My Book Of Life - Chapter 5

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by IamGold, May 21, 2018.

  1. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Today I read through my old journal on the SOS group forum. I started writing it 8 days after my husband dropped the bomb that shattered my world. As I read it I noticed that at first I was very ANGRY and HURT and i really let it show but then the tone of my writing changed. My husband relapsed at that time and after that I started to write about how I should understand my husband and be lenient towards him. That he's having a hard time and I'm making it worse by raging at him. I even took some blame for myself for his relapse. I didn't want to listen to people telling me that what he was doing was wrong and started to defend him. I posted my last entry on that journal 28 days after the bomb. That was 8 months ago, and after that I haven't been active on nofap until last week.
    When I finished reading I started to think what happeded and why I had acted that way back then. Actually I've been pondering on that the whole day and I think I know the answer.

    I was acting co-dependently. I don't wanna go into it too much, since I've discussed it here on this forum before, and it's not really the point of this journal, but I've carried alot of the burden in our marriage before and still did during that time.
    He blamed me for his relapse and I took the blame. For a couple of months after that, he blamed me for a lot other things too, mainly making him feel bad/uncomfortable by being sad, and I took that too. Suddenly I didn't feel that I could freely talk to him about my feelings anymore, and if I tried, he's goal was to reach reconciliation as fast as he could. He didn't want to face the consequences for his actions and tried his best to shut me down.

    For the last months of this past 8 month period I've resisted my co-dependent behavior and refused to keep protecting him and wasn't going to take the blame anymore. I was sick of hearing how my broken heart was such an inconvenience for him. He however still didn't want the blame either and our fights slowly turned from horrible to apocalyptic.

    Recently I reached a point when I just couldn't keep doing the same thing anymore, so once again I shut down. I was full of anger and resentment. I was ready to give up completely, but needed an outlet for my feelings, so I ended up back here. I started ranting about my feelings and our situation and the wonderful community of nofap was here ready to hear me out. I was adviced to take a look at Dr. Douglas Weiss' Helping Her Heal - videos and I did watch them with my husband yesterday. My mind was blown and as my husband tells me, so was his.
    It was very emotional to watch them and it raised a lot of my pain to the surface. When I was crying after the videos, my husband just reached out and held me tightly. I can't remember the last time I felt that kind of connection and love with him. He was there present with his mind and body and accepted my hurt completely. It felt so unbelievably good and comforting.

    Right now I feel that this is a good place to begin anew and for me to start truly healing. Today we got to talk for a short while and had mutual agreement to start looking for a therapist for us.
  2. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I feel a strange emptiness after all that's been going down. Yesterday I felt glad that I can finally start showing the hurt and the anger and to start the grieving process. I was expecting it to just come pouring out like from a faucet, but there hasn't been a single drop.
    I've never had much difficulties in knowing how i feel, but to let my feelings be shown. So I was prepared to make a real effort to express myself openly. I know there are all kinds of emotions inside me, or I know there at least should be, but I'm unable to tap into them. All I can tell is that I don't feel good.

    For the past two days, after we watched the videos, my husband has been understanding and compassionate towards me. He's fulfilled my wishes to start being active on this forum again and to book a therapist for us. Yesterday out of the blue he gave me a heartfelt thank you and a hug for being such an amazing woman and sticking it out with him through our difficulties.
    But his niceness just doesn't feel good to me. I'm having a hard time adjusting to this sudden change in him.

    Maybe the feeling I have is confusion and I should just settle to feeling that. Maybe that's enough for now.
    Deleted Account and phuck-porn! like this.
  3. Everything you are experiencing is completely normal. There is a grief process that you are undergoing .. and it is indeed a process, not a short moment in time. The 7 stages of grief are Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. There are couple links below which are a good start...but I encourage you to read those as well as the other links/resources that have been put together on NoFap.

    This journey is a rollercoaster of ups and downs--mostly downs in the beginning. You are going to love and hate your husband at the same time; you are not going to trust that anything he says or does is real/authentic; you are likely going to want to distance yourself...these are only some of the emotions and actions that you will go through.

    Do you have any close friends or a counselor/pastor that you can talk to in real life? Have you been able to open up to anyone in real life about what you are walking through?

    This NoFap community is certainly available to you...there are many hurt people here, all walking through their own journeys, helping each other, sharing advice, etc. It is great that you have started this journal--continue writing in it / pouring your heart out...there will be other SO's and PA's that come alongside you and give you support.
  4. I don't think it's unusual for you to feel this way. Right now your world is upside down (again), and you now know that the things you believed were true, are not. It's difficult to feel like you can trust or believe anything at all at this point. It's even hard to trust yourself because you question how you could have let yourself be deceived like this. I know it's so painful and confusing, and I'm sorry you're going through it.

    I read what I think is your husband's post(?) here on nofap, and it seems like maybe he is finally starting to get it. I realize it's hard to trust that after everything that's happened, but maybe this is the point where things can begin to turn around for you guys. I really hope so. You've been through enough and deserve to be happy and feel loved.
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  5. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Wow. What a rollercoaster of feelings my life has been for the past days. My husband has been lying for 8 months and last Tuesday he told me he hasn't been sober after all. That he's been PMOing away the whole time. I'm still waiting for it to sink in. It will eventually.

    I'm surprised that among many negative emotions, i've been able to feel and experience love, connection, happiness, thankfulness and safety. I've even been able to laugh and be silly with my husband. But then again, i've learned that whatever i'm feeling is normal and OK. I've also learned that those positive feelings can turn to negative with a snap of my fingers. And they do.

    This time my world didn't collapse as hard as the first time. On the first Dday I was completely caught off guard. Like walking on a street minding my own business, when suddenly I saw a bright flash, a mushroom cloud in the horizon and the next moment buildings being ripped by their foundation and pulverized into dust by the blast.
    Again this time I did get caught off guard, I wasn't expecting for another explosion, but my word was already a nuclear wasteland. There was not much to be destroyed anymore.
    What maybe hurt the most was the unfairness of it all. Why oh why did he have to drop another bomb? Didn't first one do enough damage? Give me a little mercy.

    It's good that I know about this now. Better late than never. I just wish he wouldn't have kept this secret at all. That he would have had the backbone to not lie at all.
    ...actually no! What I wish is that he wasn't a PA and that we would just have a normal standard marriage. That's what I signed up for.
  6. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Nice to see you here :) no it's been a challenge to open up to people about this. I've found that most don't really seem to understand what i'm going through. I feel like this is the only place where i've truly been heard. Thank you for the links. I will look at them tomorrow when I have time.

    Yes, my husband has been active here lately, and i'm glad he is. I too feel, like he's finally taking the first steps towards true recovery. It will be a rocky path, but I hope he stays on it.
    Last edited: May 24, 2018
  7. Why wife has said this same thing .. many times. It's hard -- people just don't understand. And honestly, many "friends" don't know what to say / don't understand the paralyzing effects of Betrayal Trauma on SO's.

    Hopefully you have at least one close friend or family member that can support you .. or at least be a listening ear for you.

    IF NOT, NoFap is always here.
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I think my friends would understand my pain, but maybe they wouldn't understand that my husband is not a pervert. I've told my two closest friends and my sister, but I've given them only the "light" version, because I'm afraid that they will judge him and me too for bringing him into their lives.
    What makes things even more complicated is the fact that he's been Psubbing with photos of those two friends and my sister and there's no way I could put that on their shoulders.

    It would be so much easier if he had just been a "normal" cheater. Not PA, just unfaithful. If I told my friends and sister that, they would immediately be able to sympatize and understand what I'm going through. Anybody could.

    Sometimes when I've been too upset to function I've resorted in calling a crisis hotline. The level of ignorance I've had to face has been unbelievable to me. The hotline is based on volunteer work and they are not professionals, but have a basic training in addictions amongst other things. Still, when I start talking about porn addiction they seem to be unable to connect the dots. People just don't know that there is such a thing as PA.

    Last wednesday we had our first meeting with our new therapist. I was moved to tears by the sheer relieve I felt for finally talking to a person who got me.

    Apart from the therapist, nofap is the place where I feel most understood and supported. It's amazing.
  9. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I just woke up.
    I'm hungry and dehydrated because I haven't taken care to eat or drink enough water for days. My hair is tangled because I didn't brush it yesterday. I was supposed to water the vegetable garden, but now my carrots are probably dead. I slept badly and had restless dreams about a life that I didn't recognice. In those dreams my husband didn't exist and it made me uneasy.

    I planned to make myself feel good today. This was supposed to be the day when I give myself a manicure, take a long hot bath and smell amazing after that. Make myself feel beautiful again. I had planned to catch up on my favorite series' and after that sit outside for a while and watch the leaves on trees ripple in the sunlight and wind with my cat on my lap. Just be in peace. I wanted to feel somewhat alive again. Maybe I'll do those things, but they won't make me feel beautiful or alive or in peace. Nothing will right now.

    Yesterday my husband's mind was somewhere far away. I was dealing with a selfish addict. The addict didn't want to understand me. It didn't want to be open. The addict wanted to protect itself. Everything was a struggle and it did't want to see that setting goals was important. Even FANOS was a problem for it and so it got defensive. It told me that it had hated FANOSing with me for the past 8 months. Oh...Ouch.

    My mind was present and I was looking forward to FANOS. But I wanted my husband, not the addict. I miss him.
  10. SteelRing83

    SteelRing83 Fapstronaut

    I am sorry honey. I wasn't there for you last night. I didn't care what is good for both of us on for our relationship and I didn't want to co-operate. I only cared for my own good and comfort zone.

    Saying "I hate fanos" means to you that during past 8 months I have hated to be connected to you and to trust on you. That have hated to say nice affirmations about you and hated to do personal growth for our best interest.

    Your sorrow and bad feelings are my fault
    hope4healing and IamGold like this.
  11. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Yesterday after my meltdown I took a long bath, meditated, watched my faforite tv shows and sat outside like I had planned. Doing the things that bring me joy made me feel more connected to myself and helped me to put some order to the jumble of random thoughts in my brain. Putting my thoughts on order helped me to start being more proactive about truly getting through this, not just surviving.

    Today I've been chewing over about what can I do to start moving forward and how to lay a solid foundation or my healing process. I decided to compile my thoughts on the things that I'm already carrying out as I should and have to remember to keep in mind, and on the things I still have to work on.

    Things to keep in mind:

    1. I've allowed myself to feel whatever the feelings I've had and I have expressed them as they are.
    I've understood that it's not only my right to do so, but also my obligation to this marriage. I couldn't have received comfort and understanding if I hadn't shown my true emotions and my husband wouldn't have had the chance to try resolving our real issues.

    I have a history of hiding my primary emotions behind secondary emotions. For instance if I've felt scared i've shown anger to seem stronger than I really am and it has been received accordingly. Behind this bravado the scared me has been left disregarded because my opponent never saw it there.

    2. I've stopped blaming myself for his addiction and everything that's come with it.
    I've realized that what my husband has done is not my fault. I have always been, and still am worthy of his love, respect and attention. What has happened is because of his shortcomings. He's been lacking in coping skills and mental strenght. Still, he's worthy of love, respect and attention too. We all are. I've understood that this has not been about love or lack of it. What has happened is separate from his love for me.

    3. I've realized that I have to stand on my own two feet.
    I have to take responsibility for my own healing. This is something that I was able to comprehend only yesterday, when I was trying to gather my thoughts in the bath. I've been in an advantageous situation to let myself sit on the sidelines for a while. We don't have kids and at the moment I don't have to go to work. It was good to be able to just take a breather and lick my wounds in peace. However I can't do that forever. Now that I've survived the initial shock I have to get back in the game.

    4. I've communicated my needs and have fought for my right to do so.
    After the first Dday 8 months ago, I let my husband off the hook too easily, like I described in my first post. This time around I've been wiser and stayed assertive. I haven't caved in or ovelooked if he has crossed my boundaries. On the other hand I've also tried to find a balance between his needs and mine and so have made sure that I haven't hogged all the ettention to myself.

    Things I still have to work on:

    1. I've tried to force my husband to think and act the way I wanted.
    I recognice that that has been co-dependent behaviour on my part, but i can't say that I've yet changed completely. I haven't been able to thoroughly grasp the fact that I honestly can't do nothing else than to express my feelings on something that bothers me and request that he changes it, but he has to want the change. I can't coerce him to think or do anything. I'm currently in a process of adjusting my attitude and the behaviour that follows, but it's still a struggle.

    2. I want to be ok right now.
    I haven't yet fully digested that grieving takes it's own time. I'ts difficult for me to accept that it's going to take maybe a year, maybe even longer. I'm in a hurry to heal and I'm reluctant to go through the grieving process. I understand that I can't hurry this and that grieving is inevitable, but having to face it all worries and scares me. I don't know exactly why (yet), but that's how I feel right now.
  12. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    A couple of days ago my husband lapsed. Ironically he was looking for porn blockers on the play store and there was a triggering logo on one of the apps. It was blurred but I looked at it and there was no question what it was. (excellent idea for a porn blocker to have a logo like that -_-)

    He told me immediately and I'm glad he did! He confessed that he knew there could be something triggering there but went there anyway. He convinced himself that if there was something he's not supposed to be looking he couldn't be accountable if he's subjected to it because it's not a place you usually go to seek P.
    As soon as he saw it he closed the play store. And once again I'm glad he did.

    I felt scared and my betrayal trauma was starting to kick in. We had a good discussion about it and I was pleased that he was the first to say that there need to be consequences for this. For the first time ever he's willing to own his actions voluntarily and not try to weasel out *cautious boo-yah!*

    A week ago when we were talking about boundaries and consequences we decided it would be a good idea to use a modified version of a carrot-and-a-stick-plan that I used to quit smoking a few years ago.

    Here's the modified plan in a nutshell:
    • For every sober day, he saves 1€ that goes to a separate bank account
      • That money is his to use however he pleases
    • If he lapses/relapses he has to pay the money back
      • Minimum payback is 50€ maximum is 150€
      • he can't touch the money on the account before he's earned back the money he lost
    We also put clothespins on a rope on our bedroom wall. One for each day of the month. On each pin, there's a positive character trait written on it. Below that rope is an empty one.
    • Every morning he takes one keeps it in his pocket and if he feels an urge to act out he can contemplate on the word and/or pinch himself with it if needed. (works the same way as a rubber band on a wrist)
    • On the next morning, if he's been sober he can put it back and feel a sense of accomplishment
    • If he's acted out he puts it on the empty rope below with the money he's lost.
    When he had to put a pin with a 50€ note up on the wall he told me it felt stupid and pointless that he had allowed himself to act out. He's very motivated by money. He also said that putting the pin on the rope below made the result of his slip-up tangible for him.
    After that, it has seemed to me that he's trying even harder so perhaps this works. At least in the beginning. Maybe we have to come up with something else at some point as the circumstances evolve.
    Last edited: May 29, 2018
  13. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Last night we had a fight. Once again the problem was FANOS.
    -To me, it's about complete openness connection and understanding --those things are paramount--.
    -He, on the other hand, has lied for the past months. To him, FANOS has been about saying anything that sounds sincere and leads me away from finding out the truth.
    (I can't believe he's been able to do that for every night for the past 8months! That's actually pretty amazing.... Hurtful but still amazing.)

    So having to cover up his guilt by lying has been nerve-racking for him and he has started to resent FANOS because of it. I get it.
    But his still nervous. Not every time but sometimes. Last night before FANOS he was visibly nervous. I know him and it was crystal clear.

    If I see the signs of nervousness in him when we are supposed to discuss our situation my mind immediately goes to omFg-is-he-lying-I-HAVE-to-find-out-RIGHT-NOW -mode. I've nowadays learned to keep my cool and talk about it like a sane person. And that's what I did.
    I tried to explain and tell him what I needed but it was received with excuses and evasiveness. I felt the anger bubbling up so I took a 5min break to gather my thoughts. When I came back I tried to explain my feelings and needs more clearly. He didn't want to understand and when he started to demand that I should give him a break I understood that I wasn't dealing with my loving husband, but the addict inside him.
    There is no reasoning with the addict because the addict does not want to be reasoned with. It wants to shoot down everybody who dares to question its blamelessness.

    I'm not proud of it, but I lost my shit when he stood there gaslighting and evading issues but at the same time ironically insisting that I should reward him for wanting to change. From that point, I stooped to his level and let my betrayal trauma take over. I yelled at him and that made him angrier and even more evasive. That made me angrier and more scared. It spiraled from there and it was like two icebreakers crashing head-on causing more and more damage as they go. It stopped when I decided to wash my hands from it and go to bed.

    Now I'm not talking to him. Not because of immaturity, but I'm waiting For the addict in him to subside and for the real him to emerge.

    There are a few things I've learned from this:
    • If I notice I'm dealing with the addict and not my husband I should remove myself from the situation completely. I should NOT let it get under my skin and engage in this destructive pattern.
    • I should understand that progress is not linear and stop expecting success every time. I should be patient and after some time asses if he's moved forward.
    Last edited: May 30, 2018
  14. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I miss the times when I was 26 and didn't yet know about my husbands lies or PA and didn't realize that there was something sinister about our relationship. We always used to be silly together and go on lots of dates in new places. During those times we made love daily and everything was just so easy and simple. It didn't feel that way then, but now when I look back, all the little arguments and "hardships" we had seems so stupidly petty.
    I used to be an outgoing fun-loving friend and men found me attractive. I didn't know that enjoying social situations and being good company for people isn't something taken for granted. I didn't have a clue that someday I would be sitting on this sofa wondering what the hell happened to me?

    Somewhere along the way, I just started to be more withdrawn and my self-esteem started to fall. I wasn't aware of my husband's problems with PMO, or of the fact that it worsened year after year sucking all the joy and spontaneity out of our life together. I didn't notice or understand that my relationship with him slowly changed me and repressed me to the same passivity and isolation where he was in.
    When I was younger I had high hopes for myself, but I haven't gotten anywhere during these 9 years of marriage. Now I've found myself in a situation where I don't know what to do or how to start climbing out of this hole where my husband has dragged me in with him.

    When I look in the mirror I see an unattractive loser looking back at me. I'd like to be outgoing and social but I don't know how anymore. I'm nervous about going to places because I'm afraid that people will think I'm pathetic and ugly. Even posting on here on nofap is unnerving because I don't feel that I'm smart or pleasant enough or that my English is bad.

    One of my friends invited herself over today. She's one of those friends who's facebook photos my husband used as P-subs. She looked radiant when we saw her and she had her beautiful 2-year-old in her arms. I felt like an ugly duckling at her side and my next thought was that I have never even been able to get pregnant.
    We hugged and as she was hugging my husband I felt a tiny but nasty jolt in my heart. I tried my best to seem happy and make a few jokes hoping that nobody would notice my face reddening from uneasiness. It didn't make things any better when I glanced at him and noticed that he seemed a bit uncomfortable. It only reminded me that us hanging out together will not be the same anymore.
    The whole time I was next to her talking I wondered if my husband was comparing her to me. Finally, when they left she invited us over sometime. I just smiled and thanked her thinking that there's no way I'll bring my him along.

    When they had gone I didn't immediately feel much anything but as the evening went on I started to feel this painful lump growing in my chest. The more it grew, the more irritated and defeated I became. I'M ANGRY! There, I said it. I'm so fucking angry at him for taking so much from me. I'm angry at him for taking my joy, for ruining my friendships, for holding me back for all these years.
    I feel like the shock that his deeds caused, has awoken the real me sleeping under all this crap he has piled on me over the years.
  15. it is good for you to be angry.
    It is good to vent that anger.

    This is all part of the long, gory, difficult process.

    Sorry that you have to go through with it...NONE of this is your fault.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, I feel you on the angry part and everything it took away. So much. I no longer see the world the same way, and it sucks.
  17. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    It's just starting to sink in that this will indeed be long, gory and difficult:(
    and I can't get around it no matter how hard I try...

    very well put. It really SUCKS. And it's so unfair.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Okay, so the anger has really started to rear its ugly head now. I guess it's a good thing. It means that I'm moving forward.
    SteelRing hasn't been very helpful though. He's forgotten that he's supposed to listen and validate my feelings and not start to talk about his own problems.
    I've been so blind with rage that there have been moments when I've felt that I can't control myself anymore.
    SR has been aggravating me but that doesn't mean that I get to behave any way I want.

    I need to vent, but it's clear that SR is not a safe target.
    He just escalates my anger by reacting defensively and we both end up hurting more.
    So to let the feelings out I'm going to take part in an art therapy group that's starting after summer.
    I've also started writing angry letters to SR, but I never let him read them, I talk and shout and cry alone imagining he's there listening, and sometimes call a hotline to vent. Also writing here is a big help.

    For the past two weeks, my thoughts haven't been as organized as I would've liked and so I made a list (compulsive list maker here:D) of things that I feel I've lost and that I should be grieving about.
    #1 on that list is: what I thought I was to him.
    I started writing about it and in the process I got furious. After a while, I sank in deep sorrow and just cried it out.

    I plan to grieve one loss at a time and process each as long as I still feel like I have something to say about it (and then maybe some more). There are so many topics on that list that it feels completely overwhelming to think about all of them at the same time.

    so for the following days, I'm going to vent mostly about loss #1 here.
  19. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    loss #1 what I thought I was to him

    I've lost the feeling of being the most important and cherished being on earth for SR.
    He's no longer the man who thinks of me as his sweetheart.
    I lost that man years ago.
    I just didn't know it.

    It feels cold and lonely and unfair...
    ...that what think I am to him has now changed...
    ...that he hasn't felt the way I've thought.
    He took it from me.
    That bastard.

    Still, every single cell in body aches for his affection.
    I want to feel like I'm his bright moonbeam again.
    I want him to think of me as his true companion.
    I want to be the joy in his life.
    I want my life to be beautiful again.
    I didn't want to give that up.

    It hurts me to think that he's seen me in a different way
    ...but still acted like I was his sweetheart.
    That in reality he's looked at me and seen something that's ugly on the inside.
    That instead of being his dearest treasure, he's seen me as his enemy.
    As someone, he needs to defend himself against.

    Now I will always have this knowledge...
    ...that he has secretly resented me for years
    ...that he has thought awful things of me.
    And I fear I will never ever be able to feel like his moonbeam again.

    I wish I hadn't found this out.
    I wish I could have stayed in the warmth of my illusion of a happy union.

    I remember how it felt in the beginning.
    I felt so important and special.
    I remember feeling like the sweetest, most precious thing in his life.
    At some point, I just wasn't anymore.
    At some point, he stopped seeing me that way.
    Somehow it all became tainted.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  20. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    "loss #1 what I thought I was to him" continues

    SR has had a habit to leave cute little drawings around the apartment for me to find after we've had a spat.
    I've stored them in a box on my nightstand.
    There are a lot of them....and they were precious to me in the past
    ...then I learned about his double life

    The box has been on my mind a lot lately
    and I've grown to hate it and what it represents.
    It's nothing but a box of lies to me now.

    He's left new drawings for me between the first d-day and the second but they haven't made it to the box.
    Every single one of those drawings has caused a wince of annoyance and anger in me when I've found them I've thrown them to the trash
    ...and then felt guilty for not appreciating them.

    But it's not ok to behave like an asshole and make me feel like the worst person on earth.
    and then expect it all to be ok and forgiven just because I got a funny drawing out of it.
    It just doesn't work like that.
    What am I supposed to do with a stupid drawing when my whole life has been turned upside down?

    I'm not just some simple-minded little girl who keeps her mouth shut and sits in the corner looking pretty.
    I'm so much more complex than that
    but that's the way he's seen me someone who he can dump all his bullshit on without any consequences someone who he doesn't have to respect someone who doesn't need anything except a nice drawing once in a while

    I'm not stupid.

    I scanned one of the drawings.
    The fish is him and I'm the bird
    There was a poem there:
    (translated and simplified)
    You don't have to be sad
    because I will not hurt you

    How ironic.

    I will burn these.
    I will set them on fire and dance around it.
    I will burn the whole fucking box.
    Kenzi and TryingHard2Change like this.

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