NSFW - A lot of triggers be careful So my Story begins this way. I was a young boy at the age of 6 an on the day I was with my family watching some movies, then the first porn image came, a Mexican politician having sex with a girl. 2 years later, I went to Queretaro with my brother and my mom, in a coffee internet We saw porn on a webpage looking in google for "Naked women", since that day and 2 years back... I remember that nothing has been the same. Then when I was in mid-school My brother and I had an old pc, we liked to watch porn, and there it was the first lesbian video, where I saw two girls going together and that shit, since that video I had the wish to become a girl not naturally like "Gender dysphoria" but sexually, just to do the things I saw, since that day I used to wear my sister's clothe and fap every time possible and the same with my mom clothes. This escalated from vanilla and lesbian porn into IR porn, where at the beginning I loved to watch those videos because of the girls screaming, and then I turned to hypnosis videos, where a lady said I was for the "Big tools" and not for the sexy girls. Then one day I asked myself "What if I should be a girl?" since that day, I have the same thoughts, but 20 days ago they are fading. So I'm here, asking if any of you guys have been in my position. I noticed that every time I was "Convinced" I was a girl, there was a huge background of Porn (Sissy, Hypnos, IR, Tumblr post and quotes about being a girl and stop being a man). And every time I made a plan for the future, I was like "I'm gonna be a girl just to please a lot of men" but never something like, I'm gonna be a Girl and complete my career. At the same time, I used to buy clothes and wear 'em, nail paint, lingerie (Not full body, only the bottom part), sport tops, and makeup. There were a lot of times I threw away all that stuff because of my feelings were like "I'm not this" but every time I went back to Tumblr and porn sites I got the same feeling "I'm a girl, I want to be a girl" I even had encounters where I found that I don't want to be a girl. Now, I am on my 25 days of the streak, at the beginning has been easy, but some days the urges are strong, I haven't given them a chance to take me. Now, my problems are that sometimes, even when I don't like men, when I see a man my mind goes right into "I like him" even when I have not recognized him at all. And sometimes I have the thought like "What if I'm a real transgender person?" and this last was triggered 5 days ago, since my GF asked, "Are you sure you are not a trans girl?" And since that day I have been thinking about it once again. I have some thought about being weak aside from Black men. What advice can you give me to overcome all these urges and thoughts? Have any of you guys been in the same place as me and then got recovered?
I forgot to say that I went to a psychologist, and she told me I wasn't trans and I have no gender Dysphoria, because of the test they made me throw I have no gender dysphoria.
I appreciate you reaching out with your story. My story is also quite like yours, you can check my journal out on my profile. It seems to me that these thoughts and doubts that you experience, and that I also experience, are porn induced. That is explained because you said: You're confusing (indoctrinating) your brain when consuming this kind of material, hence why you then proceed to doubt your sexuality. Or yourself. When you dont consume this material you're certain: I'm not this. But when fueled by porn or fantasy the doubt kicks in. What I have learnt is that thoughts, just like dreams, can be weird/spontaneous/out of the ordinary and dont have to be acted upon. Because the moment you start to engage in these thoughts, you will enter the world of fantasy and novelty and your dopamine monster hooks you again. But when you resist, and stay busy you won't have the time or energy to waste on these thoughts. So cut out porn, stay busy and don't doubt yourself. Keep me up-to-date with your journey!
