My Addiction Story

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Nate007, Mar 18, 2014.

  1. Nate007

    Nate007 Fapstronaut

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    This is a rather complete account of my addiction to pornography and masturbation. I have tried to quit before but without success. I HAVE NEVER told anyone my story before so this takes a big leap of confidence to share my story, however I believe that it is a big step in my healing journey.


    I am 15 and have been playing with myself since around the age of 7. I had my first wet dream when I was 11 and have been masturbating ever since. I masturbate on average 4 to 5 times a week, sometimes i masturbate more and sometimes less. I have tried stopping before and have never been able to abstain for over a weekend a half. I believe that part of sexual health could potentially involve the odd masturbation but I am doing it to much in my opinion. Another reason for joining NoFap (aside from curbing my masturbation habit) is that I have a bit of a bend to my penis that has evolved over time, it is only about 15 degrees and decreases when I have a hard one but it still worries me abit and I attribute it to my masturbation habit. (I have read that lots of guys have bent penises so it doesn't bother me to much.)

    Now for the real reason that drove me to join NoFap. The number one reason that i have joined NoFap is because I have experimented with porn and I am really ashamed of it. The first time that i started to look at pictures of women on the internet was when I was 11. I just did it a few times and all I looked at were pictures of women in bikinis. Then I stopped (looking at women on the web) for almost a year. A year later though I did it again, this time I found some late night porn shows when I was staying with my gram and I couldn't control myself, I would masturbate to them on average twice a night. I did this maybe 8 times over a three week period. After each time watching the late night porn shows I would feel like complete crap and vow never to do it again. Well when I got back from my grams I stopped watching porn and went back to occasionally looking at bikini girls on the web. this occasional viewing went on for about a year. Then in the second half of grade 7 a friend googled pictures of a hockey team and found a picture on a naked girl in the results. Well I went home and found that picture and masturbated to it. I wasn't quite sure what I thought of it but over the next 6 months it became a habit that when I would get home from school I would go on the computer and look at pictures of women in various stages of undress. Than the summer came around and I went back to my grams, and once again I ended up masturbating to late night porn shows. Well after coming home from my grams I vowed to never watch or look at pornographic content again. That vow lasted about a month and before I knew it I was back in school and was back into my old habit of looking at women on the net almost every evening. It was during this year (grade 8) that I discovered sports illustrated swimsuit models. I continued this habit of jazzing to pics of nearly naked women on the web until the fall of grade 9 where it went a step further. It was during that autumn that I found page 3 british glamour models. Now I was masturbating to truly naked women with fake unnatural breasts. I only looked at the glamour models about 4 or 5 times because I would get so ashamed each time that I did it. I continued to masturbate to bikini clad women throughout grade 9. It was during the spring of grade 9 that I discovered Chive.com and Tapiture; these two sites are basically soft porn (barely any nudity) but they still reduce women to objects that men drool over and objectify. These two websites became my sources of arousal during the summer leading up to grade 10 (2013).

    Well in grade 10 I decided to quit public school and (legally) become a home schooled kid. With the support of my parents that is what I did. well in september I got into playboy a couple of times and watched my first ever striptease. I was super ashamed of myself and this is when I decided to start stopping completely. well each attempt would only last a few weeks. In november I discovered that Bing(the search engine) did not save your history and had a video search that brought up porno's from different websites. I watched more striptease in november and then I decided to quit and this time I really tried my hardest. Well it lasted until christmas breach when I looked at strip teases again. Then I vowed to stop again. This time it worked and I went back to watching sports illustrated swimsuit videos. I would watch these videos on average 2 times a week. this continued until a couple of weeks ago on march break. During this weeks I decided to stop masturbating and doing anything on the web that I would not do if my mom was in the room (watch stripteases). Well it worked until this past saturday when I had two wet dreams in one night. I only wet dream when I don't masturbate for over 6 days so this was the first time that I had wet dreamed since last september. I thought that two wet dreams in one night was a bit much but I was still determined to see how long I could last without masturbating. Well I was really horny for the rest of the weekend; then yesterday morning after my workout I went to the washroom to go poop and I masturbated while on the toilet. I was pretty bummed out by the fact that I had masturbated but I was able to recover: or sort of. I say sort of because later that day I ended up watching strip teases for about 3 hours. the longest period of time that I have ever spent looking at pornographic material. At the ned of which I masturbated. I also noticed that my penis really hurt from being hard for 3 hours straight and I doubt that it was healthy. Well I wrote six pages in my journal last night describing how I would never let myself do something like that again. This morning however I ended up doing the same thing that I did yesterday; masturbating to a strip tease (on Bing videos). After I masturbated I knew that my will power alone would not stop me from watching porn again. With this in mind I decided to go looking for help. It is than that I stumbled across this community .

    I am seriously considering telling my parents about all this (I have never told anyone before) but I don't have the balls yet and I come from a family that has a deep respect for women and believes that pornography is extremely unethical and disrespectful (ideas that I believe in full heartedly) so I am going to try to use the support that I find in this community to change my habits and eliminate the only real vice in my life.
    I have never actually been on a porn site (pornhub etc) but that doesn't mean that I have not struggled. Porn is not the only part of my life. I also have been woodcarving birds for 5 years, take blacksmithing classes, sail and row in the summers, go for really long hikes in the woods and help out around the house and hang out with my family daily.

    I would really love if someone would take the time to read this and reply to it, it would really boost my self confidence and reinforce the fact that what I am doing is the right thing to do. I know that this post is long and their might be another forum where people post their life stories but I have not found it yet. I have never told anyone any of the information in the above story before, so it takes a lot of guts for me to post this. I will probably regret the decision to post this story to a public forum but I know that nothing will change in my life if I don't post it and become an active member in this NoFap community. Last but not least I would ask that if you cannot treat this post with respect then would you please not reply and leave it alone.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2014
  2. Aryangor

    Aryangor Fapstronaut

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    Hey Nate!

    Your post is one of the things that give me hope for mankind and it is what makes me get out there and help people.

    I think it is amazing that you are realizing things at your age that many adult men don't. They remain children in adult bodies, so to say. You on the other hand, display intellect and wisdom beyond your years, which is only to your advantage. Also I am thrilled by your hobbies - woodcarving is incredible! You must have lots of patience! :)

    You are on the right track. And I do not only mean realizing that porn is bad and trying to quit it. I also mean struggling, feeling bad and having problems quitting. This PMO thing is like a parasite - it does not let go without a fight. So if you feel that you are fighting, that you are spending strength, if you feel weak sometimes and sometimes lose the desire to carry on - it's all good. We have all been there and it is just part of the fight. It means that you are hitting the bull's eye with all this.

    I want to encourage you to carry on. Read, google, research - get to know as much as you can. Educate yourself about porn and masturbating and never stop learning. Get some solid accountability in your life, do some preventative measures, like K9 filter, follow any tips and tricks u can get. And start slow - a week, then two, then three. Its tempting to try and do a year, but many can't get there and get discouraged. So start small and slow, you will get way further this way.

    At this stage it is mainly trial-and-error for you, and it will take a few years before you will settle in and be comfortable about how to fight porn and lust in your life. But you still have everything ahead of you - so stay on the path and be a man that you deserve to be!

    Cheers and write any time!
     
  3. quitter

    quitter Fapstronaut

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    Hey Nate! I know you're on the right track! You've come to the right place. We're all in the same struggle together. The fact that you are realizing your addiction at age 15 is something I wish I had recognized back then and I seriously applaud you for seeking help. The first thing I would recommend is education on what's going on. Read everything you can on the Your Brain on Porn website and check out NoFap Academy and Sacred Sexuality Project to get yourself informed. Next I would recommend heading to the accountability forum and posting there. Guaranteed there is another guy in the same or a similar situation as you and he wants someone to walk through this with. As for talking with your parents, that's not something I can speak to. It's a decision you'll have to make for yourself, but aside from that I think you'll find more help and support than you ever imagined here in the NoFap communities.

    Again, kudos for being willing and wanting to quit porn and PMO, and congrats on achieving day 1! That's where it begins! Feel free to message me or to write if you have any questions or need anything! You can do this bro!! :)
     
  4. Thetimehascome

    Thetimehascome Fapstronaut

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    hey man,
    welcome to the team.

    You are smart to seek out help as early as you did. i have been back and forth with pmo for years i am 28 years old now. What you are doing is great.
    three tips
    1) get educated- watch the videos on porn yourbrainonporn.com
    these videos will help you understand why porn is so attractive to us as men/human beings.
    you are a smart young man- knowledge is power. watch this videos it will tremendously help.
    2) get an accountability partner here on nofap
    Having someone to "check in" with and to "check on" you and having someone to discuss your moods and feelings that is in the same boat as you can be very therapeutic. Alot of times when we are experiencing shame" its because we are thinking in our head " what in the world is wrong with me? am i broken? why do other people not have this problem?" That is shame. By getting educated and realizing you are one of thousands of men who are going through the same struggle you can turn this shame feeling into a feeling of guilt which is different from shame. Guilt in our brain says " yes you are doing things that are harmful to your self and you know it but that is not say who you are" we all make mistakes. This is something you can change.

    3. get a day counter.

    go to reddit.com and set up a counter. it will ask you what your goal is. set a goal 20 days, 30days, 90 days, what ever you want. Having a counter for me has been awesome because every time i check the counter and its gone up a couple days i feel a little bit better about moving on from PMO. (porn, masturbation, orgasm).

    You are not alone brother.
    message me anytime.
    you are on the right track, i wish i discovered this website or even had enough awareness to make the choices you are making now.
     

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