My Boundaries are confusing and I’m really broken.

I’m really struggling even to post this but I think if it’s out in the open, something can be learned.

Quick Recap:
Feb 5th: DDay
Married almost 4 years, together 7 years, had beautiful blended family 4 kids. Life was bliss.
Husband- lied about his PA the whole time we’ve been together, 27,000 hidden debt unaccounted for, MO’d thinking about my 18 yo daughter.
Immediate physical separation followed by leagal separation. We still text almost daily, mostly about logistical stuff but also how each of us are doing. I’m brutally honest. I’m routing for him- he appears to be doing a lot for his recovery including professional sex addict counseling and doesn’t want to lose me.
I’m in counseling. My counselor is all about me healing and protecting, but also has hope for reconciling our marriage.
I love my husband, but feel like there’s probably no hope because my daughter. (His step-d).

We had a night of passion with O last week.

So many mixed feelings... joy, sadness, excitement, disappointment in self, embarrassed, encouraged, angry. I can’t say regret though...

Im trying to recognize things that led up to this.

I’m seriously vulnerable right now. I started getting emotionally close to a man that was listening to my woes and helping me and it scared me. I abruptly ended this emotional closeness and I told my husband about it. I think this illicited dome sort of - “we are slipping through each other’s fingers effect.”

I have been exhausted and this happened at 11:00pm when I started my moves on him... it was definately me making the first move. He was hestitant- I’m sure confused... it felt like a dream, like a really amazing dream and I was in the love zone, and didn’t think about all the disgusting things he’s done- I was even not ashamed of my body- not self conscious- just let it all out there.

That day my counselor adviced me to block the guy I was getting close to emotionally, and also told me that if I feel like having sex with my husband, that I could do as I felt... but he said to go to a neutral ground... not our house- (we went to a nice expensive hotel room and he paid for it- not on credit... lol...) is this good advice? I don’t know.

My husband is doing no PMO, unless O is with me... but here’s the thing that bothers me most about this... I had thoughts of “the chaser effect”.. some paranoia about the consequences to his recovery... but not enough care... I wanted sex- for me- even if it screwed him up. That’s what’s disturbing, Is that I didn’t put his recovery first. I put my sexual desire before him. I have no intention on working on our marriage right now... it was just a pleasure ride I was seeking. Please don’t judge.

Ok, Then I’m also reading this Betrayal Bond book... and I am realizing how really messed up I am. I scored very high on the trauma bonds and trauma pleasure. This means I’m attracted to those who will hurt me and I like it basically... ugh...

I need an overhaul.

Any other SO’s dealing with this kind of shit in their heads?

 

My counselor said that his porn problem has nothing to do with me or what I do. That me having sex with him would not cause him to watch porn or not watch porn... like I have no control over what he does.

Husbands sobriety is No P, no M., only O with wife but that was supposed to be after 90 days— and it think it’s been about 65, so he should reset.

Here’s the thing that is not normal- I have been trying to help him all this time and it’s like a big switch in my head happened and I didn’t really care if I was helping him or not. I didn’t care if having sex was going to throw him off course. This is unlike me. So I’m trying to figure out why in the hell I would risk that. Is it because I’m just sabotaging it so that I can have closure? I mean I really did want to have sex and My want took priority over his well-being. And I will have to figure out what you’re talking about Ghosty... because it really didn’t seem like I wanted to have sex but maybe there is an alternative motive I don’t understand in myself.

 

Ugh—I meant “it really DID seem like I wanted to have sex...”

But I’ll look for that alterior motive in Betrayal Bonds...

 

Thanks TinaK.
I was really hesitant to post because of possible backlash like— I’m not doing him any favors by having sex with him... but what about MY needs? Why should I suffer for this? (There’s no getting around the suffering...), but come ON!!! I’m 45 and how much longer am I going want sex? I want to be desired and enjoyed... and I want to enjoy good sex! He ruined it! I don’t want to wait years for recovery just on a maybe he will recover... I’m feeling extremely impatient... and for lack of better word— horny.

 

Also... with our sexual experience- it was all about me... I mean in my head I was not really worried about his sexual satisfaction.... and it was good for me. I did not “serve” him- I put him where I wanted... hope this isn’t triggering... how do I put a trigger alert? Anyway- I just won’t get discriptive, I didn’t do anything that the porn shows... I mean, porn is not what sex should look like. Men who look at porn have it all wrong. (Again, not getting descriptive), But what I have looked at which is not much, and in talking with all of my friends who are real live women, we would not like most things that are shown on porn. Porn is definitely geared toward men’s pleasure. I’m going to be working on getting myself healthy and I’m not going to allow man’s pleasure above my own in my next relationship. It will be equal and there will be a lot more time spent in the bedroom.

 

Oh boy... Go ahead Ghosty... lol

 

Thank you. Seriously means a lot. Bringing a tiny tear to my eye. I feel loved and supported by both SO’s and you recovering PA’s. I just got through with a Nurse Retreat healing workshop (for nurses), and of course I broke down and got lots of hugs and love. I’m feeling pretty good sitting at a pub by myself (there are many happy people hear) with a pear cider, and hippy music ... omg... John Denver Take Me Home is playing and I’m in a small rural town I’ve never been in. Feeling grounded and stable.

 

Your responses are welcome. I’m gathering all points of view!

 

This will definately be a challenge. Already emotionally attached to someone, but immediately cut it off cause it scared me. The way I feel lately it will be a challenge emotionally and physically. And don’t want people thinking I run around having sex... I don’t do that, but somehow lately I’m thinking about it... I guess better that I go with my separated husband than a guy at a bar... confessions of an SO. I start getting the attitude- well he’s been having fun enjoying himself all this time, denying me because he’d rather have porn... so maybe it’s MY turn!!!

 

Ghosty- analyze this! (Please).
It’s TMI and so personal but whatever... if it helps others, I don’t care. And nobody knows who I really am... (wink face).

It’s the text that my husband said to me after I checked on him after sex.

Him to me:
No chaser, searches, urges, PMOing. Just wanting to be next to you and hold you. I loved being with you and enjoying just you. I’m worried that you will be regretful of what happened and it will cause negative effects.

Me to him:
I’m processing...

I definately enjoyed our love fest last night, but I don’t know how productive that is to my healing— I’m not going to worry about it for now. It’s what I wanted. I just wish we could have been together the whole night with breakfast in the morning. It was a nice place.

(Then later I texted)

I should have waited 90 days. I’m afraid it opens you up to remember that feeling and want it again. I’m afraid you’ll relapse because of last night. I’m sorry, I should not have risked it. I put myself and my desire for sex in front of recovery... that’s not good. It means I cared more about my fix now than the long term you getting better and us having a relationship. It may seem like a good sign that we had sex but the more I think about it the more it makes me realize that it was a sign that I don’t have hope for the future If I’m willing to risk your recovery like that. What are your thoughts?

His text to me:

I’m glad we still desire each other and can have a connection sexually. Last night was bittersweet because you had to go and we couldn’t stay. Just reminder for me of what I’ve lost and what I can permanently lose. My perspective it was a sign of growth by both of us but also reminder the healing we still need to do. We have to remain steadfast of healing ourselves and not letting sexual desire overrule what really needs to happen. I haven’t had any temptation urges or chasers because of what happened last night. Last night gave me encouragement of what I can gain by healing and defeating my demon. I don’t think that we need to come to the same conclusion of the results of what we did. But what I seem to think both of us are saying is that we still need to focus ourselves and healing. I don’t see what we did as a bad thing, I see it as a learning tool.


So does it seem like it might have actually been a good thing? I don’t plan on doing it again, but...

 

Not just sex- definately desire...we were in the hotel room for two hours and in the car for at least a half hour before that messing around. I do not know the quantity of oxytocin or dopamine... lol.. and that makes me laugh just to type that...

I texted him “How are you doing today?”

It’s a text I sent him.

 

Get good sleep! I appreciate your input- later.

 

It’s tragic because he does show signs of change- he IS more emoiinally thoughtful and available. He is in professional sex addiction therapy and a men’s group focused on recovery and also a small men’s group (those are his accountability partners), and noFap, but he is more just watching on nofap because he has lots of support that is face to face. He is doing good on the outside as far as I can see... but what’s in the inside. Someone said you can’t fakerecovery. I disagree. He has faked recovery. I witnessed him and believed him. He told me he use to struggle with porn in his first marriage and when we were dating for about a year, my 15 year old son came home from school early and he (boyfriend at that time) was naked in the kitchen on my computer... my son didn’t see anything because he stopped him and asked him to go out side for a second because he was naked- my son didn’t know he was PMOing... but my husband (boyfriend at the time) told me about that incident and we hadn’t had the conversation about porn yet. So after that I told him, I’m really not ok with porn if you’re with me and I don’t want someone who watches porn around my kids-

I was very naive to porn addiction at that time- 1st husband didn’t watch porn... (I think)... now I wonder.. he had a lot in his life to numb...anyway, the point is- he said that he didn’t need porn and it was just something he’s done occasionally and he would honor my wishes and not watch it alone. Right then, together we watched the specific porn that he had watched and after watching it we decided we shouldn’t really even watch it together- recognizing that it should just be us- not inviting the screen to our love party. He was on board with that-(to my face)... but later admitted that he decided to hide it better, especially later as we were going through a pre marriage book together when I said- if I find out you are watching porn, or one of my kids walks in on you- that is a back door for me... this statement he said caused him to really sink in and hide- and he hid well. I would spot check him probably weekly- he’d say for example- I had an urge to click on a pop up but I didn’t... he faked it really well and there were not visible signs because he compartmentalized so well- we didn’t argue, had a great blended family... so, he faked it so well that I cannot trust this change in him- and even if I could trust 99%, I cannot knowingly willingly put my daughter in danger. She still has a couple years living with me and she takes priority.

So I’m completely stuck... and here’s why I’m not sure we will make it- I feel more dangerous to the relationship now than he was and to explain-

Confessions of an SO:
I’m fighting my unhealthy reaction to this mess. It’s bringing up attention seeking behaviors I thought I had outgrown or had a handle on. (I’m working on that with counselor my and reading book after book)... but I’m on the hunt to feel desired and wanted, even in a shallow sexual way. I think this is part of why I just had sex with my husband- I had just broken off the emotional affair that was starting, that’s where I was receiving my “hits” of attention and feeling loved and immediately went to my husband to feel desired physically... and last night, for example, I went into a bar— only to turn heads... noticed at least 5 guys checking me out ... didn’t converse with any other than saying hi back....but how sad is that? I’m so desperate to feel pretty- that I walk through a bar just to get looked at... hide in the bathroom for a minute, then leave. This is dangerous for me, and it could have been a lot more dangerous with the things that were going through my brain... I could have gone home with one of them. I didn’t.

The drive to feel wanted is overwhelming.