My difficult story...... HOCD , Porn , Depression

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Pexton, May 19, 2019.

  1. Pexton

    Pexton Fapstronaut

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    In July i will be 26 years old , i would like to write about my specific case. Because of this, I never had a girlfriend and never had sex. But from the beginning.....i had a normal childhood, I knew that I am a type of dreamer and sensitive but also that I want to be a strong, normal guy with a beautiful wife and children. Those were my thoughts then, and I kept that dream for a long time. As kid i was interested in military history, football, and played with other children. 3 or 2 months before 13 birthday i start watching softcore erotic movies and find woman bodies very hot. I liked to watch this once for some time. But i was to the new school (next stage of education). There were a few boys who persecuted others and psychologically destroyed them for fun. Over half a year later they started attacking me, accidentally they from them said I did not have a girlfriend and he called me gay to offend me. I panicked and of course I got trapped and this guys humiliated me everyday (Especially talking about me ,,Gay" or ,,Faggot") and no one (parents, teachers) can not stop them. Sometimes I had some peace but I was in constant anxiety. I got depressed and had nervous tics (it went on and on and thought). I became a bit indifferent to people and more and more I preferred to be at home rather than going somewhere and meeting other people. I still watching softcore porn, photos of naked womans and when i was 15 i start to masturbating to standard porn from RedTube and other porn sites. I felt good with it. I finish this stage of school with guys who teased me. I hated homosexuality, but I was sure that I was a heterosexual, and have an irrational fear of people and that someone would think I was gay. And in next step of school and more I focused on whether others like me rather than on ratings (it caused problems). But i finish next step of school and studies. On this time and still watching porn and more and more and finding atraction when and I liked the porn participants to give some adrenaline, for example variants with black woman and white man, black man and white girl, black man and asian girl , white man and asian girl , old man and young girl , old woman and young man , and i liked so much movies with lesbians. I accidentally watch the trans porn when i was 23 but this rejected me. I've watched porn every day and I could not stand a few days without masturbating (with a few bites a day). I liked girls, I liked them but I was insecure by events from the school from years ago and I was also afraid that I would be nervous and others would laugh at me. So I drank much alcohol (when I studied). I was attracted by a few girls but I could not do anything. When i was 24 i was watching porn movie when old man was having sex with a very nice blonde teen. I masturbated when I was ejaculating, the camera shot changed and this man ejaculated to she,s mouth and he was issuing nasty moans then. I feel very much disgusted and uncomfortable. But something tells me that then I liked it (that this my reaction was somehow an expression of the fact that I liked it or that I would like to like it). So i watching this video for 50 times and testing myself (sometimes with masturabation). I was scared and watching some gay photos for checking me. But despite the lack of an answer, I was still scared and started to imagine that I was doing gay things. My life became a hell, I was distraught, and start to have a groinal response when i don't want it and feel weird sensations in mouth and have supersensitive lips (something told me that this sympthoms tells i'm homosexual so I feel more gay). When i saw mans face I had the impression that I like them and they are nice (it has never been like this before). I was depressed but I did not want to get out of bed, I went to an endocrinologist who had previously treated me and diagnosed me with low testosterone and depression. He told me to take medication and take testosterone injections. I was also at the doctor of sexology, but he said that sexual orientation is variable in women, but in men it is always the same from birth. And he said that in addiction to pornography many of his patients are watching newer and newer porn even if they were disgusted before but now he gives a sensation. He said I would give it up because I will never go on sex in real life. He told me that I should go to gym and most likely homosexual fears comes from OCD.I calmed down a bit but some people wrote on the internet that sexual orientation is fluid and changing. It disturbed me but I told myself that the doctor was right. I feel better but and still have a unwanted groinal response and I was scared of all the men around me (and I had unwanted gay imaginations). Later it was better (for a few years I had a plan to go to the gym and do musculature but I lacked determination for longer). But somethimes I went to the gym and summer weather was good for me, but i was still watching porn as always and fear about genitalia and I felt fear sometimes when I was watching or not have a reaction. In next months I felt worse. And someday I had nervous thoughts and watch porn and at some point something made me test myself in watching gay porn as test for my straight. I find some video and i have erection and ejaculated. I panicked and started to be scared. But in next months and watch straight porn but something frightened me, I told myself that I was straight. I watching movie with guy and woman and i felt fear about his ass when camera show them. I change video to gay porn and masurbating to ejaculation. Next day i have a big dilemma, shame and i felt like gay. Again, all men began to look nice and I was constantly terrified. Now my libido is weak though I have to masturbate once for day or max two days. My testosterone is low, especially since I have finished injections from the doctor. I feel weak, my stomach hurts, at night I have terrible dreams, I do not want anything. I feel like a gay man but every time he thinks about it, he feels fear. Even if I make sure I'm straight, it returns after a while. Analyzes the pictures of the faces of the guys and I'm afraid that they please me. I used to dream about a beautiful girl, love but the devastated psyche, HOCD, Porn Addiction, social phobia made my life a nightmare. Things that once seemed secure , today irritate fear and make i feel trapped. I can not understand that once I saw a guys normally and now they seem nice to me, feel discomfort, fear and I'm afraid that homosexual things will be everywhere. I used to be a straight, lucky and strong guy who despite that situation from school when he was called gay by a few idiots , tried to live and knew who he was. But now this guy does not know it today, he is afraid of life and is suffering terribly and if it were simple, he would commit suicide. I do not want to be gay or bisexual, it burns my soul! I feel that way :( :( :(
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  2. determined_new_life

    determined_new_life Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. Porn does weird things to people. Dont focus on gay or not gay just focus on staying away from porn. Take up exercise and some meditation. Limit your time on the phone and computer. Focus on change. What else you could be doing instead of watching p. Exercise, swimming for example. Meditation look in your area for something. Best of luck
     
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  3. Pexton

    Pexton Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice! Maybe someday I will return to normalcy :rolleyes:. I will pray for it and for all who go through this hell. I would also like someone to refer to my story in more detail and analyze some examples. I will be very grateful for that. Personally, I feel that in real life I would never touch a guy. Also as teenager i don't have sex fantasies about boys or older man. However OCD makes me think differently and I'm always afraid of it. It's not like thinking about girls, quite recently it was nice and I was happy. But HOCD destroyed my faith in myself and self-esteem. I feel empty inside and very strange.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
  4. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    Yo so I'm 17 and I have a question, I have been experancing what I hope is hocd for a long time now and it shows no sign of going away I have went from knowing that I like girls to thinking o was fully gay and this was God punishing me, to thinking that I'm bisexual...i have been on nofap for almost 4 months...i have been introduced to sex by my auntie at the age of 9 and she was 12 I strangely loved it and I got into porn not long after I masterbated almost every day and I have tried to stop but couldn't
    I say that to say this i have been on a constant relapse train ...i would relapse everyday and I am feeling numb now like I feel asexual but these thoughts don't go away...they are still present in my head and idk how to get them out o don't wanna be gay....its not for me...i like girls with nice asses can any one help
     
  5. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    Is this normal can u relapse into a flatline...am I even in a flatline i can't even walk with out writing that I look gay or something can some one help me
     
  6. Pexton

    Pexton Fapstronaut

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    I think you need to stop masturbating to porn (maybe consider visiting a therapist and talk about your exhausting addiction to porn and fapping and first of all about your main enemy - HOCD, but it must be a really good and scientifically trained specialist). Eat the food rich in vitamins, protein and iron. Also you should have some sports activities like jogging, gimastics and when you have better fitness - gym and then start doing muscle. Then you will have more testosterone, you will feel better, you will have better mood, confidence, you will feel manly. You will have more attraction for girls and potential sex with them. Then you should find that also HOCD fear was the only trick of nature of OCD.

    ........ This is also good plan for me but it is easier to write something and it is more difficult to watch over a long period of treatment and self-discipline. But I have to do it!

    Good luck :)
     
    Xaviar.marshall likes this.
  7. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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  8. Pexton

    Pexton Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for help. It's quite hard with me. I have to do it before I get depressed and lose everything. Now I'm alienated whenever I can (But i got a great job that I'll start in a few weeks and I'm afraid that stress with OCD will lead to disaster). I believe that reboot from porn, physical activity and mental peace will give me happiness.

    The combination of HOCD and Porn Addiction is cruel and mutually complementary. For example I had a bad day, full of stress , then recently watched porn movie when girl suck dick of some guy. I get aroused by this like usually but also had fear about making him blowjob. I feared and watched images of penises and testing myself thinking about it. Then on this time i had next strong compulsion , i put closed water bottle to my throat and watched this movie again with this item in mouth and masturbating at the same time and checking my own reaction for that. But of course I was not happy. I feel panic, I felt disgusted, loser and extreally strangely. It was only later that I realized that I perceive a girl who make a blowjob as a very sexy element and I have seen male genitalia like a Pavlow dog - I saw penis as a permanent element of sex with women and orgasms. Of course, the rest was just my OCD, which forced me to test compulsions, which instead of only aggravated my difficult situation. Since I get aroused in ZOO porn with beautiful girls and dogs or horses (In addition to being sick), I understood better the whole mechanism of porn, dopamine and brain which after many years is already looking for something to only create the neurotransmitter dopamine no matter what it is, it's important that it only be related to sex. But always after strong homosexual OCD thoughts have always been the same scenario. Every time after such something I am always worried, stressed, and had my bad mood, and fear and intrusive thoughts when any guy is near me.


    It always works like that, when I want to end it, it lasts 2 or 3 days but then I have thoughts about bodies of womans in porn and sex with them, I also feel sensations in my gentials and I start to masturbate and have ejaculation and it always ends with my NoFap and i watching porn again. Because of this unfortunately sooner or later my HOCD has a great material to show its role and feast on it (my pain).

    I would like to be free and be sure that I am as before (100% straight) but also mentaly stonger than ever because it has never been my strong point, and I've always had a tendency to worry all of them, especially what I was afraid of. But it has never been as bad as recently. I'd rather kill myself than have any homosexual contact. I've thought about it a few times but it's risky and it would also kill my mother.


    Is what I wrote - my story, conclusions, is it okay with me?
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
  9. Pexton

    Pexton Fapstronaut

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    Finally, I started a real reboot and i try to cannot be provoked by thoughts of sex , female body etc. In a few hours, it will be 3 days since my last porn fapping. HOCD did not give me peace anymore, constantly forced me to thinking about gay thoughts analyze and imagine, test and masturbate to them (but this compulsion is not a sexual fantasy).This abomination tells me that I can not run away from it because it's too late and that if I do it, I hide something in front of myself. Later I always have remorse for what I was doing at all and then I'm afraid that something has changed in me, which always scares me. Of all this, I could not even look at the faces of the guys because I felt fear and there were fake attractions characteristic of HOCD. I hope that reboot, drugs and then sport and therapy will help me. After all, I never fantasized about guys before strong attack of HOCD , i did not have erotic dreams with them or I did not like them certainly in real life and now this obsession does not give me peace and tells me that I'm not who I was before. The compulsions of "washing the mind" after intrusive thoughts also took the morbid dimensions and i became her prisoner. But at the moment, it's a bit better in this subject and i have a less number of this compulsion.I hope that soon it will be better and that the worst is behind me.

    What will you say about my situation?

    Greetings to all.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2019

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