MY compulsive SA battle

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by William Wallace, Jun 29, 2018.

  1. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    It’s been a while since I posted.
    A few nights ago I succumbed again to my sexual addiction compulsion by getting drunk and going to an Asian massage parlor. I felt like I wanted to die after I did my thing and this has been going on for over 15 years now. I will go for about 2-3 months and then all the anxiety builds up and the thoughts re-enter my head and then I go on a mission. I will sometimes first go to bars to see if I can meet a woman who I can have sex with but since I have “no game” I will end up at a massage parlor.

    I am ashamed and feel weak and I hate myself for continuing on with this especially since I have so much to lose.

    Anybody else out there who has struggled with this?

    Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2019
  2. Sorry, I can't contribute because I lack any similar experience. But I want to say that may you have the strength to keep your family together! You mention about 'going on a mission' but the only true mission now is to stop with the thrill-seeking and love the one you're with and be a tight-knit family again! Sorry if I sound naive and simplistic, but I pray for your turnaround. You say that you have so much to lose. Well then, soldier up and do your duty to prevent such suffering to yourself and your family!
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  3. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear your struggles.

    While I don’t share an identical story, I have cheated on my wife 4 times. I think it’s less about what we do and more about how it effects our lives.

    One main help for me has been 12 steps and SAA meetings. This along with a daily maintenance of healthy spiritual activities has helped me with my sex addiction directly.

    I do have 22 years of PMO acting out so there’s a huge tangled ball of emotional crap I need to work through. If I don’t get this part sorted out, it is guaranteed to cause me to relapse. We don’t relapse because it feels good, we relapse because the inner turmoil feels so bad, we need to protect ourselves from that pain by acting out. For me a therapy (along with the 12 step spiritual stuff) has helped me to start to deal with this.

    A huge piece of the puzzle is rigorous self honesty. This has been key. And the second I think I’m being 100% honest I realize I’m holding something back because I’m afraid of the outcome if I admit the truth. This week for example I had two sessions with my therapist.

    On Wednesday I finally broke and told her why I have been getting so depressed and what’s been causing the intense shame and guilt. Well, I went home and did some journaling for 2 days (about 10-12 pages of writing total) and I realized I still held back the truth out fear. So today I went in and told my entire history around this specific issue and I can now say that she literally knows everything, and it was the most freeing experience of my sobriety.

    All his to say there is hope! we can get past the fears that keep us chained, we can overcome the shame that causes us to be stuck in a short feedback loop, and we can recover! It takes some work however. In my experience it isn’t a magic pill to solve the problem. It takes vigilance and daily routine.

    Reach out anytime! I’m happy to help!
     
  4. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to say, but this sounds all very wrong to me. You have to be honest with your wife. She might even be able to help and support you in beating your addiction. But you have been living a lie for the past "several years", and you have done and are doing great damage to your wife. Tell her and maybe you will be able to resolve the situation without going seperate ways (I could imagine that this might have broken her trust beyond repair) but I seriously doubt that you truly love your wife if you can cheat behind her back for such a long time. Having an addiction is one thing, but not telling her about it for so long is just wrong. I'm sure the guilt in your subconscious is only making your situation worse. Tell her, see if she can accept that the addict-you is maybe not the you that is able to cheat on her and that overcoming your addiction could both bring you back together and be happy again, but be honest with yourself and with your wife. I hope this helps.
     
  5. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    I would seek out a CSAT first to help with the timing of telling her. Doing it too soon could damage her, you and your family. It’s important to deal with his stuff but no necessarily asap. The disclosure process for me and my wife hasn’t happened yet and I know if she’s not ready to accept sex addiction then she won’t understand my actions.

    I’m in no way innocent, but i do blelieve that I had very little choice in my sexy addiction actions. If I could have stopped I would have. Now that I am on a path of recovery, I have to remember that I’ve lived with this bullshit for years every day. My wife has been left in the dark. Without her first getting some understanding of sex addiction and the power it has, she won’t be able to cope with what I tell her. And to tell her too soon will potentially crush her emotionally and it could be horrible for everyone involved.

    Not sure if this helps you at all, but this is what others in my SAA group told me and also what the local CSAT eluded to, which is why I am going to soon take a break from my CBT therapist and seek his help, so I can properly decide what needs to be disclosed and when.
     
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  6. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry for my ignorance, I don't know of any such programs. I was only stating what I personally think about this situation. But clearly I'm no expert or professional on any of this, so if that's what's recommended to do, then that is probably for the best. Although my point still remains, having an addiction does not justify acting out morally to such an extent. If the addiction takes control over the addicts mind that makes them do things that they wouldn't really want to do to and they end up doing damage to themselves, that's one thing. But harming and hurting the people around them is something that they are fully aware of and responsible for. If at this point the damage done is so bad that wanting to be truthful will do even more damage, then that is even more shameful. I am hoping for the best for your situation. The realization that things have to change for the better is already a good start. All the best to you.
     
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  7. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Thank you to all who have replied, I really appreciate the insight.
    My main goal at this time is to get my addiction under control. I have never received any type of counseling or attended meetings for my SA. I have been attempting to deal with it on my own but it is evident that I continue to fail.
    When I first started on this website my focus was PMO and I would not even admit on this site what my real problem was......massage parlors and a couple of times cheating with 2 females during this over 15 year span. Then I went away from the site for a year up until now.
    Porn has never been the major issue but it has certainly not helped. So I will also be on the 90 day reboot. If I am truthful with my wife at this time it will certainly do a tremendous amount of damage. Besides the sex less marriage, we still work as a really good team with raising our 14 and 11yr Olds, that is our focus and our main priority.....the kids come first. I will need to make it right with my wife by getting my shit under control first.
    My addiction is more of a compulsion......I am not making any excuses. Since it is a compulsion, I will act on it about 4-5 times per year, so the family is not aware, it is a nasty little secret.
    Has anyone ever had luck with the SMART recovery program?
    I was thinking of starting with online groups.
    Once again, I appreciate the insightful responses.
    Have a great day!
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2019
  8. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    I would also like to add for clarification purposes that my wife and I do not fight, we get along the majority of the time so our kids are not living in a situation where their parents are at each other's necks.
    And to add more truth to my situation I recently went on an online dating app and was having online sex chats with females. I closed down my account yesterday.....I am laying it all out on the table.......
     
  9. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Great step in the right direction!

    More will be revealed to you as you follow a path of sobriety.

    Keep pushing, keep fighting to be better. 12 step programs such as SAA, going to therapy, and doing daily healthy practices have changed my life dramatically in 90 days.

    It’s still so early for me to know what the longterm effects will be, but so far I’m happy to be on this journey towards recover.

    We’re here for you if you need!
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  10. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Thank you xXPharaohXx.

    I wish you well with your continuing recovery journey!
     
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  11. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    So I have been going back to the time of my childhood and I decided I am going to write about how this all came to be with my compulsive SA.

    I believe I am the minority when it comes to never being sexually, physically or emotionally abused by family. The first sexual memories I have of acting out was at the age of 11or 12when I hit puberty. A lot of masturbation..... I was hit pretty hard with the hormones and I remember becoming sexually arroused by getting naked and lying out in my backyard under a cover so I could not be seen, but the thought of being outside arroused me.

    Around that time, the group of friends I hung out with kicked me out of the group. All they told me was they no longer wanted to hang out with me. I felt abandoned and that is what started my feelings of inadequacy which has followed me my entire life.

    When I turned 13, during middle school, my dad was transferred through his job to another state so that meant moving to a place where I did not know anyone at a strange place and school. My grades started to slip.

    We moved again 2 years later to another state. I was 15 then and had to start all over. When I was 16, I flashed a women in a park I lived near and she got my license plate. The police called my parents and I was brought into the station for questioning. I told the police I had to pee and the lady saw me when I was going to pee. They believed my story and I did not get charged. That put a scare in me and I never acted out on that impulse but I found other ways to act out but not so obvious.....I would go to the pool wearing speedos and hope women would see my package with the tight trunks on. I did that through my late twenties.

    When I was 18 I had a girlfriend who was the first love of my life. When we graduated high school I was accepted into an out of state college and she was going to stay back in our city. She ended up dumping me that summer.

    That fall, I was hoping to get back together with her while I was away in school but found out she became pregnant......I was devistated. At that time, due to immaturity I decided women could not be trusted and I was on a mission to score with as many females as I could. In my late teens and early twenties I was using alcohol, marijuana and LSD which I believe eventually brought on a chemical state of depression and anxiety. My early to mid twenties was a really rough time of my life with anxiety and depression. I started going to strip clubs and felt like I was in heaven. I hired my first E during that time and I was still out cruising looking for chicks to bang.

    I did get my act together and went back to college and graduated but I was still putting up a barrier with women and not allowing myself to form any meaningful relationships....also due to feeling inadequate and thinking I would be unable to find someone.

    After I graduated college I relocated to my current town and continued with the bar cruising, strip clubs and then started going to AMPs. Two years later I met my current wife and I was in love and happy, but still chemically imbalanced. I still went to strip clubs which she was aware, she would even go with me at times, but I stopped the AMPs until after our first child was born. That brought on new stress so I started going to them again.

    After we had our 2nd child my wife continued to put on weight and had been struggling with her weight ever since....the last 12 years. That gave my fucked up mind justification to go to AMPs and strip clubs because in my mind, she did not care enough about me to take care of herself.

    It has been me all along and here I am now working on breaking a lifetime of self inadequacy and sexual deviance.

    I just need to move forward one day at a time without looking back at all the self guilt and shame. That will not help me or anyone around me. I understand how this all came to be but that is the past.
     
  12. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    I would also like to add that I am currently on medication treating my social anxiety and a lot of the information on my last post has never been told to a single person.
     
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  13. Muphy

    Muphy Fapstronaut

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    I am 29 .. watching porn since I was 12 .
    Never new I was addicted .. never heard of nofap.. just going on..
    I tried to stop this and believe me you can hold it for a week.. but when weekend comes .. it's all back and you'll think it's ok to stop for 5 days and I'll watch now and get satisfaction and then from tomorrow onwards I'll try to abstain for two weeks..
    Well tomorrow is Sunday .. you'll watch and fap it again thinking you'll start from Monday..
    In next week you'll do on thursday by accident and then you'll think ooooppss .. ok.now it's done so I'll again start from Monday and the you'll watch and satisfy yourself on Friday Saturday and Sunday.

    Now on Monday you'll think ohh I'll start from 1st of next month it's only 4 days away and swearing this time..

    And it's all going to repeat and I'm next month you'll block some websites .. then stop watching youtube for some time and this sort of things you'll do whole year.

    Trust me.
    I found that two year ago that there is something not proper while having sex with my gf..

    And after that two years i kept giving excuses that I'll stop from today from Monday from next month and many more.

    Now it's been 20 days and I have stopped it all. Nothing at all.. and now I don't imagine sex at my office.. I don't imagine sex in bus... I don't imagine sex while commuting..

    The secret is..
    I started reading a novel. It doesn't give me time to think anything else. I come from office at 5 and get into that novel and I read it till 8 .. have dinner and again back to it.. call my friends on phone for time pass... Then back to novel.. sleep at 1am and wake up at 7 am .. back to novel.. I don't watch TV.. I don't watch movies on laptop.. infact I haven't opened laptop in days.. I read on Kindle so there is no option of just googling stuff and distraction by anything..

    I chose a novel..
    The mistborn triology..
    It has 3 books in series.. and then three more books in series .. and then 2 books as prequel..
    Total 8 books..
    I have reached on 3rd in 20 days..
    By the time I complete 8.. 90 days will be passed..

    Also the book.is great..

    My suggestion: reading is excellent habit. Select some book with long series and get yourself involved into... Also this book has no porn or sex stuff so you'll not reach down your trouser while reading it.

    It helped me a lot and I already see changes in my routine..
    I need less sleep.
    I am attentive at office .. I feel a new energy in myself..

    Try it out.

    I might not have explained in some attractive fashion and with good vocabulary.. but trust me it has helped me ..
    And surely will help.you.


    Plus don't read other people's problem Bec that might excite you..
    Don't visit this website again and again and ready other people's problems..
    Like .. I am not reading your problem Bec that might excite me to do something..
    Just come to your post read suggestion.. post new if needed and log out..
     
  14. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Had my first relapse today. I screwed up, period, so I am back at day 1. This SA really attacks when I least expect it. It was a chaser effect from having sex with the wife last night. I have a lot more work to do so I will be back in the battle and tomorrow is a new day. I will go to work and then straight to the gym. From the gym I will go to my daughters’s soccer (futbol for all of my non-American counterparts) practice so I will be busy.
     
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  15. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing dude! My relationship with my wife is rocky, so I haven’t had sex. It’s one of my fears of sex.

    I wonder if you can force yourself to do some recovery activities afterwards to revenged your mind? Like journaling you feelings? And try to uncover why the urge for PMO came back?

    Thanks for the openness and insight into this addiction while also trying to practice a healthy sex life.
     
    William Wallace likes this.
  16. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. My relapse was getting a sensual massage from an esthetician I went to that ended up with a HJ. I believe the recent stress of my marriage and then the chaser effect all contributed to my compulsion and I then succumbed to my SA.
    Now I am back to ground zero and can only move forward.

    You are right, the journaling will help. I made an entry on my other thread on the 40 and over forum and I will continue to do so.

    Do you not have sex with your wife for fear of the chaser effect? Just curious.

    Take care.
     
  17. WannaB.MD

    WannaB.MD Fapstronaut

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    I'm 25 years old. Been addicted to PMO orgasm since I was 17. Dabbled and began to sneak it as a child prior to realizing my habits forming. I've seen many escorts. Probably 10, 11, 12...?
    I've tried to contain myself for a long time never making it more than 3-4 days no PMO.
    Just did a 28 streak. On a 4, With one night in between.

    I told my girlfriend, I told my dad, I found 2 cousins with addiction troubles, told them too; partially to make myself available if they needed someone else young to speak to about addiction as a broad term.

    I never would have got 28 days without lifting that weight off my chest. Felt great! The 28 days felt great.

    I don't want to lie to people anymore. I don't have enough mental energy to fight an addiction and live two lives. I'm tired of it!
     
  18. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Glad I saw your phrase 'The kids come first'. Hope it's going well!
     
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  19. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    And try to change the language from 'I am powerless' to 'I sometimes tell myself that I cannot stop'.. One day it might become 'I used to have an SA'.
     
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  20. William Wallace

    William Wallace Fapstronaut

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    That is a better way of looking at it.
    Thank you.
     
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