My boyfriend no PMO 8 weeks- my reflections!

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Rav70, Feb 1, 2016.

  1. Andrew0268

    Andrew0268 Fapstronaut

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    Helped greatly. I'm starting to have some of these things happen. I'll check out your link it sounds interesting. Give him a high five from me. And good for you for helping him through it. I don't know where I would be without the girl that I talk to about it. Not so much sex, but just having someone there to listen is great.
     
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  2. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome. Feel free to ask any questions.
    Having someone to talk to is always nice.
    Forums are awesome you do realize this is a widespread phenomenon and you are not alone.
     
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  3. diamondboi

    diamondboi Banned

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    rely surprised you stayed with him. a good women you're.


    A lot of women would of left in your case.


    Craigs list... all time low for most people.
     
  4. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    You could totally take sex out of the equation and we genuinely loved to spend every possible minute of the day together. We are best friends first then lovers.
    I've never experienced that with a partner before that lasted past the initial honeymoon phase.
     
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  5. But you're not getting what Im saying. When you connect with yourself, integrate all your experiences and become the person who you truly are, then you can connect with others in a healthy way. You feel the love for yourself, you dont outsource that job to another person. Your view is co-dependency, thats whats wrong with using another person as a crutch. Its not healthy. You say you get weird when you're by yourself, this means that when it comes to relationships you are trying to take, not give. When you connect with yourself at a deep level you love yourself and you only want to give this to other people. When you foster love for yourself its spills out of you and you want to connect, its an expression of who you really are. But if you try to use another person as a crutch you're looking for them to give to you what you need to give to yourself first and foremost. What you're talking about is not healthy human behaviour.
    People who use compulsions and crutches will doggedly defend these, rather than face the job of loving themselves. This is what you're doing. Its not about being flexible or going down other routes, the pre-requisite for everything, the foundation is to connect with yourself and foster self love. Dont mistake self love for going it alone. You're not understanding the bigger picture. Creating self love and integrating means you love yourself first and foremost and as you do that you'll start to notice that people are drawn to naturally. ANd this is because you're not trying to take from them, youre not trying to use them to avoid being alone or facing yourself, because you have faced yourself and you were ok with who you really are. When you operate from a place of self love you are giving to the world. When you use people as crutches you are taking, and that doesnt work out. This girl you say isnt your girlfriend but who you "need" to be around.........man that aint gonna end well. I can tell you right now she will get with some other guy, its gonna happen and probably soon. And when it does you will be devastated and you'll be confronted with the same problem you tired to cover up with this psuedo relationship you have with her. Man for your own sake, start looking inwards instead of outwards.
     
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  6. Andrew0268

    Andrew0268 Fapstronaut

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    Ok, I've been thinking about your post for a while today and I'm kind of settled on it.

    1) I agree that I wasn't appreciating your point completely that you need to be secure and love yourself. I was appreciating it more than you give me credit for, but I wasn't appreciating it enough. That's true.

    2) I disagree that 90 days of nofap and no sex is the 100% right way to do it for every single man that is on this forum. For some guys, yes. For some, no. I respectfully disagree and here is why. I think you are confusing form with function. It's like saying, the only good guitar players are heavy metal rock stars and the only way to be a good player is to be a heavy metal rock star. I disagree, there are good folk players, country music, classical guitar players etc. 90 days is a darn good formula, but not bulletproof and not for every single person. The self love and self assurance is much more important than the 90 days.

    3) She MIGHT leave you if you don't love yourself. There are no absolute guarantees. And I believe a woman would be more than willing to stay with a man who is working through his issues and learning to love himself and be more self assured. It's not an all or nothing thing. It's not like "if you are not 100% self-assured, then a woman will surely leave you". What happens if you are only 99%, or 98% or 85%? I think it's important to know where we are and be consciously working on getting better. Nobody is a perfect package and 100% confident about everything. Everybody is a little bit codependent. I think the key is to be as close to 0% codependent as possible.

    4) You're making a lot of assumptions about me that are just not true or at best partially true. You don't know me and are assuming many positions I am holding. If I am not 100% in agreement with you than I am 100% in disagreement with you.... this is the vibe I'm getting. But, I could be wrong.


    I'll be honest and tell you that I'm trying to make a point. You have lots of good ideas. Your presentation comes off as pushy. You don't seem to have enough flexibility to see that I do agree with you (maybe that was my communication failure).

    Now, if you happen to be an expert on human interaction, psychology, and well-being, I will shutup and listen to what you have to say. Please show me my errors as you have shown your successful clients. If you're just a regular guy/gal then maybe use communicate with a little less authority.

    Yes yes... I'm a jerk for saying this.

    But, if we continue this, maybe we should do so privately and not take up the space of this woman's forum. Let's not steal her thunder.

    p.s.
    I'm really not trying to down play the importance of the main idea you are putting out there. However, I am no wordsmith. I apologize if I deeply offend you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2016
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  7. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Not possible... :p
     
    Andrew0268 likes this.
  8. Awesome read. The stuff mentioned about insomnia and restless legs is quite interesting to me - I also had sleep trouble before I started NoFap. If I went to sleep at the same time as the day before, I could usually fall asleep, but if I stayed up a little later one night, then the next night I *had* to fall asleep at that time or later.. So my sleep pattern would gradually drift from normal to completely ruined, and then be stuck there until I finally managed to force myself to stay up ~2 days and pass out at my intended sleep time. It wasn't fun.

    Now by the 7 day mark of NoFap my sleep pattern was once again ideal, but more interestingly, I've had many cheat days - days where I'll stay up til 6-7am, and yet the next day I can still go to sleep at midnight or so without any trouble. I still find myself kicking my legs in bed, but rather than being the thing that keeps me up, it oddly enough actually helps me get to sleep faster now. I also find it easy to go back to sleep if my sleep is disturbed and I awake in the middle of the night - something that was nearly impossible for me in the past regardless of how little sleep I got.

    I think a large part of it stemmed from the fact I'd become dependent on PMO to help me fall asleep, so automatically whenever I had sleep trouble I was thinking about PMO and the racing thoughts/dopamine kept me awake.

    Also with regards to the Hard Mode vs No PMO but sex allowed approaches - EVERY person's situation is unique. Some here are sex addicts in general, simply addicted to that stimulation, and in such a case I can only see an extended period of Hard Mode being of any help. Others however are merely addicted to self-pleasure, or to that desire to constantly chase more unusual kinks and sexual situations - for such people, learning to enjoy love-making without that desire for stronger and stronger fixes, may actually be more therapeutic than simply abstaining for a long period of time. If the end goal is for healthy intimate sex to be the norm, then it makes sense to make the switch to that early on.

    That said, it may be beneficial to a faster recovery if O is minimised, since overly frequent O contributes to a lot of the negative effects of PMO. Of course it depends on the individual as to whether that'd be easy or not, but perhaps it might be worth a little exploration of any of the tantric schools of sex without ejaculation. Take things slow. Explore each other's bodies. That would allow him longer breaks between O and faster recovery, while still allowing you to have sex all the time. ;)
     
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  9. Gladiatori

    Gladiatori Fapstronaut

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    I workout like 40 hours a week. I get so horny at night... I cant control it. My doy is squirting out testosterone left and right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :mad::eek: I cant stop MO right now =(.

    images82Z22YTX.jpg
    HAHAH!
     
  10. RedEd101

    RedEd101 Fapstronaut

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    I thought jerking is supposed to be good for the prostate?
     
  11. Gladiatori

    Gladiatori Fapstronaut

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    @RedEd101 Side effect due to the prostate pumping sperm... U can isolate the kegels and excercise manually. Thats just an excuse.
     
  12. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    When you do it multiple times a day? No way.
     
  13. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    It is, in moderation :) We here on this form usually don't understand that though, so most of us must refrain from it period.
     
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  14. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Masturbating is triggering the addiction memory. The negative effect of this is much stronger than the positive effect of prostate health. Therefore, we refrain from masturbating.
     
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  15. Happytravellor

    Happytravellor Fapstronaut

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    I have just read this and you are so right!!

    Being that person, "In tune" with your partner and feeling you can take on the world with them feels like a magnificent thing. BUT it is a destructive relationship and your "rock" will feel used and worn out.
    Unfortunately I know because I am that needy person and after nearly 40 years I am facing the breakdown of my marriage. I am losing my rock.
    I have been in depression, am fighting my demons and addictions and trying to become a better person.
    The hardest part is loving yourself, and I have not been able to do that. I have no answer to achieving that and can only hope that one day it will come.
    This forum is helping although I am afraid I am becoming addictive to it!!!
    So I thank everyone for your help and support and hope you can find the love for yourself
     
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  16. Happytravellor

    Happytravellor Fapstronaut

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    My apologies Rav70 for using this thread for the comments above but I thought RJ and Andrew showed such fundamental insight into my issues I didn't know where to post my thanks.
     
  17. I honestly have no idea what you're trying to say here. I think maybe you misinterpreted what I was saying. What Im saying is this, when you develop a relationship with yourself and you have compassion for your past suffering and you feel and heal the wounds of the past, what happens is you become an integrated and healthy functioning person. This means you dont act out, you dont use people as crutches and you dont engage in compulsive behaviours. It means when you enter a relationship you do so from a place of giving, not a place of desperate needing and taking. Its a feeling thats hard to articulate, the best way to describe it is as having a very solid inner foundation. And this means that when you do enter a relationship and it doesnt go well and she leaves you, as you say, its not something that destroys you or more importantly, its not something that drives you into compulsion. You'll feel sad and grieve the loss of the relationship, but in a natural way. You'll feel your emotions completely. Thats what self love and self connection is all about, having that foundation from which you operate. People with compulsions dont have that foundation, instead they will use other people and things to fill that hole inside of them, They'll do everything they can to not face themselves. The idea of say a 7 day solitary retreat off in a cabin in the mountains, fills people like that with a sense of terror because they would have to face themselves finally. I know your argument is that theres more than one way to do this. If you find that way then I wish you well. But from my experience the only thing thats successful in overcoming compulsions like PMO, is to heal your wounds from the past by re-connecting with yourself, not using other people to block things out and distract you from your feelings. That doesnt mean you cant involve people in the process, its actually very necessary to have safe people to confide in. People who you can tell your story to and be witness to your pain. Thats healing right there. But theres a difference between people witnessing your pain and using people as a way to protect yourself from facing that pain. Like theres a frantic desperation in not wanting to be alone at all costs. Thats not healing. Sitting in a room of safe people and telling them your intimate story is something magical and just heals your soul. But there comes a time to where you need to sit with yourself, no people around, no distractions and let it all in.


    This is funny, I was thinking the same about you:) I get what youre saying though. Its just that in my experience true healing always comes back to one fundamental thing: Self love(and connection). No matter what the route you take it just always comes to this.


    I dont know if you can call anyone an expert. I have a degree in psychology, sure but that doesnt make me an expert. In fact a lot of people I know who are academically well educated are so far removed from themselves its unbelievable to think they work in the psychological profession. And these are people with PhD's. I work with people with eating disorders and other compulsions.........but that doesnt make me an expert. What makes me able to speak about these things is my own life and direct experiences. My own vulnerabilities and human weaknesses. I dont think its possible to speak about these things unless you yourself have experienced them directly and come out the other side.
    Anyway I'll leave it at that, we may just agree to disagree and I wish you well in your mission to overcome your issues.
     
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  18. Gladiatori

    Gladiatori Fapstronaut

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    @SnowWhite definitely true man... heh.. I have been MO alot.. and the memories come out.. its very bad.
     
  19. feo1966

    feo1966 Fapstronaut

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    Rav70 ..... You are awesome. He is lucky to have you in his life.
     
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  20. Gautama

    Gautama Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    What a really interesting read and thank you everyone for your contributions.

    RJ_McReady

    Do you meditate? I totally get where you are coming from and I think that is down to my knowledge of Psychology. I think it may be difficult for some individuals to be able to see it from a phenomenological viewpoint which you seem to be suggesting because not everyone will have this kind of understanding. You also come across as having a Buddhist approach to your life experiences and that's why I asked the question about meditation. I'm sorry if I come across to others as condescending I certainly don't mean to.

    Rav70

    I commend you for your honesty and wish you all the best and hope that your partner is able to conquer this but I also believe that all of us who are facing this challenge need to abstain from any sexual interaction to enable us to get to our goal. That's just my view of course, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm right.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2016
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