My Boyfriend Keeps Relapsing

i would just dump him honesty, or take all his internet away from him, that is how i have rebooted myself, internet isolation, but if he cannot keep his hands off his junk even than, than i would just leave him.

 

Hi Alyse The change needs to come from him and him alone. Theres only so much you can do. Im in his shoes right now aswell but i know deep down it can only come from me. Maybe take a break from him so he feels the loss without you if not advise him to take cold showers that will definitely stop him jerking off in the shower lol. Also when an urge arises get him to meditate for a short periods so he becomes present and watch the urges fade. Easier said than done and its hard to put it in practice. You cant make him to these but present these options to him at least. Is there a ban on his computer from all porn ?

 

The ban ? or the access to porn ?

 

Maybe see if he is open to accountability software on his phone and getting an AP or three on this site to check in with every day. But the impetus for recovery must come from him and be his idea. If his heart is not in it, it will be for naught.

 

As the above have all said... if he isn’t doing this for himself he will not succeed.
I know that’s hard to believe and hard to hear but it’s 100% the truth.

He has to want this more than anything. It’s like a smoker quits when they are ready... sure they will quit for their unborn child if they are pregnant, but because they weren’t ready to quit they will be back at it once the baby is weaned.

 

If he serious about it he needs to block that. I successfully blocked my iphone from all sexual content and through away the password for up to a year now. best decision i ever made. But it needs to come from him.

 

Is he not able to perform with you ? Or is it you just feel disrespected because he is looking at porn ?

 

If he knows you don't feel disrespected by him watching it and he is able to sexually satisfy you then why does he feel guilty ? If he just wants to stop watching porn and you want to help him you can always get him a chastity cage. This seems like the logical step for many on here that are addicted and trying to keep their relationships intact. Sexual activity for him on YOUR schedule.

 

he said he felt no guilt, that means he does not see a problem with his actions.

 

It’s common in this age to get lost in all the information and layers upon layers of thinking, wondering and justifying.. but the heart of the matter remains simple and true, truth is self evident.
Moralize it, don’t moralize it, condemn it, accept it. It doesn’t matter.
Pornography fuels lust- lust fuels desire, unending. Desire leads to suffering. Suffering is the opposite of peace. The end

You know why he’s thinking of other woman when he dreams? Because he desires other woman(doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you) but he is lustful in his heart. His conscious mind is resting and his inhibition is gone when he sleeps. Therefore you get to look at the real him. He would act on these desires too but in the waking world there are consequences to actions, so they are lived out in dreams.
If able to face no consequences so many people would do incredibly awful things to their fellow man for their own selfish desires. Compassion for many rarely extends past their immediate social circles. But life isn’t like that.. there are consequences.
You don’t feel threatened or disrespected by him watching pornography, that’s fine. But you should understand at the least how this will effect your life and his view on you. Pressure is never the answer he will just hide it from you. Your best option, your only option really if you wish to salvage a relationship with this man, is to let it run it’s course. When the issues start to crop up, which they will, address them honestly. One day- maybe in a month maybe in 20 years- You will grow tired of excuses. If you can accept him the way he is, great. PIED, secret masturbation sessions, thinking of woman other than you while he sleeps and while he is awake, it’s all part of lust. Eventually it will progress to harder stuff & more time and effort. Maybe money and then real life acting out. Why? Unending desire is the base natural of lust. That is how lust functions fundamentally. Putting gas onto a fire only makes the fire grow.
It doesn’t matter if your religious, the Bible and the Koran and the Tao all hold within them universal truths, That is why they withstand thousands of years and will withstand thousands more long after we die. This doesn’t require belief because truth is self evident. it’s right there and its base nature is always the same.

You wouldn’t have posted on here if you didn’t care. It’s something you want and maybe he does too. But he doesn’t want it enough to stop for you right now or it would be him here posting trying doing all he can to break free. And that should tell you something.

A lot of times we don’t know what we have until it’s gone, sometimes thats what it takes. Sometimes nothing will ever change a person. It’s all within like they said.
You have to make sure you honestly accept WHAT IS or you will do both him and yourself a disservice not accepting him for who he is right now. If you can not accept it, you must be honest.

 

I’m sorry, the same thing happened to me and my boyfriend, except he wasn’t honest he was lying about it for our entire relationship. I thought he was completely clean, but he was only reducing extremity in content and frequency. when I confronted him because my intuition told me he was lying, he confessed and I said that I wanted to go home. He started bawling his eyes out because he thought I was gonna break up with him, I yelled at him for the first time. But it wasn’t the porn use, it was the lying that really upset me. But I guess he associated porn with my reaction as well and he’s a paranoid little fuck now he asked me to do parental controls on his iPhone and set a password that he doesn’t know. I’m gonna do this on his computer as well, and I put accountability that sends reports. It will basically be impossible for him to relapse now, and it was all because he felt the devastation of almost losing me. Him almost losing me made him take matters into his own hands and gave me complete control, so maybe it would be worth a try if you make him feel like he’s gonna lose you. Like don’t imply that you wanna break up, just say I think we need to take a break because I’m getting sick of this.

 

If it's any comfort, this is really common -- the guy hiding it, and then his wife or girlfriend finding out and feeling betrayed. So at least he isn't uniquely bad, I read that most guys hide it from their spouse. And I think that letting him know that his relationship is at risk is a great way of discouraging that.

 

lol cmon man what kinda advice is that.

he needs to improve his lifestyle so that he no longer feels the need to relapse. this could mean more sleep, exercise, better diet, more work or more socialising

 

There's nothing you can do. Addicts can only help themselves (preferably assisted by a professional). I wish I could say otherwise, but I'm afraid that's how it is.

 

no he needs a to be hit with a shockwave of realization, and the best way to do that is dumping him, like they say you dont know what you have till its gone, he needs a wake up call, but i believe he can redeem himself.