My Book Of Life - Chapter 6

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by IamGold, Apr 27, 2019.

  1. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut


    ”I'm an inherently unpleasant person and a burden.”

    ”Everyone I love secretly hates me and don't want me in their lives.”

    ”I deserve my unhappiness because ultimately, I'm to blame for everything.”

    ”I'm ugly and a worthless human being”

    These are the beliefs that I have carried with me for the larger part of our ten-year relationship.


    But no one has known until now and I've never told anyone the ugly truth about what happens behind the closed doors.
    I've been walking around with a mask on so that everyone would think that I'm strong and that I have my life together.
    ...so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain.



    I surrender.

    I have to.


    I haven't been around nofap for some months. The place annoyed me because I wasn't ready to accept this brokenness and confusion.

    But I am where I am and there's no way around it.

    I'm ashamed to admit that I can't manage right now.
    Ashamed, because I should be studying. I should be taking care of my friendships. I should be eating healthy and exercising like a normal person.
    And since I'm not managing I should try to get better so I could manage.
    I'm ashamed that I can't manage even that.

    But there's a big difference between saying
    ”I might have suffered because of my husband's PA but other people have had it so much worse than me”
    and
    ”As an attempt to protect his addiction my husband has emotionally manipulated me for years to a point where I'm convinced that I'm a disgrace to my loved ones. I'm experiencing crippling anxiety and sorrow daily and I'm having difficulties coping with my everyday life.”

    This is me trying to expose the full truth of my situation to myself.
    and the next step is to try to feel the feelings that follow.

    This seems like a good place to start a new chapter.
    No more over-rationalizing my emotions.
    No more taking on fault and responsibility that's not mine to own.
    No more shutting myself down.
     
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I understand every word you said here. I, too, have worn the mask and stood behind the facade. Doing that somehow allows you to push the pain to the side for awhile. But, it's still there and keeps building.

    Everyone has a limit.

    Getting to this point is a big deal. It doesn't seem like it should be so hard to get here...but it really is. You are brave and strong, and you deserve to rise from this as a happier and even stronger person who's loved and appreciated. You are not a disgrace to anyone. You are not ugly. You are not worthless. I'm so sorry you've ever had to feel that way. It's cruel and unfair. I'm so proud of you for realizing that none of this was because of you and for refusing to take responsibility for it anymore. I hope this is the beginning of a new chapter for you. Hugs.
     
  3. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Three months ago in therapy, SR told me that he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce.
    That evening I hugged him tightly, cried and begged.
    The next day he kicked me out of our home in anger.

    It was so unfair
    so damaging.

    When we met, SR was the gentlest and kindest man I have ever known. I was well on my way in recovering from depression and had ended my career as a call girl so my life was kind of messy but he made me feel accepted and so at ease by being endlessly sweet, patient and loving with me.

    I was motivated to recover fast and I did with the help from an array of professionals and SR's healing love. So there I was, past traumas dealt with, stronger than ever standing firmly on my own two feet ready to take on the world.

    After a couple of years of being together, it started to bother me that he was so extremely ”kind” that it felt like I was in a relationship with a ghost. He didn't express his own ideas or needs anymore (I'm not even sure if he had them at that point), or never demanded anything. He fulfilled my every need and never ever showed his anger to me even if I behaved badly. I don't think he ever realized that I didn't need to be handled with silk gloves.

    I began feeling lonely and burdened for having to balance on a fine line of being able to express myself and at the same time trying to be as fair to him as possible. But back then I never knew what he was feeling or thinking, so what was ”fair” was based on my own guesswork and there was no way for me to succeed.

    In total helplessness watched anger and resentment insidiously building up behind SR's eyes and my distress slowly became a permanent part of my life.

    There was no clear turning point, but the once kind man I married had become cold-hearted towards me. I didn't know it back then, but he was resorting to PMO more and more often and as a result, in addition to not being interested in me emotionally, our love life diminished into an occasional soulless re-enactment of porn clips. Because of my past, I felt wretched. I felt like I was once again in a role to please and serve... insignificant... worthless.

    I was desperately trying everything to fix what I saw was clearly broken. I blamed myself for not being kind enough towards my sensitive husband, so I came up with all kinds of projects to boost his confidence, help him trust me and make him feel loved, hoping he would eventually feel secure enough to let his love and affection flow freely. None of it worked so time and time again I found myself searching for the fault in myself.

    For years in our marriage, I felt like a monster for supposedly robbing SR's sense of self and suppressing him with my alleged tyranny.
    It didn't fully make sense to me, because I thought that what I was trying to do was good.

    Then came Dday #1 and for me, amongst all the hurt and confusion was a sense of relief.
    A relief because suddenly there was the missing piece to the puzzle...

    But...

    According to SR, everything was still my fault.
    And I listened
    And I internalized it:

    I caused his relapses by making him upset by being upset
    I was too demanding because I wanted validation
    I was impossible to please because I wasn't ready to forgive and to forget
    I hindered his recovery by bothering him with my needs
    I made it impossible for him to be empathetic because of my anger
    I made him so unhappy that he needed to escape by acting out more often. In other words, a habit turned to addiction because of me.
    and...
    I made him not love me and to want a divorce because during our 10-year relationship I had been selfish, mean and ungrateful, and I had taken advantage of his "kindness".

    When he showed me the door I had an opportunity to distance myself and see the absurdity of all the things I had accepted as the truth.
    I'm back now. I wasn't away for more than four days but it was enough to add a painful insult to injury... literally.

    I can see he's trying to be better
    but my chest still hurts.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2019
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  4. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Had a conversation with SR.
    I felt heard.
    He's starting to see that I'm not quiet and gloomy because I choose to be.
    If I had a choice I would want to just be happy.

    I asked him for space to feel whatever I'm feeling
    and not be afraid of his reaction.
    I don't want him to become so guarded and downhearted every time he sees I'm not feeling good.
    It makes me want to pretend when I'm around him
    because it feels like a punishment to me.

    He said he gets it now.
    admitted that he's always sort of expected me to reciprocate his good moods
    and if a didn't, he's felt punished.
    I said I get it
    but we both agreed that the whole pattern is ludicrous
    and that it's an obstacle for my healing and brings us further apart.
    --------------------------

    I find that I have no access to my feelings about the betrayal whatsoever.
    This funk that I'm in is mainly caused by secondary issues and the emotions that they bring
    and I'm stuck here.
    I'm not crying nowadays and I'm too tired to be angry. I just feel sort of... quiet, but not in a good way.
    Maybe I'm being impatient
    maybe as things progress I'll start feeling something. Idk
    I'm thinking about starting some sort of course on Bloom
    I don't know yet, I have to look into it a bit more.
     
  5. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I do this a lot. I know it isn't good, and I tell myself all the time that I'm not going to do it anymore, but then I find myself doing it anyway. I want to let him know how much I'm hurting, and I think it's only fair for him to know how much I'm impacted by the betrayal trauma. But, we all know this situation isn't fair in any way. He really doesn't want to know the depth of my pain. He's acknowledged that it's there but doesn't want to see beyond the surface. So, when I do try to express my anguish over this mess, he denies, deflects, throws around blame, minimizes, etc., and as you said, it feel like a punishment. That makes it hurt even more so I go right back to pretending again. But, that hurts, too. It's just not the intense, in your face pain that happens when I'm trying to be real.
    I'm sure my husband would agree with this. But, this goes along with what I said above. They want us to reciprocate their good moods, even if they know we're hurting, because if we don't and we show our pain, they are faced with the reality of how their PA has damaged us. So, even though our feelings and betrayal trauma aren't really a punishment to them, they are a consequence of their actions...a consequence that they don't really want to accept so instead they choose to look at it like we are punishing them. And, this perpetuates the cycle of 'pretending' to avoid having the blame misplaced on us.

    I get this. You can only feel the constant waves of emotions for so long before it becomes too overwhelming. After awhile, you almost feel shut down. Numb. The pain is still there, but you just live in a trance. You haven't accepted things like they are, but you aren't fighting them at the moment either. I think we go through times like this just to give ourselves a mental break. But, it won't last forever.

    I know several people who have found Bloom to be very helpful. Maybe it's worth trying?
     
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  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    564
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    Perfectly said. In addition, we can be made to feel like relapses, etc are somehow the fault of our moods or behavior.
     
  7. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I started the first course on Bloom.
    I like it a lot.
    The first part of the course is a video explaining what the people who have gone through betrayal trauma are experiencing.
    Statistics and such.
    It resonated with me and I wanted to show it to SR so that he could better start to understand what I'm going through.
    He was interested and kept asking where I would fall in each statistic
    It made me feel calmer because I saw that he finally wanted to understand and that the information was sinking in.

    He told me that he just hasn't gotten it before
    how profoundly his actions have impacted me.
    I'm not choosing to be like this
    It's not about punishment or revenge but a constant fight-flight-freeze mode.

    I haven't thought about it either
    about being in constant survival mode... for two years and counting... and what it's doing to my body.
    I meditated a bit to give myself a short break from the ongoing turmoil in my head
    and for the first time in months, I had a moment of safety.

    -----------------------------

    I've been hoping for SR to notice me.
    Our sex life has been problematic for years
    Our last time was weeks ago and we had to stop in the middle because it felt so pretentious.

    Now, shark week is approaching and I'm feeling randy
    so I've tried to seduce him
    been trying for days
    and he hasn't taken the bait...
    hasn't even noticed it.

    I told him that being ignored over and over again makes me feel like an idiot for even trying anymore.
    I was surprised that his response was to apply what he's recently allowed himself to learn from 'help her heal' videos and the 6 steps that Dr. Weiss lays out in them.
    I ended up buried in his armpit sobbing
    First time in what seems like an eternity, I was able to cry.
    And not cry just about any random thing, but about something that's in the core of my trauma.
     
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Wow. To be heard and understood...they'll never truly understand how important that is to us. But, this is a huge improvement! Not only listening openly, but asking specific questions about your situation? And, he's taking mental notes from Dr. Weiss and applying them? This is such a positive step in the right direction for you guys. :)
    I hope this is the beginning of your path to healing, for your marriage, and more importantly, for yourself. You deserve to be happy and feel loved, and I hope that's where you're headed. Stay strong.
     
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  9. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    This really does feel like huge progress and I want to hold on to it as if my life depended on it.
    But I'm trying not to get too excited yet because I'm still scared that it won't last.
     
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  10. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I'm not doing good.

    *rant

    It's hard for me to adjust to this change that's happening...
    suddenly my life is unpredictable and foreign.

    I almost wish that I could return to the horrible, but a comfortingly familiar cycle that we used to repeat:
    1. Problems swept under the rug, not really connecting but still having fun
    2. Me getting worried when SR is showing signs of slipping to unhealthy patterns
    3. Me doing everything I can to prevent SR slipping completely
    4. SR feeling attacked and becoming defensive
    5. Me getting panicked, hurt and angry
    6. Two to three days of really unhealthy and unfair fighting
    7. Superficially reconciling
    8. Both still feeling resentful under the surface but acting amicably
    and then back to 1. And then 2, 3, 4...

    I do know that facing our problems and talking about them openly is good
    And I am thankful now when it's possible
    I really am.
    But I'm overwhelmed.
    I can't find peace anymore
    Now, everything that's happened and all the pain is out in the open,
    and my mind can't calm down for a second.

    Gut-wrenching feelings and thoughts just keep flashing in my head from moment to the next with an occasional: "oooh, a pretty soap bottle!"
    but then it's right back to: "gaaaah! My life is a mess and I should do something and now my chest is aching and I can't stop panicking because I don't know what to do and maybe I'm having a heart attack but what about my responsibilities and I need a smoke but I shouldn't be smoking because it's bad and I'm bad for not being strong enough to talk about my feelings right now....!"

    Then I go to sleep and I have nightmares about my dead dog and apparently, our cat was killed and eaten by raccoon dogs and SR is not there and I'm traveling and the place is weird and then I'm being chased and then everybody I love is dead.

    My body is telling me that it's had enough.
    My pulse isn't calming down
    I have a splitting headache
    and I'm having constant heartburn.

    end of rant*

    I'm trying to meditate and just breathe.
    trying not to go too much in my head where I ruminate.
    trying to allow myself to be the mess that I currently am.

    "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."
    -Rainer Maria Rilke, Rilke's Book of Hours
     
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  11. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Hello @IamGold ...just wondering how you're doing? Hope things are going ok. :)
     
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  12. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Checking on you, @IamGold Hoping you're doing well. :emoji_purple_heart:
     
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