My boyfriend no PMO 8 weeks- my reflections!

Rav70 · Apr 11, 2016

Yep I get it...

We are still doing amazing. Sex is meaningful and our relationship grows stronger as time passes.
I don't even worry about his past issues anymore. If the day comes when he falls back to PMO I'll deal with it then.
He tells me often how happy he is and I can tell he is happy too.

Ikindaknew · Apr 11, 2016

Rav70 said: ↑

Yep I get it...

We are still doing amazing. Sex is meaningful and our relationship grows stronger as time passes.
I don't even worry about his past issues anymore. If the day comes when he falls back to PMO I'll deal with it then.
He tells me often how happy he is and I can tell he is happy too.
Click to expand...

This is great!

Me and the missus are living a similar experience! I'm vigilant, I don't want to fall again in the PMO flytrap.
But we are definitely getting a lot better now. Both sex-wise and in our marriage.

Wish you great continuation!

Rav70 · Apr 11, 2016

He remembers how bad it got and has zero desire to go back there.
Good for you!

Andrew0268 · Apr 12, 2016

RJ_McReady said: ↑

I honestly have no idea what you're trying to say here. I think maybe you misinterpreted what I was saying. What Im saying is this, when you develop a relationship with yourself and you have compassion for your past suffering and you feel and heal the wounds of the past, what happens is you become an integrated and healthy functioning person. This means you dont act out, you dont use people as crutches and you dont engage in compulsive behaviours. It means when you enter a relationship you do so from a place of giving, not a place of desperate needing and taking. Its a feeling thats hard to articulate, the best way to describe it is as having a very solid inner foundation. And this means that when you do enter a relationship and it doesnt go well and she leaves you, as you say, its not something that destroys you or more importantly, its not something that drives you into compulsion. You'll feel sad and grieve the loss of the relationship, but in a natural way. You'll feel your emotions completely. Thats what self love and self connection is all about, having that foundation from which you operate. People with compulsions dont have that foundation, instead they will use other people and things to fill that hole inside of them, They'll do everything they can to not face themselves. The idea of say a 7 day solitary retreat off in a cabin in the mountains, fills people like that with a sense of terror because they would have to face themselves finally. I know your argument is that theres more than one way to do this. If you find that way then I wish you well. But from my experience the only thing thats successful in overcoming compulsions like PMO, is to heal your wounds from the past by re-connecting with yourself, not using other people to block things out and distract you from your feelings. That doesnt mean you cant involve people in the process, its actually very necessary to have safe people to confide in. People who you can tell your story to and be witness to your pain. Thats healing right there. But theres a difference between people witnessing your pain and using people as a way to protect yourself from facing that pain. Like theres a frantic desperation in not wanting to be alone at all costs. Thats not healing. Sitting in a room of safe people and telling them your intimate story is something magical and just heals your soul. But there comes a time to where you need to sit with yourself, no people around, no distractions and let it all in.

This is funny, I was thinking the same about you I get what youre saying though. Its just that in my experience true healing always comes back to one fundamental thing: Self love(and connection). No matter what the route you take it just always comes to this.

I dont know if you can call anyone an expert. I have a degree in psychology, sure but that doesnt make me an expert. In fact a lot of people I know who are academically well educated are so far removed from themselves its unbelievable to think they work in the psychological profession. And these are people with PhD's. I work with people with eating disorders and other compulsions.........but that doesnt make me an expert. What makes me able to speak about these things is my own life and direct experiences. My own vulnerabilities and human weaknesses. I dont think its possible to speak about these things unless you yourself have experienced them directly and come out the other side.
Anyway I'll leave it at that, we may just agree to disagree and I wish you well in your mission to overcome your issues.
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Alright, I agree with everything you said here. I think I wasn't hearing what you were saying. And you're right, I was being pushy. I apologize for that. I was interpreting you as saying the ONLY way to become PMO free was hard mode. It sounded dogmatic to me, but I tend to be a bit sensitive to things that sound one sided. You can chalk that up to growing up in a community where the church was absolutely right about everything and there was no other way to be. My interpretation may have been different than the message that you were trying to convey. It happens.

Yeah, and that being whole and loving yourself business.... I wish the solution were as easy as the diagnosis. It's far to easy to get distracted and not go in deep. And for me it's easy to think I'm going deep inside when really I'm just floating on the surface. Well, I hope our exchange didn't make me look like a jerk. Hopefully, someone will get something out of this.

I actually do think we were talking about basically the same things, maybe our words didn't quite reflect that. Alright.... well the best to you as well.

fappius · Apr 12, 2016

Is it bad that even the word "boob" was a trigger for me
Nice report though!!

Rav70 · Apr 12, 2016

fappius said: ↑

Is it bad that even the word "boob" was a trigger for me
Nice report though!!
Click to expand...

Pretty much.

fappius · Apr 12, 2016

Can I ask something? Can you tell when your SO is using? I'm married and I haven't told my wife that I'm undergoing this challenge, though I hope she might notice that something has changed!

Rav70 · Apr 12, 2016

There are many noticeable differences from when he used compared to him off PMO.
Would I know if he relapses? Yes surely if he binged most certainly.
Does your wife notice a difference? Dunno how long and how clean off PMO and fantasizing are you? Too many factors for me to say .

fappius · Apr 12, 2016

As of today, only seven days. I noticed that I get quick intrusive sexual thoughts that I'm having to ignore, before I would just go with the flow.

Rav70 · Apr 12, 2016

Boyfriend had them a lot the first 2 to 3 weeks. About week 3 those thoughts began to fade with his flatline. He went a good period where he never had any sexual thoughts just pop up.
We still had sex during his flatline and I had to be the initiator almost always. I became frustrated but we talked and I understood how he was feeling.
It would be hard to make the progress we have made without open conversation.
Looking back I couldn't imagine dealing with this successfully without us breaking it down and talking about and researching each process and the feelings he was having.

8BitsOfStuggling · Apr 12, 2016

fappius said: ↑

Is it bad that even the word "boob" was a trigger for me
Nice report though!!
Click to expand...

I was at a point just before I started to begin my recovery where my mind was so twisted that a banana was arousing for me. Don't read into it, its not a good thing. We are all here to grow.

Rav70 · Jul 13, 2016

Bump for a new member. @faithfulfool

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