My ex's perverted fantasies

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by slitebg, Nov 21, 2017.

  1. I do not agree with you on certain points.
    But I do agree with you that we both want to live a life without porn, and a life that gives our God honor.

    Let's go back to your topic. You and your ex wife.
    slitebg likes this.
  2. DeProfundis

    DeProfundis Fapstronaut

    It's not sinful to avoid bad company; on the contrary it is sinful if we pursue it on purpose. You can't help her much, if you don't help yourself first. You cannot give what you do not have!

    So I would stay away from her if I were you.
    slitebg likes this.
  3. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    I was going to say the same thing. Hanging up on details will not lead us anywhere. We were spiraling off topic big time. I also don't agree with you, but I love you ;) And I appreciate your honest opinion. You have more life experience so maybe you know better. For now, I stick to what I have so far concluded as right.

    She is not my ex wife, we were never married (Thank God!) and like I mentioned in one of those long posts from before, she was not even my real girlfriend. We had a brief period couple of months when we did have some intercourse and stuff but she was never into it. To this day she says she feels no physical attraction, she only slept with me because she pitied me (like a mercy f***?). How is that even possible or what kind of crazy logic this is, I'll never no. So imagine what that did to my self-esteem. Thankfully, there is a lesson in everything and one of the lessons here I feel is never rely on outward comfirmation for you own Self.

    So that's that. I hope it's all in the past now. She hasn't contacted me today and of course I won't too, so I count this as a win. Take it day by day like with NoFap see how it goes. Thanks again for just being. ^_^

    Thank you brother for your support. Your words are on point, my feeling is the same. I've tried my best. I've given my all to this person. All for what? I don't regret it, I always did what I felt was best for everyone. But just like PMO and other toxic habits, something has to change.

    Love your avatar by the way
    DeProfundis and Roady like this.
  4. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    Okay guys, 'we have contact' :D She contacted me on facebook just now, asking about some minor issue she has with the site itself (like I can help). No doubt an innocent introduction to lure me in and start all over again. Not this time. Thanks for the support everyone. Really needed it.
    Deleted Account, Immature and Roady like this.
  5. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    Here's something I came across today that really helped me through this:

    20 Keep your father’s commands, my son,
    and never forsake your mother’s rules,
    21 by binding them to your heart continuously,
    fastening them around your neck.
    22 During your travels wisdom will lead you;
    she will watch over you while you rest;
    and when you are startled from your sleep,
    she will commune with you.
    23 Because the command is a lamp
    and the Law a light,
    rebukes that discipline are a way of life—
    24 to protect you from the evil woman,
    from the words of the seductive woman.

    25 Do not focus on her beauty in your mind,
    nor allow her to take you prisoner with her flirting eyes,
    26 because the price of a whore is a loaf of bread,
    and an adulterous woman stalks a man’s precious life.

    27 Can a man scoop fire into his bosom
    without burning his clothes?
    28 Can a man walk on hot coals
    without scorching his feet?

    29 So also is it with someone who has sex with his neighbor’s wife;
    anyone touching her will not remain unpunished.

    30 A thief isn’t despised
    if he steals to meet his needs when he is hungry,
    31 but when he is discovered,
    he must restore seven-fold,
    forfeiting the entire value of his house.

    ~ Proverbs 6 ~
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Deerstrong

    Deerstrong Fapstronaut

    You know the best advice dosent come by telling whats right or wrong but by self experience and well I can say that I had the chance to fuck my ex after she has now gotten married and with a kid, she like sent me pictures of her very very pushing towards well you know, its obvious she wanted s fling but man I felt so bad because I thought I loved this girl but she was just an easy chick that I never wanted to see her this way because well I had an image of her, but you know the main thing was that the way she talked about things and her sex life and other chicks she had been exposed to she put herself in the "not so hot anymore" list that being because well I dont know if I could contract an std for fucking with her and since I did not I feel I made the right choice because well she is married and I have to respect that, truth is feminism has destroyed 95%of women in united states, sounds to me like avoiding her was my best way to let things cool off and I sent her a message saying that her and I is just done that I dont want to even have her as a friend because I couldnt do that anymore. Anyways my story with this chick.
    slitebg and Immature like this.
  7. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    Well, after all the grand statements I made, today she contacted me again and this time I wrote back. I'm just not the type of guy that can cut someone off just like that, especially after realizing I am my own worst enemy (or rather my mind) and not she or anyone/anything else. She didn't even do anything this time, really. SHe just shared what she was going through and I took it personally and let it affect me. I will of course try to limit our communication to as little as possible, not give into her tricks and games and generally learn to not care so much about this and that, especially non-important things like that.

    Still a valuable lesson because I've learned that while this thing was what was bothering me yesterday, today it's something else and tommorow again it will be something different. So I've got to learn to cope with these situations and become more willful and thick-skinned, and not blame others for my own faults and mental states.

    I still appreciate what everyone said and shared and will be keeping an eye on the situation and maybe even post here how things are going (really helps). Have a great night and stay focused!
  8. Not sure you're making the right decision but at the end of the day it's your life.
    I just think sometimes you have to leave people to it because for some that's the only way they learn. Like myself one thing I've never done is budget. I have put it off because having one is a pain, but last week I was out of funds and then I decided I needed one. I was so stubborn that I refused to budget and the only thing that would make me have one was the painful experience of having no money. Sometime we are so stubborn that the only thing that causes us to change is deeply painful situations. Maybe the only way she'll change is if she's left all on her own.
    But as I said it's your life and your choice.
    But I do believe pain can be our greatest teacher.
    slitebg likes this.
  9. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    Indeed brother, I agree this was a bad decision. Maybe feeling more confident and the support from everyone here made me think I can handle another dose of her. In reality she continued to use me as an emotional dumpster (this time she admitted taking drugs recently). I did feel bad for her again, but this time it was more like pity and the fact that she hasn't learned a bit all those years.

    It seems you are brutally right - most people learn only when they have lost what they have or they get burned badly. However, even though it's true about her, it's twice true for me - I should have learned my lesson and stay away from her as much as possible. I even initiated a conversation later on, the one that she layed the drug thing on me. I don't even believe she will realize anything if I cut communication with her, but at this point it's clear it doesn't matter. Whether we commune or not, she will go on her old ways while I am ready and willing to continue on the narrow path. So that's that.

    Pain is indeed if not the best, the one of the most effective teachers. However we have enough pain in our lives to actively contribute to it. Like Rumi said: 'Listen to these pains, they are messengers'. Well in this case, the message is clear - stay away from toxic people, no matter how you feel about them!

    Thanks for the replies and the support!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    Okay, guys, I am very weak-willed indeed. After another painful 'relapse' with her on social media tonight, I am starting to realize this is a major problem for me and it follows exactly the same pattern, similar to PMO: the anticipation or excitiement and rush at the beginning, that something very good and pleasurable is about to happen; the actual deed - in this case the endless chatting which goes on on and I just await the next reply (I am not like that with other people), then a 'peak' which usually is when we get along really well up to a point, when again she says something that really hurts me just in the right spot, then of course she either leaves or just goes on feeling much better she says, while I am left feeling like crap, which is exactly what happens when I PMO.

    I am well aware in many ways I am more a dopamine addict then PMO addict. However, since starting NoFap I am much more sensitive to this whole process and now I see clearly how I am literally hooked to this girl, in a masochistic, self-destructive, illogical, generally unhealthy way. I really need to break this cycle. Of course I try all methods we all know and use with NoFap, but at the end of the day the temptation to type to her is too much. You see, porn is not real in the sense that you're not having any real human interaction with it. So it's easy to me to let go even when I feel an urge. While here I've got a living, breathing dopamine machine that is even interesting because it doesn't just fornicate it actually has a life (not that interesting but it is to me, which is part of the problem).

    What's important is I've come to realize, even though I truly loved this girl for a very long time, I no longer do, not in the same way. I somehow 'need' her, but now it's more like I 'needed' PMO before - I'm seeing the similarities every day.

    I don't feel as bad as the last time but I certainly don't feel well. NoFap gets harder in this mood, too.
    My own fault, of course. Like always.
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. pranav02

    pranav02 Fapstronaut

    I don't have much experience to offer considering our ages but what I can say is that it does get easier after 40 days in. You'll set into cruise-control so ignore her for now and meditate to clear off all that negative energy she's charmed you with and remember your goals. You'll know what to do and how to do it soon enough. Good luck :)
    slitebg likes this.
  12. pranav02

    pranav02 Fapstronaut

    You could join the digital detox with me if you want ;) Threads a bit below in the same forum.
    slitebg likes this.
  13. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the reply brother, you seem to understand well the connection between her/my feelings for her and the social media issue. I hope it gets better with time, yes. I still have to force myself to not communicate with her. She seems to sense that a bit and has upped the times she messages me.

    I'll take a look at is but I have to admit I am not ready to quit PMO, social media, my relations with her, and a couple of other nasty habits I have all at the same time. Step by step. Maybe when my will strengthens by abstaining from PMO, I will try that, too.
    Of course it seems every time I don't stand my ground with her I make a little breach in my willpower.

    We'll see. Thanks again for the support! :)
  14. pranav02

    pranav02 Fapstronaut

    If she is trine' bring you down, she's merely trying to be selfish. It is OK to be selfish against selfish people especially when they're not willing to change for good. Ignore her messages as much as possible and if you find that hard, talk to us or distract yourself.

    On the DD thing, no issues. I myself decided to wait for 4 months of NoFap to do it. Take your time, if the rewards are satisfying enough, the hardship it brings along itself are worth it. Cheers!
    slitebg likes this.
  15. slitebg

    slitebg Fapstronaut

    Thank you once again for the encouraging words. I have already started to shift my attitude and whenever she messages something I don't like I just tell her that's not my business and I don't care about it. In time she will get used to it and stop. If not, I'll just not respond like you say.

    Come to think of it, some of the best days I had this year were free from her constant yapping. I've also felt elated at times when we chatted but that was so brief and unreal it only added to the overall negatives.

    I repeat myself, I really have to change/leave this behind. At this point it's harder for me that to quit PMO, obviously. Maybe I subconsciously use this communication as a 'crutch' and like you say, a distraction. Still isn't worth it, though.

    Have a great day, many blessing, friend!
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
    pranav02 likes this.
  16. Deerstrong

    Deerstrong Fapstronaut

    Its hard to do I get it actually even I giving you my experience alike, and thursday night after my gf was sick and we were in her sisters room she didnt want to like have sex while we were visiting and specially now that she sick, I tought of my ex and thinking fuck I should of fucked her, but then it goes away the next day when well rational thinking comes, I remember the saying of this old man I love like a brother he is 80 im 25, he said" life has cycles and past chases you, nothing good comes from old women you were with if it didnt happen then it wont now" he was sure as shit loud and clear when he said it and I know I dont want her as a wife for sure because she proved to me she wasnt worth it and risking for a brief passion session will probably end up with more issues that I can take for now, specially since I have a gf. Sray strong and after you complete 90 days im sure you will be posting somewhere your new found person you are comfortable with but not obscessed for because your confidence will be through the roof. Keep at it boah lol
    slitebg and pranav02 like this.