My Book Of Life - Chapter 5

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by IamGold, May 21, 2018.

  1. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    The anticlimax - that is what NoFap is all about :D
     
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  2. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Lol! Indeed!:D
     
  3. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Today is one of those days when the world just seems such an exhausting place.
    Things are currently going well between SR and me, but the stupidity of humankind is really weighing on me today.

    Sometimes when I think about my life, all that's been said and done, our marriage, porn... and everything, it all just drags me down a bit and I start feeling just totally fed up with it all. It's hard to describe, but it's like a hate towards everything that is wrong in this world that contributed to SR becoming addicted to porn.

    I hate that there even is such a thing as porn, and how It enforces the idea that women are a commodity. So much that it even crept in my marriage between me and my husband, and made him see me as an object. I hate that the country I live in is supposed to be among the forerunners in equal rights but still I encounter sexism on the grassroots level every day.
    For a long time, I've dreamed how it would feel like to go outside and not be judged on how attractive or unattractive I look. Or not to be catcalled, or not having to be afraid of getting raped. Or not be considered weak or unintelligent by the opposite sex when I open my mouth.

    Phew! [end of rant]

    We're still getting used to living without the highest highs and the lowest lows... or on the "gray zone" as we like to call it. It's starting to feel good and even rewarding... It's actually really nice.

    Now that RDR 2 came out, we're spending a lot of time playing, which is a welcome opportunity to have some fun together for a change. It reminds me of the more simpler and happier times back in 2010 when we were playing the first part. Aww, the memories.
     
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  4. Video games... awesome :)
     
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  5. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Have you played it? It's GLORIOUS!:D
     
  6. I’ve heard that, but I haven’t seen it personally.
     
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  7. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I tried to write yesterday, but I was unable to put my feelings into words.
    So I started drawing.
    strp1.jpg strip2.jpg
     
  8. You are quite talented.
    It really expresses emotions well. And the dark place an SO finds them self.
     
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  9. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I'm sad
    and anxious.

    A couple of days ago SR took me on a date
    which was nice
    I felt special to him

    now everything has turned upside down again
    because he lapsed

    I had to pry it out of him
    I shouldn't have engaged this
    I should have let him lie to me and I should have kept my distance
    I knew something was up when I got home and he was acting weird
    But haven't I learned already?

    I'm tired
    He's probably PMOing away at work right now
    I know it and I don't need his confession anymore
    I know it.

    I wonder how much can I take before I reach some limit.
    Every betrayal makes me number
    more jaded
    but somehow I still keep breathing
    only to realize there's more sorrow to endure

    It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

    Is this really my life now?
    Lying face down in the mud?
    Feeling like a zero?

    I can't find the strength to pull myself up right now
    maybe later.
    For now, I'm going to lie here in the mud
    injured...
    heartbroken...
    insignificant...

    Oh my life
    I have no fight left in me
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    A outside perspective... Every time things get Good, or past the point of stale and normal... It seems like he relapses.
    Like as soon as you guys are Nice again, that's what happens...
    Maybe address that and look for a Why?
    Good luck.
     
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  11. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Yeah.. That's one of the patterns we(he) follow(s).
    He sort of hets too excited when things are good and then forgets what he's supposed to do...
    We touched the subject last time in therapy
    We obviously need to continue on it.
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I don't think he Forgets... I think he Panics... My husband did the same thing.
    Feels the need to sabotage the good because he's not allowed to have it
     
  13. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Oh.. i think you're right.
    I kind of already knew this.
    Thanks for making me remember to try and understand him too.
    ...helps me to not feel so sorry for myself.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    *Hugs*
     
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  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    This is BRILLIANT! You are very talented. This speaks a thousand words ... can so relate, my husband talks about how amazing he's feeling, empowered, and don't get me wrong - I'm happy he's feeling successful but I can't help feel like I'm still wasting away over here - in the upheaval & pain of it all. I can't just shake it off. And what if he falls again, i'm just thrown back on that roller coaster for another round!
     
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  16. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Would you be happier without me?
    I don't think you want me in your life anymore.
    You seem fine with the distance I wanted.
    You know I'm waiting but you're not making a move.
    Please tell me. Should I give up?

    This pattern that we keep repeating is killing my spirit.

    Each time you take away your love from me my heart shatters all over again.
    It's the coldness in your eyes...
    The angry silence...
    Where did you go?
    Where is the love of my life?
    Why have you deserted me?

    Maybe I'm a fool for hoping.
    I'm not good enough. I try, but I'm still not.

    I want to be happy...
    ...but I want you to be happy too.
    Maybe you feel like I'm holding you in a cage and the coldness I see is you trying to break free.
    But darling... there's no cage.
    You're free to go.
    Don't feel obligated to stay because of my sorrow.
    I love you.
     
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