My Experience With a Porn Star - (The Truth About ED & Fetishes)

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Self-Actualized Men, May 17, 2020.

  1. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Hi Everybody,

    For those of you on your recovery journey experiencing Erectile Dysfunction or Morphed Sexual Tastes and find yourself concerned & asking the question "Is this ED or Fetish really porn induced or am I just sexually broken?", I'd like to share a true story of how I brought my ultimate porn fantasies to life with a real porn star and share with you the insights this brought me. I'm also going to share from a psychological perspective how my Fetishes originated & escalated to hopefully guide you all to a place of deeper truth and understanding within yourselves.

    Lets Start From The Beginning...

    Psychology of How My Fetishes Began:
    In order to understand the man you are today its essential to reverse engineer your story and figure out how you got here in the first place. For as long as I can remember I've had a Femdom Humiliation Fetish (An attraction to dominant women & degradation) and always assumed that this was just a genetic predisposition I'd have to live with. It was something I was ashamed of and hid from the world because it is quiet the opposite of what a man "should be" (Dominant & in control) as dictated by social norms. Moreover it caused me a great deal of dissonance emotionally. In my every day life I was this confident man who was in control, yet in my sexual fantasy/porn life I craved the opposite. This led to a great deal of confusion when sexually pursuing women and caused me to miss out on many relationships that could have been wonderful. I always felt like an outsider when it came to sex.

    So what the hell is going on here?...

    Well... I grew up in a household that was very toxic for as long back as I can remember. My mother has internal issues she has failed to address which as a result left her to project those unresolved wounds onto the rest of us. She could go from tender and caring to wicked and cruel in an instant. My dad was very passive & never stood up for himself and my mom would constantly berate and attack him. These emotionally manipulative fits & verbally abusive episodes (Primarily directed toward my dad but the rest of us got our fair share as well) caused extreme psychological distress for me as a child. As a means to process & make sense of this overwhelming distress my brain eroticised this dynamic as a way to cope & to provide me with an outlet for this unexpressed emotion. Thus giving birth to my femdom humiliation fetish.

    Introduction of Porn...

    Now I already have this toxic home environment to contend with so layering in the engine of high-speed internet porn is when things really escalated from bad to worse. In browsing porn as a kid like most of us did, as soon as I saw a scene that depicted a dominant woman, something within me responded (I was activating this eroticised neural network that I developed as an outlet without even knowing). Add the endless novelty & psychological cycle of addiction (Constantly needing a higher dose of dopamine/more shocking content to get the same high) that porn provides and you have a recipe for Erectile Dysfunction & Morphing Sexual Tastes.

    ***If you have any strange fetishes, ask yourself if you've erotisiced a difficult dynamic in your life. Let your old porn interest serve as clues to self exploration***

    My Relationship With ED & Morphing Sexual Fetishes:
    Freshman year of college is when my Erectile Dysfunction hit. Ever time I tried to have sex I could not get hard. I contributed this to nervousness (Which played a factor) but also to the fact that Vanilla Sex just wasn't enough for me. I believed I was in some way fundamentally broken regarding my sexual capacity and if I was ever going to have a shot at sexual fulfillment I needed to find a girl willing to indulgent all of my fucked up fantasies (This of course is completely incorrect as you are about to find out).

    ...Fast Forward 8 years to 2019

    My Experience With a Porn Star:
    For 8 years I subscribed to this notion that the only way for me to live a sexually gratified life is for me to find a women that will indulge my now hardcore fantasies. To spare any potential triggers for the readers & without getting to detailed, my fetishes have morphed to the ultimate extreme where even the most hardcore videos weren't enough. I needed to now live these fantasies out in real life.

    So I took to the internet and found a dominatrix porn-star (To protect identities I will not share any names) who was going to be in town for a weekend. SHE WAS A 100% MATCH TO MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES. I did a TON of research over the next few weeks and found video after video of her engaging in the exact fantasies I desired. So I rolled the dice and reached out to her and sent a very intelligent and thoughtful note about why I wanted to meet up with her. To my ecstatic disbelief she was open to meeting & "playing" with me... I was set to meet her in 2 weeks.

    Needless to say over this two week period I masterbated to her videos (With the fantasies of this happening to me) countless times. I've never felt so excited and aroused in my entire life and my orgasms were unbelievably powerful, this was going to be the greatest experience of my life.

    ...The Moment of Truth

    Now for the moment of truth ladies and gentlemen. Its the weekend of my birthday and the day I'm finally about to meet the porn star of my dreams and live out my greatest fantasies that have hypnotized me since I was a child. I bought us a hotel room, got there early and let my imagination run wild as I wait.

    I finally meet her in the lobby and to break the ice we go and get some food. We walk to a nearby restaurant and have this amazing conversation about life, sexuality and fantasies for close to an hour. (This women was clearly very intelligent as well as attractive which made me even more excited for this). The conversation drew to a close and it was now time to to head back to the hotel room and execute on the fantasies I've been having for 15 years.

    ***For those of you in recovery as I am, I'm not going to explain in detail what happened as to protect us from reactivating these sensitive pathways, but for all intents and purposes its important to know that all of my fantasies were met in that hotel room***

    The Sobering Reality and Illuminating Truth:
    As I mentioned leading up to this sexual engagement I had watched video after video of this women and was more aroused than I had ever been in my life when masterbating to her pornography. But the sobering reality & illuminating truth was this... When I actually lived out those fantasies WITH THE ACTUAL WOMEN I'd been so feverishly masterbating to, the reality of living those fantasies did not arouse me ANYWHERE NEAR AS MUCH as me masterbating alone to her on my iPhone screen. We did EVERY fantasy I wanted to do (And then some...) and not only did reality not measure up, I found it even difficult to get hard at all! Here I am with this model women, living out the fantasies of my dreams and not only was it difficult to get aroused but I found THAT I DID NOT EVEN ENJOY THE FANTASIES I'D BEEN CRAVING. I was truly more aroused by the pixels on a screen and my own death grip than I was by the real thing.

    To circle back to the original question/concern in this post that most men (Like myself) grapple with on this journey "Is this ED or Fetish really porn induced or am I just sexually broken?" the answer in my experience has emphatically been ITS NOT ME ITS THE PORN. The fact that I had no trouble whatsoever getting extremely aroused and masterbating to these fantasies of this porn star and then upon meeting her found the experience to be less than enjoyable just goes to show you that masterbating to porn and a real life experiences are two completely different processes in our brains.

    I had the unique experience of pressure testing my fantasies with an actual porn star just to discover the truth that its never been about my sexuality, its about the super-stimulus, novelty seeking & escalation of shocking content that only high-speed internet porn can provide.

    Where I Am At Today:
    I thought the experience might have been a fluke and that I just needed time to adjust. So over the past year since that experience happened I had another similar experience with a stripper (Who again was gorgeous) and found the result to be exactly the same. I did not enjoy the reality nearly as much as the fantasy, and quiet frankly the parts of reality that I did enjoy where more aligned with vanilla sex than with a hardcore fetish (I also had trouble maintaining an erection in this case as well). Around this same time I started to causally date another women where we had regular vanilla sex. I found that although I wasn't fully present every time (And experienced ED a few times) I found that the vanilla sex left me feeling way more empowered and without the feelings of shame, regret & dissonance as opposed to the other experiences.

    I was hooked on porn for so long it was like (As Gary Wilson said in his Ted Talk "The Great Porn Experiment") asking a fish what it thinks about water. Its been so immersed in it for its whole life it has no idea. That was me with porn, until 2 weeks ago I did not put all of these pieces together. Only after getting educated and doing a ton of reflecting & journaling was I able to connect these dots. But now that I have I feel liberated and without a doubt am 100% ALL IN on recovery.

    The Moral of the Story:
    The moral of my story is this folks. You don't have to learn the hard way and live out these fucked up fantasies to recognize what is your sexuality and what is porn induced. We just need to cut out the porn. And if you are like me and experienced childhood distress and because of that have eroticised a toxic dynamic we need to start taking baby steps to "re-differentiate our brain maps" as Norman Doidge puts its in his book "The Brain That Changes Itself". We need to one day at a time begin to disentangle these conflated emotions (In my case humiliation with arousal) and it starts with giving up porn and reflecting on your core fears.

    All of this began due to low self worth (From Childhood) which coupled with porn became a destructive machine in my life. I've now identified the issues and am working on them one day at a time and have not felt this free & hopeful since I was a kid.

    If even one person finds relief & liberation in this post then it was well worth the effort to write. Greatly appreciative of all the support from the Nofap community and all the content that you've been putting out there. These types of vulnerable courageous conversations are literally saving lives. Lets keep fighting and striving toward being Self-Actualized Men.

    Love to read anyone's comments below if they have gone through or are currently going through a similar situation and what they've learned on their journey!
     
  2. Interesting.

    First of all, great job going through all of that just to try & see if it would get you out of PMO & other associated habits. Shows you are really serious about getting over it.

    Coming back to your experience being rather underwhelming, could it be because you realizing that in reality, femdom is not natural? While some couple do experiment with role playing like femdom to add some variety & "spice it up", it's not the only thing they do all the time.

    So perhaps it was the realization that while femdom etc. looks very addictive or enticing when viewed on-screen, the reality strikes in real life when someone experiences it as an actual participant and not simply as a virtual audience.
     
  3. Supination

    Supination Fapstronaut

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    This is a great thread.
    Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I bet it'll help many people here!

    I'd like to ask you a few questions:

    1) At the beginning you mentioned "as long as I can remember I've had a Femdom Humiliation Fetish" and then later you mentioned " the answer in my experience has emphatically been ITS NOT ME ITS THE PORN" . I'm a bit confused to be honest. If you can be more specific, Is your femdom fetish was a pre-porn fetish or is it a porn induced fetish?

    2)Have you started to notice or to feel that your femdom fetish begins to fade since you have started abstaining from porn?

    3)If your fetish isn't porn induced. Do you believe that it will ever fade?
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2020
  4. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Actually even I have been researching a lot about toxic parenting and how the child becomes in the future. People who are attracted to femdom generally have a childhood where the mother plays more important role than dad. Another case is, generally when kids are scolded they either tend to become rebel, pleaser(Nice guys) or recluse(Shut-ins). Generally pleasers and recluse tend to be attracted to femdom as they fantasize about a true love waiting for him, looks at him and only falls in love with him and gets him out of his closet (introvert) to his real self. Well in reality that doesn't happen. Also even if these kids attract such girls, they would only use him for a while and dump him.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2020
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  5. Thats an amazing story and I am so happy that you discovered where your fem dom fetish came from. It always tracks back to something in our pasts and for you to discover gave you a pathway to recovery... hopefully your story will give hope to others to retrace their past and see where their own fetishes if any have arised from
     
  6. Supination

    Supination Fapstronaut

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    I couldn't agree more.
     
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  7. I read through all that and think it’s an incredible and helpful share. Thanks for taking the time to type all that out.

    Two questions immediately come to mind for myself:

    What am I really chasing after when I look at porn, start fantasize about the things I see, and then start making plans to make those fantasies come true?

    What good things am I missing in life when I continue to chase after those fantasies?

    Thought provoking posts like this are what we all need!
     
  8. Thanks for sharing your experiences, man. You said a great deal of insightful things.

    I wish you nothing but the very best for the future.
     
  9. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Hey appreciate you taking the time to read through my experience. These are great questions and I could have done a better job distinguishing your point in question 1. Below I've detailed out some clarifying details.

    1.) To start. In all of my years of using Porn I've developed a multitude of fetishes. The more I used porn the more fetishes seemed to be developed. Things I was once repulsed by then became appealing. I know for a fact that most of them were porn induced because in reflecting I saw the change happen over a 2 year period. So I traced these fetishes back to their source and what I found was there was a core fetish at the heart of them all (Femdom). From this core fetish is where the others began to blossom. Now to answer your question sexuality begins to develop far before porn is introduced into the picture and for as long as I can remember my mom has always been the primary caregiver and like I said emotionally volatile. So this distressing family dynamic predates my porn use. Kids are not oblivious, they are able to pick up toxic dynamics so I believe that as my sexuality was becoming developed that it merged with this eroticised dynamic as a way to give me an outlet to cope & emotionally survive. So I believe that this eroticised dynamic predates porn (But is not a true depiction of my actual desires, it was a necessary defense mechanism) and that porn revealed this dynamic. Meaning as soon as I saw this type of porn (And for anyone reading this you can fill in the blank for yourself on what ever niche porn you may be into) something in me responded (AKA those neural pathways I've developed as a defense mechanism & outlet). My mental maps that are responsible for Intimacy/Pleasure & Aggression/Power Dynamics began to fire & wire together. So now you introduce pornography into the picture and what I've been unknowingly doing all this time was reinforcing & feeding these maladaptive pathways. So the crux of my answer is this. My Femdom fetish was created by my housing environment (No my true sexual orientation but a defensive mechanism) and pornography amplified this unhealthy dynamic (Feeding it and making it bigger and picking up new fetishes along the way as a result of the Addiction Cycle of needing more intense/shocking content. Again not my true sexual orientation but a mutation of this cycle). So neither my femdom fetish nor my porn fetishes are an accurate reflection of my true desires but instead are a result of the hijacking of my reward centers that took place over my life. ***I think its important to note that unhealthy fetishes can develop outside of pornography use due to erticised traumas but does not mean that because they happened independent of porn that they are your true desires and cannot be untangled. The distress from a tramatic childhood can also plastically impact your brain which can be learned & unlearned***

    2.) I noticed that as I abstained from porn that my true sexual desires started to show their face again. That girl I mentioned who I had vanilla sex with, there where two experiences with her where I felt things click. Where being dominant and taking the lead felt really good and felt natural and aligned with my emotional attractions. At that time I wasn't watching porn (Or if I was it was very sparingly) and would try only to orgasm if it was with her having vanilla sex. The more I was doing that the more the thoughts of being dominated or engaging in femdom would repulse me. Its also important to note that its crucial to be realistic in recovery timeline. I've been feeding this eroticised dynamic for 15 years so I did feel as if there were two parts of me. One part feeding on lust and arousal and the other aligned with my emotional wellbeing and feeling of love & connectedness. At the time I wasn't yet aware of how all of these variables with porn and my childhood played a role so I wasn't fully committed like I am today (And wasnt sure if change was even possible) but yes I did notice the thought of femdom was repulsive when I was in this healthier frame and I was gaining a new energy and level of attraction when I was the one being dominant. That relationship ended and I reverted back to the same shitty pathways which set me back but I did make solid progress.

    3.) Yes I believe it will fade but I also think its important that all of us in recovery focus on asking healthy questions to ourselves. I think a bad question to ask is will this ever disappear completely and a better healthier question is how can I get to a point where I've maximized these healthy pathways to live a sexually fulfilling and satisfying life (To where I don't need hardcore material to feel fulfilled and alive). The goal is really to self-actualize our potential as men and as lovers and to live a sexual life that is gratifying and aligns with our true desires (Everybody goes through hardships so we have to expect that nobody will be perfect and be patient & accepting of these margins of error & imperfection both with ourselves and others). Regardless of what anybody says on these forums or what psychologists say our potential is unknowable and the only way to figure out what is possible in these uncharted territories is to go and pioneer a way. I think its very possible that with consistency over time and the right effort it is possible to eradicate these fetishes to the point of actual disgusts again. But I also think its important to be realistic. We wouldn't expect a Division 1 basketball player to just go back to square 1 and not know how shoot a free-throw after giving up his craft. But if they spend enough time away from it, they begin to get rusty and those pathways fade. And if they practice every day on feeding new pathways (Golf for example) they will become more proficient in this new sport than the original one. Sexuality has it's own nuances but from my personal experiences so far, the success stories I've read and what I'm learning about Neuroplasticity I believe that this all holds true. I also believe that the millions of years of our evolution that evolved to have us attracted to sex with real partners is ultimately more hardwired than fetishes that have digitally developed and that there is a path back to healthy intimacy. There are critical periods of sexuality to be sure so its always possible that these pathways may hang around but if they are dormant and we're truly fulfilled with our new sexual & romantic lifestyle then who cares?

    At the end of the day we gotta play the cards we've been given and now that we know better its time to step up and do better. So I'm personally excited to see where this journey takes me and venture into the unknown vulnerabilities and all. It's like I'm meeting my true sexual nature for the first time and I'm excited to see the person I become over these next few years as I turn this around. The science on all of this is still in its infancy so lets be the ones to hep figure this shit out and pioneer a way. And no matter what happens I'm going to continue to adapt and keep fighting until my time on this planet is up. Gotta make the most of this life while we have the time.
     
  10. Supination

    Supination Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for taking the time to respond my questions with this extremely detailed answer :)

    As for your first answer, I totally agree with what you said about sexuality being developed way before discovering porn. People who went down the rabbit hole and got to femdom, Most of the time there's a hidden external issue/reason behind it which they're not aware of(the enlightenment arrives only when we realise that all this time we actually hurt oursevles.. and it's usually very late.. but better late than ever). It really connects with what @ankith said. These so called External issues are caused by growing in a toxic environments which then lead to the "Nice Guy Syndrom" and other self esteem issues. And these people are First in line to the rabbit hole.
    I also tend to believe that having an addictive personality in general(Video games, Alcohol,Drugs ,Sugar, Etc..) is a shortcut to escalating to extreme fetishes like femdom, Sissy, Trans, You name it.. Due to the never ending search for novelty.
    I Don't know what are the causes to addictive personality, I believe genetics play a big role here but perhaps toxic enivornments too?

    Your example with the basketball player is on point! I love it! There's no doubt that with good amount of time of abstaining porn, Patience and willpower Porn induced fetishes slowly start to fade.
    As for "Since birth" fetishes, I dont think it's possible to get rid of them. Maybe with dark magic :p

    I'm also very excited to see the person you become and i look forward to your next posts and updates!
    I wish you the best and good luck with your journey!
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
  11. Ὀρφεύς

    Ὀρφεύς Fapstronaut

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    Buddy, you went real hell. But I am really happy to see that you are improving yourself. You always must analyze your feelings and understand where they come. It is the best advice gave to me in this forum. Don't be distracted, my friend.
     
  12. Griitings

    Griitings Fapstronaut

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    Your story is really inspiring. I wish you success on your journey.
     
  13. YHH

    YHH Fapstronaut

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    Generally pleasers and recluse tend to be attracted to femdom as they fantasize about a true love waiting for him, looks at him and only falls in love with him and gets him out of his closet (introvert) to his real self. Well in reality that doesn't happen. Also even if these kids attract such girls, they would only use him for a while and dump him.[/QUOTE]

    YOU DESCRIBED MY LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in addition to what you said add to that beatings and verbal abuse and living in constant fear from beatings!!!!!!!!!
    IVE BEEN 39 DAYS ON NOFAP i want to be cured, i want to get ridd of my fetishes but im afriad i will never be cured.
     
  14. Ὀρφεύς

    Ὀρφεύς Fapstronaut

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    Buddy, I am in the same streak as you and I have problems with femdom too. I have acknowledged that I will always be ATTRACTED to femdom but not ADDICTED. ADDICTION IS WHEN YOUR MIND REFUSES TO FIGHT, BUT IF I CAN SAY NO TO IT YOU CAN DO IT TOO! Acknowledge that you like it but let it go. This 40 days really changed my behavior, I was really masochistic and hated myself when remembering all those times (when 1-3 hours I used staring to that femdom shit) I am amazed why I hadn't power to abstain so long. Years ago I wouldn't believe that I could resist from this shit and achieve a 30 day PMO streak even twice! You just must trust and believe in yourself buddy. Only with positivity, you will rewire your brains so that it will look useless. Your this stupid pleasure will take only for max 10 seconds... I have fapped to this shit thousands of times and I am bored. I won't do it again. We fall so we can learn to fly.
     
  15. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your comment. I don't believe there is a one size fits all solution. Every situation will have its nuances. If your mother is someone you feel completely incompatible with then I would say yes it makes sense to cut her off completely if you are comfortable with that. If you would still like to have a relationship with your mother then you need to become well educated on how to set and enforce appropriate boundaries and be able to identify and nullify emotional manipulation so you are not controlled by it. I would recommend talking to a therapist who can help guide you through the nuances. Its also important to note that although mothers may be wounded, emotionally volatile and abusive and even abusive, they are not the real problem. The real problem lies within our impaired way of thinking and responding (This is good news because if the problem is within you, then so is the solution).

    It all comes down to what your goal is and what you personally feel comfortable with. I'm a strong believer that through self honesty, education on identifying manipulation and being firm in setting and enforcing strict boundaries you can have a relationship with your mother that you are comfortable with. I think its also important to manage your expectations appropriately and accept that you cannot change people, however, you can become stronger and more intelligent to break the chains and live independent of emotional manipulation. The more you do that and better you get at it the more you'll be able to hear your own voice and be comfortable standing your ground. One last thing I'll leave you with is emotional manipulation can only have power over you if you let it, you can choose to be nonreactive to it but it takes time to build that muscle. Meditation can be a HUGE help here. A therapist can also help you identified impaired thinking & provide you with tools to help you untangle your situation. I myself have recently reached out to a therapist to continue my self improvement, there is always room to improve. Trust where your heart is guiding you and keep fighting brother.
     
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  16. Branchman

    Branchman Fapstronaut

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  17. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Yeah these addictions are like a coping mechanism where we numb our feeling to feel safe. So it's really is hard to come out of addictions from just will power. Well if you want to speed up your progress, you need to get therapy (psychotherapy) so that you can calm down your inner child and find your true self and I am not saying that you can't come out of your addictions without a therapy, but it's just a long process.

    Well read this book called "Toxic Parents by Craig Buck and Susan Forward" . It really depicts well about what kind of people we turn out when we become adults and what kind of women we tend to attract. I haven't read it completely but I think it also tells you the solution to come out of your childhood trauma.

    Incase you aren't motivated to read the book, here is the video of 4 part series talking about what kind of people each of us attract:


    and here is another 4 part series explaining the trauma of your childhood:
     
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  18. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    Well I don't think cutting her off is a good idea but many have suggested to move away from her place. Like move to a different city and live independently. You will learn new methods to adapt to situation instead of listening to your mom's advice. Well I am not in a position to say this when I haven't moved away from my family but that's how it is to make progress.
     
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  19. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Great post, with a lot of great follow up replies. I feel like a lot of what has been said by OP and others mirrors my own experience.

    I could go into extreme detail with my journey through porn but I wont. Lets just say, I have some fetishes that are more than likely just the result of direct exposure to them, and arent directly caused by anything in particular. These fetishes fade into the background within a few days without PMO and I am not really all that concerned about them because they dont really have any control over me, they might have at some point, but they dont now.

    Then you have femdom. It seems like all my other fetishes (and I specifically mean "fetishes" and not preferences) stem from this one root cause. Thing is though, I hate, and have always hated, the humiliation aspect of a lot of this content. If the video is based on humiliation, I turn it off, my brain rejects it hardcore even during a relapse. Instead, my brain gravitates towards something you may have heard of called "gentle femdom". This is basically what it sounds like; femdom without the brutal aspects or the humiliation. Its softer and more, I suppose you could say sensual, and a lot more effort is taken to show that everyone involved is actually enjoying whatever is happening. I've always kinda suspected the reason why I prefer this, and when I read this thread it becomes a lot more obvious to me:

    I prefer gentle femdom because it is designed to be a simulation of intimacy, with the added bonus of it being pornographic. If anything, as weird as it sounds, the intimacy part of it is more appealing to me than the porn part of it. As someone who has not only never actually had sex, but has also never had a relationship of any kind, nor any kind of physical contact with a girl outside of EXTREMELY rare situations I cant even remember clearly, this subgenre is incredibly potent for me beyond the simple caveman logic of "naked girl turn me on" which is the case for a lot of porn. Not only is it arousing simply because its, well because its porn lol, its also arousing on a deeper level because it shows me something I dont, and have never had.
     
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  20. Self-Actualized Men

    Self-Actualized Men Fapstronaut

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    Hi Atomic Tango,

    Appreciate you taking the time to provide such a detailed reply and it makes me feel really good to think that in reading this thread it's prompted some self reflection for you. I've been doing a lot of reflection on Fetishes and sexual preferences lately and maybe this can help you further explore your own. One thing that jumped out to me in your reply is when you talk about all of your Fetishes stemming from Femdom. The fetishes that are easily melting away after quitting porn sound likely to be primarily exclusive to porn exposure, however, the Femdom Fetish that seems to linger I believe has some clues riddled throughout it that can tell you more about yourself.

    In my own reflection of what has lead me to be aroused by Femdom I've come to realize its a stew of many variables all meshed together. I've been able to reverse engineer these variables and boil it down to the ones most likely to be the biggest contributors:

    1.) Emotionally Volatile Mother = As kids we learn how to be intimate through using our parents as a model. They are how we relate to the world, so an emotionally volatile, controlling, overbearing mother is the model I've developed for intimacy. From this lens alone it makes sense as an adult how this attraction came to be.

    2.) Eroticising Difficult Life Events = For me verbal abuse and embarrassment/humiliation was not uncommon. Not being able to stand up for myself to my mom throughout childhood made me internalize these feelings and by eroticising this dynamic it was a way of coping (Which is why Femdom seemed to call to me when I first saw pornography for it, primarily humiliating content)

    3.) Personality = This is something I've been reflecting on more and more lately and I believe is connected with point 2. But there are the Big 5 Personality traits (Openness, Conscientiousness, Agreeableness, Extroversion/Introversion, Neuroticism). I have a hypothesis that people who rank high in agreeableness are more likely to become the "Nice Guy/People Pleaser" as opposed to the "Rebel" in abusive circumstances. Primarily because people high in agreeableness may be more likely to internalize the abuse and think it is their fault (Meaning they have to change or "please" the abuser) where those who rank low in agreeableness may be likely to to externalize the issue and believe that the abuser (Or women in general) are the problem. The People Pleaser goes off to be the "Nice Guy" feeling a need to appease women because he believes subconsciously they have greater worth than him, where the Rebel goes off to use and abuse women as he subconsciously has embodied the belief that women are not equal to men. I feel that this level of emotional sensitivity to other peoples worlds (A characteristic of people that rank high in Agreeableness) is a factor in determining which route a person goes down when we are talking about abuse (People Pleaser or the Rebel).

    4.) Low Self Worth & Inferior Self Image = I think this is the number 1 factor in this fetish where all fantasies are born from. The fundamental message of Femdom is that women are of higher worth than men. If this type of porn calls to you then I believe there is a faulty belief system at play. This again ties back to childhood. If you had an emotionally volatile, controlling overbearing mother or grew up in an abusive environment, its not at all uncommon to struggle with self worth issues.

    I believe we are genetically predetermined for certain orientations such as (Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual) but that these fetishes and tastes are learned (And learned from such a young age that we may believe its really us). I've found in reflection that I do not want to be dominated by all types of women. There are some women that I perceived myself to have higher status then & greater confidence and for this women I wanted to dominate her (A natural pull to want to be in charge). On the other hand, a women in power, with a high degree of confidence and of high status is someone I generally would fantasize about getting dominated by.

    The important thing to note here is that my desires are fluid based on my core "perceived" belief of who has more status, confidence and ultimately self worth (Point number 4 was the deciding factor in these circumstances). I strongly believe that an improved self image and truly FEELING worthy of love (Building a better relationship with ourselves and seeing women as our equals) is the key to a mutual healthy sex life and will literally change what we are attracted to. I've already seen this play out in my own life and by continuing to develop this new mode of being I believe it will only continue to expand.

    With all of that said, a few questions I would have for based on your note would be:
    • Do you have a belief that maybe you overlooked that in some way makes you feel you're not worthy or good enough to be with attractive women? (Maybe lack of experience or something from childhood?)
    • Was you mom a primary figure in your life? (Not to say abuse needs to be present but if she played a dominate role in your life this could help explain how you learned to be attracted to this type of dynamic)
    • Does the fact that you never had sex bring you shame and make you feel distress in anyway? (You could potentially be eroticising this distress and low opinion of yourself which is what Femdom plays off of and provides as an outlet.
    Just a few things for you to consider. Would love to understand if that holds true in your experience.
     
    Maximus19, ankith and Branchman like this.

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