling of avoiding being caught during the bad habit. I feel that constantly. Everytime i'm on a relapse, i do a series of methods to prevent people from catching me doing it, the only thing that escapes from my control is the mood change. Of couse we get more irritable after a relapse and i wouldn't be any different. Everytime i indulge into my addiction, i start mistreating the people around me and the only people that are with me at the time are my parents. They notice when i get angry, but they have no clue that i'm like that because of an addiction. Last year, they actually thought i was crazy and sent me to the therapist. After six months of therapy, trying to discover the source of my addiction, i'm actually left with nothing but a sense of bitterness because not even therapy could help me. After i got into this descending spiral of addiction my parents got cold and indifferent. They're still on my life and they help me sometimes, but it's as if i was all alone and by myself. Sometimes, when i have an argument with them, i actually resort to those dirty websites as a way to cope with those fights, so this became a maladaptive coping mechanism. It's strange because, i resort to pleasure as a way to deal with my parents, but then i start feeling worse and treat my parents bad so that they retaliate by confronting me and it makes me feel sad so i resort to pleasure, then i get worse and treat them bad and they treat me bad too... And it goes on and on, over and over again... There was a point of my life that i felt so bad that i actually asked my therapist to check if i had depression. All i can remember is a botomless pit of despair and helplessness. All of that happened because of this addiction and even nowadays, i couldn't break free from it. Please, if you have any tips, make sure to tell me because i really want this madness to end.
I was in a same place as you at your age. I went to 12 Step for many years and it helped me make amends to my parents and repair my relationship with them. I would be so judgmental of my parents, their failures and my moods were just absolutely awful when I was your age. You have the gift of time in that if you want to change your relationship with your parents, you can start with how you treat and love them today. It might take multiple therapists to figure out what your root issues are. I was your age when I discovered that I was an addict. There was no NoFap and my girlfriend at the time told me it was normal. You have the gift of knowledge and time. Your life still has so many open paths for you to choose which ones you want to go down and don’t want to.
The cycle is part of the addiction. Feel bad so you use, then feel bad again so you use more. You have inadvertently drawn your parents into it. Sounds like they don't know what's going on. All they see is a child who is not being productive and they want you to have a better life. If you want out, you could come clean with your parents and ask for help. It might be good to join a support group. You started at a young age and could use some healing. Be good to yourself!
I can relate in some ways. I never argued with my parents but I can remember dealing with social anxiety and struggles growing into adulthood. I definitely used P to cope with stuff. As a 34 year old I can tell you from experience. You will be much happier if you work on these issues now rather than continue to let it get worse. I think an important thing to have is a mindset that you are not broken and unrepairable. You need to develop some tools and skills to build relationships. What you need to do is learn how to take care of your emotional self first. Don't get yourself down that therapy didn't work there may be a different therapist out there you relate with better. What about it frustrated you and left you bitter? Have you confessed you have a p problem to your therapist or anyone else? It seems like you have a pretty decent grasp of your behaviors that are a problem. One of the first things I think you can do is instead of running from your emotions and problems face them. Have the mindset that even though in the short term it feels better to run away and watch P. That long term it destroys your brain. Check out the book "Redefining Anxiety" by Dr. John Delony. The way I read your post it seems like maybe you know you struggle with some anger problems. I highly suggest looking into ways to calm yourself. One thing that I think works in the heat of the moment is any time you get angry or want to look at P. Clench your fists as tight as you can until you feel the need to stop once you do. Exhale deep and let your body relax. Another is to take a deep breath in and hold it as long as you can and let it out slow. Do this repeatedly until you feel your body relax. This isn't something that works automatically. You have to make the decision to choose to respond by doing the exercises. In time your body will learn to calibrate your emotions better and it will become easier for you to respond to things in a healthy way. I think maybe you struggle with some anxiety and maybe some trauma that makes your body feel unsafe. Your fight or flight mode kicks in and you get angry. My suggestions above come from Dr. John. And I think they will help you in time train your body not to react to your parents, or whatever the thing is that upsets you as if you are unsafe. I struggled with this recently with stress at work. I would worry myself to death and ran to P to cope. I constantly remind myself your ok, you can get through this. Focus on what you can control and do that you can about the problem. I think you can do the same with your moods. As far as P start reading and researching what's out there on how it affects the mind and body. Be honest with yourself and work to improve. Good luck!
