My brain wants me to use porn to PROVE I'M NOT GAY (HOCD)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Jreeze2015, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    I never escalated into gay porn, but I started having thoughts of dudes penis and being penetrated 2 years ago. This is after my whole life I never questioned my sexual orientation. Never even once thought about dudes in that kind of way. It was always GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS. I always jerked off to girls, kissed girls, had crushes on girls, and I've only ever had sex with girls. I have no desire to kiss a dude, have sex with a dude, date dudes. It's just I have these non stop images in my head that cause me anxiety. I'll get a weird feeling in my anus. The thing is it will happen when I am in the company of ANY DUDE. It can be an old fucking man, a dirty hobo, etc. It doesn't matter. My mind will flash images of gay acts in my head.

    Now here is where porn comes in and why I always relapse and why I hope that by stopping porn and masturbation, my attraction for real life girls will come back full force as it's been sort of dead for the last 2 years ( I am 22): EVERY TIME I GO WITHOUT PORN, MY MIND RAMPS UP THE ANXIETY AND THOUGHTS, BEGGING ME TO WATCH PORN TO SEE IF I AM STILL ATTRACTED TO GIRLS. It feels like a TRAP. I am hoping to God, whether it takes 1 month, 6 months, a year, whatever, that these thoughts will just leave me alone. They provide me nothing but anxiety and unhappiness. I don't want them. They go against everything that I am. They have made my life a living hell.

    Has anybody successfully overcome these thoughts and this trap of watching porn to prove you aren't gay? Will things get better for me? And please, if you've never had experience with HOCD or don't understand what it is, do not tell me "sexuality is a spectrum. you are bisexual, etc". If you know what HOCD is you would know that it is absolutely horrible to live with. I have tried everything in the book, I have tried accepting the thoughts as just thoughts, they don't stop. The only thing I haven't done is stay away from porn and masturbating for more than a month. I'm hoping this will work
     
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  2. JoeinMD

    JoeinMD Fapstronaut

    Your description of Porn being a Trap is quite accurate - your feelings of inadequacy with your sexuality make you want to indulge in P to prove you are attracted to females, yet it is your indulgence into P that feeds your mind with a casualty of dominating male images having sex with subordinate females, causing such images to enter your mind and making you consciously or unconsciously question whether you are as manly as some of these P stars perhaps or it feeds into any normal inadequate feelings that normal men have - which makes you feel inferior or subordinate, thus causing a thought catalyst where you enter into a masochistic position to another dominate male, which makes you want to jump into P to prove you like girls, which occasions your viewing how presumably alpha males dominate women...etc. etc. - a vicious cycle. Dude, you're straight - believe me - why can't you just be happy with that. You need not prove anything. You also do not need to prove you are equal to or superior to other males in P (which are fictional characters at that) - that's part of the overall sickness -- your mind believes P is real. You not only objectify women in P, who are far different from real women, but you also objectify and stilt what a real man is with P - far different than what real manhood is. It's okay for a real man to feel and admit to vulnerabilities in life, and these nonsexual vulnerabilities need not be sexualized, the way you sexualize all your problems in life with PMO medication and dopamine to cover over any vulnerability, pain, or seeming inadequacy. If you trust your sexuality and know that your ill-gained thoughts are simply P poisoning, then you recognize you have no reason to feel threatened even with the worst of P-induced thoughts. When such thoughts lose their power over you, they will become unimportant and uneventful and will fade. The longer you abstain from P, the less you poison yourself. However, your thinking process during recovery may get worse before it gets better as your mind spews out all past poisoning. The good news is that you need not be disturbed by such thoughts that you spew out. You just need to know that the increase of thoughts may very well mean that cleansing, healing, and recovery is taking place. There's nothing to be disturbed at, since you know your true sexuality. The whole process is only sabotaged when you go back to P and poison your mind all over again. Get it!
     
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  3. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    Everything you have said rings true with me. It is just I can't deal with the uncertainty that I may be gay. Even though I would rather have sex with a women and not a man, my mind urges me to prove I'm still attracted to women by looking at porn. The thing is, I don't get an erection by just simply THINKING of a girl I know in real life. I heard that this is a symptom of PIED, in that you can only get hard to porn. When I was younger, before I was 19, I use to get hard just imagining a girl I knew. Since I was 19, I needed porn to get hard. This is when my HOCD started. Like I said, I never even thought about dudes prior to this. I never feared being gay because I just knew I wasn't. I wasn't scared about the future. I even went to an all guys high school, and during the time of puberty when hormones are raging, I never even thought about dudes. It was always GIRLS giving me erections. So I know what my truly sexuality is. I am just stuck in this cycle.
     
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  4. JoeinMD

    JoeinMD Fapstronaut

    You are not really stuck in the cycle. You only step into the cycle when you indulge in porn - that poisonous cesspool. You step out of the cycle when you quit P, but you have to give it time for the old poison to rise up and come out, regretfully perhaps passing your visual field called imagination as it does so and thus tormenting you, seemingly, by the thoughts - but that is the very healing, not the vicious cycle.
     
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  5. I'm gonna jump in here to say something, and I hope it doesn't go against what you asked... I'm just speaking from my personal experience as a Christian who believes homosexual sex is a "sin" and has "struggled," for lack of a better word, with bisexual/lesbian desires.

    I can't speak to HOCD, and I'm sorry you are dealing with that -- you're right, it does sound awful and not like something that can just be solved by some simple advice. But I've learned, with my own experience, that I just need to embrace those feelings and be okay with them. Obviously the obsessive imagery and things like that are deeper issues that I can understand wanting to be rid of, but as far as just any kind of "feelings" or "attraction" you have toward men, I would say to try to learn to embrace that about yourself and just say that it's okay, as long as you're not going to do anything about it. I don't believe you can fully control your desires/attractions, so sometimes you just have to be okay with fighting them, in a way. I have learned to embrace the fact that I'm sexually attracted to women. Doesn't mean I'm going to be in a relationship with a woman or have sex with a woman, but the feelings are there, and I don't think there's much I can really do to change that (aside from steps like cutting out porn/fantasizing, which I'm obviously doing now).

    Anyway, again, I apologize if this isn't what you need to hear, but I thought it might be helpful. If it's not, then feel free to ignore it, no worries! lol
     
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  6. IGY

    IGY Guest

  7. xenomorphie

    xenomorphie Fapstronaut

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    @TakingTheSteps >>I don't believe you can fully control your desires/attractions
    why yes , yes you can we all are modern humans here not neanderthals :rolleyes:, fighting porn-induced fetishes are hard but not impossible btw why are you encouraging OP to accept something he is not ? clearly his pattern is that of person dealing with porn induced fetish.
    and OP @Jreeze2015 , you and me , we both are in same boat except i kinda fancy transexuals MTF at this stage , the thing is you returning to porn is associated with dopamine withdrawal ,well i am no expert , our brains make up excuses so that it can release dopamine , i am glad you mentioned "sexuality is a spectrum. you are bisexual, etc" , this is part of modern PC culture based around junk science which TBH is complete Bullcrap , cant be bothered to go into detail as it will lead to thread derailment but OP , you are not alone we both are fighting same battle stay strong do the hard mode challenge , find hobbies to ignore any porn urges best of luck :) , ( days ago i had sever dopamine withdrawal that i started to regret deleting porn i had but now it really started to make sense why i regretted that )
     
  8. Well obviously I'm not a pro. I wouldn't say "clearly" OP isn't what some people would consider "bisexual." There may be more to his story that he hasn't shared here, so I decided to share my experience. And you can absolutely control your actions, but I don't believe you can fully control who you are attracted to and who you are not attracted to, purely based on looks. I'm more than happy to agree to disagree, but I think I made it pretty clear in my post that if my advice is not helpful, you can feel free to ignore it.

    Edit: Also... OP says he has never watched gay porn, so I don't think this is a "porn induced fetish." That's not the same thing as what he is talking about (HOCD).
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2016
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  9. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    It's amazing how porn can fuck with your head. Hang in there!
     
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  10. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you both for your input. I will literally try to be as detailed as possible. Growing up, and I mean this truthfully from the bottom of my heart, I never ONCE thought about men sexually. My sexual fantasies were all about women ever since I can remember having sexual fantasies. I only ever watched straight porn and never even thought about watching gay porn. I always needed to see a female. I have had sex with 15 girls. I am 22. I had a two year relationship with a beautiful girl who was my first love. She dumped me 10 months ago. I am not trying to overcompensate to sound more straight, as I never had sex to try to prove I was straight, I had sex because I enjoy the female body.

    When I was 19, I noticed I was having weaker and weaker erections to both porn and fantasy and in real life with girls. This is when that first thought came into my mind: "what if I am gay?". Since that moment two years ago, I have become obsessed that I somehow could be gay and in denial. My mind then started producing gay images and gay thoughts. I started to become obsessed and paranoid that people think I am gay, that I talk gay or act gay, etc. I started to become extremely antisocial after being social my whole life. I couldn't look my friends in the eyes, the same friends who I grew up with and never once had any of these thoughts around. I even have these thoughts around my own Dad. I just know this can't be me.

    One last point I want to make is that the thoughts don't arouse me. I can literally sit there and stare and pictures of shirtless dudes or good looking men, and my penis wouldn't move. I try to be as open as possible but it just doesn't turn me on. The only thing that bothers me is the thoughts of me being penetrated. It's almost as if my mind is so FEARFUL that it almost feels like I could be aroused by it. Like it's this sickening feeling. I know for a fact that I would never want to be pentrated, but it's like I have this devil voice inside of me saying "Yea you would, your nothing but a faggot, look at you, your not a man, what kind of man would take a dick up his ass". It's just plain horrible. I don't really have a drive for life like I use too. I never want to go out anymore. I've been having sex with this girl fairly recently and despite everything actually going pretty well, the thoughts will still continue.

    Thank you both for your input. I am trying to be as honest as possible. The funny thing is, I am 100 percent for gay rights and would never harm a gay person. I think we are all equal and do not hate gays. I am very open minded. It just feels like my brain and soul are being attacked by something that is not me
     
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  11. Hm, this is interesting. Thank you for clarifying your experiences.

    I think what I was mostly trying to get at was that I think some of this (despite what you said in your last paragraph) is centered on feeling that, if you were gay, those feelings would be wrong and make you less of a man and would somehow change who you are at the core of your being. I don't believe that's entirely the case, and funny thing is that it sounds like you don't believe that either. But it's easy to judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others. In my post I was mostly trying to help to make you more comfortable with the thoughts your having, as I think the center of it all is the fear and discomfort. If you were able to come to a place of not feeling so uncomfortable with those kinds of thoughts, perhaps it would help to make them not seem like such a big deal and then you wouldn't think about them as much. It's a bit of a self fulfilling prophesy, it sounds like.

    Again, I apologize if this advice isn't helpful. I know you're looking for more specific advice about HOCD, but I thought this might be good to hear in addition, not as a replacement to the other advice, if that makes sense. For what it's worth, I think you can rest in the fact that you are not gay. The way you've described your feelings makes that pretty clear. As far as how to truly believe that and not let those thoughts/worries invade your life anymore? I'm not really sure, but I'll keep you in my prayers. The only advice I would have to give is to try not to "worry" about whether or not you are gay, because (1) you aren't and (2) even if you were, you could get through that and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I realize, though, that that's all a lot easier said than done, and I feel your pain. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I wanted to make my original statement a little more clear, as it seems to have been misinterpreted by some.

    Best wishes to you in your journey! Maybe do some research elsewhere, if you haven't already, specifically on HOCD. One huge benefit about the issues your dealing with, that you can be grateful for: it has a name. That means it's common enough to be easily researched, and you're not alone. Use that resource to your benefit.
     
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  12. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend would talk to DUDES online about taking it up the bum from them and get off on it. Imagine my shock. What the fuck he's gay! No wonder he can't finish with me.
    After the confrontation and we were able to truly talk he told me that a lot of times porn couldn't even get him off but talking to people online could. And afterwards he would think gross I don't want that. Who am I?
    Then he was depressed living in a city by himself falling deeper in the hole of PMO and fantasizing about meeting people and talking to them. He started questioning his own sexuality. He had pleasurable sensations when he messed with his butt but he didn't want to be with a guy.
    How many girls would be accepting of "Hey! Stimulate my butthole I like it!"
    So he was so confused and miserable.
    I read that when you watch some porn or even for you think about gay sex and you are straight, it triggers anxiety and that the mind can misinterpret that for arousal. Pretty crazy huh??
    Stop watching porn. Stop masterbating. Focus on enjoying life and stop stressing. In time I'm sure those images and feelings will fade.
     
  13. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    That's interesting because that's truly what it feels like. It's like the more anxiety the more it feels like arousal. I don't know if his is just neuro chemicals or brain balance out of whack. Because in the past this would never happen to me, I wasn't anxious about the thought of gay sex or anything gay, it was just sort of a gray area to me, like I could care less about it. I don't know how to not be afraid of these thoughts like I use too. Because I feel as if I have linked anxiety to arousal somehow
     
  14. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    I saw an article on it. Lemme find it
     
  15. Moogie

    Moogie Fapstronaut

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    When I am around a woman my body feels like it's on fire. When I am around a man I feel nothing. So I know I am not gay
     
  16. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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  17. MLVS1993

    MLVS1993 New Fapstronaut

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    HEY.I understand your problem.I would like to make to you a question,because i think i could help you.Do you make a lot of workout or you caring of a lot with your body?(are you going to the gum a lot or whatsoever?)
     
  18. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    No I don't although recently I built a small gym in my basement. I am trying to build more muscle because I am skinny. If that's what's your suggesting I am already taking action in that area. I just have trouble staying consistent. It's very hard to gain weight and muscle for me as I have to constantly be eating
     
  19. Punisher93

    Punisher93 Fapstronaut

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    Hi I was experiencing something similar, still am to some extent. If you like you may PM me on here. I have a few tips to overcome this.
     
  20. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    You've absolutely wrote my situation... will it helps if we're stay away from porn and any kind of sexual things for a period of time?
     
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