My Diary

I recently posted in the 'newbie' section about wanting to beat my addiction and I feel this is the best way to go about it.

After only a few days I relapsed and looked at something. This resulted in my lying to my partner yet again, even though she told me it was the dishonesty that would hurt her, not relapsing. I'm scared to even go to her with the truth.

So my plan is to post in here. I will confess everything, even the little urges, and shewill be able to read it all as she Iis on this forum.

My partner, Alice, is the most supportive person in the world and I'm desperate to stop all the lies and to make her happy and believe in me again.

I can't let this addiction win; because if I do, not only will I suffer, but Alice will continue to, too.

 

I hate that tingling feeling when I know I've done wrong and I'm confronted. I'm going to prevent it happening in future with the help of this thread.

After two days of doing well I went and watched something I shouldn't have. The worst thing is it didn't arouse me yet I still tried to hide it.

I'm tired of seeing my partner at breaking point because of my deception.

I should point out that we are in a long distance relationship, which does make things hard but it's no excuse. Since I've tried to keep away from porn my feelings for her have come back and I find her more attractive than I did - I particularly love her beautiful smile.

As a result, I do know who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just want to stop hurting her. She really is an amazing person and the way she has been with me since all my lies came out has been incredible.

I'm so sorry Alice. I'm going to prove to you, everyone in my life, this forum, and most importantly myself, that I can be trusted again and that I can make you happy.

 

Thank you elektrolurch789

 

I have been feeling terrible today since Alice found out I lied to her again. I have actually found it difficult to even look at her because I can see the disappointment is written all over her face. Seriously, I know I have said it before but it's true, I couldn't ask for a more supportive partner; since everything came to light she has done everything in her power to protect and encourage me forward, not just with my addictions but in all aspects of my life.

On Wednesday I clicked on a video on YouTube on my phone, because I was still signed in to my old account, and that is what she discovered earlier today. This is the problem, it's not that she dislikes me looking at stuff, it's the dishonesty that comes with it. I believe every single word that comes out of her mouth and she wants me to come to her for everything. I have confessed to her that I have been having urges, but I left out looking at the video because that has been apart of my makeup recently.

I tried to keep away for masturbation not so long ago and I kept telling Alice that I was doing well: I wasn't. I really struggled, I mean really struggled, and I just felt like I couldn't tell her because I thought she would be upset with me; but what upsets her is me not telling the truth.

I have to say, I am sick to death of it now. I'm tired of lying to my partner - even more so because we are in a long distance relationship and I know she is suffering with trusting me again - but I'm even more tired of continuing to lie to myself and hiding things. I am desperate to stop all this. I want to lead the life that others lead where they are happy with their partners; they share everything, good and bad, and they trust each other.

Alice is a beautiful person, inside and out, and she has a smashing little boy - who is seven next month. She has brought him up in the right way to be honest and never tell lies. It made me upset tonight just listening to him as the three of us went for a walk with the dogs because I realise how close I am to losing the two most important people in my life. My life hasn't been much up to this point, all 30yrs of it, but I am trying to turn it around. For most of my adult life I have suffered with anxiety and depression, as well as self-esteem issues, and that has resulted in me not having a job or much hope for future employment. I am desperate for a break somewhere down the line. I have done a lot of things recently that I have been scared of, but my biggest fear is still losing Alice.

Come on, Matt. You need to man up now. It's not what you are or what you have, it's the way you act. You have to start being HONEST. I know you are scared of hurting Alice but you are doing it by not telling her the truth. She doesn't ask for you to be a millionaire; have a full time job; live closer to her; all she wants is honesty. In order for her to heal she needs to believe in you again, so for f*cksake give it to her.

 

Alice didn't put her arms around me last night, nor has she kissed me this morning. I know she is depressed and feels her life is slipping away because she has posted about it on social media.

This is just another reminder that I need to stay HONEST with her because I hate seeing her this way - yet it was me that caused it all.

Unfortunately, I am a selfish person, hence why I started this post with my feelings first, but I do care about Alice's, and I just want her to know that.