Today I read through my old journal on the SOS group forum. I started writing it 8 days after my husband dropped the bomb that shattered my world. As I read it I noticed that at first I was very ANGRY and HURT and i really let it show but then the tone of my writing changed. My husband relapsed at that time and after that I started to write about how I should understand my husband and be lenient towards him. That he's having a hard time and I'm making it worse by raging at him. I even took some blame for myself for his relapse. I didn't want to listen to people telling me that what he was doing was wrong and started to defend him. I posted my last entry on that journal 28 days after the bomb. That was 8 months ago, and after that I haven't been active on nofap until last week. When I finished reading I started to think what happeded and why I had acted that way back then. Actually I've been pondering on that the whole day and I think I know the answer. I was acting co-dependently. I don't wanna go into it too much, since I've discussed it here on this forum before, and it's not really the point of this journal, but I've carried alot of the burden in our marriage before and still did during that time. He blamed me for his relapse and I took the blame. For a couple of months after that, he blamed me for a lot other things too, mainly making him feel bad/uncomfortable by being sad, and I took that too. Suddenly I didn't feel that I could freely talk to him about my feelings anymore, and if I tried, he's goal was to reach reconciliation as fast as he could. He didn't want to face the consequences for his actions and tried his best to shut me down. For the last months of this past 8 month period I've resisted my co-dependent behavior and refused to keep protecting him and wasn't going to take the blame anymore. I was sick of hearing how my broken heart was such an inconvenience for him. He however still didn't want the blame either and our fights slowly turned from horrible to apocalyptic. Recently I reached a point when I just couldn't keep doing the same thing anymore, so once again I shut down. I was full of anger and resentment. I was ready to give up completely, but needed an outlet for my feelings, so I ended up back here. I started ranting about my feelings and our situation and the wonderful community of nofap was here ready to hear me out. I was adviced to take a look at Dr. Douglas Weiss' Helping Her Heal - videos and I did watch them with my husband yesterday. My mind was blown and as my husband tells me, so was his. It was very emotional to watch them and it raised a lot of my pain to the surface. When I was crying after the videos, my husband just reached out and held me tightly. I can't remember the last time I felt that kind of connection and love with him. He was there present with his mind and body and accepted my hurt completely. It felt so unbelievably good and comforting. Right now I feel that this is a good place to begin anew and for me to start truly healing. Today we got to talk for a short while and had mutual agreement to start looking for a therapist for us.