My bf is addicted to findom and femdom. How can I help him?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by bw2222, Apr 18, 2022.

  1. bw2222

    bw2222 Fapstronaut

    8
    16
    3
    In august 2021, I discovered cashapp requests in my boyfriend's email from different findoms, "mistresses", "goddesses". He claimed that it was a fetish that he had not engaged in since before we were in a committed relationship. Unfortunately, this was untrue. He was vague on sharing details with me but assured me that it wasn't what I thought. I'm not sure what i thought. So, I started extensive research on the fetish, the means of access to the fetish, and how it is hidden.

    Fast forward to November 2021, thanksgiving eve: he hid our pictures on his Instagram account. When questioned why over a period of several days he admitted that it was became a "findom" had added his account and he feared they would contact me and make false claims against him... unknown to me at the time there is a blackmail aspect of the findom/femdom fetish. I felt so disrespected and betrayed, but I stood by his side and believed him when he said he was quitting this for good.

    December 2021/January 2022 he gets caught several times using Instagram inappropriately to contact findoms. He deactivates his personal Instagram and weeks later I find an entire burner Instagram account that is dedicated to being a "slave or paypig" that Hes possibly had for 1-2 years. It had 1000 findoms that he was following and about 500 were following him. He made several posts that even indicated his location. Again, I felt incredibly betrayed. He claimed up and down that he was going to delete the account. Eventually he reactivated his "personal" Instagram account again and swore up and down he was not using it inappropriately. Well, he was.

    Valentine's day 2022: I hit a low point... I saw that he was liking a findoms pictures and I contacted them. They extorted several hundred dollars from me with promises of sending me pages of screenshots of communication with my boyfriend. The few screenshots I did receive were very hurtful disrespectful toward me and crossed so many boundaries in our relationship. I confronted him, reset boundaries, and gave him yet another chance.

    It is now May 2022. Two nights ago I looked through his phone and saw a screen recording of a conversation he was having on a fake snap chat account. There were tons of women's names that said "selling content". Once again, I confronted him. He gave me the log in information and what I saw was heartbreaking to me. He was asking to meet up with several women to have them do fetish activities with him which he claims he never followed through but just enjoyed the idea of it. He send several pictures of himself in the conversations and there was even fetish sexting back and forth and even talked about self-harm with them which is new information and another aspect of this destructive fetish.

    I am just feeling so lost. When will this end? Why am I not enough for him? I have offered to engage in whatever he wants and even tried to do the findom fetish and humiliation fetish with him. I don't know what else I can do. This time He has promised that he will seek therapy, he will delete every social media or temptation to do with this fetish and swears up and down that he has never met up with anyone or physically cheated. He claims he will do anything if I stay with him, he was visibly upset and crying and appears to be remorseful. He has said that I can have full access to his phone ect. He has worked so hard to hide this lifestyle from me and hide the talking to them and engaging with them. What can I do to help him get over this fetish? How can I be supportive to him? I am heartbroken and betrayed but I am unable to leave him. I want to help him. Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading my story.
     
  2. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

    269
    271
    63
    When it becomes too painful to continue.
    You cannot compete with what's going on in his head. It isn't about you. It never was. It never will be.
    Don't! That's enabling. You will live to regret that decision. Besides you'll likely go down that hole with him.
    How about treatment facility? I'm not so sure therapy is enough for someone actively engaged with someone for sexual gratification.
    Which one of the three greatest lies is this one? I wouldn't hold my breath. I would go get a std panel done. Trust me on this. I know someone whose husband swore up and down. She now has HIV and is divorced. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

    Look an addict will apologize profusely promise relentlessly and cry endlessly. I wouldn't even accept it with a grain of salt. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and let him figure it out. He has to own his recovery else it will be meaningless and fruitless.
     
  3. As someone with similar fetishes and compulsions, I think he is really lucky that you are so supportive and committed to helping him and to making the relationship work.

    Here's a thought that might not be helpful - look for ways for him to act out in a safer environment? I've dabbled in the local bdsm community and met a handful of men and women who "play" in the community with consent from their partners, though their partners are not part of the community and simply have no real interest in kink.
    (Today I woke up after an erotic dream and suddenly recalled an event that the community had some years ago. When I heard about it, I was shocked and thought No Way! but this morning I was thinking Dang! What if I had done that?) But I couldn't do that to my partner behind her back. And, I have zero interest in expressing my fetish desires to her. :rolleyes:
    My thought this morning was Dang it, God. I spent years seeking out a kinky woman to be in a relationship with and instead I ended up in a healthy relationship with a normal person. Why??)

    Ultimately, I think its better to recover from these fetishes than to indulge and explore them. But if he's deeply addicted, both exploration and recovery might be a more reasonable path. My therapist encouraged me to go to BDSM gatherings so that I could try things out and see if they really were what I wanted. (Fantasy and reality are often VERY different!)

    Personally, I think your sincere desire to help him is the most important thing. If he trusts you then there's no reason for him to lie to you. The big question is: does he really want to stop? If so, I think he can find a lot of help with support groups like SAA or SLAA and by seeing a therapist. Seeing a therapist together might be even better.

    I'm not sure if that helps you at all. Hopefully it does a little. It helps me to write about it because I'm a guy with a great girlfriend that I really love, and yet sometimes I feel utterly compelled to seek out similar things to what you described and to engage in self-harming / risky behaviour. :oops:
     
    engelman likes this.
  4. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

    269
    271
    63
    This is a joke right?
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  5. OhWhenThe

    OhWhenThe Fapstronaut

    672
    840
    93
    Not being a total doormat might help.
     
  6. bw2222

    bw2222 Fapstronaut

    8
    16
    3

    Hello,

    Thank you for your response. Believe it or not, I am working on that. Outside of my relationship I am a nurse in my community and nurses tend to make a million excuses for people and try to fix everyone in their personal lives. Standing up to him several times since finding out and telling him my boundaries has been huge for me. I also was previously in a domestically abusive relationship prior to him, so I do have a history of "being a doormat" but working on it a day at a time. Im thankful for any feedback on my post and thankful that theres a support section on here. Thanks again
     
  7. bw2222

    bw2222 Fapstronaut

    8
    16
    3


    Hello,

    Thank you for your response! You are right, I am tired of the competition. and there is no way I can know what is going on in his head , im not even sure he knows or understands what is going on in his head or what the deeper issues are that drives this behavior. And agreed I did start to get obsessed with trying to be what he was looking for and go down the hole and you know what I thought it was helping curb his cravings and it certainly did not.. he continued on. STD panel has been obtained/clear previously and I plan to complete another for peace of mind which he is agreeable to as well. Im sorry for that woman that contracted HIV that is heartbreaking. I am trying hard to find a way to take care of myself this is very difficult on me, and I am struggling hence why I joined this community. Initially I joined because I was looking for similar stories from men and women that are struggling with "findom, femdom" and the variety of different aspects of it and how they were doing with it or if they are able to recover. Then I found this partner support and began reading those stories and got the courage to make a post. So here I am. I have said over and over again to him this time around that he has to want it. I cant drag him there and force him. Ive also said today that If hes not going to therapy for himself because he wants to get help and is soley going for me to keep me... then do not bother going. Thank you again for weighing in and taking the time to read my story.
     
    engelman and +TenPercent like this.
  8. bw2222

    bw2222 Fapstronaut

    8
    16
    3

    Hello,

    Thank you for your response! I am thankful to get the perspective from someone that has similar interests in the same fetishes and compulsions. I am trying really hard to be supportive and non-judgement to him as I do love him very much and wish to build a family with him someday. Having done extensive research on this stuff I have seen/heard of that path of letting the partner with the fetish dabble per say. Unfortunately, I am the type of woman that wants commitment to the full extent, not to be a party pooper or a prude I feel safest in my relationship if it is just the two of us and I do not think I would be able to stomach him engaging in the behaviors outside of our relationship. (which is kind of funny because he is engaging online.......surprise, I can't stomach it lol) I should also say that I am sensitive to others and their energy. I can feel when there are others in our energy field and it feels painful and wrong to me. So though I know this option of dabbling in the community does work for some, I dont think it would work for us due to my sensitivity, jealousy, ect. If the roles were reversed, he would be beside himself and has admitted that. He gets upset if another man even looks in my direction. Lying has been a huge part of this. Im not sure if he lies because he doesnt trust me or if hes afraid of me feeling different about him/leaving him. Weve had many come to jesus moments through this and he has shared alot and Ive remained kind and non judgemental toward him yet it keeps being an issue and I keep finding out more painful things or catch him doing stuff. Where we live it is hard to find a therapist that specializes in these behaviors, sex addiction yes, but this is specific. Ive had several turn me down so far. We are in the New England area. But also Im wondering, if he was wanting to stop would he be looking for the therapist for himself/us? or would I be looking??... he has to want to change or want to stop this. And it is comforting to know that he possibly does really love me despite all this. Some of the messages I have discovered between him and these women online are very painful to read and I am really struggling wondering If me trying to help him is all for nothing. Thank you again I am thankful for your perspective.
     
    engelman and +TenPercent like this.
  9. OhWhenThe

    OhWhenThe Fapstronaut

    672
    840
    93
    Hi there, I'd like to apologise for my previous post, it was intended to be of the "cruel to be kind" variety but reading it back I can see that it was unnecessarily nasty on my part. I also want to say that I'm very sorry to hear of what you've been through, both currently and in the past, and that NONE of this is your fault. What I meant by my initial post is that whilst this is clearly upsetting for you, your actions so far have only really said to your partner that whilst you're not happy about the situation, you're still going to keep on forgiving him. Although this no doubt comes from a place of love, your actions to this point have shown him that the consequences to his behaviour aren't severe enough for him to genuinely seek change. He should want this for himself but most addicts can't see the true gravitas of the situation until people around them take action into their own hands.

    He may appear remorseful and genuinely upset but having read this story many, many times now, the likelihood of that being the end of it is extremely low. I can imagine that this stings to hear but unfortunately it's the truth and going by what you've said, it sounds like he's in pretty deep. He may manage to stop for a short while but once everything has calmed down he will almost certainly slip back into his old ways. It's great that you've set boundaries(you shouldn't even have to) but they're largely worthless if there's no consequence to him breaking them. It's like telling a child they won't get their pocket money if they misbehave and then when they do act up you still give it to them anyway.

    Lastly, obviously this addiction is harder to take given it's closely tied to sex but if it helps, your partner doesn't care at all for these women or want any kind of relationship with them. Just like any other drug it's the thrill and the high that's the reason he can't stop doing it. Either way though you deserve better.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2022
    bw2222, Nugget9 and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  10. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    He definitely has no idea what to do. I have been clean for awhile and looking back it's an addiction that I would categorize as smoking on a different level because it's hormonal and a lot of psychology. I was reading though some of my old posts reading and it's amazing how far a person can bring themselves down and never turn to help that's in front of them. My gf and I have been together 19 years now and life is just so diiferent, good different.
     
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    3,011
    4,610
    143
    I’m not sure why you feel like a party pooper or prude because you want a monogamous relationship. That’s pretty typical and the only safe relationship if you’re sexually intimate. Too many people out there with std’s. My friends husband gave her hpv, which turned into cervical cancer. I had to look up findom. Make sure you are protecting yourself in every way possible. He can ruin you financially and physically if you don’t. Focus on yourself and your healing. If he really wants to be faithful and give up this addiction he will take it upon himself to do everything possible. If he doesn’t, then you know exactly where his priorities are. The recovery rate for addiction is small and this one is harder than many others. Do what’s best for you.
     
  12. TiredOfFailing

    TiredOfFailing Fapstronaut

    39
    56
    18
    I don't mean to be harsh I feel so genuinely bad for you, but unless you have kids with him, I think you should cut your losses and move on. Your guy is hardcore addicted, he's not just using pornography, but he's experimenting with the next level. I know it's rough, but I promise, you deserve better, and once you set yourself free from him you'll realize that. And honestly, it's probably the best thing you can do for him. If getting caught amazingly wasn't his rock bottom, maybe losing you will be and once he sees that maybe he'll finally get around to addressing his issues.
     
    Nugget9, bw2222 and OhWhenThe like this.
  13. As someone who has been on both sides of this, the only thing I can say for sure is that you need to take care of yourself first. In Al-Anon and S-Anon, they say that we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure our addicted partners . . . the best thing that we can do for them and ourselves is to focus on our own recovery.

    (I am a recovering porn/masturbation addict. While I have not had a porn/masturbation addicted partner, I have had girlfriends who cheated / were sex addicts. My lack of healthy coping skills led me to seek out more of the same and fuelled some of my fetishes. In my life, I have had to endure my partner's infidelity with real life male partners. I don't have the experience of feeling like I was competing with virtual sex partners. In some ways, I imagine that would be even harder to deal with.)

    As for the "tough love" approach, I'm not a fan. If Lois and Anne, dumped their husbands Bill and Bob (the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous) and left them to flounder in their addiction, both men would never have recovered and gone on to help millions of other addicts. Closer to home, someone very close to me was married to an alcoholic. The family encouraged her to divorce him and touted the notion that "tough love" might help him to see the gravity of his disease and get better. It didn't work. He got worse and was dead within a couple of years - a strong, handsome, robust man who never made it to the age of 40.

    I am sure there are times when "Tough Love" works, but how can we know? I would put my money on LOVE as the better option every time. But love yourself first. Stay close to friends and family. Their support will help you to be strong for your boyfriend . . . but his battle will be his own.
     
    bw2222 likes this.
  14. bw2222

    bw2222 Fapstronaut

    8
    16
    3

    I agree with you that he doesn't have any idea what to do. He is a very private person (not to make excuses), but I believe that has been a barrier to even being agreeable to seeking therapy or seeking any kind of help. He believes this problem makes him a weak person, hes ashamed, and hes embarrassed. It breaks my heart that he is hurting so badly although I am hurting because of the betrayal part. I hope that him and I will be together that long and have our "good different" someday.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  15. bw2222

    bw2222 Fapstronaut

    8
    16
    3

    I am so sorry about your friend getting cervical cancer from HPV. That is absolutely unfair and heartbreaking. Thank you, I am protecting myself. We will both be getting screened for std's although he says hes never acted on this in person, I would like to be safe. All of our finances are separate and any bills we do share, he gives me the money for. He has also offered to provide access to any bank accounts ect for my viewing. I am trying not to get into this obsessive rabbit hole of monitoring his every move because I know it will make me sick. I am currently in school online for an advanced nursing degree to get out of bedside nursing and help to better our lives together. With this last incident before Easter, I can definitely see it has affected me negatively in school and i am being honest with myself about that. I need to get focused on my own healing while trying to not be overly focused on his. It is true at the end of the day he has to do the work. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for your response to my post.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  16. bw2222

    bw2222 Fapstronaut

    8
    16
    3
    Hello again,
    No need to apologize! This is the internet after all, and I knew that posting my story would bring differing opinions, recommendations, and reactions. I am thankful for all of them. I do agree with you that he is in a pretty deep dark space with this. I had actually read your post today and almost quoted you to him when you said "He may manage to stop for a short while but once everything has calmed down he will almost certainly slip back into his old ways." and in response he told me that what you said is what he has been doing each time. He would stop for a short time and then bargain with himself that things are good with us, ive stopped bringing it up or Ive stopped accusing him of anything, hell just do it this one time, maybe hell only do this or that.. so hell just look up the material.. then it will turn into messaging a few of them on instagram.. then maybe hell stop a few days.. then hes full blown back into it with no regard for anyone or anything until it all blows up in his face. And I thank you for saying the last part, I do question if he cares for or wants something else with these women and I am very hard on myself about it. Its definitely distorted the way I look at myself, my body, ect.
     
    OhWhenThe and +TenPercent like this.
  17. Ὀρφεύς

    Ὀρφεύς Fapstronaut

    56
    3,335
    113
    My Journal
    Ex femdom addict here. It seems he has also incorporated to this fetish this aspect of hurting you. The main thing with femdom/findom is passionate dramatism. To feel bad, to think that you can't do anything - this is exactly what gives exaltation, the true passion. And not arousal, but this psychological aspect is the crucial. I have been there. I would swear to MYSELF that I won't do this, but I have done. This path will be long enough. I doubt you can be with such a person. You became part of his fetish. What helped to me? A lot of things: sport, success on med school, mindfulness, there are dozens of tools that helped me but didn't end it, it just made for that moment to quit. First he needs to realize where this thing come, what is relationship between childhood traumas and femdom, and what emotions he receives doing it. Then, he needs faith, to restore his dignity and to see how stupid is that. But you can't say this is stupid. He must take a close look at this shit without passion. He shall try to explore this desire as an explorer without any desire - it was crucial moment to me to understand that it is I who add desire to these fantasies. To understand, that it just his brains doing this shit with dopamine crushes. But it won't be enough. He needs to get passion for leaving this shit. Because if he won't, he will be feeling empty without even these bad, shitty emotions. Best wishes to you, lady, I am really sorry for you.
     
  18. Ὀρφεύς

    Ὀρφεύς Fapstronaut

    56
    3,335
    113
    My Journal
    Forgot one thing. No one can change other person. Only you can change yourself. That's all... Do you want to live with him like that all your life?
     
  19. astronautfrompompei

    astronautfrompompei Fapstronaut

    45
    25
    18
    Honestly, unless you have kids together, I would run.

    He needs to get better, he doesn't seem to be willing or honest about it. Run as fast as you can.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  20. Real Jerry Seinfeld

    Real Jerry Seinfeld Fapstronaut

    115
    197
    43
    You need to draw a line in the sand. To me, it's a very weird addiction, but I'm trying not to be judgmental. Tell him if you ever catch him again, it's done. And if he does it, follow through. If he thinks he can talk you round if he gets caught again, he'll probably risk it. Hard lines.
     

Share This Page