My Brief Story and First Day PMO

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by TQuit, Feb 29, 2016.

  1. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Here goes, i'll keep it brief as I feel necessary:

    I'll just add this bit first:

    Thanks go for to this community:
    Read subreddits etc and I was like "oh... shit.... i have that" "I thought that" "that's exactly the issue I have". Its so common i just couldn't believe it, how this isn't a ranked highly alongside substabce abuse I don't know.


    Background
    • 33 years old, porn since VHS at 17, never could hold down a relationship, only have had one a 18 month period of regular sex.
    • wake up, grab phone, look at porn
    • before bed, i go to bed 30 minutes before I intend to sleep and look at porn
    • If i am alone in my house for the day on like a saturday and/or sunday, i masturbate probably about 5 times and some of the sessions last hours with dick hard, then soft, then hard. Death grip to the max.
    • I would check certain torrents and blogs daily
    • I masturbate so often that I have sometimes have ED, i don't know if this is fatigue or porn but during a 1 week vacation with friends where i "only" had 1 MO a day I came back feeling different and had 'regular' erections for a couple days.
    • I've avoided sex with women because of my performance worries
    • I also have issues with my appearance which is completely crazy and I don't know whether is related to this. I'm a good looking guy ... your typical natural gym goer that really really looks after himself. Friends and friends girlfriends are amazed that I don't have a girlfriend/s and often ponder if its because i'm gay or in the closet.
    • I've a 750GB collection.
    • insecurities about penis size. I have a 7 inch dick that i've always had complements from girls about though I see it as not good enough,... i wonder why. If a girl doesn't comment then i feel she's thinking "damn, what a disappointment".
    • I've done a bit of maths... on average I masturbate at least 15 times a week. with some of these sessions really long.

    When I knew I had a problem.
    I've dismissed it as a problem for a while, laughed it off to myself but recently I was with a girl in a club on holiday, kissing at the bar and she was really really into me, she was feeling my body and complementing me all the time like I was the catch of the club, she was really really nice and when it came to her inviting me back to her apartment I made up an excuse because I was scared that I wouldn't be able to perform. When I looked at her I felt I read her mind... "why does he not want to come and have sex with me?"


    Steps Taken So Far:
    1. coming to terms with it, realising I have a problem - THIS IS HUGE.
    2. writing this post
    3. deleted 250GB of my collection, the remainder is what I would call regular porn, no bdsm or crazy stuff (not to say there is anything wrong with that stuff but I only gravitated to it as it was harder)
    EDIT - DELETED ALL 750GB and all traces of porn from computers.
    Screenshot

    del.PNG

    4. I've deleted my internet history on all devices 5. Remaining porn i've moved to a folder that is 'awkward' to get to on my PC.
    5. Dropbox special folder deleted
    6. pictures deleted from documents
    7. "toys" binned
    8. deleted all lastpass P entries


    Plan
    I have set myself a goal of 1 week PMO hard mode, but from reading this might not be enough, however if I do masturbate on day 7 then it would be without porn.... again, however my mind is so saturdated with the stuff it will be like playing a video in front of me almost.

    Interested to know peoples thoughts and whether I should aim for longer, though never in my adult life have I gone this long without P or M, even now I can't think of a regular day where i've not thought about P or M. Even on the first day I found my hand go downstairs on a couple occasions due to muscle memory.

    I am a strongwilled person and successful in all other avenues of my life, I plan to dicipline myself the same way I do for business and fitness.

    Goal
    Rid my mind of this crap and start dating/fucking again. And BTG (it means Be That Guy),its my little mantra.

    Everything I do I succeed at but feel i am still not 'that guy' that is truly successful because of this elephant in the room, which has been clouded with fog due to the successes in other areas on my life.

    Questions
    1. Would anyone recommend that in the next couple months if i abstain a week, or a couple weeks, or a month to see a hooker? I've not had sex in so long that I feel it might be a good idea, seriously its like I've forgot everything. I've only seen hookers when on holiday before i had a problem not in my home country... money isn't an issue.

    2. Any comments welcome
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
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  2. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a woman whose boyfriend is recovering and I want to give you my advice.
    Trash ALL your porn and never look at it again. Don't masterbate.
    You'd be surprised how fast you can come back from the hellhole you're in.
    You want your body to become accustom to a woman's body not your hand even if it's without porn.
    I caught my 14 year old looking at porn last week and I asked my boyfriend isn't seeing giant penises going to give him doubt's about his under developmed equipment? He said it did for him and he's got an 8 inch one. Decent sized and it had him worrying about being enough!

    Its all bad. You stop then start looking at vanilla porn, you will end up escalating to harder porn cause you can't get off. It happened before it will happen again.
    My boyfriend is freaking gorgeous and like you he spent so much of his life alone and watching porn because dealing with chicks made him anxious and it was easier to stay home and wank.
    But he was not happy, became more anxious and depressed.
    Don't go to a hooker. Give Nofap a chance it works. Your equipment works. Your brain is broken but you can fix it.
     
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  3. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I didn't think a post on a forum could resonate so much with me.
     
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  4. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome. You can do this. I know it's easier for the guys with significant others like my boyfriend but you have to do it for yourself.
    You said you have willpower. My boyfriend is like that. Once he sets his mind on something he can do it.
    Remember the goal and focus on that. Don't get caught up on feeling sorry for yourself and missing porn. That is nothing compared to you getting out there and living the life you deserve.
    There's somebody out there waiting on you to get your shit straight and I guarantee she's not a pixel on a computer.
    Good luck!
     
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  5. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Thanks again Rav70.

    I'm on day 3 now and already feeling better about life in general. I was hoping someone could just confirm something for me, I currently feel like im in a flatline, I'm not thinking about sex at all. I've not had a erection from the start of this (4 days) which is the longest i've every gone in my life, so I'm a bit confused at what is happening and whether I need to at least give my self just an erection to 'feel' 'manly' again.
     
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  6. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    You're penis isn't broke trust me it's your brain that's messed up.
    It's confusing and scary. Dead dick scares a lot of guys and the first thought is to do what you suggested. Bad move.
    Read up on flatline there are many stories about it. Hang in there!
     
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  7. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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  8. Hellboy123

    Hellboy123 Fapstronaut

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    At one point when I was so deep with M to P, I was no longer turned on by it either. When you are constantly searching for something new to stimulate your brain, there is a bigger issue, but it was time to wake up around that time. I think I actually stopped browsing naturally, and forgot for around a week as I had other things to think about. Imagine if it were that easy to continue....

    It really depends on the person, I just hit a week and have had two morning woods in a row. You first need to know that what you are doing is wrong, at least. When you reach that stage, it's more about concentration and focus then actually abstaining.

    If you can sway away from being complacent with your own self control, then you can reach that next level.
     
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  9. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Rav70, thank you for the reply and the link, that's cleared a lot of things up in my head. I know you're right about this.
     
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  10. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, appreciated. I'm not thinking about P or M, its only when I stop to think about what I am doing I start getting a little paranoid. That being said I when natural sexual thoughts come into my head i'm almost feeling some kind of guilt about the act of sex itself and that it causes harm to the woman which I know is completely wrong in a healthy sexual context.

    You brought up self control, I am only 4 days in but I think need to be a bit less cocky about how much I believe in my own self control.
     
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  11. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Have you thought about putting up some blockers? Might be a good ideal.
    Day 4. I forgot to say good job! It's going to get rough before it gets better but you can do it!
     
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  12. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    Man, you have made a decision that will change your life. Although, it´ll take some time and it wont be easy.

    NO I wouldnt recommend you this. I tried it and I couldnt looked into myself in the mirror for another month or so. Dont do that. You want to built the real MAN and they overcome everything with help of noone but himself. Do not project yourself into outside world, at least for some time until you get healed a bit. You have to be isolated so you know your pure prize and you have to get that self confidence which is inside of each of everyone of us. Your body and brain deep down know how you should properly work. You ll see that in few weeks/months maybe - you will get strange feeling like connection with your inner part and from that time on you ll know exactly what you should do! Be patient thou!

    I recommend you to turn your life around. You have probably had a bad habits that led you here. Change them. Change everything you FEEL is not right for you adn be courageous. You have already started with NOFAP, change other things, or do at least the plan to change something. This thought will grow inside of you and one day you will have no other chance but just go and get it. Be aware - this is not instant world. Porn is instant pleasure, world out there is not. You have to get to work on yourself to get things done. BUt with time you will get there - trust me. First days will be pure hell. I recommend you to install web protection. K9 with pass sent to my friend works fine for me. Also, ban twitter and tumblr other shits because you wouldnt believe how porn these sites are! Once you overcome 2-3 weeks, things will get some shapes (maybe first time in your life) but then (depends) flatline hits and there comes the hardest part. But also this is possible to overcome. These days you have to be really hard on yourself, no steps back! It is not worthy!

    So this is for start from me. If you need something, dont be hesitate to ask me.

    Cheers!
     
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  13. Hellboy123

    Hellboy123 Fapstronaut

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    I reached 80 days, perhaps 2.5 years ago, before I knew what NoFap was.

    I took a girl home and didn't function. I had perhaps a couple drinks, and she took me home within 15 mins of meeting and chatting. Obviously wanted to just get off. I've never had such an easy pick up before in my life, something like that will not happen again, either, which is why it was such an important moment to reflect on.

    A few times over the following weeks I saw her with two different guys. Both bigger, bulky, macho guys. She knows what she wanted, I couldn't perform. That shit really got to my head. Though, I continued to game girls, and act like nothing was wrong.

    You need to act like a soldier on the outside before it will truly sink in.

    It won't happen overnight. It's all attitude. Consistency and outlook is everything. Results come later. I might not have passed 4 weeks in the years since, but I know what the problem is, and the repercussions. I'm pretty sure my problem was a big contributing factor in a relationship falling apart. What's worth more? A one night stand, or someone you love who you've yet to meet?

    Sorry for the rant. I just worked out. Pumped up.
     
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  14. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Thanks everyone for the replies, I just can't really respond to each and every sentence but I do read them and take them in fully and hope to be one of the supporters here in the future.

    The hooker idea is out the window, sod that, i know I can perform and be in the moment, not closing my eyes, tensing my legs and thinking "hmm this is different to my hand" and quickly shuffling through P scene memories. I was fine in the past with this and I'll be fine again.

    I've had a bit of blood flow downstairs a few times now and I kinda just laugh to myself and say "no", at no point (at all, i really mean it) did I think "well... i'll just have a little play" not because I thought that I would not have no self control, I just dont want to. The sexual thoughts that I have had are more memories of girls I've had in the past doing nice girly things like trying on underwear for me rather than the stuff that happens in P.

    How I'm Doing Thus Far

    Keep finding P or P related stuff.. can't believe all the little nooks and crannies. Like CDrs or some obscure bookmark, youtube liked video, membership to some forum and my last pass password manager, i forgot about that till I type the name of a sport website to see the autocomplete remind me of P. But anything related is being destoryed, I noticed I had some old 40GB Hard Drives so I am going to check them tomorrow, search and destroy :)

    Again, I don't want to be cocky its been almost 5 days and come across like someone that has just started doing fitness who posts motivation pictures, healthy food and pictures of themselves working out at the gym...... but I really really can't see myself sitting in my man cave and searching for P anymore and wasting whole evenings M'ing away. I can't imagine the amount of films, music and social scenarios I've missed out on due to the time wasted on PM.

    K9 - I will look into getting that installed.


    I trained last night Krav Maga like i've never trained before, as if I had something more to fight for, I don't know if its related to nofap or that I was more focused on what I was doing rather that checking out a couple of the ladies bodies. Also the same I've noticed at the gym, more drive.

    Life Changes I'm Making

    I used to be very very into learning an asian language (not being vague but I don't want to disclose this as it would be quite easy to trace back to me), to the point I got to a very impressive level and could speak, read and write, so I'm hitting this again now and getting back on the forums to help people.

    Health - Not been to the doctor in 10 years, I want to have a blood test and check that I'm in good health

    Films - Used to watch about 3 a week, at night now an hour or so before bed I go into the lounge and work my way through watching some classics I've not seen or films that have been on my watch list the last couple years.

    Music - I used to get about 100 albums a year, in the last 2 years its about 30 in total, I want to rekindle this love.

    Financial - set myself a goal this year business wise, been meandering a bit in the past 2 years and resting on my laurels (read apathetic).

    Going for more walks, seeing my parents more and generally being a lot more helpful to those around me.

    Question
    Is there such a thing as healthy M for recovers? I want to get back out there but at the same time it does seem a little over the top to never M again, i mean, in my whole life... I just want to have a healthier relationship with it and control it, not let it control me. Without sounding "weird" a bit like when you're a young kid...........On re-reading what I've just wrote and drawing parallels with people that have had substance abuse, this comes across like "one little drink wont hurt".

    Originally I had a goal of 1 week (actually it was 2 days before I found this community) , then I was going to M (but not P), but I am going to extend this.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2016
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  15. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

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    This thing, is the most important thing of them all, and this will really make you happy. Trust me. You should even start with this.

    Dont think like that. Dont think in advance - at least not on this topic and not so soon. You ll find the way. How I see it is pretty simple. PMO totally destroyed my previous life (well I was in the charge so i cannot blame anyone not even PMO) so no more PMO in life - and thats how this should be - in my case.

    I believe that you find your own solution :) - but I think for you - to soon to search now :)
     
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  16. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like sound advice, cheers.
     
  17. programer

    programer Fapstronaut

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    This is Simple dude. Just delete every thing inform of Porn. This will help alot man
     
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  18. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    Its all gone, even went to the recycling center yesterday and dropped in a spinder of CDrs.

    Update

    1 week in now, going fine really. I had very saw balls over the weekend but that's subsided now. My brain and dick must be like "what the hell is going on here?!!"

    Its strange how my first few days I was flatlined and now my libido is back and I can get a stir downstairs by thinking of like pg13 stuff which reminds me all is ok.

    All going good, no set date or goals really but I think I want to at least do one month.
     
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  19. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    This morning, i kinda wanted to see if this break from p and m has made a difference even though i'm pretty much in a flatline. So I kinda played with myself with no intention of O, just to get hard really.

    Weird, didn't really get hard more than a couple minutes but I didn't look at P. All I was thinking 95% of the time was about getting hard, like I was being judged by myself, a lot of pressue I was putting on myself. Also i've never had it before where i was soft and felt like I was a 10 seconds away from cumming. Wish I didn't do this, as I know its just messing with my head as i've never had ED that bad ever in my life.

    Only time I got hard was when I was relaxed, not thinking about my issue... which tells me something
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016
  20. TQuit

    TQuit Fapstronaut

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    would the above class as a relapse?
     

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