my big-sick secret

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by crystallife, Dec 28, 2015.

  1. Hello again,
    I guess you will say I am a sick man but I don't care... I share my experience because I need help
    I want to quit from this relapse-reboot-feeling sick loop so I hope this site will help me. I have a boyfriend for more than 2 years and I need to leave this bad habit in order to became the relationship with him more amazing.
    We feel happy with each other, everything is perfect, except the thing that our sexual habits are a bit different: he needs more care and I need a bit violence.... :/
    I don't want to lose him because this shit but.. I feel my porn addiction loop is EXACTLY as strong as my love towards him.
    OK... I don't specifically addicted to porn but... only to watch wrestling.
    My first memory in this topic when I was 6 or 7 years old an that I first watched a graeco-roman wrestling match in the tv and I remember that that was my first sexual experience, I mean I felt that it caused my extrem excting feeling but paralel it caused me struggling feeling (like the men struggled on the mat).
    During the years I serched this feeling, I was so waiting the news and the sports block and I hoped it would contain some wrestling match.
    I was 13-14 when there some little sexual experience with my schoolmates. There were 2-3 guys whom I was dreaming about, of course to have a match with them. They were muscular, strong guys and one of them loved to show off his big muscles so it caused me so much sexual tense.
    I guess one of the guys was bi, and once I went to their place and their parents weren't at and he asked me if I wanna wrestle with him. We did and uh... it was amazing and I guess he liked it too but we didn't have any sex because we lived in a small town and everyone kept their secents within the walls. I remember he called me to join the judo club but I didn't (later a regreted it).
    Years went by, I had a boyfriend and we splitted up long years later (with no wrestling with him). Th in the past ten years, only the websites remain and I looked for submission wrestling videos and matches. Even the olympic matches turns me on!
    You know, the footage of tight holds, bulging muscles, the struggles, the fighting for doominance makes me so much exitement that I really lose my mind.
    After pmo, I feel awful becase I feel that it is unnatural, weird and against life. Than god, I didn't go further such as s/m, boxing or bloody violence.
    The ideal theme is young muscular guys do hard, manful grappling in underwear, barefoot (has anyone sees any symbolism in it?): that's cause me only dopamin heaven.
    I know I love my boyfriend because even when I do 2 relapse in a day, I can 'shoot' with him even the same day, His loving kindness can turn me on, too.
    Btw, I could not do wrestle with him, because I love him and I don't want to hurt or dominate him at all. In the beginning of our relationship he told me he didn't mind if I watch porn at all. He shouldn't say this... (he doesn't know my fetish is wrestling)
    There were times when I wanted to find wrestling partners in gay sites but.. that situation was weird from the beginning so I never met any guy who would have I wrestled with. And in the other hand I was worrying a bit: What if I met a sadistic guy who like real aggression such as choking, kicking and loses his mind? What if I maage to meet a guy with wrestling fetish but someone of us case a serious injoury? (wrestling is not a safety sport, though)
    Now, I try to change the other sides of my life, doing soemthing new, doing different. And I want to talk about our sexual life, maybe it will work (my bf doesn't like to talk about sex, btw)
    How could I reboot my brain?... I want to forget it all, I want to love him 100%-ly ... I feel that I love him only 70% because of porn. Should I quit for good... My life would be perfect.
    But I can't hwlp. After a week or so, pictures are attacking me and they turn me into watching wrestling or fantasising about wrestling with guys with perfect bodies.
    I wanna quit, I wanna quit!!!!
    Every advice, notice and thoughts are welcome, feel free to comment.
    What do you think?
    Thank you
    Wildstar likes this.
  2. Andrew P

    Andrew P New Fapstronaut


    My thought on quiting PMO is cold turkey ( break the habbit suddenly and do not return to it ).
    If you happen to relapse start over.

    I have a question ( that would be useful for me ): if you watch image/video only with wrestling guys - man's nipples and no penis, no girls do you still feel awkward after watching?

    Thank you!
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2016
    crystallife likes this.
  3. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut


    I feel your pain. I have a weakness for wrestling as well.

    My situation is different, I'm not in any sort of relationship, so my reboot was "hard mode" -- no sexual activity at all. Keep that in mind as I talk about how things went for me.

    For me, turning off all porn, and all fantasy, meant I was able to get all those images out of my head. Not immediately, but it happened. And, after awhile, even when I saw things that used to be huge triggers, they were less triggering.

    You may need to avoid any and all wrestling programs and images, at least for a good number of months, in order to de-escalate how much it triggers you.

    But it's more than just taking things away. I had to replace the porn and fantasy with other things. It's one reason I've spent a lot of time on this site -- better here than surfing porn. I also spent more time with friends, and took up some hobbies. Replace that void with something that's meaningful, even beautiful. Let's face it: we like to look at the human body, especially in action, because its beautiful. It's good that its beautiful; the problem is how we turn that beauty into a commodity, something we seek to consume.

    You have a need for beauty -- we all do. Seek other ways to satisfy it. Listen to beautiful music; look at art; read literature or poetry. Don't ignore the appetite, feed it with something that won't bring you down.

    A third point. I realized that when I look at a man's body, I am fetishizing particular parts, or features, of his body, based on ways I perceive myself to be inadequate. What do I do with that? Well, I'm 53, so I'm not ever going to look like I'm 23 again. And I'm too heavy, and not particularly muscular, and so there goes that. I can't "compete" as it were, with the images I ogle. But what I CAN do is stop and remind myself: I don't need to be that man in the picture or the video. I don't need his ____ (fill in the blank). I don't need any of that. I have a good and happy life; I have what I need. Yeah, his chest looks way better than mine. But I don't need his chest, or anything else.

    Finally, I have tried to keep reminding myself that that's not an image I'm looking at, but a human being. He doesn't exist simply to be "food" for my lust. He has his own life. I pray for the people I see. I remember that they are human, and deserve my respect.
  4. Thank you for your long answer, it made me think about a lot of things. Of course I don't watch anything including wrestling or evenmore anything guys in sport dresses.
    It is sooo hard because clothing is my fetish too. Wrestling dresses turn me on or even the wrestling mat...
    I keep my mind busy with any activites: learning languages, learning photoshop, writing poems and so. So far, it works and I don't want to give any chance to this soft porn leaking into my mind, that's why I take a lot of time with useful activites
    The things you wrote... they are so true. In my fantasy I worshipped some particular body parts: chset, bicep (still I am not pleased with my arms) and... legs specially quads - and I find my legs are a bit thin, though!
    The beginning in the relationship with my boyfriend, I was scared about my thoutghs because at that time he shared a flat with a friend of his (w/ a straight guy). and the had perfect muscular thighs... I was fantasising a lot of time how I wrestle with him and how my body get stuck between his strong thighs... It made me extreme horny but in the other side I knew that situation wouldn't be real.
    So as you rote, I keep changing my mind: I don't need big muscles, chests, legs and biceps because I have a b/f who loves me and vice versa. And of course I workout 4 times a week and I decided I will became that strong person whom I was missing from me inside.
    All of my life I felt so weak. But it is over :)
  5. "I have a question ( that would be useful for me ): if you watch image/video only with wrestling guys - man's nipples and no penis, no girls do you still feel awkward after watching?"

    yes... even watching a simple wrestling match makes me feel awkward and ashamed (after that, of course). btw, I am already on my 6th clean day :)
    Hieroglyphics likes this.
  6. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut


    I understand what you said about even clothing and mats being a trigger. All I can tell you from my experience is that over time, that will greatly lessen. I'm not saying you'll never be triggered by those things, but that it won't be an instant trigger.
    crystallife likes this.
  7. Andrew P

    Andrew P New Fapstronaut

    Hello Crystallife!

    Thank you for your answer and congratulations on your recent at least 6-days streak!

    I believe that cravings from porn are different than ordinary sexual cravings.

    Do you think watching wrestling gives such strong cravings?
    I mean would you qualify it as porn or as a porn substitute/trigger?
    crystallife likes this.
  8. yes, it does... I qualify it equal to porn. there is a site wrere guys wrestle only in underwear and I feel its dirty side, although they are nothing but wrestling matches. One cen feel that they do for money or they don't really feel well.
    There is another site where in the first part of the movies guys wrestle in underwear and in the second part of them is porn but the winner domitates sexually the loser.
    Yes, it sooo does very hard cravings!!!! I've had the highest and the greatest orgasm to wrestling.
    OK, i stop it now because I alraedy feel the need for watch them...
    you know, the voices day: 'just a match please...' or 'watching a simple olympic wrestling match is not a sin'
    ok, I need to have a shower :)
  9. DRD

    DRD Fapstronaut

    I read the title as "my big-dick secret". Looks like I'm still not rebooted. :)
    crystallife likes this.
  10. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut


    My suggestion: find other things -- things that interest you, delight you, things you enjoy -- and fill your time, and thoughts, with those things. If you sit around telling yourself, don't think about you-know-what, don't, don't, DON'T! ...

    Then you'll get into trouble.
    crystallife likes this.
  11. ItaliTrey

    ItaliTrey Fapstronaut

    I don't there's anything wrong with what you like. What I find wrong is (1) your inability to share what you love with the person you love and (2) the love of your life not willing to speak to you about the deepest connection lovers can have. Maybe there's a reason he doesn't want to talk to you about this. Maybe he's got a few skeletons in his closet :O I'd say the best way to get over this, especially if you have any chances of rebooting, is talking to him about EVERYTHING you've got going on. I told me ex-girlfriend I was bi, and our sex life got even more amazing! I'm not sure if the bi thing turned her on or possibly the honesty. Whatever it was, the fact that I was open with her made us better. Give it a go, let the guy know what REALLY gets you going.
    crystallife and Hieroglyphics like this.
  12. Andrew P

    Andrew P New Fapstronaut

    Hello Crystallife!

    Thank you for your answer and for your insight!
    I didn't thought websites with such a theme exist.
  13. Yes, we need to talk some things over with my boyfriedn. He can't talk about the sexual aspect of our relationship but I will tell him it needs in order to get this thing over.
    I decided I would invite him for a dinner and for a drink. And maybe we will discuss aout sex and about our emotions.
    It needs to improve our relationship but all in all I am very happy in it. So I hope this will work.
  14. StandingTall

    StandingTall Fapstronaut

    I agree with ItaliTrey: there's nothing wrong with what you like. Everyone on this site has their own particular niche that they all feel is there 'big-sick secret'. They are all different, but we come to them for the same reasons: a Pavlovian desire to turn our brains off and run from our fears and stresses and boredom. Years ago, I saw a threrapist for, like you, what I thought were these abnormal manifestations of my sexuality: I kept elaborate journals that had sex stories I would write about women I worked with or were friends with. I was at my wits end, and I thought I was the lowest, darkest, strangest man on Earth. But, again, the therapist told me two things: that I had quite an imagination and I was a good writer. And he left it at that.

    And then he got down to brass-tacks: how to deal with the stresses that caused me to engage in this type of behavior. And, in some ways, it worked. I've always made the joke that a trigger for me could be going to the ATM and realizing I only have seven dollars left in the bank. What else am I gonna do but go home and masturbate? Hell! I'll do it in my car! Why wait! INSANITY is what this addiction is. INSANITY.

    I also think your situation is one in which you should be able to talk about your feelings with your boyfriend. My feeling is that there will be sense of understanding, and you'll feel immense relief. This will give you the strength you'll need to go down whichever pass you choose. Good luck.
  15. free2be

    free2be New Fapstronaut

    Amazing to find this (after a Google search, which I've tried a few times before). So similar to my scenario, and even the conflict of reading about it - because it starts to excite me. I even got an aha from a description above, that the internal struggle (unconscious) over sexuality was readily co-opted by a wrestling fetish. My earliest memories are also about 7, when I was taken to pro wrestling matches. My fetishizing is almost exclusively the submission of the "dominantly" muscular man by the one less than. So with a lot of recent "spiritual" exploration in my life, I've come to see that as ego (just identificaiton as separate self) in imagined control in this Matrix-like world over our true nature of peace, love, etc. The reason I mention this is the conundrum of "fighting" this fetish because it's only ego that feels guilty! So that underlying psychological mechanism FEEDS the horniness, builds it if I (as ego) attempt to overcome it (and then SUBMIT to it). So this site might be a "godsend" in that working with others is one way to take the emphasis off separate-self. I am six years sober so 12-step community was a big part of my exploration that led to a big difference in my life. Also, the merging of the drug addiction with this fetish pretty much almost killed me. I'm still concerned with my masturbation life being a trigger to use. Another difficulty is the "relative" harmlessness compared to the drug addiction, the mental thoughts that say "I can't give up this pleasure - just give up the guilt!" But Septimus above spoke to my ideals, which are hard to grow in this world (so thanks Septimus!). The guilt I believe is ultimately from objectifying people, way beyond sex (separate-self is an illusion, this really is a Matrix world). But I start where I'm at, just like I did getting clean from drugs. The sexual compulsion was an early drug actually, like was also mentioned above, replacing deeper Good that now is time to find ways to honor. This site and thread was a real service, thank you. I haven't even gone to the introduction yet, as I really wanted to honor Gratitude by thanking everyone who contributed here.

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