My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by sweetlady, May 10, 2020.

  1. sweetlady

    sweetlady New Fapstronaut

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    Heya! I think my boyfriend is obsessed with porn and web chat porn... could this be a reason why he doesn’t want to have lots of sex with me?
    He says he likes me and loves me
     
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  2. Krillin1993

    Krillin1993 Fapstronaut

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    This is what I find really weird. Although I never had a girlfriend in my life I find his act abit like cheating. Cause when you watch porn instead of having sex with your loved ones it is dishonest in some way and not normal at all. I can only explain this like he finds another body more appealing than yours or he felt in love with watching a fetish what you can't offer him this leads to his porn addiction maybe.-but I can be wrong tho. This is not what true love should be. True love means compassion. He should also train to lower his lust and abstain from porn as well. I still can't understand why porn is needed when couples have each other. They can have literally every day sex. And for men it is also harder having more than 1-3 times sex a day....and it is hard to imagine that he need to wank off more than that instead of doing it with you. I can't believe that. If I can have it for free in action why should I do it infront of my screen and alone????? Maybe a woman can orgasm more often but definetly not for men. If he truly loves you then he need to stop watching porn to better himself. He needs to stop his addiction....otherwise it is hard to believe that he loves you. Help him to quit porn and be supportive. Tell him the benefits of NOFAP/NOPMO. He should read Mantak Chias books or better he should first read the book "Fidelity" written by Thich Nhat Hanh.
     
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  3. sweetlady

    sweetlady New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your comment. I never told him anything... we usually have sex once a week but I would have sex everyday and when I try to get closer he doesn’t want. I think it’s because maybe during the day he already did something else porn or web chat or sexting so that what I think.
    When I try to talk about it he says he feel pressure from my side and that for him having sex once per week is enough. I really don’t know what to do.
     
  4. I've been addicted to porn for 16 years and my fiance has been supportive of me of my recovery. Speaking from the perspective of an addict, the short answer is yes.

    A little background about me, I was a virgin and never been in relationship until I met my fiance. I always naively believed that my porn use isn't a big issue and that once i'm in a committed relationship my porn problem would go away. My porn use did go away in the first month that we were together, but when life got hard or we experienced some bumps in our relationship, I as an addicted use porn to treat my emotions. I always believed that the my issue with porn only impacts me and no one else. It's possible your partner may have the same belief. It took me a long time to realize how by saying yes to porn, I'm saying no to my partner and our relationship. To me porn is not personal, whenever i have an uncomfortable feeling such as an urge, anger, loneliness, rejection, I turn to porn to distract myself and make myself feel better.

    I love my partner and I love spending time with her. I feel bad that when she wants to be intimate, I can't because i jerked off the day before or that day. It's really difficult to control the addictive behavior once that urge takes over. No excuses, what i do is hurtful to her and our relationship.

    It sounds like when your partner says he likes and loves you, it could be true. The question i want to ask to your partner is that does he think he has an issue with his porn use? Does he understand how the porn use may affect how you as a partner may feel?
     
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  5. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Yes very much so, it takes the sexual desire away and also changes how they have sex in real life. Does he have PIED yet?
     
  6. Maybe you are right and he is consuming porn.
    There also can be other reasons for low desire for sex - but why do you think about e.g. 'web chat porn'? Do you have a reason to think in this particular direction?
    Did you ever talk about porn use with him?
    He might want to tell you when he sees that you are on his side.
    I thought my wife would leave me when I told her, but to my surprise, instead I have found a companion in this battle with whom I can openly talk about my problems - it helped me a lot.



    'Web-chat-porn':
    As far as I know these pages, it is possible to just watch for free, but I think there is a significant potential that it will escalate into paying for service and private sessions. In this case, you can easily see and confirm his use from his bank receipts.
    Disclaimer: I hope, we talk about the same thing (I realized on nofap that I am really inexperienced when it comes to porn :D. The SOs of porn users would frequently use vocabulary which I have to look up to understand ;).

    'Other non-pay porn pages':
    These pages make significant use of browser cookies. Also, search-bar history, web-browser auto-suggestion, download history, or bookmarked pages will likely contain hints e.g. when you start typing porn-related keywords.

    You can also just observe from the ads displayed at 'innocent' webpages: for instance, does he get overly many ads about russian/asian/... wifes etc? What are the suggestions he gets on the youtube start page when logged in or in amazon? I would say that this is difficult to completely hide even if you are very careful.

    If he is not discretive about these and if you can not see anything obvious there, I would say that it is reasonable to consider also other explanations for his low sex drive.


    btw (this is how sex and porn affect me - it will be different for everybody but maybe there are some similarities also to your boyfriend): also without porn, 1-3 times sex a week is sufficient for me - preferably on Fridays or Saturdays. I would seldom want it every day over an extended period. Sometimes, I appreciate to not have sex for 2-3 weeks, because there are other things in my life that demand attention too. I would, for instance, not appreciate to have sex the day before an important presentation or the last couple of days approaching some deadline. Also, sex usually breaks my weekly working flow and reduces efficiency (I am often slightly exhausted the day after we had sex). PMO and sex on the same day do not exclude each other, but sex would be less fun because I would not be able to focus well on my partner nor control my own ejaculation, so I might not actively search it (although I have done this at times on my wife's initiative). With one night inbetween, this becomes less of an issue, but Porn would in general render me less confident for several days in a row and lower my mood and efficiency. I might become angry more easily.


    'sexting': (I am not sure my answer fits, so I put it down here)
    I think emotional affair is often the result of sexting. I have low experience here but some years back I found my self in the beginning stages of an emotional affair into which I fell head-over (I can only recommend to immediately end contact to a person of the other sex which expresses out-of-the-usual emotional connection; without noticing, time gradually works to shift your own feelings). This was a shock to me when I noticed and I opened up and ended this on the same day. Especially, I noticed that the relation to my wife had begun to deteriorate for some days. We would be fighting more, I would be annoyed by her sometimes and I would not share everything with her anymore. Had I not stopped this the moment I noticed, I believe that my marriage would be over already. I am sure that emotional connection is very difficult to fake, in particular, love, affection and real feelings. I am quite sure that you would notice his mental absence and constant 'being annoyed' by you. If there were such problem.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2020
  7. Krillin1993

    Krillin1993 Fapstronaut

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    Do you assume he is watching porn or did you saw it?,... or did he confessed to watch porn? I think assuming things can go to a wrong direction in a relationship,...you have to talk more or ask him if you understand him enough. Just in an innocent way, without bringing up the sex question. Make sure that he feels safe and that he shouldn't be afraid to talk about any topics. Even if he watched porn dont be angry at him or even disappointed. Although I can't understand why a men should go masturbate when he can get the wildest sex every day and experiment things out. Maybe he is just stressed out and worked 8 hours a day and dont think about wanking or having sex so much? But if he doesn't cheat and still love you, there is no problem I guess. Believe me it is maybe better if you talk more, than just having pointless sex out of lust, but I also can understand your point. You need more affection and thats okay. I just want to know does he hug you and kiss you very often? Greetings
     
  8. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Your having one sided sex. He is controling it and your sex life.
     
  9. UnitedWeStand

    UnitedWeStand Fapstronaut

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    Well, try to have a discussion about it.
    Is sex the only problem with that?

    You cant force someone to do something
     

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