My experiment after 2 months clean. Dangerous and reaffirmation of the evil of porn

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by EndOfTheRoad, Aug 25, 2019.

  1. EndOfTheRoad

    EndOfTheRoad Fapstronaut

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    It has been a very interesting summer. Hurtful but full of valuable lessons.

    My gf left me 4 months ago and I went full on to sissy porn,
    fantasizing of being a sissy and having sex with men and anal masturbation.
    It lasted for a few weeks and I realised that I can't live like that any more. So I gave everything up.

    After 2 months of nofap everything was much much better. Still sad about the fact that my gf had left me but more confident. I felt attractive and the sissy fantasies went away. I started being very attracted to girls again. I had a few girls coming on to me, even to my bed but I decided that I was not ready to have sex yet. I was still mourning the loss of my ex.

    A few of days ago I was observing my psyche and saw that any sissy or gay fantasy didn't do anything for me. I decided to stay focused and conscious and see what is happening inside me.

    I downloaded a couple of sissy hypno videos and started watching them. I only saw probably a couple of minutes of them and didn't get aroused or even curious. I am cured I thought. I deleted them and went on with my day.

    The same night I did not sleep well. I dreamt of my ex and woke up very early and depressed. The same afternoon
    I started having some cock thoughts. I was stressed but when I was thinking of being feminine and finding a cock to suck and get fucked
    I was feeling more relaxed. I realised that the few minutes of porn had pushed me back to my old self.

    I couldn't believe it. Only a few minutes were enough.

    The day after I happened to find a big bag of girly clothes on the sidewalk of my neighbour. They were throwing them away. I picked them up to give them to the clothing recycling but ended up taking them in my room.

    I was see what was happening. I decided to actually go ahead but observe my reactions, thoughts and emotions.

    I picked a pretty very short pink dress and put it on.
    I started walking like a sissy and rubbing my nipples. My fantasies were going crazy. I needed cock and I was already planning how to get it.

    I was still conscious of the whole thing and I could see how this thing was making me relax and stop thinking of the fear of being alone and never finding true love.

    Over the course of the next 2 days I repeated the process a few times. Go home, isolate my friends, cancel going out with my friends,
    fantasizing about cocks, looking for cocks online, dressing up, rubbing my nipples, fantasizing about getting fucked like a sissy and cumming.

    I observed my mind making the same loops that I had done before:
    "Just one time"
    "Well, it's ok, it's just innocent sex"
    "I can still be a normal guy and like cock and dress up like a sissy once in a while".

    After only 2 days though it had become an obsession. I felt the need to stop everything else in my life and just watch porn,
    dress up like a sissy and start getting cock in my mouth and ass.

    It's amazing that I managed to observe all this as a third person. I know it will take me a few weeks again to go back to normal but stopping is not a problem now. I know how normality is and I know how fucked up and stressful this addiction is.

    I just can't believe how easily one relapses and falls back into this dark pit.

    Thanks guys for the help and keep up the good work. Nofap REALLY works and real life is a million times better than the virtual poison of porn.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2019
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