D
Deleted Account
Guest
I have been a social butterfly for as long as I could remember. However, there are two major problems with my relationships (both platonic and non-platonic).
1. None of my friendships are extended to after school settings.
-> Over the past few years, I have moved nomadically from friend group to friend group. Even if I leave one group, I tend to still remain close with the majority of its members. That's just the type of person I am. However, I recently have settled down with one large, diverse, and compassionate group of people.
-> I tend to know just about everybody in my small school. Every time I walk into the student center, I am met with verbal greetings, handshakes, and waves. I can sit down and have a conversation with just about every person from the school. It ironically causes the campus to be one of my favorite places to go.
-> However, none of these friendships exist outside of class. Although some of my friend group hangs out together, I typically am not invited. I have not been to a party or been invited to someone's house since the fifth grade. I have hung out with people from other schools before, but only by sheer chance. For example, I may run into some people on the tennis court at the park, but I am never intentionally invited.
-> Most people also don't text me after school. This causes most of my non-school friendships to be centered around people I exclusively know online. Therefore, most of my relationships don't even feel real to me. It's confusing.
2. I am constantly surrounded by love and affection that I cannot experience.
-> In my immediate friend group, there are two different couples who have recently gotten together this year. One of the other friends is also engaged to a fiancé who is outside of the group. This leaves me, the sole member who is alone.
-> Since most of the couples are within the friend group, every time we sit with each other, I get a front row seat to their displays of affection. I constantly find myself sitting in the corner alone while the rest of the group is either hugging up on their significant other or chatting with them via the phone. It leaves me wondering why I can't have what they have. I can't tell if it is jealousy or just general sadness.
-> I have only had one girlfriend, who I dated from 8th to 9th grade (if you even count that as an actual relationship). I found out that she was cheating on me with multiple men, yet I stayed with her until she dumped me. It was a truly emasculating experience. I feel as if the trauma I endured has affected my ability to understand relationships and feel confident around women I am attracted to.
-> I have been rejected by most of the crushes I have ever had. I have had four or five talking stages since that first girlfriend, but all of them ended things with me before a month had even elapsed. In fact, one of those girls did that to me on five separate occasions. I have the tendency to allow myself to become subject to emotional abuse, as the fear of losing a significant other scares me more than the pain that I endure in such a toxic stage of talking.
And yes, I am still a virgin.
Final Thoughts
I really have no clue how to address these situations. I find it difficult to relate on any level to most of the people I am friends with. It seems that everyone who shares my interests despises me for one reason or the other. All I want is to be happy. I feel like one of the primary reasons that I fell victim to porn addiction in the first place was that on a lonely, boring Saturday night... all I could do is masturbate.
I'm not entirely sure what I am asking for here. I guess I just wanted to air out my grievances. Sometimes you will never understand your emotions until you write them down and get feedback from others. So, if you have read this far and have experienced something similar, please feel free to leave me some advice. I would deeply appreciate anything that could help me improve my relationships.
Thank you for reading.
1. None of my friendships are extended to after school settings.
-> Over the past few years, I have moved nomadically from friend group to friend group. Even if I leave one group, I tend to still remain close with the majority of its members. That's just the type of person I am. However, I recently have settled down with one large, diverse, and compassionate group of people.
-> I tend to know just about everybody in my small school. Every time I walk into the student center, I am met with verbal greetings, handshakes, and waves. I can sit down and have a conversation with just about every person from the school. It ironically causes the campus to be one of my favorite places to go.
-> However, none of these friendships exist outside of class. Although some of my friend group hangs out together, I typically am not invited. I have not been to a party or been invited to someone's house since the fifth grade. I have hung out with people from other schools before, but only by sheer chance. For example, I may run into some people on the tennis court at the park, but I am never intentionally invited.
-> Most people also don't text me after school. This causes most of my non-school friendships to be centered around people I exclusively know online. Therefore, most of my relationships don't even feel real to me. It's confusing.
2. I am constantly surrounded by love and affection that I cannot experience.
-> In my immediate friend group, there are two different couples who have recently gotten together this year. One of the other friends is also engaged to a fiancé who is outside of the group. This leaves me, the sole member who is alone.
-> Since most of the couples are within the friend group, every time we sit with each other, I get a front row seat to their displays of affection. I constantly find myself sitting in the corner alone while the rest of the group is either hugging up on their significant other or chatting with them via the phone. It leaves me wondering why I can't have what they have. I can't tell if it is jealousy or just general sadness.
-> I have only had one girlfriend, who I dated from 8th to 9th grade (if you even count that as an actual relationship). I found out that she was cheating on me with multiple men, yet I stayed with her until she dumped me. It was a truly emasculating experience. I feel as if the trauma I endured has affected my ability to understand relationships and feel confident around women I am attracted to.
-> I have been rejected by most of the crushes I have ever had. I have had four or five talking stages since that first girlfriend, but all of them ended things with me before a month had even elapsed. In fact, one of those girls did that to me on five separate occasions. I have the tendency to allow myself to become subject to emotional abuse, as the fear of losing a significant other scares me more than the pain that I endure in such a toxic stage of talking.
And yes, I am still a virgin.
Final Thoughts
I really have no clue how to address these situations. I find it difficult to relate on any level to most of the people I am friends with. It seems that everyone who shares my interests despises me for one reason or the other. All I want is to be happy. I feel like one of the primary reasons that I fell victim to porn addiction in the first place was that on a lonely, boring Saturday night... all I could do is masturbate.
I'm not entirely sure what I am asking for here. I guess I just wanted to air out my grievances. Sometimes you will never understand your emotions until you write them down and get feedback from others. So, if you have read this far and have experienced something similar, please feel free to leave me some advice. I would deeply appreciate anything that could help me improve my relationships.
Thank you for reading.
