My Experience with Loneliness

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by pinnacles, Mar 31, 2022.

  1. pinnacles

    pinnacles Fapstronaut

    I have been a social butterfly for as long as I could remember. However, there are two major problems with my relationships (both platonic and non-platonic).

    1. None of my friendships are extended to after school settings.

    -> Over the past few years, I have moved nomadically from friend group to friend group. Even if I leave one group, I tend to still remain close with the majority of its members. That's just the type of person I am. However, I recently have settled down with one large, diverse, and compassionate group of people.

    -> I tend to know just about everybody in my small school. Every time I walk into the student center, I am met with verbal greetings, handshakes, and waves. I can sit down and have a conversation with just about every person from the school. It ironically causes the campus to be one of my favorite places to go.

    -> However, none of these friendships exist outside of class. Although some of my friend group hangs out together, I typically am not invited. I have not been to a party or been invited to someone's house since the fifth grade. I have hung out with people from other schools before, but only by sheer chance. For example, I may run into some people on the tennis court at the park, but I am never intentionally invited.

    -> Most people also don't text me after school. This causes most of my non-school friendships to be centered around people I exclusively know online. Therefore, most of my relationships don't even feel real to me. It's confusing.

    2. I am constantly surrounded by love and affection that I cannot experience.

    -> In my immediate friend group, there are two different couples who have recently gotten together this year. One of the other friends is also engaged to a fiancé who is outside of the group. This leaves me, the sole member who is alone.

    -> Since most of the couples are within the friend group, every time we sit with each other, I get a front row seat to their displays of affection. I constantly find myself sitting in the corner alone while the rest of the group is either hugging up on their significant other or chatting with them via the phone. It leaves me wondering why I can't have what they have. I can't tell if it is jealousy or just general sadness.

    -> I have only had one girlfriend, who I dated from 8th to 9th grade (if you even count that as an actual relationship). I found out that she was cheating on me with multiple men, yet I stayed with her until she dumped me. It was a truly emasculating experience. I feel as if the trauma I endured has affected my ability to understand relationships and feel confident around women I am attracted to.

    -> I have been rejected by most of the crushes I have ever had. I have had four or five talking stages since that first girlfriend, but all of them ended things with me before a month had even elapsed. In fact, one of those girls did that to me on five separate occasions. I have the tendency to allow myself to become subject to emotional abuse, as the fear of losing a significant other scares me more than the pain that I endure in such a toxic stage of talking.

    And yes, I am still a virgin.

    Final Thoughts

    I really have no clue how to address these situations. I find it difficult to relate on any level to most of the people I am friends with. It seems that everyone who shares my interests despises me for one reason or the other. All I want is to be happy. I feel like one of the primary reasons that I fell victim to porn addiction in the first place was that on a lonely, boring Saturday night... all I could do is masturbate.

    I'm not entirely sure what I am asking for here. I guess I just wanted to air out my grievances. Sometimes you will never understand your emotions until you write them down and get feedback from others. So, if you have read this far and have experienced something similar, please feel free to leave me some advice. I would deeply appreciate anything that could help me improve my relationships.

    Thank you for reading.

  2. DeeJ4y

    DeeJ4y Fapstronaut

    Maybe you could try to ask to join your friends to outside of school events. Hopefully you will find someone, I know it is tough being single. I have been for few years too and a lot of my friends are dating. One of them even dates my ex. Hopefully one day we both find a wife! Till then lets stay strong.
    pinnacles likes this.
  3. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    seems you are a nice guy and those relationships you claim to have are shallow at best.
    pinnacles likes this.
  4. desmond318

    desmond318 Fapstronaut

    Being alone isn't that bad. I am not sure for the love & affection part, but quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friendship. I would rather have no friend at all, if all of the friends are the shallow ones. Friends who only know hanging out with you, feasting, drinking, seeking all sorts of excitement, would just waste your time, money and health. When it comes to making friends, having one that truly cares about you and gives you real value, is better than having 100 shallow ones.

    Don't get me wrong though, it is good to be nice to everyone you meet, and I believe this will attract someone who is like you, he/she will also be nice to you and cares about you. Don't give up, and wish you will meet some good people soon! :)

    If you need someone to talk to, I am happy to listen.
    pinnacles likes this.
  5. MarioCorrelos

    MarioCorrelos Fapstronaut

    I feel you so much for this, brother. I was in that very same place some years ago.

    I wasn't feeling well at all because I was so lonely; not alone, but lonely in a way that no one was in my situation, where I had no experience with girls and everything and everyone around me was about the same topic. And furthermore, some people came to me for advice in relationship matters.

    In my case, everything started to go better when I accepted the situation and forced myself to be comfortable in the loneliness. Hold on there brother.
    pinnacles likes this.
  6. desperately_hopeful

    desperately_hopeful Fapstronaut

    Hey hey, that sounds familiar! Me too. I always hated it, I've been the only single person in my friend groups for basically my whole life. I never got the attention that my friends did, probably because of my lack of confidence and my personality being a lot older than my physical body is: I've had "40 at 20 syndrome" all my life. I have absolutely gotten to the point where I actually resent couples pretty strongly, there have been a number of occasions where I feel legit anger building up inside myself when I see PDAs or even just young couples that look happy together. It's especially bad now that one of my only close friends now lives with his girlfriend and he basically has no time to spend with me where she isn't tagging along, so I feel like I'm constantly third-wheeling his dates, basically, and it makes all interaction with one of my closest friends really awkward now.
    Take heart: often times people still really enjoy your company and such, they just may not express it well. Feeling like you "can't experience" love an affection... I get that too. I often wonder if people are trying to show me some affection but I just cannot feel it or take it seriously, for trust reasons stemming from experiences similar to those that you mentioned.

    I get that, my first two years of college were exactly this. No one ever actually wanted to do anything with me, it was just "oh I know that guy" and similar stuff. I would encourage you to try two things:
    • Give it time. Bonding with people is a slow process. There's an old saying that I can't recall the attribution of: "A bond of common suffering is stronger than a bond of common joy." I have lived that: the only close friends I have, I am close with them because we went through an incredibly tough major together. How did the togetherness happen? Stick around with them. Don't retreat into your comfort zone, whatever that might be: your dorm, working in the library, or masturbating on a Saturday night because you're lonely and don't want to take the area-of-effect damage from the romantic relationships of your friends. Go out and do stuff, even if you don't think it will be interesting, as long as it doesn't hurt you. Been there, done that, I promise you it's better to just get out and be around people even if they frustrate you than to isolate yourself and then become resentful.
    • Take charge. If they don't invite you over: invite them over! I learned through trying this that I actually like to host. It helps that cooking is one of my hobbies and I love to make a good meal for people, even if it takes me like, several days to prepare everything. That may not be your thing, and there's no shame in that, but anyone can make box brownies and host a study party or a movie night, even if you have to don't have a space to do it in: just the act of being the organizer and bringing something to eat will help! Plus, it'll give you something to talk about. You might find that you "spark their interest" more after that. I know that I was never invited to stuff early on because I was always the weird, awkward kid: people who are now my close friends assumed I was fine / didn't care about them. It was totally the wrong perception of me, but even though it wasn't my fault, it was my responsibility to change that perception.
    As for romantic relationships I am not the best source of advice. I've been single for all but about a year of my life spread across two relationships, and they have both be horribly toxic and those women took advantage of my kindness and generosity a lot. Don't let that happen to you, do not submit to emotional abuse. Draw boundaries, separate from people who don't respect you. They aren't worth it, even if she's cute/hot/into you/kinky/feels like your only chance/whatever... it will crash and burn later.

    The passage "love thy neighbor as thyself" Mat 22:39 has the implication not only that you need to love other people, but that you need to love yourself just as much. Love is respecting, kind, it does not hold grudges. Don't do that to yourself either.
    pinnacles likes this.
  7. desperately_hopeful

    desperately_hopeful Fapstronaut

    I relate to this, too. In my other post where I said not to isolate yourself, I couldn't summarize what you said any better. It's good to learn how to be happy alone too, but it just takes time, and honestly I don't know how to do it myself, I'm still in the very early stages of learning it.
    pinnacles and desmond318 like this.

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